


The Great Cockles love story

by Patricia1974



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, Bottom Jensen, Bottom Misha, But they DO NOT engage in ANY sexual activities, Cockles break up theory, F/M, First Meetings, Flirting, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Instant Attraction, Jealous Jensen, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Pining, Secret Relationship, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Switching, Top Jensen, Top Misha Collins, Workplace Romance, fluff and eventual smut, so no threesomes or foursomes, supportive wives
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-27
Updated: 2018-12-01
Packaged: 2018-12-07 19:14:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 41
Words: 116,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11630109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Patricia1974/pseuds/Patricia1974
Summary: Jensen and Misha, now there is a tale of epic proportions; a tale of love and passion, of heartbreak and intrigue. This is Cockles and this is their story.





	1. The beginning

**Author's Note:**

> This is a work of fiction. Some facts are real, some are a product of my own overactive imagination. I mean no disrespect to the boy's wives and their family. I love them all to death.
> 
> I post this now, future and regular updates will come every Monday.
> 
> A big thank you goes to my beta, the awesome tfw_cas also for brainstorming. We have a lot of fun with this :)

 

It was an unspoken tradition to kick off the shooting of a new season of Supernatural with a welcome party. It gave the members of the cast and the crew a chance to catch up on what they had been up to during the summer hiatus and it was a nice way for new, additional actors to get to know the regulars in a relaxing environment.

With a bundle of anticipatory nerves rolling around in his gut, Jensen opened the door to the bar the party was being held at. This was the third time in a row he attended this little get together – he never missed it, are you kidding – but something was different, something he couldn’t quite put his finger on. It hung heavy in the air around him, tying his stomach in complicated knots. He tried to shrug it off. This was ridiculous.

Maybe his nerves were caused by the fact they had decided to take the show in a different direction. After three years of fighting monsters and demons, ‘the powers that be’ as Jensen liked to call them, had now come up with the ‘brilliant’ idea to throw some angels into the equation, with a story arc of biblical proportions. That was all that he was told about this upcoming season four and he couldn’t say he wasn’t intrigued.

The end of season three had left his character, Dean, in hell. Obviously, he wouldn’t stay there, there was no question about that. The big question was how he was going to get out of it. The answer had come in the script of the first episode about two weeks ago. His character was saved by an angel. And suddenly Jensen knew why he was so nervous. He was dying to meet the actor who was cast for the role of Castiel, the angel who raised Dean from perdition.

Jensen was met by a fog of smoke, the smell of stale beer and fried food and cheerful laughter when he entered the bar. He carefully scanned the room in search of his best friend and colleague; the one who played his brother, Sam, on the show. He found him standing at the counter, nursing a beer.

Weaving his way through the crowd of bodies, Jensen was greeted by a lot of familiar faces, until he reached his destination in the form of Jared Padalecki, who instantly pulled him into an enthusiastic bear hug the moment he saw him. He nearly crushed the air out of Jensen’s lungs.

Jared was a big guy; like, huge. Jensen wasn’t the tiniest of men himself, but beside Jared he often felt the size of a shrimp.

“Hey man. What took you so long?” Jared asked with a grin from ear to ear.

“I took a later flight.” Jensen frowned. “I texted you that I was gonna be a bit later.”

“Yeah, you did,” Jared said thoughtfully. “I forgot.”

“I’m offended Jay, you’re supposed to be my best friend,” Jensen teased. He gave a thankful nod at the waitress who put a bottle of beer in front of him – he didn’t even have to ask for it. That’s how well everyone knew him by now. This was, after all, the bar they usually went to, to hang out.

“So, you met any new people yet?”

The smile that appeared on Jared’s mouth was enough of an answer and the way that smile was formed, told him even more. It had to be a woman.

“Okay, who is she?”

Jared gave him a bitchface that could almost compete with his character’s bitchface, the one Sam always reserved for his brother.

“Who says it’s a girl?”

“Lucky guess,” Jensen deadpanned. He took a swig from his beer. “No, really man, the way your whole face lit up just now. You could light up an entire city.”

Another bitchface was shot at him. “I do not.”

“Yep, you do.” Jensen looked around, trying to figure out on his own what girl had gotten his friend so smitten. “Come on, help me out here, who is she?”

“Okay, look at me. Whatever you do, do not look over your shoulder…”

And Jensen did just that, he couldn’t help himself.

“Damn it, Jensen.”

Jensen snapped his head back to his friend. “Sorry. But that is exactly what you shouldn’t say when you don’t want someone to look.”

Jared rolled his eyes. “Yeah, anyway, she is standing over there.” He nodded in the direction somewhere over Jensen’s shoulder. “Her name is Genevieve Cortese and she is playing Ruby this season.”

Jensen nodded and took another swig. When his friend stayed silent, making gooey eyes at someone behind him – probably the girl – he said: “And?”

Jared shifted his gaze back to him. “And, what?”

“And is that all you know about her? Her name and the character she is playing?”

“Ehm, yes.” Jared shuffled his feet and looked quite embarrassed.

Jensen put his elbow on the counter and pinched the bridge of his nose. “So, you don’t know if she is married, has a boyfriend, girlfriend, is dating or whatever? Have you even talked to her?”

“No, not yet.”

“Then how…”

“Kripke told me.”

Jensen shook his head in amusement. He could barely contain a smile. His friend was really something else. Crushing on a girl he knew nothing about. Seriously? He casually turned around to take a look at that ‘special creature’ that had managed to put Jared’s heart in turmoil.

Jensen had to admit she was beautiful. Long dark hair fell in soft waves over her shoulders, surrounding a pretty face with delicate features. She was also rather petite. He hoped Jared didn’t break her in two because from the looks of it, that wouldn’t be so difficult and his friend was known to break things.

So, yes, he could totally see why Jared was attracted to her and if he wanted to pursue her, he would root for him. He turned back to his friend. “Go talk to her.”

Jared looked at him as if he had said pigs could fly.

“Go on. She won’t bite,” he pressed when he saw his friend’s hesitation. “There is nothing wrong with introducing yourself. Isn’t that what this whole party is about? Besides, you two will be working very closely together from what I have heard about your characters.” He finished his beer and waved to the waitress to bring him another one.

“You sure?” Jared sounded uncertain. Jensen was surprised at that. Normally his friend was the first one to introduce himself and make newbies feel welcome.

“Yes, I’m sure. She is not gonna turn you away for making conversation. Just, don’t come on too strong.”

Jared took a deep breath. “Okay.” He took a swig from his beer. “I can do this. Wish me luck.”

Jensen laughed. “Good luck,” he said and followed him with his eyes while he made his way to the girl. He watched them shaking hands and soon they were engaged in what looked like an animated talk. He’d bet Jared thought that went better than he had expected. Maybe this was the start of something beautiful between them. He hoped so. His friend deserved to find someone he could be happy with. He knew how much Jared longed for a family of his own. And now he was getting way ahead of things. They might not even like each other.

Jensen tore his gaze away from them – Jared did just fine without him – and scanned the room. He caught sight of Eric Kripke talking to…wow…who was _that_? That was one handsome dude, at least, according to his profile. The strong jawline covered with a five o’clock shadow immediately sent his hormones in overdrive. _Really, Jensen?_ Next he noticed was the guy’s dark, unruly hair. It was as if he just rolled out of bed after a night of rough sex. And why the hell was he thinking about sex? _Get a fucking grip._

Jensen unconsciously licked his lips while he let his eyes slide up and down the guy’s body. He was normally built but he could see he was probably a runner. His strong thighs were enough evidence of that. _Oh God, those thighs._ They were perfectly shaped, muscled. He wondered what it would be like to feel them wrapped around his waist. _What the fuck?_ He did not just go there. What was wrong with him?

As if the guy sensed he was being watched, he turned and looked right at him. Jensen gasped when he stared into a pair of mesmerizing eyes. From where he stood and even in the dim light of the bar, he could see they were a unique shade of blue.

Jensen wasn’t a poet, but he was a romantic and yes, the world just came to a full stop one fraction of a second in which they intensely stared at each other. It started turning again the moment the guy tore his gaze from him and back to Kripke.

Jensen swallowed around a lump in his throat. His face felt hot and he hoped to God the guy didn’t catch him blushing like a teenager with a crush.

He turned back to the counter and ordered another drink, something stronger this time. What on earth just happened?

Jensen tried to come up with the courage to go and talk to the guy who just managed to take his breath away. He thought he would find it in a number of whisky shots. He was wrong. They only made him slightly drunk and that was not a good idea. When he finally did find the courage and decided the hell with it all, the guy was gone.

***

Misha unlocked the door to the one bedroom apartment he had rented in Vancouver near the set of Supernatural. He was contracted to guest star in six episodes and it was more convenient to stay here during shooting.

He threw his keys in the glass bowl near the door and toed off his shoes. On socked feet he padded to the small living room and fell onto the couch. He took his phone to call his wife like he promised her he would.

Misha and Victoria, named Vicky, were high school sweethearts. They met when they were only sixteen years old and got married in 2001. It wasn’t a conventional marriage though. Sure, they had exchanged marital vows and they were committed to each other but they also gave each other the freedom to love others and to express that love through physical intimacy. Basically, they had an ‘open’ marriage and they didn’t give a flying fuck what people thought about it. They lived their lives as they saw fit and it worked. They were happy.

They were both bisexual. The fact they invited both men and women into their bed said as much. Yes, they were involved in threesomes. Vicky even wrote a book about it, a practical guide to sleeping with three. At one time they even had a girlfriend living with them; someone they were both in love with.

“Hey, how was the party. You are back early,” his wife answered the phone after the third ring.

Misha smiled. It was always good to hear her voice. She was the one who had pressed him to leave a day early and attend the welcome party.

“It was…fine.”

“Fine?” Vicky’s voice echoed at the other end of the telephone line. “Come on, Mish, don’t leave me hanging here. I’m dying to know. Have you talked to him yet? What is he really like?”

“I saw him, but I haven’t…talked to him.” Misha got up and strolled over to the tiny kitchen.

“Oh?” The disappointment in Vicky’s voice made him chuckle. She knew about his little celebrity crush. Well, it wasn’t exactly a crush. _Yeah, you keep telling yourself that Collins._ He didn’t watch much television, but he did catch an episode of Supernatural on occasion. It was a good show, he liked it, especially one of the leads, Jensen Ackles. Now there was a nice looking guy. Misha did not do a google search afterwards, he did not seek out which shows Jensen had also starred in and he most definitely did not jerk off with his image behind his closed eyelids. Well, maybe once. Okay, fine, multiple times.

“So, let me get this straight,” Vicky said. “You saw him, but you didn’t talk to him. You didn’t go over to him and introduce yourself and get to actually know him?”

Misha took a beer out of the fridge and closed it with his hip. “Sounds about right.”

“Okay, who are you and what have you done with my husband? Really, Mish?”

“I did catch him staring at me though.”

“Oooh, now it is getting interesting. So?”

“So, nothing. He looked at me, probably wondering who I was.”

“You just said he was staring.”

“Okay, he was staring.”

“So, what did you do?”

“I stared right back.”

“Mi’iiiiich!”

Misha burst out in laughter. “I’m sorry, Vicky. I don’t know what else to say.” He did not tell her he had seen the different shades of red that had graced Jensen’s face because he wasn’t sure if that had actually been the case. It could have been a figment of his imagination. In the dim light of the bar, he wasn’t sure. Besides, from what he had found on the internet, Ackles was obviously straight although a few old articles from the time he had starred in the soap opera show ‘Days of our Lives’ had begged to differ.

“Ah, well, you will see him again tomorrow, right?”

“Yes. And I promise you I will call you and give you all the juicy details.”

“You better.”

“I will.”

He chuckled when the call ended. With a sigh he then let his head fall back on the cushions of the couch. It was strange when you came to think about it. He and Jensen were both actors – and therefore moved in the same circles – but they’d never met. Misha didn’t even know him before he caught an episode of the show. From that moment on he was dying to meet him in real life.

Misha thought he must have a guardian angel granting him every wish because next thing he knew, his agent told him Supernatural was looking for actors to play demons on the show and asked him if he was interested. Misha jumped at the opportunity. This was his chance.

He made quite an impression at the audition, lowering his voice to the sound of old whisky that had been sitting in a barrel for too long. It got even better when Eric Kripke told him to read the lines again, in the same voice, but now as an angel, with more of a quality of innocence and curiosity about how it is these humans behave, because that was what the role was really about. It all still had to be hush hush. They had a pretty enthusiastic fan base and the audience couldn’t know yet that they were going to introduce heavenly warriors. And the best part of it all? He got the part of Castiel, the angel that rescued Dean from hell. Misha could not believe his luck. Not only would he meet Jensen, he would be working very closely with him. He was already looking forward to it.

***

Jared could not shut up about his talk with Genevieve, on their way home. He had recently bought a house in Vancouver and Jensen stayed with him as a roommate during filming. Sometimes he wondered if it was such a good idea. It only ramped up the speculations of crazy fans who liked to believe they were involved with each other; but had to keep it a secret because it would hurt the show if it came out. _Yeah, right._ No, the only and the real reason Jensen stayed there was because it was convenient, period. It also spared their bodyguard and driver Clif from driving from place to place to pick them up.

Jensen knew where those speculations came from though. During filming the first season, he had developed a crush on Jared. He couldn’t help some of the chemistry bleeding through on screen. Fans picked up on that and so the wincest ship was born. He was pretty appalled when he learnt that there were stories out there that had the brothers involved with each other, sexually no less. That was taking it a bit too far for his liking.

Jensen had told Jared about his little crush on him, scared to death it would send him running for the hills, but, he had to do something about it. Jared had taken it very well though. It didn’t alienate him; if anything, it brought them closer together.

Jared was very understanding about the whole thing. He’d told Jensen he was flattered, but he did not swing that way. He knew himself well enough to be confident he was an absolute 0 on the Kinsey scale, and didn’t that just break Jensen’s heart a little since he himself sailed between 2 and 3.

They had a long heart to heart about it and Jensen was glad it didn’t hurt their friendship. Once he knew his feelings were a one way street, he got over it. They were completely gone now. He couldn’t even believe he actually ever had a crush; what was he thinking?

Ever since he was a kid, Jensen knew there was something different about him. At the tender age of 14, he knew what it was. He found himself attracted to both boys and girls. Completely at a loss, he finally, after months of struggling with those feelings, found the courage to go talk to his aunt. She was an out of the closet lesbian and he figured maybe she could help him. There was no way he was going to talk to his parents about it, are you kidding? They were pretty open minded and their motto was to live and let live, but it was a totally different story when it came to their own son. Jensen wasn’t stupid.

He wasn’t gay, he was bi, or that was what his aunt tried to explain to him. With her help, he came to terms with it, but he never acted on it, not until he left for Hollywood when he was 18. He had his man crushes, experimented with it, but kept it all under wraps.

To make a long story short, he appeared with a number of beautiful women on his arm, but they were all trophies, really, until he met Danneel, a bisexual herself. They became close friends. Last year that friendship shifted to something deeper, something more intimate and they started dating. At last he got his act together. He had a great job he loved and a beautiful woman he could see himself having a future with. And now, just when everything was falling into place, he met this gorgeous man with ocean blue eyes. How was this his life?

 


	2. First day on set

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, the second chapter. Updates every Monday from now on.

Jensen did not wake up half an hour before his alarm went off; he did not spend more time in the bathroom than usual and he most definitely did not skip breakfast because it took him too much time deciding what to wear. Nope, none of that. Hey, it was the first day of going back to work, things always tend to go a bit crazy. Oh, who was he kidding? Fine, he wanted to look his best in case he met that blue eyed guy again, sue him.

He still didn’t know who he was, or if he was even going to be there. Of course, he could have asked Eric Kripke about him yesterday, he just didn’t. He didn’t want to give the casting director the wrong idea. _Oh yes? And what idea is that exactly, Jensen?_

Clif was already waiting when he was finally ready and satisfied with the way he looked. Two pairs of eyebrows shot up when they saw him strolling into the kitchen. A meaningful glance was exchanged between the bodyguard and his best friend. “What?” he asked. “Isn’t a guy allowed to look good? Shut up.”

Jared’s eyes widened. “I didn’t say anything.”

“No, but you were thinking it, I could hear you,” Jensen mumbled. He went over to the coffee machine and filled a travel mug with the dark freshly brewed liquid.

Clif cleared his throat. “When you guys are ready, let’s go.” He stood up.

With the mug in one hand and quickly grabbing his jacket with the other, Jensen jogged after the bodyguard with Jared on his heels.

\-----

The ride to the set took about thirty minutes, thirty minutes that was spent in relative silence. Jared didn’t ask why Jensen was dressed in his best pair of black jeans and the emerald button down that accentuated his forest green eyes. It was only when they got out of the car and were well on their way to their trailers, that Jared couldn’t contain his curiosity any longer.

“So, who are you trying to impress?”

“What makes you think I’m trying to impress anyone?”

“Really, Jackles?”

Jensen stopped and turned to look at his friend with a sigh. “Can’t a guy just wanna look good? Is that a crime now?”

“See, I wanna believe that, if it was just that. But you also skipped breakfast and that gave you away. You never skip breakfast.”

Jensen shook his head and rolled his eyes. He continued the walk to his trailer with long strides.

“Anyway,” Jared said and reached into his pocket to take out a small box. He shoved it into his hands. “Here.”

Jensen knitted his brows together. “What is this?”

“A bacon and egg sandwich.”

“Oh.” Jensen’s lips curved into a smile. “Thank you.” Jared really didn’t have to do this. There was plenty of food to get on the set, even this early.

Jared waved his arm. “Don’t mention it. It saves you the trip to catering.”

Yeah, well, that was true enough. He unlocked the door of his trailer. “Wanna come in, have a cup of coffee?”

“Nah, I’m fine. I wanna have a look around.”

Jensen chuckled. He knew exactly why his friend wanted to have ‘a look around’. “Right. See you at the table read,” he said and walked inside.

As the two main leads on the show, their trailers were state of the art. They had their own kitchen and living room area, a large bedroom and bathroom. While not really ‘big’ they had all the comforts of home.

Jensen got his espresso machine going instantly. The one cup he took to go wasn’t enough. He placed his sandwich on a plate and sat down with it at the kitchen counter. While he ate he let his mind wander. It took him in the direction of that handsome guy he saw yesterday. _Why was he always thinking about him, damn it?_

If he was one of the actors that appeared in the first episode, he would see him at the read through. As far as he could remember from the script – and as far as the males were concerned – there would be a diner patron demon, a fry cook demon and the angel Castiel. From those three, the angel was the most important one. He still wondered who they had cast for that role. He had already opened his mouth to take another bite from his sandwich when something dawned on him. _Oh my God._ His mouth snapped closed. He lowered his hands and put the half eaten sandwich back on his plate. Could it be him? Why didn’t he think of that possibility before? His stomach tightened, taking away the rest of his appetite.

He didn’t have time to ponder about it much longer; Jared interrupted his thoughts by busting into his trailer, eyes wide with panic and his face white as a sheet. He dropped into the recliner with his head in his hands.

“Wow, Jay, who is chasing you? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” And wouldn’t that be something on the set of a show called ‘Supernatural’.

“I messed up,” Jared groaned, voice muffled behind his hands.

Jensen’s forehead creased. “Okay, care to elaborate?”

“I was walking around and came across the ‘three bangers’. I saw Genevieve’s name on one of the doors and decided to…ehm…see if she was there.” He looked up at him. Jensen could almost feel the embarrassment his friend was radiating. Something shook him up.

“Yes, so?”

“So, I knocked and went inside.”

“Was she there?”

“O yes. She was reading a book.”

“Jay, will you get to the point already,” Jensen said impatiently. He would like to know what it was that had upset his friend.

“She was…ehm…she was sitting on the couch…in her underwear.”

Jensen blinked. “You’re joking.” A laugh started to bubble up deep inside his gut.

“Do I look like I’m joking?”

“Ehm,” Jensen shook his head and then erupted in a full body laugh. Tears formed at the corner of his eyes.

“This isn’t funny, Jensen,” Jared said, an offending tone to his voice.

“Yes it is.” Oh what would he give to have been a fly on the wall to have seen that go down. “What did you do?” he asked, still laughing.

“She asked me who I was. Can you believe it? She didn’t even remember me.” His friend sounded so hurt, Jensen took pity on him. He tried to contain his laughter as much as he could. It wasn’t easy.

“I introduced myself again, said I was sorry and got the hell out,” Jared went on. “She didn’t look impressed and now I don’t think I can ever face her again.”

“I’m afraid you’ll have to buddy.” Jensen looked at his watch. “The table read is in ten minutes and she is gonna be there.”

“Don’t I know it.” Jared’s shoulders slumped. He was crushed. Jensen could only imagine how he felt, but he was sure it wasn’t that bad. In a few months, they would all look back on this incident and have a good laugh about it.

\-----

Jared and Jensen arrived at the table read a few minutes late. Everyone was already there and waiting when they walked into the room on set three.

“Glad you guys decided to join us,” Kim Manners, who would direct this episode, said in a teasing manner. The words hardly registered. Jensen’s mind was too preoccupied with his stomach doing somersaults at the sight of the blue eyed man sitting at the table. He zoned out for a second, looking into a steel blue gaze with the intensity of a strong laser beam that tried to bore a hole into his skull. _What the hell?_

“…and this is Misha Collins who will play the role of Castiel.” Jensen snapped out of his reverie when a warm hand with graceful long fingers wrapped around his in a firm handshake. A shot of adrenaline slowly made his way through his body at the touch. He forced a casual smile on his lips and hoped no one noticed the red color that was covering his cheeks. Not only was he now blushing like a high school girl with a crush, he fucking acted like one. _Great._

Jensen was surprised he was able to read his lines without a hitch. He had a hard time concentrating on anything else that was said unless it involved the character Castiel; then he was all ears for some reason. From what he heard from Eric and Kim, the angel’s introduction would be epic.

Misha – what kind of name was that anyway – made eye contact with him and held his gaze while reading his lines. He was calm, collected, professional... _strange_. His weirdness totally threw Jensen off balance. By the time the read through was over, he didn’t remember half of what was said. What was it about this guy that made him act like a complete idiot? He was fucking thirty years old and never, in his entire life, did he meet someone that held this much power over him.

***

Misha had been pretty nervous when he had driven to the set this morning. The Supernatural crew consisted of more than one hundred people who had spent over seventy hours a week with each other for the past three years and he was the new kid at school. They really made a concerted effort to welcome him in a very warm way though. It was much easier than everything he had ever done before in terms of getting to know everybody.

Eric showed him around a bit after the table read and ended the tour in the cafeteria. He told him a PA would come and get him to take him to wardrobe after lunch. Castiel needed his outfit sorted out. In the meantime he was free to explore the set and maybe catch some rehearsals. And that was exactly what Misha intended to do. He would love to see Jensen at work.

Before the read through, Eric had asked him not to do his ‘voice’ while reading his lines. Now he asked him not to do it at the rehearsals either. He had to save it for the actual shooting. Kripke wanted to catch Jensen’s genuinely surprised face on camera; if he didn’t burst into laughter that is. Eric didn’t think that would be the case. It was hard to make Jensen break character when he was being serious to get the job done.

Misha looked at the buffet with a sigh. He decided on a turkey sandwich and some yoghurt with fresh strawberries. Instead of sitting with it at one of the many tables, he took it to the three banger he shared with Genevieve on one end and Traci – the woman who would play the psychic Pamela – in the middle.

Supporting actors, guest stars, a day players and the like got assigned to the ‘three bangers’, trailers with three individual sections. He got his own section. The compartment was quite similar to a very small hotel room. It contained a mahogany desk and lighted mirror for makeup, ac outlets, a comfortable dark brown sofa that pulled out into a bed for sleeping, a small closet for wardrobe and his own clothes, a private bathroom with shower, full-length mirror, individually controllable air conditioning and heat, a flat screen TV, a small fridge and microwave and some sort of music system. There was also wi-fi. It was not spacious, but clean and comfortable.

Misha read through his lines while he ate. He couldn’t concentrate on them. The words danced before his eyes while his mind constantly drifted off to Jensen. He finally gave up making the effort of going through his part of the script again, and sprawled on the couch with the fingers of his hands laced together on his belly.

Yesterday he hadn’t been sure in the gloomy light of the bar, but today there was no mistake about it. That was some serious pink that had slowly appeared on Jensen’s cheeks. It had caught him off guard, not to mention the jolt of electricity that had shot up his arm at the touch of his hand. Could it be that Jensen was also attracted to him? That the articles in the early tabloids were right and he was bi sexual? Now wouldn’t that open a whole lot of possibilities.

_No!_ He was not going there. He was contracted for six episodes, then his character would be killed off, or, at least, that was the plan. It was a terrible idea of getting involved with a co actor only to have to leave him behind after a few weeks never to return or see him again. Besides, a few weeks was hardly enough time to get to know someone to jump into the sack with them. He wouldn’t mind acting out his fantasies when the other party was willing though, never mind how well he knew him. He wondered what Jensen’s lips would taste like if he pressed his mouth to his; he wanted to see the storm in his green eyes when he fucked him to a mind blowing orgasm and hear him scream his name while he came. He felt something growing behind the zipper of his pants at the very thought of it.

_Jesus Christ, Collins, get your head out of the gutter. It is not gonna happen._

He closed his eyes and did the relaxing breathing technique he learned during his time at a monastery in Nepal to get rid of his boner. He could be called to wardrobe any minute now and it was not a good idea to show up there with a hard on.

***

Jensen was tossing and turning and punched his pillow a few times in utter frustration. After a while, he got up. If he wanted to catch something that even remotely resembled ‘sleep’, he needed to create some order in the chaotic thoughts that were whirling inside his mind.

In the semi-darkness only lit up by a few night lights so people would see where they were going without turning on the big lights, he made his way down the stairs and into the kitchen.

He wasn’t a big fan of warm milk, but desperate times required desperate measures. He shivered at the thought of it and then decided not to warm the milk up, but mix a banana into it instead. Bananas were also good when you couldn’t sleep, right? He remembered reading it somewhere.

The loud sound of the mixer made him cringe. Hopefully his nosy friend didn’t wake up from it and come downstairs demanding to know what gave him such a hard time to fall asleep that he had to take his refuge in a homemade sleep potion. He shared a lot with Jared, but this was a little too private. There were things he liked to keep to himself thank you very much.

He sniffed his banana-milk drink and crinkled his nose. Carefully, he took a sip, prepared for a serious assault on his taste buds. He was surprised that didn’t happen. This was not bad at all.

Right, so, Misha. Except that one time he had caught him at his rehearsal scene with Jim, he didn’t see much of him today. Again he asked himself what kind of magic spell the guy had cast on him to make him feel all tingly inside. That was some crush he had and he knew him from Jack squat. Misha’s whole body language had told him it went both ways, although he couldn’t be absolutely sure. He had been wrong before.

Now that he knew his name, Jensen had done an internet search the moment he got home. His stomach had dropped to his feet when he learned that he was married. Of course he was. He should have known a guy as gorgeous as him was off the market. And why the hell did he care? It was not like he was actually gonna pursue ‘a thing’ with him. He was dating Danneel and he was not going to jeopardize that relationship for a fling with someone who was going to be gone in a few weeks.

Some more research had taught him Misha’s wife had written a book on threesomes. Jensen had gasped for air when he found that out. Did that mean the guy was into it? He had to get his hands on that book one way or the other.

He found it on Amazon, but after thinking about it he decided against ordering it. If Jared found out he had ‘a practical guide to sleeping with three’ laying around, he would never hear the end of it. And if he knew, it wouldn’t be long before the whole cast and crew knew and that included Misha. Nope, not a good idea.

Jensen took a sip from his banana flavored milk. He wanted to know more about those threesomes. Not because he wanted to practice it himself – hell no – but because he wanted to know what Misha’s take was on it; how did he feel about it. Damn it, he needed a plan of action here. He couldn’t just walk up to the guy and ask.

A sigh sounded through the silence of the kitchen. It really wasn’t that difficult. He just had to friend the guy and then, maybe after a few beers, _or something a whole lot stronger_ , he had to casually steer the conversation in the direction he wanted…if he caught him alone. He wasn’t going to do it with others around.

Glad he had that sorted out, he finished his drink and went back to bed. Make friends with the guy, learn to know him and keep that god damn crush at bay. It sounded like a good plan, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact, Jared's first encounter with Gen was indeed when she was sitting in her underwear reading a book.  
> Most shows have table reads before the actual shooting begins. I don't know if it is the case for Supernatural, but I decided to go with it. What I do know is that no new actor is just brought on set and thrown into a scene. Misha and Jensen did meet before their first scene together, I'm sure of it. If they actually talked to each other before that, I don't know.  
> See you next Monday. Thanks for reading and leave a comment :)


	3. The voice that became a curse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I almost forgot. Tooth ache from hell here and insomnia because of the pain. Dentist appointment tomorrow. Fingers crossed.

 

The only times Misha saw Jensen for the rest of the week, was during Jensen’s rehearsals or the shooting of a scene. If everything went according to Kim’s plan, he would have his first rehearsal with Jensen on Monday followed by the actual shooting of their part together. The director wanted to have the episode wrapped up by Tuesday.

Misha often wanted to just walk up to Jensen and maybe exchange a few words with him. He didn’t though. No, scratch that, he _couldn’t._ Not because he was a big coward _, okay, maybe just a tiny bit, just admit it Collins,_ but because Jensen was never alone. He was always accompanied by at least one person, mostly Jared. They were like joined at the hip or something. He didn’t want to come between a tight friendship like that. They probably wouldn’t allow it anyway, so, he kept his distance and didn’t intrude; let Jensen come to him instead of the other way around. Except, Jensen didn’t.

On Thursday he strolled into the cafeteria for lunch and caught the two main leads and Jim Beaver at one of the tables. As if he sensed his presence, Jensen looked up, straight at him. They exchanged a distant but intense glance that only lasted one second…maybe two…three at the most, before Jensen broke the stare and turned his attention back to the conversation he was having with his two co-stars. Misha pretended it didn’t hurt his feelings when Jensen didn’t wave him over to join them. Ah well, what did he expect? He was a nobody. Someone they had to work with and then be done with. It was probably for the best not to become too close to these people. Sure, most of the cast and the crew had been very friendly and welcoming, but that was where it ended. At the end of the day, he was still a stranger who would probably never become a part of this extended family, he wouldn’t be around long enough for that to happen.

Disappointed, he took his lunch to his compartment in the three banger and ate alone. He always found it a bit ridiculous to have to be on the set every day even when there was nothing for him to do, but you never knew when they might need him. He was contracted for six episodes and during the shooting of those episodes, he always had to be there.

Misha was glad when Friday evening came and he was released. He couldn’t wait to hop on a plane that would take him home, to the comforting embrace of Vicky. She always could make him feel better.

At the parking lot, he saw Jensen again with Jared at his side, _of course._ It started to irritate him. Not because of their friendship - Lord no, he was not that pathetic - but was it really too much to ask to catch Jensen alone for once damn it?

He decided not to let it bother him any longer. It was a waste of time and energy. In the past few days Jensen had made it perfectly clear he didn’t really want to get to know him otherwise he would have taken some effort in coming to talk to him at least once, right? He quickly averted his eyes when he caught sight of them and made it look like he didn’t see them. If Jensen wanted to act like an asshole by not acknowledging his existence outside the work floor, fine, he could do that too. He got into his car, turned the engine on and drove away.

***

With his mouth slightly open, Jensen stared after the taillights of the car as it drove off. He had seen Misha, but the guy had completely ignored them. Or maybe he just didn’t see them. He wasn’t sure which was true.

“He is so weird,” he mumbled, shaking his head.

“Who is?” Jared asked while tapping on his phone.

“The new guy. Misha.”

“Oh.” Jared shrugged. “I haven’t seen much of him to be honest.”

“Of course you haven’t. You’ve been walking with your head in the clouds ever since Genevieve gave you the time of day again.”

Jared turned crimson. “Yeah. She is nice.” The corners of his mouth quirked up.  

“I’m glad you two are on speaking terms again.” Jensen slapped him on the back in a brotherly manner. “Now, let’s find Clif, go home, shower, change and hit the bar.”

\-----

Jensen was well on his way to getting drunk, which was exactly the point: he _wanted_ to get drunk. He found himself unconsciously scanning the bar in search for a certain blue eyed guy until it hit him he wasn’t there. Why would he be? No one invited him, not as far as he knew. Besides, the guy was probably on his way home by now, to his wife. Jensen couldn’t blame him. If he had a wife waiting for him, he would go home too. Except, he hadn’t. Danneel was in New York on a job and wouldn’t be back for at least three weeks.

Jensen downed another whisky shot. The drink burned its way down his throat and pooled warm in his belly.

Yesterday Jensen had seen Misha in the cafeteria. He was thrown completely off balance when he had stared in that hypnotizing blue gaze again. He had to avert his eyes in order to prevent the butterflies that were kicking up a storm in his stomach, to multiply and get out of control. Too late he had realized what a jerk he was not to invite him to come sit with them. Misha had looked so lost and so alone. By the time he had gained control of himself again and wanted to wave him over, he was already gone.

Jensen gulped down another shot and ordered five more.

The fingers of his two hands weren’t enough to count the times he wanted to go talk with his new coworker, he just didn’t have the opportunity. He was either rehearsing or shooting and when he was doing neither, someone else needed him for whatever reason. The only time he did have a chance was yesterday at the cafeteria and he blew that one.

The slight and pleasant buzz Jensen had felt earlier was now spinning out of control. He was wasted. Lucky for him, Jared was there to prevent him from falling over or making a complete fool of himself.

“Okay, buddy. Time to take you home.” His friend supported him while walking out of the bar and put him into the car. Jensen was too far gone to even argue.

It was no surprise that he woke up mid Saturday morning with a killer headache and a body that felt like it was run over by a truck. He didn’t even remember how the hell he got home. There was something floating at the edge of his conscious; something about too many whisky shots and a car ride that had made him want to throw up, but after that, everything was one big wiped clean sheet.

And suddenly, _he_ was there again. Like a thief in the night, he crept his way into his mind and Jensen didn’t even notice it until he fully occupied his thoughts. With a groan, he threw his arm over his eyes. Damn it, why couldn’t he stop thinking about the guy. What the fuck was wrong with him. Again, he had to remind himself Misha would be gone in a few weeks and he would probably never see him again. He should execute his plan to strike a friendship with him and be done with it. _Yeah, Jensen, and how well did that go so far._ Misha probably thought he was the world’s biggest asshole. He had to set the record straight, starting Monday. A new week, a new beginning. He never wanted the weekend to be over so fast as he did right then.

\-----

The set was buzzing with activity. Jensen was rehearsing his scene with Jim wondering where the hell Misha was. He hadn’t seen him yet; not in make-up nor in wardrobe, nowhere, but he had to be somewhere. Where was Eric hiding him? Talking about Kripke, he hadn’t seen him either so far, which was out of the ordinary.

Movement out of the corner of his eye made him look up. Misha and Eric entered the set side by side. Jensen gasped for air, his sight only focused on Misha. Unconsciously licking his lips he gave the guy a once over, not even realizing he was staring. So, that was Kripke’s idea of the whole ‘holy tax accountant’ look that he had in mind for Castiel: a navy blue suit with a simple white button down, one button opened at the top. A blue crooked tie, tied backwards, hung loosely around his neck. A beige oversized trench coat completed the ensemble. It would probably look utterly ridiculous on someone else, but Misha pulled it off without even trying. Add to that his dark hair that was sticking into eight different directions and his unbelievable blue eyes and women from all over the world would faint by the dozens when they saw him. It was at that very moment that Jensen crushed like he had never crushed before in his life. He was so, so screwed.

\-----

Kripke told them what he expected from the scene and they went over their lines again. After a few rehearsals, the actual shooting started.

Jensen was quite impressed when Misha didn’t flinch once when the tiny puffs of smoke exploded on his chest, impersonating the bullets Castiel was hit with, or from the firework sticks that made sparks fly all over. More would be added during editing to make Castiel’s entrance more impressive and epic, but for now, it was all they could do. Actors weren’t meant to be hurt during filming.

Misha as Castiel came to a stop and Jensen said his lines.

_“Who are you?”_

Misha gave him a look somewhere between proud and stating a fact.

_“I’m the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition.”_

Jensen was floored. Misha did this deep, gravelly, commanding, kick-ass, window-breaking voice that sounded so sexy it made all the blood in his veins run straight to his dick _. What the actual fuck?_ Did the guy just swallow a roll of sand paper or something? He totally forgot his next line and broke character.

The scene was cut off. Jensen turned to his camera department and mouthed ‘what is he doing?’ He drew in a breath through clenched teeth, feigning disbelief. ‘Did he audition?’ He saw Kripke smirking. It told him enough. It was a conspiracy. They totally knew about this. Those smug bastards.

“Now that you got over the initial surprise, can you do it again, please?” Kim said amused.

And so the scene was shot again. Jensen had a hard time focusing when Misha went into this voice, this spiel. He really took his character to a whole new level of weird but he could see both Kim and Eric loved it. By the time the whole scene was on camera to the director’s satisfaction, Jensen was used to it, but only barely. He still had a hard time grasping what just happened. It took him a few minutes to gather himself well enough to turn to Misha and ask him if he wanted to join them for a late lunch, maybe? The man was already whisked away by Eric though. He saw them leaving the set together to God knows where. The pang of disappointment that hit him in the chest didn’t mean anything.

Instead of going to catering to eat, Jensen decided to first go shower and change. Outside, on his way to the trailers, he ran into Jared.

“Hey. How is the new guy?” his friend asked.

“Really nice. But what the hell is he doing on camera?”

Jared drew his brows together. “What do you mean?”

Jensen started to explain what just went down. “He’s strange,” he concluded. “He’s not a bad actor, obviously,…he’s just…really strange,” he added thoughtfully.

He was startled out of his thoughts by Jared who nudged his arm. “There he is,” he said, his voice lowered to a conspiratorial tone. “I think he is still in character, look, look.”

Jensen glanced into the direction his friend was nudging his head. Misha was standing behind the grip truck, eating something that looked like yoghurt or granola. He had a very pensive look about him. “Yeah, yeah, looks like he’s thinking or something,” Jensen said. He took a deep breath. It was now or never. It was about time he got to know him if he ever wanted to find out what that book was all about. “Come on, let’s go talk to him.” They made their way over to him.

Misha watched them coming closer with a blank expression on his face. He sat himself on the flat bed of the truck, slowly scooping up whatever was in the bowl he was holding.

“Hi.” Jensen plastered a smile on his lips. “Ehm,…great acting, man.” He felt a familiar heat rising up to his cheeks again. Damn it. He acted like a sixteen year old who desperately tried to make conversation with his crush.

Misha’s mouth twitched. “Thank you. You too.” He turned his attention back to his food.

Jensen put his hands in the front pockets of his jeans. “So, ehm, we always go out for drinks when an episode is shot. You are always free to come join us. We never make it late, it is a week night and we have to work tomorrow.” Great, and now he was rambling. _Nice job there, Ackles, Jesus._ He snapped his mouth shut to prevent himself from saying something stupid.

Misha regarded him with narrow eyes. He drew his bottom lip between his teeth and fuck if that didn’t turn him on somehow.

“I would like that.” Misha gave him half a smile. “When and where?”

“At the bar the party was held, at six tonight,” Jared said in Jensen’s place. “Seriously, man. You should come.”

Misha nodded. The smile on his face broadened. “Maybe I will.”

“Okay then. So, ehm, see you tonight. I’m, eh, gonna change and get something to eat.” Jensen turned around and walked away with Jared by his side. Aside from that stupid, traitorous blush that had crept over his face, this went not bad at all. Now he only hoped the guy would actually show up.

***

Misha stared after them as they walked to their trailers. He let out his excitement that he had tried to contain when Jensen invited him with a hardly audible ‘yessss’.

In his compartment of the trailer, he wiped the make-up from his face in front of the mirror and then hit the shower. He couldn’t stop smiling while he was standing under the warm spray, enjoying the water beating down on his body. They really made some serious progress today. The best part was that Jensen had come over to _him_ ; had invited _him_.

He thought back about their scene together. The look on Jensen’s face when he first did his Castiel ‘voice’ had been priceless. Even after the initial surprise, Jensen was always thrown a little off balance by his voice, which made his character, Dean even more believable at his first encounter of an angel.

The water that turned cold forced Misha out of the shower. He dried himself off with a fluffy white towel and changed into a pair of jeans and a t-shirt.

After the utter disaster that had been the whole last week in the getting to know each other department, this week got off to a great start. Misha chuckled when he remembered the blush on Jensen’s cheeks. It was adorable. There really was a mutual attraction there and if Misha hadn’t been sure before, he was now. Jensen did swing both ways in contrary to what he led the world to believe. It took one to know one. He wondered if Jared knew that little fact.

It really didn’t matter. He had to remind himself he would be gone in a few weeks and he wasn’t looking to get his heart broken.

Misha was all for one night stands, but if he was to dive between the sheets with Jensen, it wouldn’t exactly define as a one night stand. They worked too close together for it not to go any further once that first step was set and it would be very hard to resist the temptation to do it again. Misha knew himself well enough to know that he tended to get too attached when he slept with someone on more than one occasion. And where would that leave him when he had to go eventually? Right, with a heart shattered into a gazillion pieces. Vicky wouldn’t be very happy to pick them up and mend them back together again. She always warned him to be very careful not to get too close to someone when he wasn’t sure they were in it for the long haul. One night stands were fine, he could detach himself from that, sex was sex and he enjoyed it, but when it became more, like friends with benefits, then he started to skate on thin ice and it became tricky.

So, no, he was not going to pursue a thing with Jensen. He would offer him his friendship, but there he was going to draw the line, for his own sanity. That didn’t mean he was going to stop jerking off with his image in his head though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep, Jensen did say in an interview once that, in the beginning, he was always thrown off balance a bit whenever Misha went into Castiel mode, but that it made his character, Dean, more believable at his first encounters of the angel.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed the chapter. See you next Monday.


	4. A promising friendship

 

The butterflies in Jensen’s stomach were doing their best to tie it in probably the most complicated knots in history. He had no idea how on earth he was going to untangle them later.

He was sitting at a table with Jared, eyes fixed on the entrance of the bar. The closer it grew to six o’clock, the more nervous he got. Now it was twenty past and still no sign of Misha. Maybe he had changed his mind. Jensen couldn’t help but feel disappointed about that. Or maybe something had happened? Damn it, he should have given him his number just in case. He had to remember to do that tonight, if he was ever going to show up.

The whole time he was pondering over it, Jared was rambling on about something. Jensen didn’t catch half of what he was talking about. He was too busy keeping an eye on the door, hoping every next person that entered the bar would be Misha.

“Yo, JACKLES.”

Jensen almost jumped up. He snapped his eyes to his friend. “What?”

“Wow man, where were you? You were like gone. What is wrong with you?”

Jensen sighed deeply. “It’s nothing.” He rubbed his forehead. “I’m just tired.”

Jared shot him a skeptical look, but didn’t press on. Jensen was thankful for that. He was hardly ready to admit to himself he was attracted to their new costar – their very married costar who was also a guy, let’s not forget that – let alone to Jared. His friend would never judge him – he was actually very good at giving advice – he was just not… _ready_. Hell, he didn’t even know if Misha was into dudes and he didn’t wanna crash and burn like he did with Jared three years ago.

And then he suddenly saw him walking in. He immediately sat up straight and when he saw him scanning the room, he waved to get his attention.

Misha acknowledged him with a smile and made his way over to their table. God he looked good.

“Hey, man, glad you could come,” Jared greeted him while Misha pulled out a chair and sat himself down. “You want a beer?”

“Yeah, sure, thanks.”

Jared got up. “I’ll get it. Be right back.”

Misha watched him for a few seconds as he made his way to the counter and then turned his attention to Jensen. “Sorry I’m late. I fell asleep on my couch.”

“No, that’s okay.” Jensen waved his arm dismissively. “It is not mandatory to attend. It is just something we do.”

“Well, thanks for inviting me.” Misha gave him such a radiant and grateful smile, Jensen thought his heart melted instantly.

Jared returned with three beer bottles he put on the table. “Guys, I saw Gen. You mind I leave you two alone, go talk to her?”

“No, man, of course not,” Jensen said.

Jared wiggled his eyebrows at the both of them, grabbed his bottle and took off.

Misha chuckled. “Looks like he is pretty taken with her.”

“You have no idea.” Jensen rolled his eyes and let out a little laugh. “I’m happy for him though. I hope they make it.”

“Are they dating?”

Jensen took a swig from his beer. “No, not yet. Jared is someone who likes to get to know a person first before he takes it further. He is very careful about the whole thing.”

“Smart guy.” Misha moved his chair a bit closer to the table so it was easier for people to pass behind him – the bar got pretty crowded now that happy hour started – and his knee bumped against Jensen’s. It was as if a bolt of lightning coursed through Jensen’s leg, straight to the more private parts of his lower body. His dick perked up with interest. _Shit._

Misha didn’t remove his knee. He let it casually rest against his like it was no big deal. Jensen could feel the heat radiating from it through the fabric of his jeans. He swallowed and looked up. A pair of blue eyes looked right back, piercing into his own, challenging him, _daring_ him. _Fuck._ The electricity that shimmered between them was almost palpable. If there would be a power failure right now, there was no doubt in Jensen’s mind they would be responsible for it.

After a beat of intense staring, Jensen relaxed his leg. He was not going to back away. Misha’s mouth curved into a smile but it was so faint and hardly there Jensen could have easily imagined it. It answered the question about this guy being into dudes or not. He most definitely was and that knowledge turned his world upside down just a little bit more.

To remove some of the tension that hung heavy in the air between them, Jensen cleared his throat. “So, ehm, Misha. That’s a strange name. I never heard it before.”

“It’s actually Dmitri.”

Jensen blinked. “Uhm, what?”

“My birth name. It is Dmitri Tippens Krushnic.”

Okay, that was new information. Jensen did not find that during his internet search. “Sounds Russian,” he said.

“That’s because it is Russian.” Misha’s long fingers wrapped around the bottle of beer and he started to rub it up and down to wipe away the condensation. The movement did all kinds of strange things to Jensen’s insides.  He could not tear his eyes away from the seemingly casual act. It was hypnotizing. The crotch of his jeans grew tighter with every passing minute.

“My Mother went to Russia when she was in college,” Misha elaborated. “She had a boyfriend at the time named Dmitri, which is shortened to the nickname Mitya. She misunderstood and nicknamed me Misha, after the name Mikhail instead. I borrowed my last name, Collins, from my great grandmother.”

“Oh. That’s very interesting. So, ehm, you speak Russian?”

Misha laughed. “I traveled to Russia a lot and mastered the accent. It landed me some roles as Russian characters in television series.”

That’s right, Jensen remembered reading about that. He had played a Russian character in ‘24’.

“What about you?” Misha asked.

“I’m not that interesting,” Jensen chuckled. “Born in Dallas, Texas as Jensen Ross Ackles. Moved to Hollywood at 18 and the rest is history.” He didn’t like to talk about himself much. If Misha wanted to know more, he just had to look him up, if he hadn’t done it already.

Their little private conversation was cut short by Jared who came back to sit with them, a big grin on his face. It told Jensen his talk with Genevieve went well.

Misha shuffled in his seat and with that, removed his knee from where it had pressed against Jensen’s. Jensen instantly missed the heat of the touch and the touch itself. It left him crestfallen. _What the hell._ He tried to compose himself as best as he could and plastered a smile on his lips.

The rest of the evening went by in idle conversation. Jokes were made and they entertained Misha with telling him about the pranks they played on the set.

By the time they decided to call it a night at around one in the morning, Jensen had learnt Misha was actually a very nice and laid back guy.

***

Misha was rather pleased with himself when he entered his apartment. The evening went a lot better than expected. The guys were great. He almost died laughing when they told him about the pranks they had played on each other. It was hilarious. He felt a bond of friendship was forged tonight.

Despite the fact he had promised himself not to do anything that would make Jensen believe he was interested in a little more than friendship, he had. The initial knee bump was totally by accident. He didn’t mean to. When Jensen didn’t flinch at the contact, he took a chance and let it stay there, and challenged him to back away first. Jensen didn’t and if his body language and the glint in those green eyes were any indication, he enjoyed it.

Misha groaned in frustration. Damn it, he had to keep his wits about him and not let the lines of friendship blur into something more. Or maybe, maybe he just had to make a leap of faith and go for it; see where it took him. It was quite possible nothing would happen. Jensen was dating a beautiful woman – yes, he knew Danneel Harris, he did an internet search for her too – and he might not want to put that at stake for a fling. And if something did happen that went further than some harmless flirting, then he just had to shield himself from heartbreak for when he had to leave it all behind and never look back.

Dressed in only his boxers, Misha crawled under the covers. He contemplated calling Vicky, then decided against it. It was almost two in the morning by now and he didn’t want to wake her up. He would call her tomorrow.

Misha let his hand slowly glide under the covers to his cock. He was hard as a rock, had been ever since that knee bump. He rubbed it a few times through the fabric of his boxers, then removed the garment and threw it on the floor. He carefully pulled back the foreskin of his dick - he wasn’t circumcised - and smeared out the precome that was pearling at the head, with his thumb. With slow and lazy strokes, he started to pleasure himself. He imagined Jensen bent over a desk or whatever surface his fantasies came up with and fucking him from behind, rough and frantic. The image changed to Jensen’s lips around his cock, sucking him all the way down.

Moans spilled from Misha’s mouth as he started to buck his hips, fucking into his hand, reaching for the climax. He came hard with the image of him fucking Jensen against the shower wall, shooting his load in that perfect ass. His release spilled warm over his hand as he screamed Jensen’s name.

He took a few minutes to spiral down from his height. Too lazy to get up, he cleaned himself with his t shirt, then turned to his side and fell asleep with a satisfied smile on his lips.

***

A few miles further, Jensen was doing the exact same thing while in the shower, but he felt bad about it afterwards. It was the first time since he dated Danneel that he got off to the image of someone else but her. He felt like he had cheated on her and that was so not like him.

What made matters worse, was that he had come with the vision of a man behind his closed eyelids; a gorgeous man with eyes the color of a clear blue sky on a cold winter’s day. That hadn’t happened in years.

He wondered if he could talk to Danneel about it. He almost regretted he dated her. When she had only been his best friend, he could tell her everything. Now things were slightly different. He knew her well enough, but there was no way in telling how she would react now that they were an item.

With a big sigh he got into bed. Him being in a relationship wasn’t the only thing that made things complicated. Misha was a married man. If he were only single, he probably would have taken things a little further than just the flirting by now. The guy was obviously bi, that much he knew after this evening. Ugh. Why was life always so damn complex? Couldn’t things just be simple for once?

\-----

The next day on set was pretty calm and relaxed. Jensen needed to reshoot some scenes, but that was about it. They started filming episode two on Thursday.

When Friday rolled along and Jensen asked Misha to hit the bar with them, like they always did on Friday night, Misha declined. He had a good friend visiting him that weekend and he had to fly home. Jensen was surprised at the pang of jealousy that unexpectedly hit him in the gut. Who was that friend? Was he one of those people he and his wife had threesomes with? Talking about which, he still had to ask Misha about that. He couldn’t do it on weeknights when they went out for drinks after another episode was filmed. There wasn’t enough beer in the world to drink him into plucking up the courage of asking him that, only whiskey shots could do that, _maybe_ , and they were out of the question when the other day was a work day.

Just like the previous week, Jensen was glad the weekend was over. He asked himself how on earth that was even possible. He always enjoyed those two days off after an often seventy hour workweek. The answer wasn’t that hard to find. There was only one person responsible for the fact he looked forward going back to work more than ever: Misha. He was in so much trouble.

Now that the three men had begun to form something that could be defined as friendship, they hung out together a lot during their days on the set.

Misha and Jensen didn’t have a scene together until Thursday. Jensen was still thrown a bit off balance every time Misha went into full Castiel mode. The angel had no sense of boundaries and crowded constantly in his personal space. Sometimes he was standing so close, Jensen could smell the faint scent of his aftershave. It heightened his senses and sent his hormones all over the place.

Some actors came on set and always put their personality in the character they had to play. Misha was different. He became Castiel, a whole other person – well, angel actually – with a strange flair and a weird vibe. It made him a damn good actor.

On Friday the episode was wrapped up and they hit the bar again, without Misha. It frustrated Jensen to no end. They had both turned up the flirting a notch without being too obvious, but Misha always stopped him when he was about to cross an invisible line. Jensen knew he probably should thank him for that but it made him crazy instead.

Lucky for him, Jared was too preoccupied with his infatuation with Gen to notice his friend’s strange behavior. Another thing to be grateful for. He would have had a lot to answer for if Jared had noticed and he didn’t need that right now.

They had a lot of scenes together in the third episode and now they really went overboard with the flirting. Long and intense stares and lingering touches both on and off camera were the norm. They made Jensen bounce around like a kid on a sugar high and the best part, Misha did go out with them on Friday. There was a bittersweet taste to it though. When this episode was shot, there would be three episodes without Castiel which meant he wouldn’t see Misha for a whole month. Jensen already wondered how he was going to survive that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. See you next Monday


	5. A mistake waiting to happen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tiny bit of Cockles smut ahead, just so you know.

 

Misha was standing at the counter of the bar drinking a beer while Jensen was doing whisky shots. He sensed his friend was getting slightly drunk. It amused him.

Jensen had asked him to join him in the fun of getting wasted, but Misha had politely declined the offer. Not that he didn’t drink or get drunk on occasion, but this was not the time. He was afraid he was going to do something incredibly stupid if he did. He was already treading into dangerous territory with Jensen without adding a huge amount of booze to it. Someone needed to keep his head straight. Seems like he was the one to do it.

“You’re no fun,” Jensen slurred downing another whisky shot. He waved to the waitress to bring him five more.

Misha laughed. “I think it is for the best one of us stays at least a little bit sober.”

“O yeah? Why is that?” Another shot was downed.

“You really need to ask me that, Jensen?” Misha squinted his eyes at him. Did he seriously not know or did he dare him to say where all of this would lead to if they both got wasted. The flirting had been off the charts the past week. They were one push away from getting into the sack with each other if they weren’t careful.

Jensen looked at him for a second, blinked and then turned his attention back to the whisky shots. “I guess not,” he mumbled as if he had just read his thoughts and emptied another shot. “I need to ask you something though.”

“Oh?” Now Misha got curious. He took a swig from his beer. “Ask away.”

“Did your wife really write a book on threesomes?”

Misha almost choked on his drink. He had always known that sooner or later someone would ask him about it, yet, it took him by surprise. “Yes she did,” he said, deciding to be honest about it. Why wouldn’t he? He wasn’t ashamed of it.

“Wow, that’s… And you don’t have a problem with that?”

“No.” Misha shook his head. “I’m proud of her. Do _you_ have a problem with it?”

“Me? No, man, not at all. It’s just…well, I was wondering. Did she do research on the subject or did she write from personal experience?”

Misha took a deep breath. The fact that Jensen knew about this, told him he researched him. He didn’t know if he should be flattered by that or not. In the past two weeks since they became friends, he often asked himself if he would tell Jensen about that aspect of his life considering that he would be gone for good in the near future. He had still not figured it out and now the man brought up the subject himself.

“Me and my wife were involved in threesomes, Jensen, and before you ask, we invited both genders to our bed,” he therefore answered the question truthfully. He chewed his bottom lip, carefully monitoring Jensen’s reaction. It was a whole lot better than he had expected. Jensen gave him a toothy smile. “That’s awesome. So, ehm, you still do it? The threesomes I mean.”

Misha laughed, relieved there was no judgment in Jensen’s tone of voice. “No, it has been a while. Why? You interested?” The question was out of his mouth before he even realized it. Damn it, he shouldn’t have asked that. Jensen didn’t seem to mind though. His eyebrows shot up and he answered: “No. I’m a one person type of guy, ya know. Bit old school, I know.” He gulped down his last whisky shot, hesitated a moment and then asked for a beer instead of another five shots. At least he knew when he had to stop drinking the hard stuff.

“We have an open marriage,” Misha decided to tell the whole truth now.

Jensen pulled his brows together. “What does that mean? That you allow each other to go to bed with other people?”

“Yes. It’s called polyamory.”

“Now, that, I’m interested in.” And didn’t that just make Misha’s heart flutter. Oh the possibilities. _No! He was NOT going there._

“If you are, you should talk to your girlfriend about it.”

Jensen looked at him, eyes slightly unfocused, as if he had just said the world would come to an end in five minutes. “I’m not suicidal, man.”

“Why? You think she wouldn’t understand?”

“I don’t know how she would react, to be honest.”

“Jen, you don’t have to flat out say it to her. Just test the waters, see how she feels about it and when she is against it, drop the subject and don’t bring it up again. But then at least you will know her take on it.”

Jensen seemed to think about it. “You’re right. I probably should talk to her about it,” he agreed and took another swig from his beer.

The switching to something lighter like beer, didn’t really sober Jensen up, it only slowed down the process of getting totally wasted. After an hour, he obviously had enough. He was laying with his head on the counter, snoring softly. It was time to get him home.

Misha looked around for Jared and waved him over when he saw him having a good time with Gen. He hated to interrupt them, but, what else was he supposed to do?

“Would you mind taking him home?” Jared asked looking at Jensen with an amused chuckle.

“No, not a problem. Give me the address.”

Jared wrote it down on a piece of paper and then searched the pockets of Jensen’s jacket for the house keys. He helped Misha with waking their friend up and get him into the car. Jensen didn’t cooperate much but he didn’t resist either.

Misha slid behind the wheel and turned down the car window.

Jared handed him the keys to the house he took from Jensen’s jacket earlier. “Thanks for doing this, man. I owe you.”

Misha smiled. “Don’t mention it.”

“His room is up the stairs, first door on the right. If you manage to get him there.”

“We’ll be fine, Jared, don’t worry.”  Misha quickly put the address in the GPS and turned on the engine. The car roared to life. Jared stepped back from it and Misha drove off.

\-----

Getting Jensen out of the car and into the house wasn’t easy; getting him up the stairs was even harder.

“Damn, Mish, the world is spinning,” Jensen slurred. He leaned heavily on Misha but at least he managed to get one foot in front of the other.

“Booze is known to do that, Jen,” Misha said, an amusing tone to his voice.

“Yeah, guess I had too much to drink.”

“Ya think?”

Misha was glad they made it safely to the second floor. It was there that Jensen tripped over his own feet. He stumbled forward and landed with his face against the wall of the hallway. The solid surface kept him from falling. He giggled and when he turned around, his nose almost touched Misha’s. Their faces were so close together, their breath mingled.

Misha swallowed. The freckles splattered over the bridge of Jensen’s nose, forehead and cheeks stood out against his flushed face. It was the first time he saw them up close and personal.

Jensen’s pupils were blown wide with lust. Only a ring of green was visible around them. Misha’s eyes flicked to Jensen’s full lips that were slightly parted and glistened in the light of the hall, tempting him. Before he knew what happened, those lips were pressed to his. A soft tongue licked at the seam of his mouth. Misha instinctively opened it and when that tongue plunged inside and tangled with his own, he knew he was lost.

The sweet taste of whiskey and beer exploded on his taste buds. He always wondered what Jensen’s lips would taste like, now he knew and he loved it.

Strong hands crept underneath his t-shirt, the fingers like fire on his naked back. Jensen deepened the kiss and pulled him closer against his chest. It wasn’t until he started to rub his erection against Misha’s thigh that had somehow made its way between Jensen’s legs, that Misha came back to his senses. With every ounce of self-control he managed to dig up from deep inside of him, he broke the kiss.

“Jensen, no, please stop,” he panted; rough, breathless. This was not how he imagined their first time, not with Jensen drunk out of his mind. If they ever did have sex, he wanted him sober. He was not going to take advantage of him.

Jensen however, didn’t let him go that easily. He pressed him even closer and started grinding against him more frantically. “Mmm, no, not gonna stop. Feels too good.” Jensen captured his lips again.

Misha went with it for a few seconds – he was only human and he had dreamed of this for so long – before he broke the kiss again. He cupped Jensen’s face. “No, Jensen, we can’t, not like this.”

“Yes we can,” Jensen argued, voice laced with desire. “Please, Mish, _please_. I want you, want you so, so bad.” He looked deep into his eyes, a piercing gaze. Misha could see the storm of an orgasm building up in them. They went wide with one last buck of his hips and then they fluttered closed while a long moan spilled from his kiss swollen lips. It didn’t take a genius to know Jensen just came. _Damn it._

Spiraling down from his height, Jensen let his forehead fall onto Misha’s shoulder. Misha held him in his arms to guide him through his climax. It was all he could do at this point even if it wasn’t meant to happen. It was too late now. Why didn’t he put a stop to this sooner?

With a deep sigh, Jensen lifted his head once he was recovered and opened his eyes. The corners of his mouth moved up. “I believe I just came in my pants.” He giggled. “That hasn’t happened to me since I was sixteen. See now what an effect you have on me?”

Misha moved away from him and opened the door to his bedroom. First door on the right, right? “Yeah, well, you’re probably gonna hate me in the morning.”

Jensen stumbled into his room. “I could never hate you, Mish,” he said. He fell onto the bed, face forward and went out like a light.

Misha shook his head. Someone was going to wake up with a very uncomfortable feeling between his legs tomorrow. He stared at his sleeping friend for a minute. Should he clean him up? He wanted to, but decided against it. Jensen was probably going to feel embarrassed enough when he woke up. No need to add to that embarrassment. He did pull off his boots and his socks though. Then he put his number in Jensen’s IPhone – they still hadn’t exchanged numbers yet and it was high time he rectified that. He wrote a note which he left on the nightstand next to his cell, before he quietly left the house.

***

Jensen woke up with a hangover from hell. He opened his eyes and immediately shut them again against the morning light pouring inside through the bedroom window. Why was the sun always so bright?

The more his brain came back online, the harder someone seemed to bang with a sledgehammer against the inside of his skull.

After a few groans and moans, his body got the message and slowly decided to start functioning again as well. That’s when Jensen noticed the stickiness in his crotch area, and with that the memories of last night came crashing back.

_Oh no, no, no, no, no. Fuck, fuck FUCK._

This was a dream, no, this was a fucking _nightmare_. He pulled a pillow over his head. Oh God no, what has he done? He shamelessly dry humped Misha, that’s what. And why? Because he’d been horny as fuck and frigging drunk. He was such an idiot.

If he remembered correctly, Misha had tried to stop him, twice. _TWICE_ for crying out loud. And did he listen? No, of course not. How was he ever going to face him again? And…oh God, Danneel. He betrayed her. Guilt coursed through his body. He couldn’t believe it. Who was this person? What the hell was wrong with him? How was he going to explain this? So many questions, so little answers.

Muffled moans sounded from underneath the pillow until Jensen almost suffocated. He had to throw it off to get some air although he wanted to die right now. The stickiness in his pants became way too uncomfortable too by the way. He needed a shower and clean clothes.

Jensen pondered his way through the shower. He jeopardized his relationship with Danneel, not to mention his friendship with Misha. How much could a person screw up in one evening? He turned the water as hot as he could bear in an attempt to wash away the guilt.

He felt slightly better afterwards. Barefoot and naked, he padded back into his bedroom. He threw on some boxers and sweatpants and reached for his phone. It was then when he found the note.

_Jensen,_

_I left my number in your phone. Don’t feel bad. Please call me._

_Misha_

Jensen swallowed. ‘Don’t feel bad’ the man wrote. Right. Easy for him to say. He wanted to crawl under a rock and not come out again for the next, oh well, five hundred years or so.

With a deep sigh, Jensen sagged down at the edge of the bed. He looked at the device and the paper in his hands. If he didn’t want things to be very awkward between him and Misha at work on Monday, he probably should make that call. They had a few scenes together and it was better to clear the air before that. But first, aspirin and food and most important, coffee; lots and lots of coffee. If he was going to start cleaning up this mess, he needed a full stomach and some caffeine in his system.

He went downstairs and found Jared in the kitchen reading something on his laptop.

“Morning,” his friend greeted him and looked up. “Boy, you look awful.”

“Thank you very much,” Jensen mumbled. He went straight to the coffee machine and poured himself a big mug. The scalding hot coffee almost scorched his mouth when he took a sip. He pulled a painful face.

“I’m glad Misha got you home and into your room in one piece,” Jared went on. He chuckled. “I’m not gonna ask you how he got your drunken ass up the stairs.”

Jensen let himself fall into a chair at the kitchen table with the mug in his hands. “Don’t ask me, I can hardly remember myself.” He averted his eyes to prevent Jared from seeing the lie in them and snatched a piece of cold bacon off the plate.

Jared raised his eyebrows. “You don’t wanna heat that up?”

“Nope.”

“Okay then.” Jared closed his laptop and stood up.

“Where you going?”

“Pick up some groceries. You need anything?”

Jensen took another piece of bacon. “No, I’m good.”

“Right. See you later.”

When the door closed behind his friend and Jensen heard the car driving off, he got up to make himself some scrambled eggs and heat up that bacon after all.

After cleaning up the remains of breakfast, Jensen knew he couldn’t put it off any longer. He needed to call Misha. His stomach tightened with nerves at the prospect. If that note was anything to go by, the guy wasn’t angry. He wouldn’t blame him if he were though.

Jensen went to his room for the dreaded talk he was about to have with his coworker. He didn’t want Jared to come home and walk in on that conversation. Talk about a disaster waiting to happen. And why did he think that? He should give his housemate some more credit. It was quite possible Jared could make a hell of a lot more sense of this whole fiasco.

Making himself comfortable on the bed, Jensen searched through his contacts. Yep, there it was, listed under Misha. He looked at the number as if it was something from another world.

Taking a deep breath, he pressed the call button, let his head fall against the headboard and closed his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See you all next week.


	6. Facing the consequences

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to take the opportunity to thank my awesome beta again. I don't know what I would do without her ongoing encouragement.

 

Misha was sitting on his couch enjoying a cup of green tea. He was anxiously waiting for a call from Jensen, but wasn’t sure if the guy would do it. How much did he remember? He had to consider the possibility Jensen had no recollection whatsoever of what happened. He had been pretty drunk.

An incoming call pulled him out of his thoughts. A few butterflies started to flutter around in his stomach at the familiar name flashing on the screen of his phone. Instead of answering with his usual ‘Hello, Misha Collins’ he picked up with: “Hi, Jensen.”

There was a beat of silence. Then: “Hey, Misha.” Jensen sounded tired, timid,… _embarrassed_.

“This means you found my note?”

A very long, very deep sigh came through the phone. “Yeah, I did. I guess we need to talk, huh.” It wasn’t even a question.

“We do. I’m glad you called. How much do you remember?”

“Honestly?” A chuckle. “Everything, really.”

Misha was impressed. At least he told the truth instead of pretending he didn’t remember a goddamn thing which would have been a hell of a lot easier for him. It told him Jensen was someone who took responsibility for his actions and was ready to face the consequences whatever they may be.

“I’m sorry, Misha.”

“Why?”

“Ehhh, for getting so drunk, for starters. For dry humping you. For continuing to dry hump you when you told me to stop. For getting off on you. The list goes on and on.”

“Jensen,…”

“I feel like I sexually assaulted you, man, and I feel pretty bad about it.”

“Jensen,…”

“I mean, what was I thinking? Oh, that’s right, I wasn’t fucking thinking.”

“JENSEN!”

“WHAT?”

“Breathe.” The guy was obviously having a massive freak out and he needed to calm down before he was going to work himself into a cardiac arrest. “Look,” he went on. “I’m fine, you didn’t do anything wrong because, to be perfectly honest, I wanted it as much as you did.” He held his breath, wondering what Jensen would say to that.

“Ehm, you did?”

Misha slowly released his breath again. “Yes, I did.”

“Oh.” A few seconds of silence stretched out between them. “But I got off, you didn’t and…”

“It doesn’t matter, Jen,” Misha interrupted him. “Cards on the table, I wanted to kiss you before I even met you and when I finally did meet you, I wanted it even more. Yesterday it happened, we can’t change that and even if we could, I don’t wanna. I don’t regret it, Jensen.”

“So, where does this leave us?”

“If you are meaning to ask if this ruined our friendship, then the answer is no, it didn’t. That’s why I left you the note to call me, to reassure you that nothing has changed.”

“So, we are good?” The relief Misha heard in Jensen’s voice was almost palpable. He smiled. “Yes, we are good.”

“You have no idea how glad I am to hear you say that. Now I only have to figure out how I’m gonna explain this to Danneel. You think I should tell her?”

Misha sighed. “I can’t really give you advice on what you should or shouldn’t tell her, Jensen.” He stood up and started pacing. “You have to decide that for yourself.”

“Yeah. I guess I have a lot to figure out. I’m just glad that at least we are okay.”

“Of course we are.”

“Thanks, Mish. I’m glad we talked about this. So, ehm, see you Monday?”

“See you Monday,” Misha replied.

With that the call ended.

Misha huffed out a small laugh. He took his empty mug and went to the kitchen to make himself another cup of tea. He went over the conversation in his head. It hit him that he had laid his soul bare when he told Jensen he didn’t regret it, but Jensen didn’t exactly tell him the same thing. He was overwhelmed with guilt, which was understandable, the guy was in a relationship after all, but was he sorry once he knew Misha wasn’t? Not that Misha had something to be sorry about. It was Jensen who initiated the whole thing and he did try to stop him. Okay, maybe not wholeheartedly, but still, he had made an effort.

With another mug of steaming hot green tea, he went back to the couch. What happened didn’t mean anything and it was a horrible idea to pretend it did. They had crossed a line, and he was going to make sure it would not get crossed again for both their sakes.

***

Even though they talked about it, Jensen was still nervous about going back to work after the weekend. He wasn’t sure how to act around Misha. His fears were ungrounded. The guy was nice and as friendly as he always was. He didn’t treat him any differently. There was a little bit of tension at first, but once they started to goof around at the rehearsals, everything went back to normal and it was as if that ‘thing’ that went down on Friday night never happened.

The episode they worked on got wrapped up on Wednesday as planned. Jensen had dreaded this day. Tonight, Misha would fly home and wouldn’t be back for a month. And why did that upset him exactly? Because he just knew he was going to miss him, no use in denying that.

Yet, it would probably be good to spend some time apart. He should take that time to sort things out with Danneel. He still hadn’t figured out if he was going to tell her about that incident or not and how he was going to do it if he did.

At the end of the work day, Jensen found himself knocking on the door of the three banger Misha stayed at. He would be damned if he was going to let his coworker leave without saying goodbye. Not that he thought Misha was going to take off without saying something, Jensen just didn’t want to take a chance.

“Come in,” a muffled voice sounded from inside. Jensen opened the door and entered the small compartment. It was a lot more comfortable than he had expected and pretty cozy too. So, that’s what the inside of the three bangers looked like.

Misha was busy wiping the make up from his face. Their eyes met through the mirror with the same intensity as always. They held the stare for a few seconds before Jensen looked away and sat himself down on the couch.

“So, you’re leaving today, huh. What are you gonna do with your free time?” It was an honest question. He really wondered about that.

“I leave for Nepal next Monday. I go there once a year on a ten day retreat at a monastery.”

The answer surprised Jensen. The guy never ceased to amaze him. “You’re a Buddhist or something?”

Misha laughed. “I practice Buddhist meditation. It is good for the mind and the soul.” He got up. “You mind if I take a quick shower? You don’t have to leave. There’s beer and soda in the fridge, help yourself.”

“Yeah, sure,” Jensen said. He watched Misha collecting his clothes and disappearing in the bathroom. After a minute, he heard water running, the only audible sound in the small compartment. He swallowed. The image of Misha naked under the spray, water streaming over his body; running down his legs, his cock, firm and vertical, penetrated his mind. What would he do if he joined him? Would he let him? Would he… _for the love of Christ Jensen, get it together_ , he interrupted himself, stopping the thoughts from going any further. First of all, that shower was probably way too small to fit two grown ass men as themselves – _the shower in his own trailer however…, damn it, stop that!_ Second, he had Danneel to consider, he didn’t want to betray her, the dry humping in his drunken state was already bad enough, if not the worst. It could mean very well the end of their relationship. And third, when Castiel got killed off, Misha would be gone for good.

Jensen’s mind wandered off to that kiss they shared. Yes, he had been drunk and yes his brain had been clouded by a hazy fog, yet the memories of that kiss – two kisses really – were very lucid. He remembered them clear as day. The feel of those lips pressed against his own, the taste of his tongue, the scent of his aftershave and the smell of cinnamon and watermelon that was all Misha, would haunt him until the day he died.

Jensen was so lost in his thoughts, he didn’t hear the water was turned off and Misha came out of the bathroom dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. It was only when he sat himself down next to him, and his arm brushed against his, that Jensen came out of his reverie.

Misha was bent over, putting on his socks and shoes. Jensen had a good view of the back of the guy’s neck. A tiny drop of stray water fell from the short strands of his hair. Jensen had to fight the urge to lick it up; to put his mouth right there, at the flesh just underneath his hairline. He inhaled a sharp breath when Misha straightened and turned his head towards him. They were so close Jensen could feel his breath grazing his face.

Jensen’s eyes went wide. They flicked to Misha’s full lips, slightly parted; so inviting, so tempting; and back up again. A kiss was inevitable were it not for a knock on the door that brutally broke the magic moment. They startled apart, tumbling out of whatever that was.

Misha jumped up. “Yeah, come in.”

It was Jared who peeked his head inside. “Hey,… oh, hi Jensen.”

Jensen formed a smile and hoped his flushed face would go unnoticed. “I came to say goodbye,” he quickly explained his presence in Misha’s trailer.

“Yeah, me too.” Jared turned to Misha. “You sure you don’t have time to go out for drinks before you leave?”

“No, I’m sorry,” Misha laughed. “I have a flight in two hours and I still have to pick up my bags at the apartment.” He stepped aside to let Jensen pass, who made his way outside and then left the trailer after him.

The three men walked to the parking lot. At Misha’s car they said their goodbyes with firm handshakes and the promise to see each other again in four weeks.

Jensen couldn’t help a feeling of sadness washing over him when the car disappeared from view.

\-----

Jensen threw himself into his role as Dean with a dedication that raised many eyebrows. Not that he didn’t do a great job before – he did – but now he was almost overdoing it. It kept him from missing Misha. It surprised him. He never thought he could miss someone this much, it was crazy. He hardly knew him and yet…it was like he had known him his whole life.

On Friday evening, he declined hitting the bar. And wasn’t that a first. He told Jared to go ahead without him, he was going to have a quiet night at home, watch some television and just unwind. The real reason why he wanted to stay in, was because he was dying to call Misha. He needed to hear his voice.

Jensen was going over in his mind to come up with excuses to call his coworker. He didn’t find any other than that he missed him, but he couldn’t very well tell him that, could he? Eventually he gave up. Misha was his friend and friends didn’t need excuses to call each other, right?

It took him another hour to gather the courage to hit the call button. He slightly relaxed when he heard the guy’s voice and the pleasant surprise it was laced with.

They talked for a while about nothing important, carefully avoiding the subject of what happened last week. No need to go over that again.

On Saturday Misha surprised Jensen by calling him and on Sunday, Jensen called again. It would be the last time before Misha left for Nepal and wouldn’t be reachable for the next ten days. That phone call lasted a few hours. Jensen didn’t particularly look forward to not hearing from him for that long.

Jensen was pretty much on edge over the course of the next couple of days and the reason for this wasn’t just Misha. They got the rather devastating news Kim Manners was diagnosed with lung cancer, and the current episode would be the last one he directed. He promised to visit the set as often as he could and he made good on that promise.

Climbing up the walls was an understatement to describe Jensen’s state of mind the ten days Misha was unreachable. The time went by at a snail’s pace, and Jensen thought he was slowly going insane. The only thing that made his whole ordeal slightly better, was that Danneel would fly over for a visit during the weekend. It was something to look forward to _, or maybe not, shit_. He needed to tell her; he needed to be honest with her if he wanted their relationship to work. He could easily picture her as the mother of his children in the near future. She was his best chance to a happy life, something he could never have with Misha; because of the guy’s marital status among other things.

On Saturday, after Danneel arrived, Jensen took her out to dinner to the small but cozy Italian restaurant.

After some meaningless chit-chat about what they had been up to, Danneel casually asked: “So, how’s Misha? Isn’t he in Nepal at the moment? You heard from him yet?”

Jensen almost choked on the pasta he had ordered that resulted in a coughing fit. Tears formed in his eyes and if the heat in his face was anything to go by, he probably looked as red as an overripe tomato.

Danneel grabbed his hand over the table. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” Jensen took a sip from the red wine that went with their meal. “Sorry, that went down the wrong way.”

“Obviously.” Danneel gave him a smile and removed her hand.

“To answer your question, yes, Misha is in Nepal but he is staying at a monastery and is unreachable at the moment.” He frowned. “I can’t remember I told you that.”

Danneel eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Jensen, you couldn’t shut up about him whenever we talked on the phone. I feel like I already know the guy and I haven’t even met him.”

Jensen gasped. Was he that obvious? And Danneel didn’t find it strange he went on and on about him? He had to tone it down a bit, but he couldn’t help himself. He liked talking about Misha. “There are things about him I haven’t told you yet,” he said.

“Oh? Like what?”

“Like his wife wrote a book on threesomes.”

Danneel stopped eating for a second. Her fork with some pasta hovered in the air for a moment before it continued its way to her mouth. “That’s amazing,” she said when she had swallowed the food. “Do they practice it?”

“They used to. Misha told me it has been a while now.” He narrowed his eyes at her. “You really think that’s amazing?”

“Well, yeah.” Danneel waved with her wine glass. “Why? Does it bother you?”

“What? No! No, not at all.” Jensen chuckled. At least that part went well. He wasn’t there yet though. “I have no problem with it, but I would never do it myself.”

“I’m glad we are on the same page because I don’t see myself doing it either. Sure, I have my fantasies, but I don’t think I can handle another woman pawing you while I’m right there.”

“What about another man?” _Oh shit._ Why did he say that? Damn it. He unconsciously held his breath, carefully monitoring Danneel’s reaction and every minor change in her facial expression.

Danneel tilted her head. Her mouth twitched, then she smiled. “I think I’d be okay with that. Honestly, I get more aroused watching gay porn. Nothing gets me off more than a guy sucking another guy’s dick.”

Jensen regretted taking a sip from his wine because he choked yet again. He almost spit his drink over her. “We’ve been friends for years and you never told me that,” he said between two coughs.

“Oh come on, Jensen. I know for fact a whole lot of men get off watching two women have sex, and that includes you, then why is it so hard to believe women get off watching two men do the same?”

Jensen thought about it and had to admit she was right. Society was pretty hypocritical when it came to that. It was considered perfectly normal for guys to watch lesbian porn, but when a woman said she got off watching gay porn, it was unacceptable.

“Doesn’t mean I want another guy in our bed,” Danneel went on. “When it comes to sex, two is enough.”

They stopped talking when a waiter came to clean up their empty plates and they ordered dessert. When he moved away with the dirty dishes, Jensen asked: “What about polyamory?”

Danneel blinked. “Now where does that come from?”

“Misha has an open marriage.”

“Okay.” Danneel folded her napkin. “Jensen, what is this all about, really?”

“What? Nothing. I just want to know how you feel about it, is all.” Jensen averted his eyes. He couldn’t look straight at her, afraid she would read the truth that was probably written all over his face.

The waiter brought their dessert and Jensen was glad he had the Tiramisu in front of him to focus on.

“Oh my God,” he heard her softly saying as if something suddenly clicked. He looked up. Her eyes were wide, understanding dawning in them. “You have a crush on Misha, don’t you?”

Jensen opened his mouth to deny it, but that would be a blatant lie, and he had promised himself to be totally honest with her. It was no use anyway. Danneel had put all the pieces of the complicated puzzle that was his current life, together.

“What happened between you two?” Her voice was hard and so was the glint in her eyes. It scared him.

“Nothing.”

“Do I have ‘stupid’ written on my forehead, Jensen?” She was seconds away from yelling at him, he could hear it. He knew her well enough to be sure she wouldn’t make a scene, not in a public place. It was one of the reasons he had taken her out to tell her about it all.

“Dani, I promise, nothing really happened.”

“But something did, didn’t it, Jensen.” She pushed her half eaten dessert away. Her appetite was obviously over. “Tell me.” She folded her arms over her chest, waiting for him to answer while her eyes shot daggers at him.

Jensen took a deep breath. “Misha and I kissed. It was two weeks ago on a Friday night. I was wasted. He tried to stop me, I wouldn’t let him. I kinda dry humped him and came in my pants.” He looked at his hands. “It was a one-time thing and it didn’t happen again,” he whispered. “I’m sorry.”

“Are you?”

Jensen snapped his head back up. He clearly saw the hurt in her eyes. He was responsible for that and he hated himself for putting it there. “Yes, Dani, I am. I’m not a cheater, that is not the way I was raised.”

“And yet here we are.” She sighed. A lonely tear escaped from her eyes and ran over her cheek. “Are you gonna break up with me?”

“What?” Jensen was confused. Why would she think that? He reached over the table to take her hand, but she pulled them away. “No, of course not. Yes, Misha has an open marriage, but he is still a married man. There is no future for us. Besides, once his character is killed off, he will be gone for good.”

“Really, Jensen? Those are your arguments for not ending things with me? What if he wasn’t married? What if you had a future with him. Would you have still felt the same way?”

Jensen’s mouth fell open. Too late he realized that he had said all the wrong things. He never was very good at conversations like this. Instead of making her feel better, he had made her feel even worse.

“You know what, don’t answer that.” She threw her napkin on the table and stood up. “Ask for the bill, I wanna go home. And I will sleep in the guest room tonight.”

“Dani…”

“I need time to think about this Jensen and what it means,” Danneel interrupted him. She shrugged on her coat and went outside without waiting for him. This was a fucking disaster.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See y'all next Monday. Leave a comment, I live for comments, they keep me going.


	7. A thing called love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not entirely happy with this chapter but, one can only rewrite so many times, you know. I couldn't seem to get it right.
> 
> Anyway, here it is.

 

Misha enjoyed the peace and the quiet the monastery he stayed at provided. It was a nice distraction from the troubles and the sorrows of the outside world. Every time he left when his retreat was over, he felt like a newborn man with a positive attitude, ready to face whatever life threw at him.

This time around, he used the ten days he was here, to figure out what to do about Jensen. The guy was never far from his mind. His thoughts brought him back to the kisses they shared. He smiled. Jensen was one of those sweet, gentle kind of nibblers with a tenderness that had hit him right in the core of his soul.

Sitting on a cushion, eyes closed, back upright but relaxed and legs crossed, Misha envisioned wrapping up the memory in colorful paper and storing it safely away. Not too far; he had to be able to reach it whenever he wanted to. He wouldn’t let it wither and die.

Despite the fact they had talked about it and kind of came to the silent, unspoken agreement not to let it happen again, they almost kissed again. Misha was sure that, if it hadn’t been for Jared interrupting them, they would have shared another kiss. What was it that drew them together like this? He couldn’t call it love. It was way, way too early for that. It was more like an intense affection and the curiosity, the _need_ , to explore it further. He needed it like he needed air to breathe.

Misha’s eyes flew open at the revelation, pulling himself from the meditative state he’d been in. He just came to an understanding about what to do, but there were a hell of a lot of factors to take into consideration if he went there. Yet, he knew better than to question what was given to him. He had to trust it. Whatever this journey would bring him, it would be things he needed to grow, even if heartbreak was one of those things. There were lessons to be learned from this road he was about to take. There was no doubt in his mind it would be a bumpy ride, but at the end of this trip, when he had reached his destination, it would all be worth it.

***

Jensen found Danneel in the garden, sitting in a lounge chair at the edge of the pool, engrossed in a book.

It was a nice day by Vancouver standards; not too hot, not too cold but just about right to soak up some sun without being scorched.

Jensen strolled over to her, his hands in the pockets of his shorts. He sagged down at the edge of the lounge chair next to hers with a tight feeling of remorse behind his ribs. He had hurt her, but at least she knew everything now.

Danneel put her book down and looked at him through the oversized sunglasses on her nose. “I missed you at breakfast,” she said.

Jensen huffed out a soft laugh. “It was six this morning when I finally fell asleep.” He stared at his hands laying loosely in his lap. “You still angry?”

“I’m not angry, just…upset. Why didn’t you tell me you had fallen for your costar, Jensen?”

“I’m, uhm…it’s just a crush, Dani, an infatuation, a sexual attraction, a…a…pull.” Jensen shook his head. “It’s hard to explain, really.”

Danneel sighed. “Still, you should have told me.”

“And what good would that have done?”

“Really, Jensen? We were friends, very good friends before we became more. You used to confide in me, you used to tell me everything. Tell me, if we hadn’t been a couple, would you have told me?”

Jensen gasped. She was right. “Yeah, I probably would have,” he admitted reluctantly.

“See?” Danneel waved her hand. “Do you remember what I told you when we decided to start dating. That I was afraid it would ruin our friendship?”

“Yes, I remember.”

“Well then, this is exactly what I meant by that; exactly what I was so afraid of. We kissed, we fucked, we appeared in public announcing to the world we are together and suddenly everything changed.”

Jensen drew his brows together. “Isn’t that normal?”

Danneel took her sunglasses off. She narrowed her eyes at him. “Maybe, but I don’t want that. I still want to be the one you can tell everything to. It is not because we are an item now that I am a different person.”

Jensen opened his mouth to say something, but Danneel held up her hand to stop him. “I get it. Telling a friend you fell for someone is a whole different ballgame than telling your _girl_ friend that. So, in order for us to work, without any secrets, we should give that whole polyamory thing a try.”

Wait. What? Jensen was speechless for the better part of a second. Did she really suggest that right now or did his ears deceive him? Surely she was joking, right? He cleared his throat. “Did you just suggest we have an open relationship?”

“Yes. Why not? It seems to work for Misha, doesn’t it?”

“Yes, but,…but…”

“No ‘buts’ Jensen. It is either that or we break up because I will not stand for you fucking someone else behind my back.”

“I didn’t fuck Misha, Dani.”

“You dry humped him.”

“That’s not the same.”

“Isn’t it?”

“Okay, okay, okay.” Jensen jumped up and took a few steps to the edge of the pool. He looked over the water that gently rippled in the light summer breeze, and sighed deeply. He could feel Danneel’s penetrating gaze on his back. Again, she was right. It was not because he and Misha still had their clothes on it didn’t define as sex. If it really didn’t, he wouldn’t have felt so guilty afterwards. He turned back to her. “Who’s to say things will go further with me and Misha?”

Danneel shrugged. “No one. I’m just giving you the freedom to explore it. In return I ask you to give me that same freedom. This works both ways. Can you do that?”

Jensen shook his head. He didn’t know. Could he handle Danneel having sex with others? And suddenly all his insecurities surfaced again. “You still love me, Dani?”

Danneel stood up. She went over to him and wrapped her arms around his neck. “You know I do.” She stole a swift kiss from his mouth. “Look, if you can’t do it, then we won’t do it but then I will expect total monogamy. No more kissing or dry humping Misha.”

Jensen chuckled. “Yeah, okay. I’m willing to give this a try and see where it takes us.” He tilted his head. “What if it doesn’t work?”

“Then we’ll talk about it and cross that bridge when we get there.”

Jensen nodded in understanding. “Fair enough. One more thing though.”

“What?”

“I don’t wanna be one of those couples who goes to bars, seeking out other couples to change partners with.”

Danneel blinked and raised her eyebrows. A smile started to form on her lips. “No, we won’t do that.”

“Good.” He pulled her closer and captured her lips. She let him explore her mouth for a few seconds before she broke the kiss. “Someone’s horny.”

“Someone sure is. I haven’t seen you in weeks.”

“Well then, race you to the bedroom.” Danneel pulled away from him and gave him a big shove. Jensen lost his balance and fell in the pool. Cheerful laughter sounded through the back yard.

“Hey, that’s not fair,” he shouted after Danneel who was already running towards the house and disappeared inside, giggling loudly.

\-----

Jensen didn’t get much sleep the previous night, yet here he was, lying awake again. With his hands behind his neck, he stared at the ceiling through the semi darkness of his bedroom.

The faint light of the full moon seeping through a crack in the curtains, conjured shadows on the walls. Jensen watched them as they seemed to chase each other.

A few hours ago, he had driven Danneel to the airport. They had said their goodbyes at the gate, knowing it would be another few weeks before they saw each other again. It was so strange, but he didn’t really miss her. Fact was that he didn’t know what it was like to truly miss someone before Misha. Him, he missed so hard it almost physically hurt. What the hell _was_ this?

He and Danneel made love earlier and while it had been good and satisfying, there was always something missing. Deep inside of him, there was a part that she couldn’t fill; that no one ever had been able to fill until…yep, Misha, _again_. His intoxicating scent, his arms around him, his toned body firmly pressed against his own, his muscled thigh between his legs he rubbed his erection against until he came, the scorched kisses they shared, they had all filled that empty space in his soul to the brim. If that already had such an effect on him, he could only imagine what it would be like if they actually had ‘real’ sex.

Jensen groaned in frustration. _God fucking damn it_. He missed him. If he didn’t have so many responsibilities or if he didn’t have an ounce of common sense left, he could easily see himself hopping on a plane to Nepal, tracking him down to that monastery, slamming him against the wall and sucking his dick until he came screaming. It probably would be sacrilege – it was a monastery after all – but, who the hell cares, also considering he’d never given a blow job in his life. Great, and now he was getting hard again. He might as well indulge himself. Maybe it would relax him enough to get some fucking sleep.

***

Misha had to fight the urge to call Jensen as soon as he was part of the modern world again. His revelation might have told him to go for it, but it had also told him to move slowly, let Jensen come to him whenever he was ready and not when he was drunk.

At the airport, as he was waiting for his plane, Misha turned on his cell phone. He was pleasantly surprised he already found a text from Jensen waiting. He smiled. The temptation to send a text back was great. He didn’t do it though. He decided to wait until he was home.

24 hours later, he literally fell onto his couch in the living room. Vicky had just picked him up from the airport and was now looking at him with an amused smile. “Don’t you think it is better you go to bed? Your muscles will thank you later.”

“I know, I know,” Misha mumbled. “I have to call Jensen first.”

Vicky raised an eyebrow. Her smile turned into a mischievous grin. “Of course you do. You want me to heat up some soup in the meantime?”

“Yes, thanks, hon.”

“No problem.” She turned and went to the kitchen.

Misha reached in the pocket of his jeans and took out his BlackBerry. He blinked in an attempt to get rid of the mist forming before his eyes. He was so fucking tired he couldn’t even see straight. His brain also felt like it was going to go offline any second as he stared at the device in his hand with a frown, wondering what he was doing. Oh, that’s right, call Jensen. He searched in his contacts and hit the call button when he found him. Jensen almost immediately answered. “Hey, Misha.”

Oh wow, it was so frigging good to hear his voice. It was at that very moment he realized he had missed him more than he cared to admit. He smiled at the ceiling. “Hi, Jensen.”

“I’m glad you made it home safely. So, how was your trip?”

“It was…revealing.”

A chuckle came over the line and crawled into his ear. God he loved the sound of it.

“Okay,” Jensen said. “Whatever that means. I’m happy for you.”

“Yeah, it was great.”

“You sound tired, man.”

Misha threw an arm over his eyes. “That’s because I am tired. I haven’t slept in thirty six hours.” He suppressed a yawn. “I can hardly form a coherent sentence.”

“Well then get some sleep and call me when you are back in the land of the living.”

“Yeah.” Misha started to drift off. The sounds around him slowly faded away. Jensen’s voice was warm and soothing in his ear. He wanted to wrap himself in it like he would wrap himself in a blanket, comforting, safe. He found himself in that grey area that was located somewhere between waking and sleeping. His brain shut off and went on autopilot.

“I’m gonna hang up now. Get some rest, Mish. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Hmm, yeah. Love you. Bye.” He let his hand with the phone fall onto his chest. It took a few seconds before everything springed back online. His eyes flew open and he jolted upright like he was coming out of a nightmare. He didn’t…he did not just…oh my God! _Fuck._

Vicky came into the living room with two steaming bowls of hot soup on a tray. She put it on the coffee table and then looked at Misha with a frown. “What is it?”

Misha blinked. He was suddenly wide awake. “I think I just told Jensen I loved him.”

The first expression on his wife’s face was surprise. That soon turned to amusement and finally resulted in a full body laugh.

“It isn’t funny, Vicky,” Misha said, offended.

“I think it is.” She sat herself beside him on the couch, still giggling. “Tell me, do you love him?”

“No!”

“You sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure. There is an affection, an attraction, a _connection_ , but it isn’t love. I hardly know him, _Jesus_.” He buried his face in his hands. “I cannot believe I said that.”

“Hey.” Vicky laid a hand on his back and rubbed it a few times in a comforting manner. “It’s okay. You were tired, he knows that. He won’t think anything of it. That’s what you are afraid of, isn’t it?”

Misha rubbed his face and sighed. He looked at her. “Yes. I hope I didn’t just push him a mile away.”

“I don’t think you did. I’m sure he’ll understand. Now, eat your soup and stop stressing over it.”

Yeah, well, easy for her to say. He hoped to God and everything that was holy she was right. He had a great friendship going with Jensen and he didn’t want to lose that over something stupid he said while he wasn’t even fully coherent anymore. Besides, it wasn’t true. He did not love him, not in the romantic meaning of the word. As a friend, yes, maybe, and that was it. He loved him as a _friend_.

God his head hurt thinking it through. He was way too tired to deal with this shit. He needed some sleep and fast, and then call Jensen with an explanation the minute he woke up again. He was not going to lose him over this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all you wonderful people who are following this story as it unfolds. I don't know what I would do without you guys. Leave a comment :) They keep me motivated.


	8. An obvious chemistry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little part from Kim Manners' POV

 

Jensen stared at his phone the same way he would stare at an alien spaceship, like it wasn’t real. There was no way Misha just said what he heard… and yet he did. A wave of panic started to build up and threatened to wash over him like a force of nature, ready to pull him under and drown him. It was only when he began to rationalize everything in his head, that he calmed down again.

Misha was tired. He had heard it in his voice and the way he had slurred his words, like he was drunk. The guy probably didn’t know what he was saying half of the time. Hell, he probably wouldn’t even remember. It was better not to make such a big deal about it. Besides, friends could love each other, right? There were so many different types of love. Like the love a mother held for her child or like siblings loved each other; like friends loved each other. So, what Misha said, it didn’t have to mean anything and it most likely didn’t.

Even though Jensen had sorted it all out and convinced himself there was nothing to worry about, he was still living on the edge of his nerves for the rest of the time he had to wait for Misha to call back. He knew he wouldn’t be able to put his mind to rest fully until he heard from him.

When the call finally did come – and at that point Jensen was almost consumed with anxiety – Misha didn’t mention it and Jensen therefore didn’t ask about it. He was right, Misha didn’t remember. He wasn’t sure how he felt about that. Relieved, happy,… _sad_? It didn’t matter. At least he could breathe easier again, and everything went back to normal like nothing happened, and those two little words were never said.

***

They were in the middle of shooting episode six of season four, when Eric called Kim Manners, who was still often found on the set, to the viewing room during their lunch break.

“I got the edited footage of the first two episodes back and I need you to see something,” he explained.

“Okay.” Kim sat himself down in front of the monitor as Eric pulled up the entrance of Castiel. When the scene was over, Kim’s mouth had fallen wide open. The editing department had done one hell of a job with that one. This was the most epic and dramatic introduction of a new character in the history of the show.

“That’s just…wow.” He looked at Kripke’s beaming face.

“Right? Now I need you to see this,” Eric pulled up the last scene of episode two, “and tell me I’m not crazy.” He pushed the play button on the remote. He was acting like a kid in a candy store.

Kim carefully watched and knew exactly what Eric meant when the scene unfolded before his eyes. When it was over, he was lost for words for at least a few seconds.

“That is some chemistry they have,” he finally said.

“Thank you!” Eric almost jumped up and down. “I mean, they are not written like that so they are not even trying…

“…and yet it’s there,” Kim finished his sentence, nodding thoughtfully. He looked at Eric again. “It’s because it’s natural. They have this in real life too. I mean, have you seen them interact off camera?”

“Yes. Yes, I have. But I never expected it to bleed through like it does. I think it’s amazing.”

“It is.” Kim nodded.” I haven’t seen this since David and Gillian. They had this too. Of course, we could take some liberties with them because they were a man and a woman but this,” he waved at the monitor, “this is man on man interaction. You can’t exactly get them romantically involved. Now, I wouldn’t mind and I know you wouldn’t either, but I’m not sure how they’re gonna react to it, not to mention the audience.”

“Who says I’m gonna get them romantically involved? I’m not stupid, Kim,” Eric said, almost offended. “No, I’m gonna let that natural chemistry do its thing, and I’m gonna change the script of episode ten into keeping Castiel alive. If the viewers react to him in a positive way, I’m gonna contract him for the rest of the season.”

Kim sighed. “I hope you know what you’re doing.”

“Oh I know,” Eric said with a wink. “This is way too good to let go.”

***

Vicky pressured Misha into leaving for Vancouver a few days earlier. There was no need for him to stay home for she was planning on visiting a friend. Sometimes he wondered if his wife knew him better than he knew himself. She had sensed he missed Jensen and couldn’t wait to see him again.

Misha was torn between excitement and despair. He looked forward to being back around Jensen and to work closely with him but when the month was over, he had to leave, never to return. Despite his revelation at the monastery, he still hadn’t figured out how exactly that was going to work out. He had to let Jensen set the pace, but what if he didn’t make a move? Where would that leave him? Would Jensen contact him afterwards? With today’s technology at their disposal, it shouldn’t be that hard to stay in touch. There was no need to be strangers once his time on the set was over.

Misha’s intuition was working overtime the entire flight to Canada. Every instinct in him screamed to have a little faith. Everything was going to be just fine, he just didn’t know how.

Another question presented itself to him. How experienced with men was Jensen exactly? He had hidden – and still hid – his bisexuality very well from the public eye, which most likely also had something to do with where he grew up.

There was no doubt in Misha’s mind Jensen had his dick sucked in the past, but what about real intimate sex and not just hand jobs or blow jobs? It wouldn’t surprise him if he hadn’t. Somehow the thought of him being Jensen’s first turned Misha on; if it ever actually came to that.

And suddenly it hit him why he had to let Jensen make that first move, and why the guy had to be sober. If the drunken dry humping had already freaked him out, just imagine how he was going to react if he woke up naked between the sheets with another man next to him. He would probably go into full panic mode. Besides, Misha wasn’t going to take advantage of a wasted Jensen, no matter how much he wanted to take things to the next level.

\-----

Misha dropped his bags off at the apartment he rented – it was a different one from the previous one he stayed at – and then drove to the set.

A feeling of familiarity washed over him as soon as he drove through the gate and onto the parking lot. He smiled. God it was good to be back.

As he walked over the set, he was warmly welcomed by a lot of crew members. He suddenly realized Jensen wasn’t the only one he was going to miss when all of this was over; he was going to miss everything. The people here were like one big family and so different from the cast and the crew from some other television series he worked at. Not that he was ever treated badly – except for that one film he did last year, a horrible experience he was trying very hard to forget – just… less warm, less welcoming.

With his arms folded over his chest, Misha watched from the sidelines the shooting of a Sam and Dean scene. The guys were at it again, goofing around and constantly trying to make the other one break character. An amused smile formed on his lips, but he could see Philip Sgriccia, who directed the episode, was slowly losing his patience.

“Come on, guys, get it together. If you want to shoot well into the night, fine by me, but don’t come complaining about the lack of sleep tomorrow.”

“Sleep is overrated,” Jared deadpanned.

Jensen chuckled at that. He looked up and that is when he noticed him. His eyes widened in surprise for a second and then a grin from ear to ear lit up his entire face.

Misha smiled back and gave him a short nod.

“Okay, Jay, stop goofing around and let’s do this. I wanna go home sometime this evening,” Jensen said, determination clear in his voice.

Jared clearly knew when his friend was being serious because he cleaned up his act. After that the scene was shot fairly quick, much to Philip’s relief.

When the last ‘cut’ of the day sounded and the crew broke apart, Jensen made his way over to Misha. For a split second, Misha thought he was going to pull him into a hug. He was already on the verge of leaning in when Jensen apparently changed his mind and grabbed his hand in a firm handshake instead. He patted him on the shoulder. “Hey, glad you’re back.” The twinkle in his eyes told him he was telling the truth.

“It’s good to be back.”

Jared shook his hand as well. “Yeah, man, nice to see you again. Aren’t you a bit early? Not that I’m complaining.”

Misha chuckled. “My wife is visiting a friend and instead of being home alone, I decided to come here and hang out with you guys.”

“Glad we’re so highly appreciated,” Jared said with a laugh.

“So, ehm, Jared and I decided to go to catering to grab some dinner. It’s already late and neither of us is in the mood to cook. You wanna join us?”

“Sure. Anything good on the menu?”

Jensen shrugged. “I know there’s always chicken and rice.”

“I think there’s steak too today,” Jared added thoughtfully as they walked to the cafeteria.

While they ate, the boys asked him what he had been up to during his break. It made Misha frown. Jensen already knew that. Obviously he didn’t tell Jared about it. He wondered why that was. It wasn’t a secret.

Jared was fascinated when Misha told them all about his trip to Nepal. He got bombarded with about a million questions from the guy, and he saw Jensen was paying close attention to the answers he gave. What was he trying to figure out he didn’t already know?

“And of course I finally caught up on all the episodes of the show,” he tried to change the topic before, in his enthusiasm, he revealed more than he was willing to share. It worked. Jared’s eyes went big. “You binge watched three whole seasons in a couple of weeks?”

“Two, actually. I caught an episode once in a while and when I got the part of Castiel, I watched the first season.”

“I never asked you this, but how do you like the show?” Jensen cut in.

“I like it and not because I’m a part of it now.” He gave Jensen a smile. “I genuinely like it.” With his eyes he tried to tell Jensen, he was part of the reason why. Jensen seemed to understand. His cheeks colored an adorable shade of pink and he quickly turned his attention back to the chicken he had for dinner.

Jared, completely oblivious to what went down – either that or he acted like he didn’t notice – said: “You know, I was meaning to ask you. Jensen and I planned to have movie night on Friday. It’s something we do once a month or so. You wanna come?”

That question took him by surprise. Sure, they hung out a lot, but he never anticipated to be invited to Jared’s house. He looked at him over the brim of the soda glass in his hand and took a sip. He shifted his glance to Jensen who stared at him with an almost pleading glitter in his green eyes, as if he begged him to say yes. How could he resist?

“Yeah, sure.” He paused to take a bite from his chicken. “What does a movie night entail exactly?”

It was Jensen who answered. “We all decide on a movie or two, maybe three to watch, order pizza, drink beer or wine or whatever you prefer, and just relax.”

Misha laughed. “Sounds like a good time.”

“It is,” Jared said. “And don’t worry about getting home. I have a guest bedroom you can use. You can totally stay over and we can do it again on Saturday, make a movie weekend out of it.”

 _Oh._ Now, that was an interesting prospect. Sleeping in the same house as Jensen. Not that anything would happen, not with Jared there anyway, but the idea of being in a bed in a room that probably wouldn’t be very far from Jensen’s, was… appealing.

“I think I’m gonna take you up on that offer, Jared. Thanks for inviting me.”

Jared waved with his fork. “Not a problem man. It’s gonna be fun.”

“I’m sure it is.” Misha shot a meaningful look at Jensen who looked like he forgot how to breathe.

***

Jensen was happy Misha was back and it showed in the way he was behaving. He had missed him. Sure, they had talked on the phone often after Misha got home from his trip, but it wasn’t the same as him being physically there.

Yesterday, Jared had invited Misha to their once in a month – or so – movie night. His friend had talked it over with him first to see how he felt about it. As if that was even a question. Of course he was all for it. He had tried not to act too excited.

When Misha had said yes to the invitation, he almost screamed and when Jared also told him he could stay over and Misha took him up on that offer, it was like all the air got sucked out of his chest cavity by the coil of nerves that squeezed around it.

Even though Misha didn’t need to be on the set the next day, he was. It felt good to have him around. Episode six got wrapped up that day and they hit the bar in the evening.

The sexual tension between them reached new heights when Misha let his knee rest against his again under the table. Jensen was sure he did it on purpose, he could see it in the mischievous smile he gave him and the challenging look in those unbelievable blue eyes. Why was he teasing him? Was he testing the waters? He should know by now Jensen wouldn’t mind it one bit if he pressed his mouth to his and kissed his breath away. Or, maybe he was waiting for him to make the first move? Damn that man. He was giving him mixed signals and left Jensen clueless on how to proceed.

He didn’t think he could find the courage to take the first step. Not that he was afraid Misha would reject him, because it was blatantly obvious he wouldn’t, but because he didn’t know if he was ready to get horizontal with a guy.

There had been mutual hand jobs in the past, but only a few really, and as far as blow jobs were concerned, he always had been on the receiving end. He had never shared a bed with a man or been naked with one, and even though he had countless fantasies about fucking a guy or being fucked by one, he had never done that.

It all spiraled down to one thing: he was terrified. What if he wasn’t good enough for an experienced guy like Misha? What if Misha saw him as just a nice distraction, only to be tossed aside when he left in October? Jensen knew it would leave him devastated. And where the hell did that thought come from? This ‘thing’ between them couldn’t possibly be called love, that was ridiculous. And yet… If he was completely honest with himself, he had to admit he had fallen and he had fallen hard.

\-----

Castiel took a step forward and penetrated Dean’s personal bubble again.

_“Lucifer cannot rise. He does and hell rises with him. Is that something you are willing to risk?”_

Steel blue eyes stared at him with an intensity only the angel was able to conjure. Jensen could almost hear the electricity crackle between them. His tongue darted out unconsciously and wetted his lips.

Misha held his gaze fixed upon him. They kept staring at each other even when Jared said his lines as Sam. It was incredibly hard for Jensen to tear his eyes from that hypnotizing look Misha hit him with. Arousal spiked through his body.

Jensen managed to get through the scene in one piece – and without breaking character – before lunch.

“Cut. Great job guys,” Charles Beeson shouted.

The crew broke apart and a buzz of noises filled the set. A PA came running towards them. “Jared, your mother called. She asked me to tell you to call her back.”

Jared’s forehead creased. An agitated look appeared on his face. “Did she say why?”

“No, just that it was important.”

“Okay, thanks.” Jared took his phone and left the set to get better service.

Jensen and Misha shared a look before they darted after him to find out what was going on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, leave a comment :)


	9. When the Levee breaks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for the first bit of Cockles smut

 

The reason Jared’s mom called was to say his dad was admitted to the hospital. A bad case of pneumonia. He wasn’t in any danger; everything was under control, but still Jared wanted to fly home and be there for him.

He talked to Eric and Beeson and they both agreed he should go. There were other scenes, where he wasn’t needed, they could shoot in the afternoon. An episode wasn’t necessarily filmed in chronological order.

Misha and Jensen were both in Jared’s trailer while he gathered his things.

“I’m sorry I have to bail on you guys.”

“Hey, don’t mention it.” Jensen waved his arm. “You have to be with your family right now. We can always reschedule movie night.”

“What?” Jared looked up. His eyes darted between Misha and Jensen. “No, don’t cancel it. It’s not like I have to be there.”

“But…”

“No, seriously. You two have a good time.” He zipped his bag closed.

Jensen glanced at Misha who was leaning against the counter, with his arms folded and his feet crossed at the ankles. He raised an eyebrow at him. “I don’t mind cancelling,” he said in a flat voice. The expression on his face however, was challenging. He was defying him. _Well, okay then._

“No, Jared is right. Movie night it is.” He swore he saw a smile ghosting on Misha’s lips.

They both walked Jared to the parking lot where Clif was already waiting. They waved their coworker goodbye and then went to catering to grab some lunch.

\-----

It was close to six and Jensen was one tight ball of nerves. What the hell had he been thinking not to cancel the whole thing? He felt like he was standing on the edge of a cliff, ready to jump off without a safety net.

The butterflies in his stomach turned their flapping up a notch when he heard a car coming up the driveway. He took a deep breath to calm himself. A few seconds later, the doorbell rang.

Jensen forced a strained smile on his lips and opened the door.

“Hey man.” He hoped he didn’t look too terrified and stepped aside to let Misha in. The bag his friend was carrying told him he was planning to stay the night. Oh what was he getting himself into?

Misha smiled. “Hey.” He toed off his shoes and followed Jensen to the kitchen.

“You want some wine?” Jensen held up a bottle of Italian Merlot, vintage year 2007. “Or beer?”

“Wine is fine,” Misha said. He put his bag on the floor and shrugged off his jacket.

After ordering the pizzas of their choice, they took their wine glasses to the living room where they decided on the first ‘Lord of the Rings’ film. Jensen was surprised Misha hadn’t seen it yet.

Four hours, a bottle of Merlot and two whole pizzas later, the credits of ‘The Fellowship of the Ring’ rolled over the screen of Jared’s big flat screen T.V.

“That was actually a great movie, I enjoyed it,” Misha said, while helping Jensen clean up the remains of their meal.

“Ready for part two then?” Jensen rinsed off the plates and put them in the dishwasher. He closed it and took another bottle of Merlot from the wine rack.

Misha nodded. “I’m looking forward to the next part. I wanna know how the story ends.”

Jensen smiled. “I still can’t believe you never watched those movies.” He gave Misha the bottle. “Will you open this please?”

“Yeah, sure.”

While Misha uncorked the bottle, Jensen took some bowls out of the cupboard and filled them with snacks. The wine had made him slightly buzzed, but just enough to take away the nerves and to replace them with a pleasant hum that vibrated through his veins. He took it easy with the alcohol. There was no way he was going to get drunk tonight.

They took the snacks and the wine back to the living room and placed everything on the coffee table.

Jensen put in the second DVD. He resumed his place next to Misha on the couch and took the remote. He was about to hit the play button when Misha stopped him.

“Jensen, I think we need to talk first.”

***

The moment Misha had walked through the front door, he had sensed Jensen’s anxiety. He understood completely why. Without Jared there to act as a buffer, anything could happen.

Earlier today he had dared Jensen to cancel. Not because he hoped for something…more, but because he wanted to be with Jensen alone for once even if it was only to talk or to enjoy his company.

It would be a lie to say Misha wasn’t consumed by nerves himself. He just managed to hide it better. Between the two of them, he might be the more experienced one, but that didn’t mean he was as confident as he appeared to be. He was just as insecure as he was sure that gorgeous man sitting next to him was.

The wine they had during the first movie had relaxed them both. It was also a great way to find that ounce of courage they needed to really talk. Sure, they had shared a lot of conversations over the past few weeks, mostly over the phone, but they had always carefully danced around the subject of what it was that was going on between them. It was high time they cut to the topic.

Jensen hesitated a second. Then he put the remote on the table and turned towards him. He put one leg on the couch, bent at the knee while he let the foot of his other leg rest on the carpeted floor.

Misha mimicked the position Jensen was sitting in. He observed his face. It was open and inviting, encouraging him to go on.

“I ehm, still have to apologize for the thing I said on the phone when I got back from Nepal.” Misha looked down at his hands. He had thought long and hard about this, asking himself if he should bring it up or not. Jensen never asked about it and it didn’t seem to bother him; still he would feel better if he got it out of the way.

“Hey, man, that’s okay. You were tired. I get it.”

Misha chuckled. “I’m glad you don’t hold it against me.”

“Why would I? Friends love each other, right? Nothing wrong with that.” Jensen took his wine glass from the coffee table and took a sip.

Misha looked up. There was a smile on Jensen’s lips, but it barely reached his eyes. A hint of disappointment flashed in them. It was so fast Misha thought he had imagined it.

“I consider you a good friend, Jensen. I want you to know that. I hope we can maintain that friendship once I’m gone.”

Jensen’s whole face lit up. “I would like that. It’s a lot easier to continue a friendship with today’s technology than it was twenty years ago.”

“Yeah, it is.” Misha was glad they were on the same page about at least that.

“Oh, I almost forgot. I had that talk with Danneel we discussed, you remember?” Jensen said out of the blue.

Misha was thrown by the sudden change of topic. He searched his brain so fast it almost made him dizzy. “The whole polyamory thing?”

“Yes. And the threesomes.”

This was getting interesting. Interesting and dangerous with the two of them alone. “How does she feel about it?” He took a sip, carefully observing Jensen over the brim of his wine glass.

“We both agreed no on the threesomes, but we did decide to give the whole open relationship thing a chance.”

Misha almost choked. Yeah, this was getting very, _very_ dangerous but also incredibly exciting. “You think you can handle her having sex with other people?”

Jensen nodded. “I think so. Although I have to admit I would find it slightly easier if those other people were women instead of men.”

Misha didn’t see that one coming. “She’s bi?”

“Yes, she is. It’s part of the reason why we became such good friends. I finally found someone I could talk to, you know.” The tone in Jensen’s voice became sorrowful. “Someone who understood.”

“It must have been hard for you being bisexual and growing up in a conservative state like Texas.”

“You have no idea.” And then Misha got the whole story. About how Jensen had a lesbian aunt he was very close to and who got him through it; how, apart from that aunt, no one else in his family knew about it; his experiments with men during his soap opera days; his little crush on Jared and how that had made them even closer than they were at that time. When he was finished, a somber smile played on his lips. He huffed out a bleak laugh. “Did you put truth serum in this wine when I wasn’t looking or something?”

Misha shook his head with a frown. It slowly dawned on him Jensen was wearing a mask; has been his whole life. It must be exhausting to always pretend, to always hide one part of himself like it didn’t exist for the sake of keeping the peace with his parents.

“So, ehm, those ‘experiments’. You and Austin Peck?”

Jensen took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “You found those articles, huh.” It wasn’t a question.

“I did,” Misha responded honestly. He really wanted to know what that was all about.

“Yeah. I was young and stupid and free to be me for the first time in my life,” Jensen began to tell about some of his past indiscretions. “We couldn’t openly date, of course, but we weren’t very discreet either in public, hence the rumors which were very close to the truth. We were inseparable. Everyone on the set of ‘Days’ knew about us. We were never physically intimate though. It never came to that.” He cleared his throat. His voice had turned rough with emotions. “It was a crazy time. When the show let me go, I moved on and never looked back. Afterwards, I heard Austin was pretty heartbroken about that. I still feel bad about it. I never thought he cared that much about me. If I had only known, I would have stayed in touch, you know? I’m not that big of an asshole.”

Misha swallowed. He saw the hurt in Jensen’s eyes. He truly didn’t know about the feelings of his former costar and how deep they went. Misha squinted. “Did you love him?”

Jensen’s eyebrows shot up and made his forehead wrinkle. Then his features turned thoughtful. “I don’t think I did. Not really.” He moved to the edge of the couch and reached for the wine bottle. “Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t easy to leave it all behind, but I just wanted to close that chapter of my life,” he said while refilling his glass.

“Making a clean cut.” Misha nodded in understanding. Sometimes it was better to do it like that. It was less painful than to let things linger and… _oh God_. What did that mean for him? Would Jensen do it again despite what he had said about maintaining their friendship? He suddenly grew very wary. He had to stop this, right now, before he got hurt in ways he couldn’t even phatom. It wasn’t too late, not yet.

He forced his mouth into a smile and jumped up. “It’s late. I should go.” He took his wineglass to the kitchen and rinsed it off at the sink.

“What?” Jensen came after him. “I thought you were gonna stay over?”

Misha turned to him and saw there was a lot of confusion playing in those green eyes. “I, ehm, changed my mind.” He reached to take his jacket off the chair he hung it on earlier.

Jensen put his hand on his arm to stop him. “What is this all about, Mish? Is it something I said?”

Misha sighed. The fingers of Jensen’s hand burned on the bare flesh of his arm. He suppressed an excited shiver and avoided Jensen’s gaze. He couldn’t look him in the eyes.

“Misha, please. Tell me, what did I do?”

“You didn’t do anything wrong.” Misha shrugged his hand off, took his jacket and his bag and went to the front door where he left his shoes. He had to get out of here. Jensen left someone behind once without batting an eye. Sure, he had felt bad about it afterwards, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t do it again. It was best that, from this point on, he kept a safe distance. Screw his revelations. How reliable were they anyway? He didn’t need a broken heart.

“Dmitri Krushnic!” a hard, demanding voice boomed behind him. Misha froze on the spot. “Don’t you dare walk out that door before we’ve talked about this.” And, _o wow_ , he sounded just like Dean.

Slowly Misha turned to Jensen. Green eyes that had turned a shade darker bore into his own, searching for some answers. _Okay, fine._ “I don’t wanna be the next Austin Peck,” he snapped.

Jensen blinked. A line appeared between his brows. “What?”

“I think you heard me.”

“You really think I’m gonna cut you out of my life when you leave? Despite what I said about maintaining this friendship?”

“You did it before.”

“Yes, and I told you how bad I felt about that. I do learn from past mistakes, Misha. I would never, _never_ do that to you. Give me some credit man.”

They stared at each other for a few tense seconds. The electricity that shimmered between them reached unmeasurable heights.

“You know what? Screw this,” Jensen mumbled. He surged forward and slammed Misha against the wall. He cupped his face and put his mouth on his.

Misha was taken completely by surprise. He gasped and when Jensen’s tongue plunged inside and tangled with his, he knew he was done for.

***

Jensen moved his mouth to the side of Misha’s neck. The stubble that pricked underneath his sensitive lips fueled his desires. All the blood in his body seemed to be replaced by liquid fire, dashing through his veins.

The bitter taste of Misha’s aftershave when he sucked a mark behind his earlobe amped up his arousal. He breathed in the scent of cinnamon and watermelon that was all Misha.

“Jensen.” His name uttered in a rough voice made him stop. He backed away to look at Misha. His once blue eyes had turned darker, grey, like the sky just before a storm.

“I’m not drunk, Mish, not now. I want this; I want _you._ ”

“I know.” Misha put a hand behind his neck and pulled him in. He nibbled his lips. “But I think we should take this to the bedroom,” he whispered with his mouth against his.

“Yeah.” Jensen grabbed his hand and led him up the stairs to his room. Once the door closed behind them, it was Misha who slammed Jensen against the wall. He pinned his arms at the wrists above his head, and captured his lips in a scorching kiss. Tongues danced with each other, and mouths moved in perfect unison, until they had to break it to get some air.

Somewhere in the back of Jensen’s mind, the part that wasn’t yet overwhelmed by the chaos of emotions whirling inside his brain, a small voice told him Misha was claiming him.

Misha released his wrists. His hands wandered along his sides to the hem of his shirt. He grabbed it and moved it up. “Out.”

Jensen put his arms in the air and let Misha pull it off. The cold air of the air conditioned room created goosebumps on his overheated skin. A hot pair of lips were placed on the bare flesh and made their way down, leaving a fiery trail of thrilling kisses in their wake.

Jensen let his head fall against the wall and closed his eyes. He was beyond thinking, from the anticipation of what was about to happen. His sexual excitement reached its peak when his jeans were opened and Misha pushed them down. The pants pooled at his ankles. He quickly stepped out of them and kicked them aside.

Misha removed his socks before letting his hands slide up his legs, paying special attention to the inside of his thighs. A pair of fingers made their way behind the waistband of his boxers and then ever so slowly removed the garment.

A gasp sounded. “Oh.”

Jensen’s eyes flew open. He looked down at Misha sitting on his knees in front of him. Misha stared back with a sly smile on his lips.

A familiar heat rose to Jensen’s cheeks. “I, ehm, hope that doesn’t put you off.”

“No, of course not. I’m just surprised, that’s all. _Pleasantly_ surprised, but surprised none the less.” He wrapped his hand around Jensen’s dick and stroked it, catching the liquid pearling at the top and smeared it out. “And just so you know, I’m the same.”

Before Jensen could process that tidbit of information, his cock was enveloped by wet heat. He nearly lost it.

Jensen tangled his fingers in the strands of Misha’s hair and pulled. Strong hands kneaded his buttocks while the nails dug almost painfully in the tender flesh. Misha let him fuck his mouth and damn it if he wasn’t taking full advantage of that. He frantically bucked his hips and was surprised at how far Misha could take his throbbing cock. He had a few blow jobs in his life, but he was never deep throated like this. It was frigging awesome.

“Oh God, oh God, oh God yes, yes, Misha. Fuck!” The warmth of an imminent orgasm pooled in his belly. His vision whited out when he tipped over the edge and shot his load deep down Misha’s throat with the primal scream of the man’s name on his lips, that got lost in the otherwise stillness of the room.

Misha sucked him through his orgasm and milked him dry, cleaning him to the last bit of semen that pulsed out.

Jensen’s legs felt like they were made of rubber. With his back against the wall he sagged to the floor. Lips were pressed on his. He opened his mouth to welcome the tongue demanding access. The bitter taste of his own masculinity exploded on his taste buds.

It took him a few seconds to fully come down from his height. He opened his eyes and smiled at the man sitting beside him. “That was amazing,” he murmured. His senses came back online one by one and then it hit him. “Oh God. I’m so sorry.”

Misha’s features darkened. “Don’t. You. _Dare_ …”

“No! No, no, no,” Jensen cut him off with a wave of his arm. “I mean, I got off, again, and you didn’t. I feel kinda selfish here man.”

“Oh.” A beat of silence. “Actually, I eh, came in my pants.” Misha looked a bit sheepish.

Jensen blinked in surprise. “You came in your pants only from blowing me?” That was unbelievable, and so very hot. Could this man even be more perfect?

Misha shrugged. “What can I say, Jensen? Having your dick in my mouth and the taste of you got me off.” He got up with a groan. “But it’s getting sticky.”

Jensen’s eyes flicked to Misha’s crotch area and, sure enough, there was a dark spot visible. That alone made his dick perk up with interest. He was already half hard again. _Down, boy._

“Hey, Mish?” Jensen stood up as well. He picked up his boxers off the floor and put them on. He was about to ask something incredibly stupid, but he couldn’t help himself. He wanted to know what it would be like to wake up next to him.

“Yes, Jensen?”

“Stay with me tonight?” He gazed down at his bare feet. Why? Why did he do this? Had he lost his frigging mind?

An awkward tension rose as the question hung heavy in the air between them. The quiet in the room became uncomfortable as it stretched out.

“I don’t think it is such a good idea to…”

“Please?” Jensen interrupted him. _Damn it_. Misha was giving him an out here. The guy didn’t expect anything and instead of grabbing it, he begged him to stay? He shifted his gaze to Misha’s face.

Misha inhaled a deep breath and blew out slowly. “Are you sure?”

Jensen nodded vigorously. “Yeah, I am.” Was he? Was he really ready for this? He swallowed audibly.

“Then I’ll stay.” Misha pointed at the door. “I’m gonna get my bag.”

Jensen stared after him as he left the bedroom wondering if he just had gone completely insane.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See you next week with more smut :)


	10. The aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for some more Cockles smut. Enjoy :)

 

Jensen woke up at the early light of dawn painting the late Canadian summer sky in shades of purple and pink as the sun slowly rose in the East. It was a beautiful view he had from his bedroom window. He was glad he didn’t close the curtains last night, so he could enjoy the peace it radiated while birds were singing to celebrate the break of a new day.

There was a warm chest pressed against his back. An arm was curled heavy around his waist, tugging him close, almost possessively.

It was the first time in his life he slept with a guy and woke up next to him. He searched his feelings and was surprised he didn’t have a major freak out. Somehow, this felt right, like this is where he belonged.

The sexual tension that had been present within them from the moment they met, had come to an inevitable explosion last night. It was bound to happen no matter how hard they tried to resist it. There was no way they could have kept this inside, it was too strong.

Jensen turned around to face Misha. He was gorgeous. He reached out and brushed a strand of hair from his forehead. The gentle act woke him up. Blue eyes still clouded with sleep met his.

“Hi,” Jensen said. He surged forward and pressed his lips to Misha’s in a quick kiss.

“Hey.” And how the hell was it even fair to sound that sexy this early in the morning?

Jensen’s hand crawled under the covers and boldly cupped Misha’s dick through the fabric of his boxers. The guy was sporting some serious morning wood.

“Hmmm, Jen, what are you doing?”

“Reciprocating.” He made quick work of removing both his and Misha’s boxer briefs. He lined up next to him and took both their erect cocks in his hand.

Misha moaned. “Oh God.” His eyes fluttered closed as Jensen pleasured both of them with slow, lazy strokes. He might not be very experienced but he did master the techniques of frottage to a T, and he was damn proud of it too.

Sloppy kisses were traded as they chased their orgasms. Misha bucked his hips, fucking Jensen’s hand. A sheen of sweat formed on their bodies while moans of ecstasy filled the room.

Jensen could hardly keep his eyes open, but he wanted to watch Misha’s face and the expression of pure elation he was responsible for. With every stroke upward he brushed his thumb over the tip of their cocks.

“Jennnn. Oh fuck, fuck yes.” Misha’s fingernails dug in the flesh of the shoulder he hung onto.

“Yeah, that’s it, come for me Mish. I’m…fuck…right behind you.” He was so close but he wanted Misha to tip over the edge first.

A long moan, Jensen’s name hidden somewhere in there, spilled from Misha’s lips as he came. Warm release flooded over Jensen’s hand and he jumped right after Misha into the abyss of euphoria, screaming the man’s name.

They took their time floating down, not caring about the stickiness between them, enjoying the afterglow of their joint bliss, while exchanging a long, passionate post orgasmic kiss.

\----

They showered and changed the sheets. Jensen opened the window to air out the room that smelled like sex and sweating bodies.

Misha looked at him funny when he came out of the bathroom wearing a pair of glasses.

“I didn’t know you wore those,” he said, surprised.

Jensen shrugged shyly. “I usually wear contacts. Aside from Jared and Danneel and my family of course, no one really knows.”

Misha gave him a lopsided smile. “I think you look sexy in them.”

“You do?”

“Oh yes, I do.” Misha stepped towards him and wrapped his arms around his waist. He tugged him close and sealed their lips together as if he wanted to confirm his words with actions.

After a hearty breakfast consisting of crispy bacon and scrambled eggs on toast, they decided to spend the day together, watching movies, being lazy and engaging in some heavy make out sessions. A dam had burst yesterday. There was no holding them back now that they had succumbed to the sexual tension. They were constantly all over each other.

They had sandwiches for lunch and ordered Chinese for dinner. It was a small miracle they managed to get through the two ‘Lord of the Rings’ sequels. By the time they rolled into bed, they were exhausted and Misha had run out of clean boxers from all the dry humping on the couch. Jensen offered to let him borrow a pair of his.

“I’m so glad you stayed,” Jensen said, stealing a swift kiss from Misha’s lips. He couldn’t get enough of the guy. They were lying in bed, facing each other, breathing in the same air.

“I’m glad I stayed,” Misha answered when Jensen released his mouth.

“So, ehm. How do we define this?”

Misha sighed. “Do we have to put a label on this? Can’t we just…be?”

“I guess we could.”

“I’d like to think we’re professionals, Jensen. Nothing has to change. We’re just two friends who occasionally share a bed and just have a good time. No strings attached, no commitment, no promises.”

Jensen took in a sharp breath. Something ugly reared his head. Was that all he was to Misha? A friend he had sex with? Of course he was, he had to be realistic here. They couldn’t possibly be more. Besides, it was for the best, wasn’t it? No need to throw emotions into the equation here, that would only lead to a shit ton of trouble and make things unnecessarily complicated.

Okay, so, sex it was then. He forced a smile on his mouth. “I want you to teach me everything, starting with how to give a proper blow job.”

“There really is nothing to it Jen. You just go with your instincts.”

“Yeah, but, I want you to teach me how to take your cock into my throat as far down as you can push it and then fuck me until you come.”

Misha blinked. His eyebrows shot up, almost hitting his hairline. “You want me to teach you how to deep throat?”

“Yes.”

“Jensen.” Misha pinched the bridge of his nose. “Have you ever given a simple blow job before?”

Jensen felt his face heat up. “No.”

“Then why don’t we start with that. You are trying to fly without even knowing how to properly walk here.”

Misha was right and Jensen knew it, but dear God, just the thought of Misha fucking his mouth made him achingly hard. His cock tried to escape the confinement of his boxers. He captured Misha’s lips again and forced them apart in a heated kiss.

Jensen kicked off the covers. He moved his mouth from Misha’s lips to his body and let it trail all the way down, savoring the taste and the scent of his skin, until he reached his boxers.

“Jensen?”

“Shut up and let me suck you off.” He tugged at the boxer briefs Misha had borrowed from him – and didn’t that just turn him on even more.

Misha lifted his hips to help Jensen remove the piece of fabric. He shoved it down his legs and threw it on the floor. He licked his lips while watching the beautiful slightly curved cock laying heavy on Misha’s belly. He reached between Misha’s legs and cradled his balls; kneading, squeezing.

Jensen wrapped his hand around Misha’s hard dick, bent over and licked the tip, lapping up the salty evidence of his arousal. A loud, appreciative moan bounced off the walls. It gave Jensen the courage he needed to go on. He took the head in his mouth and sucked down.  He did what Misha told him and went with his instincts. He had his cock sucked enough times to kind of know what to do. The way Misha arched his back and the beautiful sounds he made told him he did something right.

With the dedication of an overeager student, Jensen gave his first real blow job. He loved how he made Misha squirm with pleasure until he was reduced to a needy mess who begged for release.

Jensen moved to get some friction of his own. His fully erect cock started to hurt.

“Jen, I’m…oh fuck…I’m gonna…ohhh.”

Jensen knew it was a warning. He hummed like he was giving him permission to shoot into his mouth.

“Jennnnnnn.”

Warm liquid exploded on his tongue. Jensen swallowed. He took it all and it didn’t even taste all that bad. He guided Misha through his ecstasy while his own orgasm hit him completely by surprise.

Only the other night he had been surprised Misha had come by deep throating him. Now he knew exactly why that was possible. It was exhilarating to be able to take someone apart; to have so much power over another person.

Jensen pulled off and let his head rest on Misha’s belly. Fingers carded through his hair, loving, soothing. He could easily fall asleep like this.

“Are you sure you never did that before?”

Jensen formed a smile. He pressed a sweet kiss on Misha’s belly. “Yeah. Does this mean it was all right?”

“It was more than all right, Jenn. It was wonderful.”

“Mmm, I’m glad.” He drifted off. It was so nice to revel in the afterglow of an orgasm, that he didn’t even care about the stickiness in his boxers.

***

Sunday went by pretty much the same way Saturday went. Misha was almost sad he had to leave tonight. He could easily get used to this domestic bliss with Jensen.

All the countless fantasies Misha had during jerking off on lonely nights in an empty bed, had become reality. Okay, maybe not _all_ of them, but damn it, the things they had done so far, were nothing short of mind-blowing. And they were only scratching the surface.

Jensen had asked to learn and Misha was more than happy to teach.

There were still some things they had to work through, like the plans they had to make for when he left in early October. The most logical thing to do, was to visit Jensen every weekend or every other weekend. He didn’t want to think about it though, not yet, not now. Now he just wanted to enjoy having Jensen underneath him on the couch while slowly dragging his clothed cock over his while admiring the sun kissed spots on his body.

Jensen snapped his hips up to meet his every thrust downwards. His lips were slightly parted and his pupils dilated with desire. Misha took in every beautiful expression gliding over his flushed face. He could see the start of an orgasm building up in his eyes. They were so caught up in each other they didn’t hear someone entering the house.

Misha froze when a throat was loudly cleared. _Fuck._ Startled, he stared into Jensen’s eyes. They stared back in horror.

Jensen tried to scramble up and made Misha lose his balance. It resulted in them both falling off the couch.

“Okay, guys. I’m gonna take my bags to my room and bleach my brain. You both better be decent when I come back downstairs,” Jared said. Misha swore he sounded amused.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Jensen mumbled while frantically gathering his clothes that were scattered all over the living room floor.

Misha felt a chuckle bubbling up inside. They were so busted. It would be funny if Jensen didn’t look so spooked. All the color was drained from his face and made his freckles stand out prominently.

“Damn it. I didn’t expect him ‘till later tonight,” Jensen almost whined.

“Calm down, Jen. Jared is a big boy. He’ll get over it.”

Jensen narrowed his eyes at him. “That’s not what I meant. He doesn’t know anything about the whole polyamory thing we have going on.”

“Well, then, time to fill him in.”

“Fill him in on what?” a voice behind them asked. They both whirled around and were met with a grinning Jared. He looked from Jensen to Misha and back. “But, guys, seriously, on my couch? While there are perfectly good rooms available upstairs?”

Jensen gasped and Misha admitted he was pretty surprised by that statement as well. Jared just walked in on his two friends dry humping and all he was worried about was that they did it on the couch?

“You…you…” Jensen started but couldn’t seem to finish what he was about to say.

“You trying to ask if I knew?” Jared rolled his eyes. “I suspected it. I mean, come on, I’m not blind. You really think I didn’t notice all those smoldering looks and lingering touches? Even off camera?”

“And you’re not…you’re not grossed out or anything?” Jensen wanted to know. He glanced at Misha for a second and then turned his attention back to his housemate.

Jared shrugged. “Why would I? It was about fucking time you guys did something about it. It’s a small miracle you didn’t cause any power failures yet.”

Misha couldn’t hold it any longer. He burst out laughing.

Jensen shot him a bitchface that spoke volumes.

“The only thing I would like to know is, how about Danneel?” Jared said, ignoring Misha’s giggling fit. He looked at him. “Or your wife for that matter.”

Misha, still grinning like an idiot on an endorphin high, shared a meaningful glance with Jensen.

“Sit down.” Jensen’s sigh betrayed defeat. “We need to explain something.”

 -----

In the next hour – or two – they told Jared all about Misha’s open marriage and the agreement Jensen had reached with Danneel. They made sure to cover all the basics. When they stopped talking, Jared forked his fingers through his hair. “Wow.”

“Pretty much,” Jensen deadpanned. “And I would appreciate it if you kept your mouth shut.”

“Hey.” Jared held up his hands in a placating manner. “My lips are sealed.” With thumb and index finger he made a gesture against his mouth like he was turning a key. “But you need to know half the crew already sensed something is going on and they didn’t get it from me. You guys aren’t exactly subtle.”

Misha slammed his eyes shut. Were they that obvious? They had to turn it down. But how were they going to do that? That ‘thing’ between him and Jensen was just…there. They couldn’t turn it off like it was a light switch, not even if they wanted to.

“People will always talk,” Jensen said, very accepting of the fact that there would be rumors. “Just, don’t add fuel to the fire.”

“Don’t worry. I have both your backs.”

“Thanks, Jared.” Misha smiled and tried to change the topic. “So, how’s your dad?”

It worked.  Jared’s face lit up. “Well on his way to a full recovery. He did give my mom quite a scare though.” And with that, Jared told them all about his unexpected visit to his family, mercifully dropping the subject of Misha and Jensen.

\-----

Misha didn’t even turn on the lights in the living room when he entered his apartment. He took a quick shower and went to bed even if it was only a few minutes after ten.

Sleep didn’t come easy. As enjoyable as his time with Jensen had been and as much as he had wanted this, he now wondered what the hell they were doing. Was this whole thing even a good idea?

He didn’t want to label what they had, although friends with benefits came close to defining it. On Friday night he had almost left when he learned what Jensen had done to his former coworker. He didn’t want to be abandoned like that, or, at least, that’s what he thought. He wasn’t so sure anymore. Maybe they should call it quits when Castiel’s time on the show was up. If they started to see each other after that, if would come very close to being in a relationship and that was not what he wanted. They couldn’t exist in the real world, it was just not possible.

***

The days on set were so busy with shooting and reshooting scenes, trying hard to keep the schedule, Jensen and Misha didn’t manage to get some time alone together for a while. Even during lunch they were often needed. It bothered Jensen, but Misha didn’t seem to mind. He was acting like their glorious weekend together never happened.

It was hard for Jensen to figure out what made Misha tick. He had told Jensen they were both professionals and nothing had to change, but, something did. The guy was keeping his distance. He was slowly moving away from him. He didn’t even try to steal a moment with him, while Jensen went out of his way to make it happen.

On Wednesday, Jensen’s countless efforts paid off when he found himself on his knees in Misha’s small compartment of the three banger, with the guy’s cock in his mouth. He desperately sucked him off like his life depended on it, while jerking himself to an orgasm. They came almost simultaneously, trying their best to stay quiet, which was a whole different kind of hot.

Afterwards, he cleaned himself up in the tiny bathroom and open mouthed kissed Misha one more time before he quietly left. It happened again the next day and once more during a stolen moment on Friday. They didn’t talk about it. They didn’t have to and that was okay.

Jensen now knew Misha was right. They didn’t have to put a name to this, whatever this was. It was fine, they were fine. Misha still wanted him and that was all that mattered, really.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See you next Monday with, yes, again more Cockles smut


	11. 'Lazarus Rising'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Misha meets Danneel.

 

Misha was getting ready to hit the bar that Friday night while going over the previous week in his mind. He had tried hard to keep his distance from Jensen for one reason and one reason only: he had decided that, when Castiel left, he would leave with him. It would hurt like a bitch, he had no illusions about that. His heart already ached at the prospect, but he honestly thought it was for the best.

Jensen however, didn’t make it exactly easy on him. He had ambushed him in his trailer, giving him a blow job like a goddamn professional. It was in that moment Misha had realized without a doubt, he was in over his head. Leaving wouldn’t just hurt, it would be fucking heartbreaking.

He shrugged on his jacket, snatched his keys from the hook and darted down the stairs of the apartment building.

In his car on his way to the bar, he pondered some more. Maybe he should reconsider his decision, and just try to make a long distance thing work even if it was only on a friendship level, and for now, just enjoy what they had while it lasted.

The corners of his mouth moved up in a small smile. They did have a good thing going, didn’t they? Why destroy it?

Misha turned into the parking lot of the bar without even knowing how the hell he got there. It was like he had been driving on autopilot while his mind was somewhere else. He should be more careful next time he hit the road and pay attention to the traffic instead of daydreaming about Jensen fucking Ackles, the man he had become dangerously addicted to.

Inside the bar, he scanned the room through the crowd of bodies and found him sitting in the back engaged in a conversation with someone that wasn’t Jared. He frowned. Who was that? It was a woman, that much he could see from where he was standing.

Jensen caught his eye and Misha did not imagine the guy’s face brightened the same way a day would light up when the sun emerged from behind a bunch of thick, grey clouds. He waved him over.

Hesitantly, Misha walked towards them, curious who this person with Jensen was. When he saw her face, he knew. It was Danneel.

“Hi, nice to finally meet you,” Danneel greeted him with a smile, shaking his hand when Jensen introduced them to each other.

“Nice to meet you too,” Misha said with a smile of his own. He pulled out a chair and sat himself down. He instantly felt Danneel’s studying gaze upon him.

“So, you are Jensen’s mysterious new costar,” Danneel said with a squint of her eyes. “Based on Jensen’s intimate descriptions of you, I feel like I already know you very well.”

Misha’s mouth fell open and Jensen almost choked. It didn’t keep Danneel from going on. If anything, she turned it up a notch. “Jensen really appreciates having you on the show.” She took a casual sip from her bottle of beer.

Misha took an instant liking to Danneel. Not only did she not think she was too good or too sophisticated to drink straight from the bottle, he liked her game of let’s tease Jensen a little. He turned to Jensen with raised eyebrows. “Really? How much _do_ you talk about me, Jensen?”

Danneel smirked, a devilish glint shining in her eyes. “A lot. He can’t seem to shut up about you every time we talk. There’s always something new he’s dying to share.”

Misha noticed Jensen turned more crimson with every word she spoke. Where did Jensen find this amazing woman?

“Wow, Jensen. What is it about me that’s so interesting?” Bless Danneel for assisting him by following it with: “Yeah, babe, why are you sooooo into Misha lately?”

Jensen got more and more red faced. He finally stood up, mumbling “I’m gonna get us some more beer,” and stormed off, pissed, calling them both assholes. With that, Danneel and Misha’s friendship was forever fortified.

\-----

Vicky flew in on Sunday evening and ‘It’s the great pumpkin, Sam Winchester’ got wrapped up on Monday. Misha brought his wife to the bar where they had some drinks as usual and it was there where she met Danneel. The two women hit it off right from the start. Misha felt the four of them could become real good friends, and if the women could maintain a friendship, there was hope for him and Jensen yet. With their help, they might make long distance work even if they weren’t official and never would be. It was all about sex – great sex – and nothing more, they were good at that.

***

Since ‘Wishful Thinking’ was a Casless episode, Jensen and Misha didn’t see each other for over a week after they parted ways that Monday evening.

While Jensen was shooting, Misha and his wife explored Vancouver. As always, Jensen missed him. There were some texts back and forth and the occasional phone call, but that was all.

Jared sensed Jensen’s depressed mood and tried to cheer him up like the big goofball that he was. There was a reason Jared was his best friend.

“Seriously, Jensen, if you are this miserable now, just imagine what it’s gonna be like when  Misha has to leave,” Jared carefully addressed the subject when they broke for dinner on the fifth day of shooting episode eight. “You guys talked about it yet?”

Jensen stabbed the pasta on his plate. “We agreed to stay friends when this is all over for him, but that’s just about it.”

“In other words, you _haven’t_ really talked about it yet.”

“If you mean whether we made arrangements for when he’s gone, then, no, we haven’t. And what do you mean I’m miserable? I’m not.” He looked away, concentrating on the food in front of him. Who was he trying to kid here? Himself most likely. Not Jared, that’s for sure.

“Really? You are pining man.”

Jensen jerked his head up. “I am _not_ pining.”

“If you think that you need to look up the word in the dictionary. I’m sure there’s a picture of you the way you look right now next to the definition.”

Jensen rolled his eyes with a sigh. “I’m kinda disappointed,” he finally admitted. “I had hoped to see him at the bar last Friday but, as you know yourself, he didn’t show up.”

“Yeah.” Jared nodded. “I wondered about that too because I honestly had expected him to be there.”

“Yeah, well, it seemed he was back in L.A. He texted me that Saturday,” Jensen explained Misha’s absence. With his fork he shoved the pasta over the plate. He’d been pretty pissed when he got that text. Not because Misha had left Vancouver, but because he didn’t have the decency to tell him that before he hopped on that plane and left him with the hope he would see him at the bar.

“Does it bother you?”

“What? That he flew back to L.A.? No, of course not. I’m not his boyfriend, Jay. I have no claim on him. He can do whatever he wants.” He took his plate and stood up. He had hardly eaten anything.

Jensen figured it was time to put up some protective walls. He knew getting involved with coworkers was never a good idea. Those things always tend to end up in a mess and it looked like there it was exactly where he was heading. Had he not learned anything?

He didn’t text Misha back and pretended he didn’t care Misha stayed radio silent as well, but it did. It hurt.

All his pent up anger and sadness magically left his body when Misha finally called him on Tuesday. Jensen didn’t ask why he didn’t call earlier and Misha didn’t want to know why Jensen didn’t text him back. They didn’t owe each other any explanations.

\-----

Jensen was surprised he found Misha in his trailer on Thursday after filming. They just wrapped up episode eight. He looked at him like he was some sort of hallucination, then took a few long strides forward, cupped Misha’s face and kissed him desperately.

Without another word he pushed him backwards to his bedroom and they fell onto the bed, their lips barely leaving each other, while almost ripping their clothes off.

After they were both fully sated and satisfied with some amazing blow jobs, they laid side by side, trading lazy kisses and just enjoying each other’s presence.

“Do you think Jared would mind if we don’t hit the bar tomorrow but stay at my apartment to watch a movie or something?” Misha asked. With his index finger he traced an invisible line over Jensen’s jaw.

“You want me to come over?”

“Well, yeah.” A shy smile played at the corners of Misha’s mouth.

“Jared knows we’re together. I don’t think he’ll mind,” Jensen whispered and surged forward to capture Misha’s lips again.

And that is how they spent another weekend together, this time at Misha’s place. They both realized they were sliding deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole. With enormous speed they were heading towards the point of no return, but they didn’t care. It was like they both came to the silent agreement to cross that bridge when they got there. Besides, Jensen thought, as long as they weren’t intimate, they were safe from total devastation when their time was up, right?

***

Jensen left late Sunday evening. Misha felt…bereft when he walked out the door. He was getting way too attached just like he was afraid he would be.

The filming of ‘I know what you did last summer’ started on Monday. They were introduced to Julie McNiven, the actress who would play Anna Milton, a female angel who would be the one to perch on Dean’s shoulder once Castiel was gone. Or, at least, that was the overall plan with this character. He didn’t know the exact details. He couldn’t help feeling slightly jealous, especially when he learned she would also be Dean’s love interest.

Misha admitted that having Dean falling in love with an angel was a great plot story wise, because the union of an angel with a human was forbidden. In order to do go there, they needed a woman, of course. The world wasn’t ready to have one of the main male characters of a successful show getting romantically involved with another male. It was not the network’s fault, nor the writer’s or the producer’s, it was just how the world worked.

The days on set were long but fun. Misha and Jensen managed to steal a few moments but it was business as usual for the rest.

Finally, Thursday September 18 rolled along. There was a viewing room set up with a big screen where they could all watch the first episode to celebrate the kick off of the new season.

Misha was pretty nervous, and that was an understatement. He had no idea what to expect or how his character would be received by the audience. He tried to get his breathing under control as he sat next to Jensen, waiting for the episode to air.

“Hey, it’s gonna be okay,” Jensen said with a smile. He put his hand on Misha’s thigh and let it rest there a few seconds. Misha’s whole leg started to tingle under the touch.

The episode turned out great and when the crucial part came, the part where Castiel walked into the barn, a collective gasp of admiration rippled through the audience. Everything became dead silent after that. A strange kind of tension started to build up and come off the screen. Some of their sexual tension bled through. _Fuck._

Misha ventured to cast a sideways glance at Jensen to see how he thought about it. The guy’s eyes were glued to the screen. His lips parted as his tongue darted out and licked them, leaving them glistening in the semi darkness.

Misha swallowed and turned his attention back to the screen. Damn it. The camera obviously caught that ‘thing’ or whatever it was between them. The viewers were going to hate him for this.

Sera Gamble who sat at his other side leaned over and whispered "Your life's about to change." She nodded with raised eyebrows to emphasize her words.

Misha didn't know how to respond to that and decided on giving her a hesitant smile.

When it was all over and the credits rolled, a split second of silence lingered, then the room exploded in a round of applause and cheers.

“Guys, that was awesome,” Jared said enthusiastically. “I knew they wanted the introduction of Castiel to be epic, but this… I mean, wow.” He clapped Misha on the back. “Great job, man.”

“Thank you,” Misha said with a smile. He reached into his pocket and took out the BlackBerry to silence the endless series of pings the thing made. He scrolled through the numerous text messages from friends who congratulated him. Some even called it his best job yet.

While reading through all of them, Vicky called. He looked up at Jensen and Jared. “Sorry, I have to take this.” He answered the call as he made his way out to escape the noise of the celebrating crowd.

“Mish, that was great!” his wife’s cheerful voice came over the phone.

“So I’ve been told.” Misha chuckled. “But I value your opinion the most.”

Vicky giggled. “Well, I may be a bit biased, of course.”

“You always are.”

“No, seriously, you were awesome.”

“Thank you.” Misha had somehow made his way to the trailers. He opened the door to the three banger he stayed at while on the set and stepped inside. “I hope the viewers liked it as well.”

“Are you kidding?”

Misha turned on the light and plopped on the couch. “What do you mean?”

“Mish, I’m on social media, they love you.”

That surprised him. He was almost sure people would hate his character. “They do?”

“Yes, they do. Why is that so hard to believe?” He could almost _hear_ the frown that was undoubtedly on Vicky’s face.

Misha rubbed his forehead. “Hard to explain, really.”

“You’re not talking about Castiel as much as you’re talking about the chemistry between your character and Dean, are you.”

 _Fuck._ “So, you picked up on that, huh?” He had hoped he had imagined it.

“Hard not to. For a minute I thought my T.V. would explode.”

“Damn it.” Misha sighed deeply. “That was not supposed to happen and yes, that has me a bit worried about the fans’ reactions.”

“Well, you can stop worrying. From what I can read, people loved it.”

A knock sounded on the door followed by a familiar voice asking: “Misha, are you in there?”

“Yeah, I’m here, come on in,” Misha shouted. He turned his attention back to the phone. “I have to go. People are probably wondering where I ran off to.”

The call ended as Jensen entered the trailer. “Here you are.”

“What? They missed me already?”

“I don’t know about them, but I did,” Jensen joked with a fond glint in his eyes. It was there often lately. Misha didn’t know if the guy was even aware of it. It made his heart skip a few beats every time he saw it.

Misha put his hands on his thighs and pushed himself up from the couch. “We should go back then.”

“Yeah, we should, but first, I wanna do this.” Jensen wrapped his arms around Misha’s waist, pulled him close and pressed his mouth onto his lips.

The sweet and gentle nibbling soon turned into a heated kiss with tongues frantically dancing with each other.

“Jen, we can’t, we don’t have time,” Misha panted when they broke the kiss to get some air.

“Yes, we do.” Jensen quickly unbuckled Misha’s belt, opened his jeans and pushed it, together with his boxers, down mid-thigh. He took his hard cock in his hand and started stroking.

Misha knew this was it. This, he couldn’t resist, no matter where they were or how much time they had.

“Damn it, Jen.”

Jensen reconnected their lips to shut him up. He released Misha’s cock for a second to make work of opening his own pants. He wrapped his hand around both of their freed erections and slowly stroked them to completion.

Heavy breathing sounded through the small compartment as they moved towards an orgasm. It was Misha who came first, muffling the scream of Jensen’s name against the man’s clothed shoulder. Jensen soon followed him over the edge with a loud groan of his own.

Spiraling down from their height, they took in the mess they made. Stains of spilled semen were visible on both their shirts.

“You think I can borrow one of your shirts?” Jensen asked with a chuckle.

“Sure.” Misha took a shirt from the closet and threw it at him. “You go clean up first. We can’t both fit in that bathroom at the same time.”

Half an hour later, they made their way back to the party. “Don’t you think people are gonna find it strange we show up in different clothes from when we left?” Misha asked.

Jensen waved his arm. “No, I wouldn’t worry about it. Most of them probably don’t even remember what we were wearing, and those who do will most likely think they remembered it wrong.”

Jensen was right, people didn’t really notice. Some did look at them strangely, with frowned eyebrows, but then seemed to shrug it off.

The party got wrapped up by midnight. Kripke said he wanted everyone in their beds by one although he really didn’t have any say in it, but tomorrow was another work day, and the last thing he needed was hungover actors or camera men.

It was long after one in the morning when Misha finally fell asleep. When he rolled into bed, he was still riding the adrenaline high on how well his character was received. Too bad Castiel would be killed off in the next episode.

This train of thought brought him to he and Jensen. They had another two weeks before he would be gone and despite the fact that they would do their best to stay in touch – there was no doubt in his mind anymore that they would make an effort – he knew how it worked in reality. There would probably be an arrangement to visit every other weekend or so and they might pull it off at first, but then life would get in the way and before they knew it, it would all just…die. Misha didn’t know if he could handle that. He really didn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See y'all next Monday with more smut. Things are getting interesting.


	12. Going all the way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for more Cockles smut.

 

A lot of things changed for Misha after the airing of that infamous first episode of season four.

On Friday, it was business as usual while, from time to time, more positive reviews reached the set. His agent called to tell him he had scheduled some interviews – people were dying to know the man behind the angel – and on Saturday, at the parking lot of a grocery store in Vancouver, he was recognized. A few giggling women came to say ‘hi’, asked him if they could take his picture and told him how much they loved his character. To say Misha was overwhelmed would be the understatement of the century. The enthusiasm he was met with was something new, and not something he was really prepared for.

He shot an excited text to Jensen who immediately called him with the advice that, if he had ever posted any incriminating pictures of himself on the internet, to take them down right now. Some fans were pretty determined and when they started to dig, they dug deep.

“Enjoy the peace and quiet while you still can,” Danneel shouted from the background before they hung up.

Eric called him to his ‘office’ on the set the moment he arrived Monday morning. The director waved his arm at the chair in front of his desk, motioning for him to sit down.

Nerves whirled around in Misha’s stomach. What was this all about?  Did he do something wrong?

Eric, however, smiled. He put his elbows on the desk, tangled his fingers and rested his chin upon them. “Would you be interested in staying on the show for the rest of the season?” he cut right to the chase and caught Misha completely off guard. For one split second he thought he didn’t hear that right.

“Ehm, what?”

Eric unfolded his fingers and leaned back in his chair. “The reactions to Castiel are overwhelmingly positive, and that’s putting it mildly. I would like to keep you.”

It took Misha a few moments to process that information and what this meant, especially in regards to him and Jensen. He opened his mouth to say something and wasn’t even surprised  he couldn’t produce any sound at first. He cleared his throat. “So, does this mean Castiel won’t be killed off?”

“That’s exactly what it means,” Eric said with a chuckle. “I already made the changes in the script of ‘Heaven and Hell’. So, what d’ you say?”

“I say yes, of course.”

“Great!” Eric stood up. “Let’s go tell the others the good news.”

As he walked with Eric to set three, Misha couldn’t find the words to describe how he felt. He was sure they had yet to be invented. Joy or excitement didn’t even come close to name this awesome feeling that vibrated in the core of his very soul. He did know, a lot had to do with Jensen. He didn’t have to leave him behind after all; or, at least, not permanently.

***

Jensen frowned when Misha and Eric strolled in. He had feared the worst when a crew member had told him this morning Misha was called to Eric’s ‘office’. One look at Misha though, made all his fears melt away. The guy was beaming. Whatever it was they talked about, it had to be something good.

Eric asked for everyone’s attention, and when he was done making his announcement, Jensen had to fight the irresistible urge to wrap Misha in a hug that would crush all the air out of his lungs. He restrained himself from doing it. It was one thing to be glad someone would stay, it was another to act too enthusiastic.

Jensen casually walked over to Misha. “I think that’s the best news I’ve heard all day.”

“Yeah, I know, and the day has only just begun. I doubt anything can top this.”

“Nothing can.” Jensen looked around to make sure no one was close enough to hear him. “If you only knew how much I wanna kiss you right now,” he whispered.

Misha’s eyes flicked immediately to his lips and then back up again to catch his gaze. The incredible blue Jensen stared into was mesmerizing. He gravitated an inch forward.

“Careful, Jen.” Misha’s soft voice pulled him out of his reverie, his warm breath caressing his face. He gasped. What the fuck was he doing?

“I’m sorry.” Jensen huffed out a small laugh. “I guess I zoned out there for a second.” He looked down and nearly lost it when he noticed the bulge in Misha’s pants. Having the guy’s arousal this close to his own half hard cock, was dangerous when they were in public. He thanked every God in existence when Jared came over, and saved him from dragging Misha to his trailer without caring how many eyebrows he would raise with it.

“Hey man. Seems like Cas isn’t going anywhere.”

Misha shook his head. “Guess not.”

“I’m glad. I really am. Now let’s get some rehearsals done.”  And with that, Jared moved them out of the danger zone.

\-----

Frustrated was one word to describe how Jensen felt the next few days. Every free time Misha had was filled with interviews. Of course, Jensen was happy for him – he was not that selfish – but he just wanted some time of his own with him, even if it was just for one minute and a swift kiss.

The thing that added to his frustrations was that one particular, rather explicit scene he had with Julie. He never had any problem whatsoever with kissing women on camera, but now he just didn’t… _feel_ it. It was maddening he couldn’t get it right; or not to the director’s satisfaction anyway. Miller wanted sparks. _Yeah, well buddy, sorry, but producing sparks when there aren’t any is just not possible._

Misha watching from the sidelines didn’t help either. It made him uncomfortable – _what the actual fuck_ – and when a kiss was shared between Dean and Anna in front of Castiel with Misha given the instructions of looking jealous and possessive with a hint of curiosity and, well, let’s throw some confusion in there as well, Jensen thought they were never going to get the scene done.

It was well after dinner and already dark out when Miller apparently decided enough was enough; the footage they had would just have to do. Jensen was immensely glad because he was ready to explode from all the pent up irritation.

With the last bit of effort, he forced a smile on his face and said: “Great job, guys.” Then he left the set, making a beeline for his trailer, before he was going to bit someone’s head off. This whole day had been a fucking nightmare and if Miller was going to make him reshoot this scene, he was sure he was going to kill him.

Things got better the next day. Finally, _finally_ he and Misha managed to get some time together and they made the most of it to the best of their abilities because it was all they had. Misha would fly home after filming today, so they wouldn’t have a weekend together.

\-----

‘Heaven and Hell’ got wrapped up on Thursday the next week. For Misha, that was it for a while. Castiel would stay, but the filming of the next episode featuring the angel would not happen until after the New Year, which meant Jensen wouldn’t see him for the next two and a half months. It gave the sweet euphoria of Cas staying on the show a bitter taste.

Misha asked Jensen to spend that last weekend with him at his place. He didn’t decline, of course he didn’t, are you kidding? He was so glad the guy asked, and happily accepted.

They hit the bar on Friday night, as usual, but they left early because they couldn’t keep their hands to themselves. They traded blow jobs, and fell asleep in each other arms to have lazy morning sex when they woke up.

Smiles were exchanged and kisses were stolen during breakfast. There was a dry humping session on the couch during a James Bond marathon and in the evening Misha cooked them a simple but nice meal, setting the table for a romantic dinner, complete with candle light and soft music.

They ate in silence for a while, enjoying the delicious steak. It was perfect, but Jensen realized that they were living in a dream; an illusion. Tomorrow the bubble would inevitably burst. He was running out of time.

Misha’s eyes flicked to the broad silver ring on his finger. He did that a lot lately, like he was wondering where it came from. Jensen didn’t wear it often, but when he did, Misha seemed to admire it. He traced his finger over the warm metal. “You like it?” He looked up at slightly shocked blue eyes.

“Ehm, yeah, I do actually.”

“You wanna try it on?”

Misha swallowed. “You don’t mind?”

“No, of course not.” Jensen took off the silver band and handed it to him. A sudden possessive streak hit him the moment the ring effortlessly slid around Misha’s middle finger.

“Keep it.” It was a spur of the moment. He didn’t plan it, but he felt it was the right thing to do. He wanted Misha to have something to remember him by, during the time he was gone.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, it’s cool. It looks good on you.” He cleared his throat. “Consider it a late birthday present. We didn’t exactly celebrate that.”

“I wasn’t here at the time,” Misha replied. “But, thank you.”

Jensen put his fork down and stood up. He went around the table and straddled Misha’s lap, pressing their crotches together. When Misha cupped his face and pulled him into a long, slow kiss, he knew he made the right call by giving him the ring. But there was something else, something he wanted to ask from him before he left tomorrow. He moved his mouth from Misha’s lips, over his jaw to his ear. “I want you to fuck me,” he whispered.

Misha tensed up. Jensen heard him drawing in a breath. He backed up to look at him. Misha’s face was adorably flushed.

“Jen, are you sure you’re ready for this?”

“Yeah,” Jensen said with a nod. “Yeah, I am.”

“But you’ve never…”

“I’ve had anal before, Mish, with a woman, but that’s beside the point. I know how it works,” Jensen cut him off. “I’ve just never been on the receiving end of it.” He rubbed their hardening dicks together, eyes fixed on Misha, unwavering, determined.

“Okay. But I have to ask first, did you and Danneel ever get tested?” Misha’s voice was rough. It made Jensen shudder.

“Yes, we did. We were both clean.”

“No others after that?”

“Really, Mish? I think you know the answer to that.”

Misha shot him a wide grin. “I guess I do.” He stole a kiss.

“So, what about you? You clean?” Jensen asked when Misha released his mouth.

“Vicky and I get tested every year.” Misha’s hands made their way to the hem of Jensen’s shirt. “Did it before I left for Nepal.” He pulled the shirt out over Jensen’s head and carelessly threw it on the ground. “We’re both clean, and no others after that.”

“Why are we talking about this exactly?” Jensen had some idea – he was not that naïve – he just wanted to be sure.

“Because,” Misha pressed his lips against the side of his neck. “When I fuck you,” the mouth moved to his earlobe and nibbled it. “I wanna do it without a condom.”

Jensen gasped for air when Misha’s hands moved from his shoulders to his naked back, sliding down while slightly scratching his fingernails over the flesh, creating goosebumps of pleasure. It was like his back was one, big, erogenous zone. His eyes fluttered closed and his head fell back with a long groan.

“I wanna _feel_ you, Jen,” Misha went on with a low voice that came very close to the voice he did as Castiel. A kiss was placed at the pulse point of his exposed neck. “I wanna paint your insides white.”

“Damn, Mish, fuck me,” Jensen whined and was surprised how raw he sounded. With Misha scratching his back, gruffly whispering what he was going to do and their cocks rubbing together, creating sweet friction through the restricted fabric of their jeans, he was skating on the very edge of an orgasm.

“Then get up so I can take you to the bedroom, because, Jensen, if you don’t right now, we probably won’t make it there.”

As much as Jensen hated to stop what they were doing, Misha was right. He looked into his beautiful as always blue eyes and noticed he was balancing on the edge himself.

They fell onto the bed and slowly undressed each other. It was familiar territory. They had done it so many times before.

Misha retrieved the lube from the drawer of the bedside table, and threw it on the bed within reach. He openmouthed kissed Jensen long and hard before moving down, his tongue drawing a wet line over his chest all the way to his exposed and fully erect cock. He took it in his mouth and sucked once.

“Godddd  Mishhhh.” Jensen arched his back. He thought he was going to explode, but just as he was about to orgasm, Misha pulled off, leaving him complaining like a child who was denied a cookie.

“I need you to relax, Jensen,” Misha explained and damn it, Jensen swore his voice had dropped another octave.

A pillow was wordlessly shoved under his ass. Misha told him to bend his knees and then gently pushed them a bit further apart. A kiss was pressed against the inside of his thigh.

Jensen’s stomach was in knots from anticipation. They tightened when he heard the ‘pop’ from the tube of lube being opened. All the muscles in his body tensed up when something rubbed his rim.

“Jen, baby, you need to relax,” Misha said, soothing, loving, while tenderly circling his hole with his finger.

“Yeah, well, Mish, if someone is about to put a finger in your ass for the first time in your life, you kinda react like that,” Jensen moaned. It was a nice feeling though and he let the tension seep from his muscles, enjoying the sensation until the finger was pushed inside.

He took in a startled breath and tensed up again at the sudden burn. He had pushed his own finger inside in the past while jerking off – who hadn’t, really, at one point in their lives – but this was the first time he let someone else do it; the first time he _trusted_ someone else enough to do it.

Once he got used to the foreign intrusion, and the burning sensation faded, another finger was added and found his prostate. A shiver went through his body, setting all his nerve endings on fire.

“Fuuuuck. Yes. Right…there.” He hardly noticed a third finger sliding inside, too caught up in the sensation of Misha rubbing his prostate and reducing him to a panting mess. He bucked his hips up into Misha’s touch, trying to shove the fingers deeper. All coherent thinking had left him; he could only feel.

His left leg was hoisted up. The transition from Misha’s fingers to his cock was fluid. In one swift but careful move he felt Misha sliding inside. With a loud growl he threw his head back. His breath came in short puffs while reveling in the feeling of being full. A hand gently ran over his thigh and a rough voice asked “You good?”

Jensen swallowed and opened his eyes. They met the sapphire blue ones of the man above him. He smiled. “Yeah, I’m good.”

Misha slowly started to fuck him, hitting Jensen’s prostate every so often. The warmth of an imminent orgasm pooled in his belly. He needed to come; he needed to come so bad, but the climax seemed to be just out of his grasp.

He reached for his neglected cock, lying heavy on his stomach, leaking, screaming for attention. Misha batted his hand away and wrapped his own fingers around it. He jerked it in time with his thrusts that had become more erratic.

Jensen couldn’t hold it any longer. It only took a few tugs to push him into the deep and he came, hard, with a loud cry of the shortened version of Misha’s name leaving his lips.

Misha fucked him through his ecstasy and then held still with the satisfying groan of sweet release.

For a few seconds, heavy breathing was the only sound heard in the room. Jensen could feel Misha’s softening cock leaving him. He blinked his eyes open and looked at the man who just gave him the best fucking orgasm ever. God, he was beautiful like that; every last bit of his charmingly disheveled self. He reached out for him and Misha bent over to capture his lips in a passionate kiss, tongues tangling together, savoring the taste of each other.

“Hang on, be right back,” Misha whispered with his mouth against his. He got up and padded to the bathroom.

Jensen heard water running and moments later, Misha came back with a washcloth. Ever so tenderly he wiped up the semen spilled on Jensen’s belly and stomach and then ran it over his hole. He threw it on the ground when he was done. He laid himself down on the bed and pulled Jensen into his arms.

“How was that?”

“Amazing,” Jensen mumbled. “I never imagined it could feel this good. I’m sore though.”

Misha pressed a swift kiss on the top of his head and chuckled. “You will be for a few days.”

“Good. I wanna feel it. It will be a reminder of a night well spent.” Like a cat, he crawled a bit tighter in Misha’s arms. He felt safe here; secure, shielded but, above all else, _content_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is turning into a real smut fest guys. How did that happen? And they're not done yet.  
> See you all next Monday.


	13. A lesson in deep throating

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> smut ahead

 

With the water of tears blurring his vision, Jensen drove home. He had just dropped Misha off at the airport and well…that was it. They wouldn’t see each other for two and a half months.

He sniffled and wiped his eyes dry. He was being ridiculous. They were just friends who had sex when they were in Vancouver together, it was the only place they could exist; it was safe ground.

The leather creaked as he shifted in his seat. He was still sore, a pleasant reminder that last night really happened. He wanted to do it again, this morning, but Misha had refused. He had asked him to fuck him instead, and Jensen hadn’t said no to that. He was happy to return the favor.

There had been a fleeting moment last night where Jensen had thought Misha might be one of those guys who didn’t want to bottom. He was relieved he got that wrong and that Misha enjoyed being fucked as much as being the one doing the fucking.

Jensen took a left turn to Jared’s driveway. He swallowed as he turned off the engine. Jared knew what was going on, and he was being the supportive friend, but Jensen didn’t want him to see his red rimmed eyes. He would ask questions he didn’t have an answer to.

The last few weeks had been a sequence of first times for Jensen; the first time he woke up next to another man, the first time he gave a blow job, the first time he had a guy fuck him to a mind blowing orgasm, and the first time he fucked said guy to a similar mind blowing orgasm – the way Misha had squirmed and writhed and fallen apart underneath him while he had slammed into him harder and faster, had told him as much.

With a sigh, Jensen collected himself as much as he could, and exited his car. He was relieved Jared was nowhere in sight when he entered the house. He ran up the stairs, straight to his room, where he fell down on his bed. The tears he had pushed down welled up again. This time, he didn’t refuse to acknowledge them; this time, here in the safe seclusion of his own room, he let them fall. _Damn it_.

\-----

From having sex almost every day to not seeing each other for weeks was…weird. It was a damn strange situation they were in.

The first week wasn’t all that bad. The second week, Jensen was itchy and on edge. He was grateful for the distraction Halloween provided and he could look forward to Thanksgiving and being with his family in Texas for the holiday after that.

Jared tried to cheer him up with his pranks and jokes, but only could do so much.

“Damn it, Ackles. If you miss him, why don’t you just invite him over?”

“Because Misha and I are not in a relationship, Jay. We’re just fuckbuddies whenever he’s here; nothing more, nothing less. We find comfort in each other’s arms and that’s it, that’s as far as it goes.” He took the plate with the pancakes Jared just made and brought it to the living room where he plummeted down on the couch. He didn’t want to talk about it, he just tried to forget.

***

Jensen and Misha didn’t talk a lot during their time apart. There were a few texts, mostly to wish each other some happy holiday crap, and an occasional phone call that could always light up Misha’s face, however rare they were.

The first time Jensen called him, was the middle of November. He told him how busy things on the set were – as if Misha didn’t know that – how he looked forward to having the week off for Thanksgiving and that Jared had finally asked Gen out on an official date. He wanted to take her home to his family for Christmas.

A month later, he called again. This time to say he rented his own apartment. Now that Gen and Jared were official and things went great between them, she had practically moved in. He felt like the third wheel.

“Did he put up much of a fight when you told him you were leaving?” Misha asked with a chuckle. He could only imagine how that conversation went.

“Yeah, you could say that.” A sigh sounded at the other end of the line. “He kinda accused me of forcing him to choose between me and Gen, which couldn’t be any further from the truth.”

“I know, Jen. Although I must say I also understand where Jared was coming from.” Misha paced the living room floor and stopped at the Christmas tree he put up yesterday. He gave it a once over and rearranged some ornaments.

“I did too,” Jensen said. “I explained to him why I decided to move out and he finally understood. I mean, I’m very happy for them, I really am, but, it was so weird. I felt very awkward sitting there, watching some movie with them while they were constantly all over each other.”

Misha laughed. “I get the picture. So, when are you moving into your new place?”

“Right after the new year when we go back to work. I actually look forward to having a place of my own so I can do what I want.”

The meaning was clear, it was very clear. Jensen didn’t put it in so many words, but Misha could hear it in the tone of his voice. It made his heart skip a beat. Them being together wouldn’t be limited to an occasional weekend anymore.

\-----

With the busy holiday season, time went by rather fast after that and before Misha knew it, he was back in Vancouver.

He strolled over the set to his trailer, greeting and wishing everyone he passed a ‘Happy New Year’, when someone grabbed his arm and yanked him behind one of the wooden set pieces. A hot mouth was placed on his while a familiar tongue desperately demanded access.

“God, I missed this,” Jensen panted when they broke apart, gasping to get some air into his lungs.

“So did I.” Misha surged forward and captured Jensen’s kiss swollen lips. He grabbed his buttocks and pulled his lower body close. The feeling of a hard cock firmly pressed to his amped up his arousal.

“You wanna come check out my new place after filming?” Jensen asked, breathing fast and heavy, while Misha assaulted his neck.

“Yeah, you bet. Text me the address later,” Misha mumbled, mouth still pressed against the tender flesh behind Jensen’s earlobe. He licked over the bite mark he put there.

Someone loudly cleared his throat, and they jumped apart so fast it made Misha’s head spin.

Jensen whirled around and audibly breathed a sigh of relief when he saw it was only Jared who interrupted them. “Jesus.” He ran a hand through his hair.

“You guys need to be more careful if you don’t want the whole cast to know.” He flicked his eyes to Misha. “Hey Mish. Happy New Year.”

Misha grinned. “Thanks. You too.”

Jared moved his gaze back to Jensen. “Table read in five minutes. Let’s go.”

It was the second time since they got together Jared had kept them out of trouble.

\-----

It was hard for Misha to be around Jensen without wanting to jump his bones. Jensen felt the same way – it didn’t take a genius to see that – so they silently agreed to stay out of each other’s orbit as much as they could.

He smiled when he found a text message from Jensen with the address to his new home, and replied he would be there an hour after they were released from the set.

With a ridiculous amount of nerves and anticipation in his gut, Misha arrived at Jensen’s place. It was a six story apartment building with flats each covering a whole floor. Jensen rented the one at the top.

As soon as the door opened, Misha threw his overnight bag on the floor and pushed Jensen back against the nearest wall. He hungrily assaulted his mouth in a scorching kiss that lasted until he almost passed out from the lack of oxygen.

Their hands were everywhere, almost tearing each other’s clothes off while they traded sloppy, open mouthed kisses. Heavy panting and excited moans were the only noises that filled the otherwise silent flat.

Misha frantically bucked his hips against Jensen’s, desperately searching for some more friction. His hand got trapped between their moving bodies as he tried to open both their pants. It was too late. Jensen came with a loud groan. At that, Misha let go himself and spilled his release in his boxers with a moan of his own.

They took their time coming out of their joined ecstasy with Misha’s forehead resting on Jensen’s shoulder, until Jensen’s body shuddered with giggles. He lifted his head. “What’s so funny?” he asked with a grin so wide it made his cheeks hurt.

“We are. Wow, Mish. I mean…wow.”

“I know.” Misha placed a chaste, close mouthed kiss on his lips. “I’m glad I brought some spare clothes.”

After cleaning themselves and changing into comfortable sweats, Misha got a quick tour through the three bedroom apartment. Only the master bedroom had an adjoining bathroom. There was a second bathroom down the hall meant for guests, and a study annex library.

The open kitchen was spacious, with a cooking island in the middle and a breakfast counter attached to it. There was room to seat eight people at the dining room table. A big, black leather corner sofa covered the living room with a thick, white carpet underneath it, and a flat screen T.V above a fire place.

The tour ended with the large sliding glass doors that gave access to the balcony covering the whole front of the flat.

“It’s a great place, Jen. I really like it but, why do you need so many bedrooms?”

 Jensen shrugged shyly. “It’s nice to have two spare rooms in case I want to invite you and Vicky and Jared and Gen over.” He shot him a toothy smile. “Now, how does Thai sound for dinner?”

***

By the time they finished the Thai food, cleaned up the plates, put the leftovers in the fridge and the credits of ‘I am Legend’ rolled over the flat screen T.V, Jensen found himself straddling Misha’s lap on the couch. He slowly rolled his hips, pressing their crotches together, with his hands on Misha’s shoulders.

“I don’t know about you, Jen, but I kinda wanna be undressed this time.”

Jensen grinned. “Yeah?” He crashed their lips together.

“Yeah,” Misha panted.

Jensen got off Misha’s lap and kneeled in front of him between his legs. Smiling mischievously, he grabbed the waistband of Misha’s sweatpants and tugged.

Misha lifted his hips to help Jensen pull them off. With no boxers underneath them, his hard cock bobbed free, beautifully curved as always and waiting to be cherished.

Jensen gave it one firm stroke before taking it in his mouth, eliciting a moan from the man it belonged to.

Hands were put on his head, the fingers tangling in the short strands of his hair as he frantically sucked Misha’s cock. The slight burn of fingernails scratching his skull created goosebumps on his skin.

After a few seconds with his mouth and tongue working perfectly together in taking care of Misha, he pulled off and looked up at him. “Teach me how to deep throat.” He was surprised with how hoarse he sounded. If his voice was already this raspy, he could only imagine what he would sound like after he had Misha’s cock pushed down his throat.

Blue eyes, pupils blown wide with lust, stared back. “Why would you want to deep throat when you give a blow job that would make a professional blush?”

Jensen sat back on his haunches. “I already told you. I want to know what it feels like to have that cock of yours shoved down my throat.”

Misha seemed to think about it. He drew his bottom lip between his teeth and kept staring at him. It hit Jensen it was the same way Cas would stare at Dean; intense and hypnotizing.

Finally, Misha nodded. “Let’s go to the bedroom.”

Jensen jumped to his feet, excitement bubbling up in his gut. In the back of his mind, a little voice asked if he knew what he was doing.

When the bedroom door slammed shut, Jensen surged forward to crash his lips to Misha’s mouth.

“No!” Misha held up both hands to stop him. “I’m calling the shots here, Jen. You asked and I will teach you, but you are going to do exactly what I tell you, do you understand?” His voice was low and demanding.

A shiver rippled through Jensen’s body. He slowly nodded, and the confirming ‘yes’ that left his lips was barely audible. This was a side of Misha he hadn’t seen yet and he loved it. The guy went all Dom on him, making his excitement grow stronger. It was a huge turn on. If his cock wasn’t fully erect before, it sure was now.

“Take off your clothes,” Misha said in a voice that wouldn’t tolerate any contradictions.

Jensen blinked and started to undress until he was fully naked. He felt pretty exposed standing here like that which, in his mind, was ridiculous. They had been intimate for fuck’s sake, what was he so ashamed of?

“Hands behind your back.”

Again Jensen did what he was told. He watched as Misha took a pillow from the bed and threw it in front of him. “On your knees.”

As Jensen knelt down, Misha removed his own clothes. He took a step forward and looked down at him. Jensen held up his head and gazed back, waiting, _anticipating_.

“I’m gonna tell you what I’m gonna do so you know what’s coming. Do I have your full attention?”

“Yes.”

“First you’re gonna suck my cock, get it nice and wet until I tell you to stop, but don’t pull off, keep it in your mouth. Then I’m gonna place my hands behind your neck and I will start pushing in, all the way down your throat, and I will hold it there for a few seconds, not long, and then I will pull back. You with me so far?”

Jensen nodded. He wasn’t sure if he was still able to produce any sound, not even a whisper.

Misha’s eyes never left his as he went on. “I’m gonna do that a couple of times, until you’re used to it. Once you are, I’m gonna start fucking your mouth. If you start gagging, I will pull back immediately. I won’t hurt you, Jen. You trust me?”

Jensen nodded again, signaling he did trust him and that he understood everything he was just told.

“You can remove your hands from your back now and put them anywhere you want. Start sucking.”

Jensen licked his lips and took Misha’s hard cock in his mouth. His tongue swirled around the head, lapping up the salty fluids pulsing from the tip. He was so wrapped up in it all, he almost didn’t hear Misha telling him to stop. He ceased what he was doing and glanced up at him, his lips still around the head of Misha’s cock.

Stormy eyes caught his. Misha’s hands slid to the back of his neck. “I’m gonna push in now.” His voice was gritty. “You ready?”

Jensen nodded. He placed his hands on Misha’s hips and slammed his eyes shut when he felt Misha’s cock going further and further down his throat. He thanked all his lucky stars he didn’t have a sensitive gag reflex.

The first inklings of panic build up when he couldn’t breathe, or it didn’t seem like it. Of course it was possible to breathe through his nose, but at that very moment he just couldn’t.

Just when he honestly thought he was going to choke and that would be the end of him, Misha pulled back. Jensen released the cock from his mouth and took in a deep breath.

“Are you okay?” There was worry in Misha’s tone of voice.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Jensen panted. He swallowed. “Let’s do this again.”

“You sure?”

“Yes. Yes I am.”

“Okay, open up.” Misha tapped the tip of his cock against Jensen’s lips. “Try to relax.”

The second time it went better. Jensen found it was easier to exhale when Misha pushed in. It helped a lot for both breathing and letting Misha slide further down his throat.

Jensen didn’t push him off of him when Misha pulled back. He held him in his mouth and encouraged Misha to go at it again.

“Fuck, Jen, you look so beautiful like that,” Misha gritted out. He held Jensen’s head still as he thrusted in and out of his mouth. He was careful and gentle with him while reaching for his climax.

Jensen felt drunk at the realization he was deep throating Misha. It was an exhilarating feeling. Arousal rushed through him. His own cock was aching, screaming, begging to be touched and leaking precome. He wanted to come so badly it hurt. His fingernails dug crescent moons the flesh of Misha’s hips he hung on for dear life.

With one final thrust and a loud groan, Misha held still. Warm liquid poured deep down Jensen’s throat. He swallowed and took it all, every last drop of it.

When Misha pulled out, he felt like he lost something. He sat back on his haunches, breathing heavy from the sensation he just experienced. Instinctively, he reached for his neglected cock.

Misha stopped him by taking him by the arms and hoisting him up. He put his mouth over his, traced the seam of his lips until he opened them and slid their tongues together in a languid kiss.

A finger traced over the length of his cock. Jensen cried out from the pleasure that was so sharp it was almost excruciating. It only took a few firm strokes from Misha’s hands to make him come with a loud cry that echoed in the room.

Together they sagged to the floor where Misha held him in his arms, comforting and soothing, telling him how amazing he was, while covering his face with butterfly light kisses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed it. Leave a comment, they give me life :)


	14. Think before you act

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut ahead. Ehmmm...sorry?

 

Misha woke up with the early light of dawn. He looked beside him at a still peacefully sleeping Jensen and smiled. He’d been so great yesterday, deep throating him like he did. He really was a quick study.

As quietly as he could, Misha got out of bed. He wanted to take a quick shower and leave before Clif arrived to pick Jensen up.

The hot water beating down on his body was a blessing for the sore muscles in his neck. He blamed the pillow for the ache he woke up with.

A warm mouth was pressed against his shoulder blades. Two arms slipped around his waist and his cock immediately started growing underneath the loving caress of the hand wrapped around it.

Misha uttered a moan. His eyes fluttered closed while he threw his head back, enjoying the jolts of pleasure going through him for just a minute, then turned and crashed his mouth on Jensen’s.

“Fuck me Mish,” Jensen whispered when their lips broke apart.

Misha looked deep into his eyes, dark with desire and the pleading request to fuck him senseless. He put his hands on Jensen’s hips and spun him around, telling him to bend over and put his hands flat on the wall.

With his palms pressed against the wet tiles of the shower, Jensen did what he was told. He was so obedient, so compliant. Misha stored that little fact away for later use. They were going to have so much fun when toys came into play. But first…this.

Misha knelt down and pulled Jensen’s ass cheeks apart. With his tongue, he traced one long stripe over his hole.

“Ohhh my Goddddddd, Mish, fuck,” Jensen panted.

“Mmmm. You like that?”

“Yes, very much so.”

“Good.” Misha went back to business. He licked the muscle of Jensen’s rim into relaxation, drawing the most filthy noises from the guy’s mouth, especially when he pushed his tongue inside.

Jensen reached to take his cock and Misha instantly ceased his actions. “Hands against the wall, Jen.”

“What? Oh come on!”

“Hands against the wall, Jen. Don’t make me repeat myself.” He was firm and commanding, using his Dom voice. He was pleased when Jensen obeyed, and continued his rimming session, pushing his tongue in and out of Jensen’s hole.

When Jensen was wet enough, he got up from his kneeling position and slid a finger inside. With how loose Jensen already was, he could almost immediately add another one.

“Fuck…Mish.” Jensen pushed into the touch.

Misha took the bottle of lube from corner shelf of the bathroom stall. He coated his remaining fingers with one hand and inserted a third one into Jensen’s waiting hole.

“Oh God, Mish…please…pleaaaaaaase…touch me.” Jensen bucked his hips into Misha’s fingers and whined when Misha removed them to lube up his cock. With a hand at the small of Jensen’s back, Misha slowly pushed in and slid home. He held still. With closed eyes, he concentrated to stop himself from coming right then and there. Jensen clenched around him, his body so warm and so tight.

“You’re gonna keep your hands against that wall while I fuck you, Jen and you are going to come for me, no touching.”

“Ehm, what? Mish, I don’t…I’ve never…”

“Yes you can and you will,” Misha interrupted him. “You _will_ come, _no_ touching. If you don’t by the time I’m done, you won’t come at all.” He pulled back and slammed back in. “Do you understand?”

“Fuuuuuuck.” Jensen’s breathing was heavy and fast. “Yes, yes, I understand.” He rolled his hips. “Please, please move.”

Misha began to fuck him, slow at first, going faster every second, making sure to hit Jensen’s prostate with every thrust. The warmth of an orgasm build up inside him, waiting to explode. He tried to hold it back as long as he could to give Jensen some time. He meant what he’d said.

“I’m close, Jen. Come on, baby, come for me.” He frantically slammed in and out. “Come on.”

The loud cry in the bathroom stall along with Jensen contracting around his cock, told Misha that he had finally reached his orgasm. He could let go himself now. Screaming Jensen’s name, he filled up that perfect ass with his cum.

He stuttered a few times and held still after one final thrust, gasping to catch his breath, until his softened cock slid out.

Jensen straightened and turned to him. “Fuck, Mish.” He surged forward and nibbled his lips. “Were you serious? You know, about not letting me come if I couldn’t come untouched?”

Misha grinned. “Very serious.”

Jensen’s eyes went wide. “Wow.” It was like he couldn’t grasp that information.

Misha chuckled as he poured some shower gel on a wash cloth. He washed Jensen’s body and hair and then his own before the water ran completely cold.

***

Jensen had to fly to L.A. that Thursday for the premiere of ‘My Bloody Valentine’, a film he did over last year’s summer hiatus.

Acting was a profession he loved, all the publicity and the mandatory events he had to attend that came along with it, not so much. He was really a very shy person, something no one would suspect.

It was different at the start of his career, when everything was still new and exciting. Now it just was the same old, same old. He would rather interact with his fans or be around ‘normal’ people. Hollywood could be so ‘fake’ sometimes. It took a very strong person not to lose himself in the madness and the illusion the city of dreams created. Before you knew it, it would eat you up and spit you out. Jensen had seen it happen so many times. It wasn’t pretty.

So, yes, he considered himself lucky he escaped that just in time by making the decision to concentrate on television instead. He didn’t regret it. ‘Supernatural’ had a strong fanbase and gained viewers every day.

Jensen smiled as he entered the condo he stayed at in L.A.  According to Eric, the ratings of the episodes that featured Castiel were the highest of the season so far. He was glad the angel was so very well received, and he should be thankful to the fans who probably were the main reason Misha was asked to stay.

With a sigh, Jensen plopped on the couch. He let his head fall back onto the cushions and closed his eyes.

His mind drifted back to the memory of the past few days. He felt all tingly inside when he thought about how Misha had gone all dominant on him, and how he had loved every second of it. Being manhandled; being pushed into the role of a submissive, was one of his deepest, darkest desires he had always tried very hard to repress, until now. Misha had managed to find it and to dig it all up.

The way Misha had taught him how to deep throat, and the drunken feeling it had given him, was amazing; how he had fucked him, long and hard, demanding him to come without touching his cock and threatening to deny him his orgasm if he couldn’t do it untouched, made him hard again _. Fuck_.

Since he still had a few hours before Danneel arrived and they had to get ready for the premiere, he opened his pants and took his throbbing cock out. The corners of his mouth tugged up in a smile when a mischievous plan formed in the back of his head.

He took his phone and called Misha. Holding the device against his ear with one hand, he lazily stroked his cock with the other, waiting for Misha to answer.

“Hey, Jensen,” Misha’s surprised voice came through the phone after the fourth ring. “This is unexpected.”

Jensen chuckled. “Hi Mish. Ehm…are you alone?”

A beat of silence. “Hang on.” Jensen heard voices in the background that faded away as quick footsteps sounded, walking over gravel and concrete cobblestones. “I’m almost in my trailer.” The sounds of breathing and the rush of air crawled into his ear. Then it was like a door was closed. “Okay, I’m alone, what’s up?”

“I’m gonna send you a picture. Stay on the line.” Jensen moved his IPhone from his ear and snapped a photo of his hard cock. He could barely contain a playful giggle as he sent it to Misha.

“Fuck, Jen.”

“Yeah. As you can see, I’m having a bit of a problem here. You wanna help me out with this?”

Misha gasped audibly. “Over the phone?”

“Over the phone,” Jensen confirmed, nodding even though Misha couldn’t see him.

Five tense seconds of silence lingered. Jensen held his breath, hoping Misha would go along with this. He’d never had phone sex before, but he always wanted to try it, so why not now?

“Okay,” Misha finally said. “But first you have to promise me you will do exactly what I tell you to. Can you do that? Can I trust you on this?”

“Yes.” Damn it, why did he find it so fucking hot to take orders from this guy? Misha could easily ask him to jump off a cliff and he would do it.

“Put your phone on speaker. Go to the bedroom and undress. Then I want you to lay on the bed, fully naked. And make sure you have lube.”

Jensen jumped up, his cock straining and leaking. If it could get any harder, it would. He took the Astroglide from his bag and padded to the bedroom where he took off his clothes faster than he ever thought he could. He laid himself on the bed, the satin comforter cool and smooth on his heated skin.

“Get into a comfortable position, Jen. Lube up your finger and start rubbing your rim until you’re ready to push it inside. Stop touching your cock.”

Oh no, he wasn’t doing that again, was he?

“Why?”

“Do as I say. Hands off your cock.”

With a moan, Jensen reluctantly stopped stroking his hard dick. He gasped when he pushed his finger inside.”

“Yeah, that’s it, Jensen. Close your eyes and imagine that’s my finger in your hole. Feel how it smoothly glides in and out. You feel it?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m gonna add another finger now. Are you ready to take another finger, Jensen?”

“Yes. Oh yes.”

“Go ahead, do it then.”

Jensen pushed in a second finger, wincing slightly at the burn and the stretch of his rim. A cry of pleasure left his mouth as he found his prostate.

Misha’s warm and hypnotizing voice guided him through adding a third finger. He bucked his hips, rubbing the bundle of sensitive nerves inside with every thrust. It all felt so fucking good.

“Fuck my fingers, Jen. Feel how I’m opening you up and making you ready to take my cock. You’re craving for my cock, aren’t you?”

“Fuck, yes. Oh God, yes.” He was close, so close but his orgasm seemed to be just out of his reach. His cock was leaking precome, begging to be touched; he needed to touch it and stroke it to completion before he went insane.

“Please, Mish, pleaaaaaaaaaase, I need to…Oh God…”

“Don’t come, Jensen,” Misha ordered him.

The words didn’t register. Jensen was too caught up chasing the climax. It slowly built up inside his belly. “Fuck, fuck, yes, oh God yes,” he panted, frantically fucking his fingers. Almost, he was almost there. He was skirting the very edge, ready to tip over.

“Don’t you dare come, Jensen,” a hard and demanding voice boomed through the phone. The dangerous warning it held was enough to make Jensen stop instantly.

“Remove your fingers, now.”

“Mish, pleaaaaaaase…”

“NOW, Jensen,” Misha cut him off.

With a whimper, Jensen unwillingly did what he was told. He had promised Misha and he was someone who always followed through on his promises.

His imminent orgasm slowly faded, leaving him totally bereft and lost. He could cry because he was denied release, while he was horny as hell and so fucking close.

“Relax, Jensen. Hands at your sides, close your eyes and control your breathing.” Misha’s voice turned from demanding into soothing and gentle. “Just, relax.”

The sheen of sweat that covered Jensen’s body dried up, cooling off his overheated skin. He shivered from the cold it left.

“You’re not gonna make me come, are you,” Jensen said when his breathing had returned to normal. It wasn’t a question, just a statement of what he already knew.

“No, I’m not. Not until I see you again. And don’t you even _think_ about jerking off before then.”

“What? Are you kidding?”

A chuckle came over the phone. “You should have known this might happen, the moment you teased me with sending me that picture.”

Jensen frowned. No, he didn’t. “No, actually, I didn’t,” he voiced his thoughts.

“Really?”

“Yes, really. I just wanted to have phone sex. I didn’t know you would be this cruel.”

Misha laughed. “Don’t worry, Jensen. You’ll be soft again soon enough. Wait until we have a few days off, then I’ll show you what edging _really_ is all about. This? This was nothing compared to what I’m going to do to you _then_.”

Oh. _Fuck._ Why did he say that now that he finally had everything back under control…well, sort of. His heartrate sped up and his cock that was still hard but manageable started throbbing again, pulsing out precome. _Damn it._ And then, suddenly, something hit him that made him smirk. An out. Misha didn’t want him to jerk off, fine, but he probably forgot one tiny detail that would allow him to have sex before Monday after all.

“You do know Danneel is coming over, right?”

“Yes, I know. Do you honestly think I had forgotten about that?”

“Then you’ll also know that I might get off before I’m back.”

“I’m gonna leave that entirely up to her.”

Jensen got up from the bed. “What do you mean?” He put on his boxers and a t-shirt. It was getting too chilly.

“I’m gonna ask you, not demand you or tell you, but _ask_ you to tell her about this and then let her decide.” He sighed. “I can’t and won’t ask you not to have sex with your girlfriend, Jensen. That wouldn’t be right, not to you and not to her.”

“Oh you sly bastard,” Jensen said, but there was a laugh hidden in his voice. Misha and Danneel were two peas in a pod when it came to teasing him. He already knew how she was going to react. The devilish side of her was going to have a field day with this and Misha damn well knew it. He had known it was a bad idea to introduce those two to each other the moment he did it, but it was not like he had any choice in the matter. Danneel had been adamant to meet the man Jensen always spoke so highly about.

“Like I said, Jensen, you don’t have to tell her if you don’t want to.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, I heard you the first time.” Jensen waved his arm. “You’re an asshole, Misha.”

“I know, Jensen. I know. I love you too.” And with that, he hung up.

\-----

Jensen took a cold shower. It helped, but only for a little while. By the time Danneel arrived, he was already half hard again. He only had to think about the phone call to make that happen.

Danneel had picked up her evening dress and his tux from the dry cleaners. She hung them both on the door to the bedroom before shrugging off her coat. “Hey sweetie,” she greeted him and placed a quick kiss on his lips.

Jensen wrapped his arms around her waist and tugged her closer, rubbing his erection against her lower body. He didn’t mean to, not really, it was just instinct.

“Oh, someone sure is horny. You want me to take care of that first before we get ready? The hairdresser isn’t gonna be here for another hour.”

Jensen hesitated. “Ehm, yeah, about that. I need to tell you something first.” He had made her the promise once to be completely honest. She knew he had sex with Misha – and after she had met him, she was in full support of that – and while she never asked for any details about that sex life, he now owed it to her to tell her where his boner came from.

When he was done talking about what happened a while ago, she was speechless for about three seconds. Then she doubled over in laughter, just as he had expected.

“Oh, you think that’s funny?”

“No, I think it’s hilarious.” Danneel wiped the tears from her eyes. “This is priceless.”

“See, I knew you were gonna think that. So, you wanna help me to get rid of it now?”

“What?” Danneel blinked, her eyes still shining with tears and sparkling with mischief. “No, sweetie.” She pointed at his crotch. “That boner you’re sporting belongs to Misha. He needs to take care of it, not me.”

“Daniiii,” Jensen grumbled. He wrapped his arms around her waist again.

“Nope, no, no, no.” Danneel placed her hands on his chest and softly pushed him away. Jensen could see she loved every minute of this. Teasing him was what she lived for.

“Don’t you want to have sex?”

“I do. But I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself.” She winked and took the bag she knew contained all the bathroom equipment. “You have no idea about what a girl can do with the spray of the shower-head.” She hummed around a moan while erotically swinging her hips with closed eyes. Jensen just knew she did it to arouse him even more.

To add some more fuel to the fire she said held up the bag. “I have my waterproof dildo in here too by the way. So, you see, I’m perfectly capable of getting off in a spectacular way.” She turned and went to the bedroom with the adjoining bathroom. “And don’t bother following me because I’m gonna lock the door,” she sing-songed on her way out.

Jensen rolled his eyes and fell on the couch, pouting. Here he was, hard as a rock with no way of getting rid of it besides what he couldn’t do because of his goddamn promise, while his girlfriend was getting off in the shower. The only thing he could do was to wait it out. It would go down on its own.

He groaned. _Next time think before you act, Jackles._ Well, it did sound like a good idea at the time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See you next Monday.


	15. Devastating news

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bits of smut, nothing major.

 

Teasing Jensen was fun. There was only one downside to it: it had given Misha a raging hard on of his own.

During their phone call, Misha had been stroking himself, he didn’t deny that. For one moment, he had been thinking about making them both come, but where was the fun in that?

Giving Jensen a boner, and then have him walking around with it with no chance of release whatsoever, almost made him soil his pants. He only hoped Danneel went along with this little game. From the little he already knew of her, she would probably love it.

Misha glanced at the clock. Would he take a chance and pleasure himself to completion? But what if a PA came knocking on his door when he was in the middle of jerking off? They all had the bad habit of knocking and, without waiting for an answer, peek their head inside. He most likely would scar the poor girl for life.

Of course, he could always lock his door. _Yeah, like that wouldn’t be suspicious at all._ Everyone who had been near him when the call came had heard him greeting Jensen. It wouldn’t take a genius to put two and two together when an excited PA spread the rumor of finding the door to Misha’s part of the three banger locked. _Or maybe he was just being paranoid_.

After going over about it in his head for a couple of seconds, Misha decided not to do it. If there were rumors, it wasn’t a good idea to fuel them.

\-----

The next day, right before lunch, Jensen called again. Misha was surprised. Was the guy that desperate?

“Hey Jen. That’s twice in two days. To what do I owe the pleasure this time?”

“Shut up.”

Misha chuckled. “So, how was the premiere?”

“Same as pretty much all premieres. Boring. And tonight’s cocktail party is gonna be equally boring, as well as the one I have to attend tomorrow night.” A big sigh sounded through the phone. “I’m gonna be so glad when all of this is over.”

“Is that because you really hate it so much or you can’t wait to see me again so I can take care of your little problem?”

“Fuck you, Misha.”

“Working on it, Jen.”

“Hey!” A rustling sound was heard at the other end of the line. “That’s not fair.”

Misha burst out laughing. “I’m not the one who made a promise.” He got up from the couch and locked his trailer door. Steve told him they wouldn’t need him before this afternoon, but it was better to be safe than sorry. “And I’m not the one who called.”

With his phone held between his head and shoulder, he unbuttoned and unzipped his pants. He let the garment pool at his ankles, stepped out of them and kicked them aside.

Misha bit back a gasp when the cool air of the small compartment hit his fully erect cock as it bobbed free from his boxers. He pushed them down and sagged back on the couch.

“Why did you call, Jen?” He knew that damn well, but he wanted to hear Jensen say it. He wanted to hear him _beg_.

“To see if you’ll have mercy on me.” Jensen was pouting. Misha could hear it in his voice.

“So, Danneel didn’t want to help you out, huh?”

“I think you know the answer to that.”

“Seriously, Jen. Where did you find that gem?” Misha smeared through the coat of prerelease glistening at the sensitive head of his cock.

“I already told you. Danneel and I have been friends for a long time.”

“That was a rhetorical question, Jensen.”

“Oh. Well, anyway, you gonna help me out here or not?”

“If you’re meaning to ask if I’m gonna make you come, the answer is no. Not before I have you physically here.”

“Damn you.”

“Your boner from yesterday did go down, right?” Misha had to ask. Maintaining a hard on for hours was uncomfortable at best but it could be dangerous, and the last thing he wanted to do was jeopardize Jensen’s health.

“Yes, it did. I know I would have a serious problem if it didn’t.”

“You hard for me now, Jen?”

“You know I am.”

“You wanna touch it, don’t you?”

“Yes.” The answer was no more than a whisper followed by an even quieter “please?”

“Since you asked so nicely, you can take it out. Give yourself some pleasure, but don’t come. Can I trust you have enough self-restraint to stop when you’re close?”

“Yes, yes…oh fuck.” The heavy panting sounds told Misha Jensen was stroking himself. It made him smile. He knew he was giving Jensen a serious case of ‘blue balls’, but hey, the guy did ask for it.

“I’m gonna hang up now, Jen. Remember, don’t come.” He quickly ended the call without waiting for an answer. The sole reason he did that was because he was on the very edge himself.

Misha fucked into his hand and came with the image of Jensen sucking his dick. With his head fallen back onto the cushions, he took his time coming down from his height, reveling in his post orgasmic bliss, and with thoughts of Jensen whirling inside his mind.

\-----

Misha didn’t fly home that weekend. Somehow, he didn’t want to be in L.A. when Jensen was also there.

He still considered Vancouver as a safe haven, as the only place they could be together. How they were going to manage when conventions came into play, he didn’t know. Would one hotel room be unused or would they really limit their sex lives to Vancouver and stay out of each other’s orbit outside the city?

At two in the morning on Sunday, he was roughly pulled out of a pleasant dream by the ringing of his phone. He blindly reached at the bedside table, managed to turn on the lamp, almost knocked it over, and took his BlackBerry. Without looking at the caller ID he answered the call, and was surprised at the voice that sounded on the other end of the line.

“Hey Misha.”

“Jensen?”

“Yeah.”

Misha pushed himself up. He glanced at the alarm clock. “What… Are you calling from your fancy party?”

“No. I’m in Vancouver.”

Misha needed some time to fully process that. “You’re back?”

“Yes, and I’m actually standing in front of your apartment building. Can you unlock the door for me? I’m kinda freezing my nuts off here.”

Misha wasn’t sure if he was caught up in some dream or if all of this was real. Still half asleep, he got out of bed and stumbled to the door. He unlocked the door downstairs to let Jensen in, and then opened the door to his flat.

The sudden sound of the elevator set in motion pierced through the silence of the building. With a ‘thump’ the elevator stopped at his floor. Jensen got out with a radiant smile and a mischievous look that brightened the specks of gold in his green eyes. He strode over to him, pushed him inside, and hungrily attacked his mouth.

“Jesus, Jen. What’re you doing here?” Misha panted when they broke the kiss.

“Mmmm, sex first, talk later.” Again Jensen assaulted his lips, biting and nibbling like a starving animal.

Misha didn’t need to be told twice. He made a promise, and now Jensen was here to collect it. He sagged down to his knees, and quickly opened Jensen’s pants. In one rough motion, he pushed the pants down Jensen’s legs together with his boxers, and freed his hard cock. The foreskin was already retracted from the boner he was sporting. He took it in his mouth. The head was like velvet on his tongue as he swirled around it.

“Fuck, Mish.”

It was mere seconds before Jensen’s warm cum flooded his mouth. Misha didn’t waste a drop. He guided him through his orgasm, and he knew this first release was wretched. It always was after waiting for so long.

When Jensen was fully clean, Misha got up from his kneeling position. He put his mouth on Jensen’s again.

“Are you gonna tell me now what you’re doing here? Not that I’m complaining.”

Jensen chuckled. “We left the party early. I couldn’t take it any longer, Mish. I was afraid that boner wouldn’t go down anymore.”

Misha burst out in a full body laugh. “It always goes down, Jen.” He turned and went to the kitchen.

“Yeah, for a few hours, but to me it felt like it was hard every fucking second.” Jensen darted after him. “This hasn’t happened to me since I was a teenager with his hormones spinning out of control.”

“Believe it or not, Jen, but I know how it feels.” Misha opened the small fridge. He looked over his shoulder. “You want a beer?”

“Sure. It’s not like we have to get up tomorrow.” Jensen plopped on the couch.

Misha took a couple of cans out of the fridge. He carried them to the living room. “I’m glad we don’t have to get up tomorrow because I’m ready for round two.” He pulled the can open and sipped. “I’m so gonna ride you into the mattress Jen.”

Jensen pulled open his own can. “I can’t wait,” he said and if the glint in his eyes was anything to go by, he was eager to have some steaming sex.

***

They got the script ‘On the head of a pin’ later that week. It was awesome. Ben Edlund had excelled himself with that one. If done right, this episode would make the show’s history books as one of the best season four had to offer. There was no doubt in Jensen’s mind Mike Rohl would do an amazing job.

Goofing around at the rehearsals with pranks and jokes and a lot of laughter stopped as soon as the cameras rolled. They all gave the best they had, and they had plenty of that to give. Christopher Heyerdahl played an impressive Alastair, and the fight scene between Castiel and Uriel, which Jensen watched from the sidelines, was epic.

Some scenes were rather emotional. Jensen’s eyes often stung with the water of tears forming behind them for no reason. He took his refuge in the arms of Misha. It was just sex, nothing more; it could never be more, but it was sweet and it was comforting and somehow, it was enough.

On Monday they received the devastating news Kim Manners had passed away that Sunday. He had lost his battle with lung cancer. It was a big blow for everyone. They had worked with the guy for over three years, and now he was gone. The depressed mood on the set was nearly tangible. Everyone walked around in a daze. It was a huge loss they had to work through, but, in the end, they were all professionals who had a job to do, and life went on, as it always did.

\-----

_“Well then, you guys are screwed. I can't do it, Cas. It's too big. Alastair was right, I'm not all here… I'm not stro… I'm not strong enough. Well I guess I'm not the man either of our dads wanted me to be. Find someone else, it’s not me.”_

It was a heartbreaking scene that had Jensen as Dean laying in a hospital bed with a tube down his nose and scars on his face. A single tear ran down his cheek. He didn’t even have to make an effort to conjure it. The intensity of this scene and the thought of losing Kim combined, was enough to make him cry.

“Cut,” Mike shouted. “Okay guys, that’s a wrap.”

The sound of cheers and clapping filled the set. Another episode was finished and ready for the editing department.

A few crew members ran over to Jensen to free him from the tube and the fake IV drip he was hooked up on.

Misha waited patiently until they were done, and walked Jensen to his trailer. “That really was some amazing acting, Jen.”

The smile Jensen shot him was shy. He was never good at taking compliments. “Thanks.” He bumped Misha’s arm. “You weren’t bad yourself.”

“Hey guys, great job.” With these words Jared joined them. “Look, I’m gonna grab some dinner with Gen and ride with her to the bar.” His eyes darted between Jensen and Misha. “See you both there?”

“Yeah, sure.” Jensen shrugged. “Have fun.”

Jared suggestively wiggled his eyebrows. “I will.” He jogged away from them.

Misha shook his head with a chuckle. “If that isn’t a man in love, I don’t know what is.”

Jensen didn’t respond. He couldn’t relate to what his best friend was experiencing right now. He had never been in love, not really, not until,… He immediately stopped that train of thought. He was not allowing himself to go there. It was complicated, and it was dangerous; it was _impossible_. He and Misha had no future together. Misha was a married man, and he was with Danneel. Falling in love was the last thing he would permit himself to do. An annoying voice inside of him screamed it was already too late.

***

“My agent called earlier.” Misha almost had to yell to raise his voice above the noise of talking and laughing people in the crowded bar. “I’ve been asked to the ‘Salute to Supernatural’ convention in New Jersey, and also for the one in L.A.”

Jensen’s eyes visibly lit up. “Hey, man, that’s great.” A smile formed on his lips. “Bit short notice though.” He took a swig from his beer.

“Yeah.” Misha plucked at the label of his own bottle. He’d been pretty excited when his agent had told him he had scheduled him for two conventions. Misha knew what an event like that was all about, and he always had this silent wish to, one day, be important enough to be asked as a guest at one of them. This was a dream come true. The only downside was Jensen wasn’t going to be there with him. He heaved a deep sigh. “I just… I’m sorry you’re not attending.”

“Relax, Mish. Jim will be there. And so will a lot of others.” Jensen patted him on the back. “They’ll get you through it. You’ll be fine.”

Misha laughed. He turned his barstool an inch to the left until his knee bumped against Jensen’s. “That’s not what I meant.” He caught Jensen’s gaze. With his eyes he tried to tell him what exactly he _did_ mean.

The realization slowly dawned on Jensen’s face. An adorable blush even the colorful neon lights above the counter couldn’t hide, slowly covered his cheeks. It was amazing how the guy, even after all these months of casual sex, could still get so flustered.

Green eyes flicked to Misha’s mouth and back up again. He wetted his lips.

“So, ehm, you wanna get out of here, Mish?”

Misha signaled the waitress to ask for the tab. “You know I do.” He reached into the back pocket of his jeans, and pulled out his wallet.

“I got this,” he said with a hand on Jensen’s arm when he saw his coworker was about to do the same.

They left together after the bill was paid. Misha looked over his shoulder, and just before the door closed, he caught Eric watching them with a faint smile and a knowing glint in his eyes. _Shit_.

\-----

Misha and Jensen had worked out some sort of schedule for being together. During weeknights, and on Sunday, Misha stayed with Jensen. That way Jensen didn’t have to leave early, at the crack of dawn to be home before his bodyguard arrived. He was always picked up by Clif to drive to the set.

Misha carefully stayed out of sight. His car was parked in the underground garage of the apartment building. Sometimes he left for the set before Clif arrived, sometimes he left fifteen minutes later. It all worked out just fine…until that fateful Monday morning in February when it was all shot to hell in the most spectacular way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See ya'll next week


	16. A lover's spat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the previous chapter, I said Jared would be there at Misha's first con. That actually wasn't true. I have corrected it.
> 
> Thank you for all your lovely comments. I can't say enough how much that means to me.
> 
> Enjoy this update.

 

After the filming of ‘On the head of a pin’, and after spending another passionate night with Jensen, Misha flew back to L.A. His character didn’t make an appearance in the next episode. Misha took the opportunity to spend some quality time with his wife. He didn’t want to neglect her.

Vicky waved his concerns away. “Don’t worry about it hon. I know you’re committed to this marriage. Besides, I have a girlfriend.” She wiggled her eyebrows.

This got Misha’s attention. “Oh? When did that happen?”

“A few days ago.” Vicky folded her arms as she leaned against the kitchen counter. “A woman came over to me at the coffee shop. She recognized me from my book, and complimented me on it. We talked, and there was an instant, mutual attraction. Before either of us knew, we were in bed together having some great sex.”

Misha inhaled a sharp breath. “Vicky, on your first meeting, you should be ashamed of yourself,” he said quasi appalled with mischievously shining eyes.

Vicky burst out giggling. “I know, I know.” Her eyes cast down to the floor in an almost shy manner. “I hadn’t been with a woman in ages.” She shrugged. “I kinda craved for it.”

Misha nodded in understanding. “Is she married?”

“Yes, she is.” Vicky pushed herself off the counter. She went to the fridge to take the leftover pasta from yesterday out. “They also have an open marriage, obviously, and they want to experience a threesome.”

“They haven’t done that yet?”

“No.”

“Well, I guess they have found themselves a great teacher.”

“Guess so.” Vicky put the pasta in the microwave to heat up, and tossed the salad. “Don’t you miss it, Mish? The threesomes?” She put the salad on the kitchen table.

“As strange as it may sound, but no.” Misha shrugged. “I don’t know why.”

Vicky studied him from behind her glasses for a full three seconds. The mechanical beeps of the microwave indicating the pasta was ready, made her turn around. She took two plates from the kitchen cabinet and put them on the table together with the heated food.

“Is it because of Jensen, maybe?” She pulled out a chair and sat down.

Misha sighed. “Honey, I honestly don’t know.”

“Okay.” Vicky reached out over the table surface to take her husband’s hand into hers. “Talk to me.”

Another deep sigh sounded through the kitchen. “Jensen isn’t into threesomes, and neither is Danneel. This may sound weird to you, but I’m glad about that.” He pulled his hand out of Vicky’s and scooped some pasta onto his plate.

“Why?” There was no judgment or disbelief behind that question. She genuinely wanted to know why he felt that way.

“When I’m with Jensen, I don’t want to share. I want to give him my full attention, and in return, I want his full attention. When we’re together, it’s just us. And while it’s all casual, and free, with no strings attached or some other emotional bullshit, I don’t think Jensen would appreciate it if I go to bed with other people besides you.” He played with the salad on his plate. “And I don’t really want Jensen to be with other people either, besides Danneel,” he mumbled the silent confession. _What the hell? He did not just say that._

“You’re in love.”

Misha jerked his head up and caught the smile that played on Vicky’s lips. “I most certainly am not,” he denied adamantly. He almost sounded offended she even suggested that.

“You keep telling yourself that, sweetheart. But I know you are.”

The ringing of the house phone brought an end to their conversation.

“That must be my new girlfriend.” Vicky stood up. She passed Misha and planted a quick kiss on his cheek. “It’s okay. Just be careful and don’t get your heart broken,” she whispered in his ear and patted him on the shoulder before going to the living room to answer the phone.

\-----

They didn’t talk about it anymore in the days that followed, but the words of his wife kept haunting Misha. He was still thinking about it when he boarded a plane back to Vancouver. Was Vicky right? Was he in love? His wife sure was convinced he was.

Misha was someone who was mostly drawn to someone’s personality. Of course he recognized a beautiful person when he saw one, and he could be attracted to the physical presence of someone, but he paid more attention to who someone was rather than what said someone looked like.

Jensen was a perfect example. He’d been baffled by the man’s gorgeous looks, and Lord knows how many times he had jerked off to his image. But it all had been on a very superficial level. Even the first times they had sex had been superficial, or at least, that’s what he thought. He wasn’t so sure anymore. Something had always been brewing beneath the surface, something deeper, something that came very close to real _feelings._

The more he had become to know Jensen, the harder he had fallen for who he was and they were way past the superficial by now. It was high time he acknowledged that little fact. What the hell had he gotten himself into here? He hoped this road he had taken didn’t lead to a heart shattered into a million pieces.

Misha suppressed a shiver when the cold Vancouver morning air hit him as he exited the plane. He patiently waited for his luggage and strolled with it rolling behind him to his car he had stored in the parking garage. Although it was shielded against most of the bitter cold, he hoped he had no problem starting it.

The car put up a fight, but finally gave in and roared to life. Misha carefully maneuvered it to the main road and drove to the set.

He could have left yesterday. Vicky had a date with the couple she had met, and she didn’t come home last night. She still wasn’t home when he left this morning which really wasn’t all that surprising since it was pretty early. He had no excuse not to leave yesterday other than he didn’t feel like being with Jensen. It’s not that he didn’t want to see him, because he did; he ached for him, but he needed to sort out his feelings first. He couldn’t do that when he was with him.

Jensen shot him a text yesterday to ask if he was going to come over. At first, Misha didn’t reply. He didn’t want to hurt the guy’s feelings with the truth. After a while, he decided on a small white lie. He said they had an unexpected visit from a friend, and he didn’t think it was right to leave when said friend drove such a long way to see them.

Jensen never replied back. Misha still asked himself why.

***

“Okay, Ackles, out with it. What’s wrong?” Jared followed Jensen into his trailer, and plopped down on the couch, waiting for an answer.

Jensen shrugged. “Nothing’s wrong, Jay. What makes you think that?” He tried to sound casual, but in reality his voice was strained.

“Oh, I don’t know. Let’s see, ummmm.” Jared acted like he had to think about it. “How about you haven’t said two words since Clif picked you up, and you have that look on your face like someone ran over your cat.”

“I don’t have a cat.”

“Exactly.”

“Jay.” Jensen sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “It’s nothing.”

“Sorry, I’m not buying that. It’s obviously something.”

Jensen rolled his eyes. He turned his back to him to make some coffee. Jared wasn’t going to let this go. He could always try to make up a lie; something trivial. It wouldn’t work. His friend would probably see right through it. They knew each other too well.

Being best friends with someone was great, but there was also a downside to it. They could never really hide something from each other.

Usually, he told Jared everything. Well, _almost_ everything. There were certain aspects of his life he would rather keep to himself for the sole reason it wasn’t anyone’s business, not even Jared’s. His recently discovered desires when it came to sex, was one of them.

“Is it Misha?”

Jensen tensed up at the name. He inhaled a sharp breath, and sure enough, Jared noticed.

“So, it _is_ Misha,” his friend drew the conclusion from his body language. “He didn’t come over last night or something?”

 _Damn it_. Jared knew him way too well. He nodded and started the coffee machine. Slowly, he turned back to face his friend. “I’m gonna tell you something and you have to promise me you’re not gonna breathe a word to another soul about it.”

“Okay.”

“I mean it, Jay. Not another soul.”

“Okay, okay.” Jared held up his hands. “I may have a big mouth and tend to blurt out something without thinking, but I can keep a secret. I haven’t told anyone about you and Misha, have I?”

Jensen shook his head. He searched for the right words to say what was bothering him without sounding like a jilted lover.

“Misha didn’t come over last night because he was still in L.A. Apparently, a friend visited, and he thought it was inconsiderate to leave when said friend had come such a long way to see him.”

Jared frowned. “Yeah, so? Sounds plausible. I mean, I would do the same.”

“I know, I know.” Jensen waved his arm. “But Misha has mentioned this so called ‘friend’ before. He sure comes over for a visit pretty often.” He spat out the words in a sarcastic manner.

“So, what? You think he’s lying or something?”

“No, not exactly that.”

“Then, what?”

“Misha was involved in threesomes in the past. Vicky wrote a book about it.” Jensen turned back to the coffee machine. He took two mugs, filled them with the freshly brewed liquid, and brought them to the living room area of the trailer.

“Oh. Wow,” Jared said after a few tense seconds. “So, now you think this friend comes over to…to…”

Jensen handed his friend a mug of coffee. The expression on the guy’s face was hilarious as he was searching for words.

“I don’t know what to think, Jay. Misha said he hasn’t done it in a while, but that was last year.”

“You have reason to believe he’s done it in the mean time?”

“Not really.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“The problem is that maybe he has sex with this ‘friend’. Misha and I never promised each other anything. No commitment, no exclusivity, nothing. It’s just sex.” He took a sip from his coffee mug.

Jared thoughtfully observed him. “Yet, you’re jealous.”

“I’m not…”

“Don’t even try to deny it, Ackles, because you are,” Jared interrupted him. “You can’t stand the thought of Misha with someone else besides his wife.”

Jensen gave up. Jared just hit the nail right on the head. He couldn’t stand the thought. He couldn’t even consider the possibility without wanting to throw up. It made him sick to his stomach with jealousy.

“I can’t do this anymore, Jay.” Jensen sadly shook his head. “If Misha indeed has sex with other people besides me, I can’t deal with that, and maybe it’s time to call it quits.” The thought of doing that, though, filled his eyes with tears. They burned behind his eyes, but he refused to let them fall in front of Jared. He was in over his head. But, he wasn’t in love. He wouldn’t go that far. He just wanted Misha for himself, that’s all. There was nothing more to it.

“You want my advice?” Jared pulled him out of his thoughts.

“No. But you’re gonna give it to me anyway.”

“Talk to him.”

“Seriously, Jay? That’s your advice?” Jensen huffed out a laugh.

“I mean it, Jensen.”

“Come on. Misha’s a free spirit. He’s like a wild horse. You can’t tell him what to do.”

“I’m not saying you have to tell him what to do. Just let him know how you feel, and maybe work out some ground rules when it comes to the both of you. At least then you know where you stand, and you can take it from there.”

Jensen let those words sink in. Maybe Jared was right. It was a bad idea to make any rash decisions without some form of communication first.

\-----

Misha wasn’t at the table read yet, which surprised Jensen. Where the hell was he? He could at least have the decency to be on time. Maybe he had some morning sex with his ‘friend’ before he left, and missed his plane. He closed his eyes when he realized how bitter and salty that sounded.

His head jerked up when Misha barged in five minutes later. “Sorry. I got stuck in traffic on my way over,” he said, slightly out of breath. He acknowledged Jensen with a nod and sat down.

Jensen’s eyes flicked to his hand. His heart skipped a beat when he saw Misha was still wearing the ring he had given him. That had to mean something, right? Maybe he jumped to conclusions earlier, and all his worries were unfounded. Maybe there really was nothing going on, and everything was just a figment of his own overactive imagination.

The read through went by without much of a hitch. There was some tension between him and Misha though. The guy clearly had something on his mind. All of Jensen’s worries surfaced again.

At lunchtime, Jensen was so wound up he couldn’t take it anymore. He grabbed Misha’s arm, and almost dragged him to his trailer. He needed some answers, and he needed them now.

“Wow, Jen, what’s going on?” Misha’s face was a mixture of bafflement and amusement with a little hint of confusion written on it.

Jensen folded his arms over his chest. He let his eyes roam over Misha’s body for just a second, and nearly lost all self-control when it hit him again how absolutely handsome the guy in front of him was.

“Are you still involved in threesomes, Mish?” Jensen cut right to the chase. No use in beating around the bush. That would get him nowhere.

Misha blinked in surprise. His features darkened.

“I don’t think that’s any of your business,” he said through gritted teeth.

Jensen was astonished. He could not believe this. “It’s not any of my…” He choked on his words. “We have sex for God’s sake. I think it is very much my business,” he said, voice low with anger.

The tension rose. Jensen could easily cut it with a knife as he still waited for an answer he wasn’t sure he wanted to hear.

Misha clenched his jaw. “I already told you I don’t do that anymore. So, no, I’m not involved in any threesomes. Satisfied?”

Jensen swallowed. He slowly released his breath he didn’t even notice he had been holding. Everything in him screamed Misha was telling the truth. But, he wasn’t done yet.

“Are you having sex with others besides me and your wife? Like with that ‘friend’ who comes to visit you so much?”

If Misha wasn’t angry before, he was now. No, correct that, he was fuming. Jensen wouldn’t be surprised if he saw steam coming out of his ears.

“What the hell is this all about?”

Jensen backed up a step. He had never seen Misha this livid. It scared him. Maybe he went too far with his interrogation. Or at least he could have handled it better.

A knock on the door interrupted them.

“What?” Jensen yelled, frustrated.

A PA peeked her head inside, and looked kind of spooked to find them both there. “Ehm, eh, they need you guys at the rehearsals.” She pointed a thumb over her shoulder.

“We’ll be there in a minute,” Jensen boomed with a nod.

“Okay then.” The PA knew better than to start an argument, and slunk back off.

Jensen turned his attention back to Misha. He gasped at the storm that was raging in his eyes.

“That ‘friend’ Jensen, that’s someone I met in high school. We’ve been friends ever since. He sometimes comes over for a visit and no, I don’t have sex with him nor with other people. Not that I owe you any explanations.” He took a step towards Jensen, and crowded into his personal space. “You and me, that’s just sex, right? So, what the hell do you care if I sleep with others besides you or my wife?”

Jensen gasped. The warmth of Misha’s breath on his face aroused him. His tongue darted out and licked his lips. He opened his mouth to say something, but the words were swallowed by Misha who fisted his shirt, pulled him against his chest, and crashed their lips together.

The kiss was heated, filled with rage. Tongues frantically danced around each other as they were sucked into the moistness of each other’s mouth.

Misha pushed Jensen back. He slammed him against the kitchen counter, and pushed his thigh between Jensen’s legs.

Jensen immediately reacted. He bucked his hips to create much needed friction to satisfy his hard dick while Misha was putting bite marks on his neck.

“Oh fuck, Mish. Yes, yes, yes, oh God.” He was close, and just as he was to spill his release in his pants, another knock on the door sounded.

They startled apart. “What?” they yelled in unison, their dark, stormy eyes never leaving each other.

This time it was Jared. “Guys, seriously, they are waiting for you.” His eyes flicked from Misha to Jensen and back. Understanding dawned on his face at the look of their disheveled selves. “Oh, I’m sorry.”

Misha backed away. “That’s okay, Jared. We’re done here. Jensen got the answers he was looking for.” With one last sad, but grim look, he turned around. He brushed past Jared and walked away with big strides, shoulders slumped as if he was carrying the weight of the world upon them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. See you next Monday.


	17. Reconciliation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy your weekly dose of Cockles :)

 

The rehearsals were a nightmare. Misha was glad for Jared who relieved the tension a bit with his endless pranks. He put in a positive note where ever he could to steer the attention away from what was going on between Misha and Jensen.

The little white lie Misha told Jensen yesterday just blew up in his face. Would it have been better if he had just told the truth? Probably not. If anything, if would have been worse. It would have left Jensen really spiraling out of control.

Misha didn’t quite know what to make of Jensen’s behavior. On the one hand, he was filled with a thrilling sensation that made his heart beat faster. Jensen was obviously jealous which meant he saw him as more than just a fuckbuddy. On the other hand, he was angry and…sad because Jensen didn’t trust him. How could he assume he was sleeping around? Not that he could really blame him for thinking that. But, damn it, he could have just asked him in a more mature way than dragging him to his trailer and throwing a temper tantrum the way he did.

They were released from the set earlier than expected. Misha grabbed his jacket and keys, and went straight to his car, completely ignoring Jensen who said ‘goodnight’. He wasn’t going to let this slide and pretend their argument didn’t happen. What Misha needed before he could even think of moving past this, was an apology. Jensen owed him at least that.

A sigh left Misha’s lips as he entered his apartment. He was contemplating ordering some Chinese take-out, when his phone vibrated with a text message.

With a frown, he pulled the BlackBerry out of his pocket. The corners of his mouth shot up when he saw it was from Jensen.

‘I’m sorry. Can we talk about this?’

There it was, the apology he was waiting for, and sooner than expected to his surprise. His fingers moved swiftly over the keyboard of his phone as he texted a reply.

‘Order some Chinese. Be there in an hour.’

The ‘Okay’ with a smiley emoticon came quickly and made Misha chuckle. He felt better already. How was that even possible if there weren’t feelings involved, which he so adamantly denied?

\-----

On socked feet and a smile from ear to ear, Jensen opened the door.

Misha threw his bag on the floor and handed him the bottle of rosé he brought to go with the Chinese food.

“You’re right on time. Our dinner arrived about five minutes ago.” Jensen led him to the kitchen.

Misha pulled out the barstool and sat himself down at the counter. His mouth watered at the delicious smell of Chinese take-out hanging in the air.

Jensen uncorked the bottle and poured two glasses. They dug in almost immediately. The silence that condensed between them was uncomfortable as the tension rose with every second time ticked away.

Misha waited. He would be damned if he was going to break it first no matter how unbearable it was.

Finally, Jensen succumbed under the strain. “Mish, I’m sorry.”

Misha lifted his head to look at him. He narrowed his eyes. “For what? For the questions you asked or for the way you asked them?”

“I’m ehm… For the way I asked them. I didn’t handle that very well, did I?” He huffed out a shy laugh without much humor to it.

“No, you didn’t,” Misha agreed. “Did you really think you couldn’t talk to me about it without being so aggressive?”

Jensen shrugged. “I don’t know.” He stabbed the noodles in the cardboard cup with his chopsticks. “I mean, you’re so free, so,…so worldly.”

“And somehow you feel you’re not enough for me, is that it? That I somehow have the need for others to keep me fully satisfied?”

“Something like that,” Jensen admitted without looking at him.

Misha pursed his lips to hide a smile. “Wow, Jen. You have a lot more of Dean in you than you realize. It’s either that or you’re experiencing some serious character bleed.”

Jensen heaved a big sigh. “I think it’s a little bit of both. I’ve always been rather insecure; always thinking I’m not good enough or that good things never happen without a huge price to pay. So, yeah, that’s the Dean in me. I guess me and him do have a lot in common.”

Misha sensed the shyness in him, and how hard it was for him to talk about how he really felt. It would be cruel to let him stew in his own juices any longer. It was time to put him out of his misery.

“Jen, look. The name of that friend is Darius. Like I said, we’ve been friends since like forever. He has a family of his own and lives pretty far away. We e-mail a lot and he sometimes comes over for a visit. There’s nothing between us.” He paused, taking a breath. Should he tell Jensen more or should he leave it at that? He decided on the whole truth. “There might have been more in the past, but that’s over now.”

“Is he the one who came over unexpectedly yesterday?”

Misha closed his eyes. Now what? Another lie? No, that wouldn’t be wise. If Jensen found out about it later, their argument from this afternoon would seem like a walk in the park compared to the fight they would have then.

“No one came to visit me yesterday, Jen.”

Jensen almost choked on his food.

“I’m sorry, what?”

Now it was Misha who couldn’t look Jensen in the eye. “I wasn’t completely honest.”

“Wait a minute.” Jensen waved with his chopsticks. “You _lied_ to me?” The tone in his voice was laced with disbelief. With how red his face became, Misha thought he was going to explode any minute. He could see how Jensen was trying his hardest to contain his anger as he jumped off the barstool and started to pace the kitchen.

“I hope you have a damn good explanation, Misha.”

“I didn’t wanna hurt you with the truth.”

“Which is?”

“I’m struggling with the exact same thing you’re struggling with and I needed some more time to sort it out.” He took a sip from his wine.

“And you couldn’t just tell me that?”

Misha shook his head. “Honestly? No. Not over the phone. So I made up an excuse, not knowing I made things worse.”

“Damn straight you did. And then you blame me for…”

“Hey!” Misha interrupted him. “I’m not the one who threw a temper tantrum like a five year old here. I was planning to talk to you about it, but then you dragged me to your trailer and the rest is, as they say, history.”

“Jesus fucking Christ.” Jensen ran a hand through his hair. His actions froze as if something suddenly registered. He frowned. “Hold on. Did you just say you struggled with the same thing I did?”

Misha jumped off his barstool. He walked over to Jensen and wrapped his arms around his waist. “Yes, I did.” He surged forward and kissed the surprise from his mouth. “Somehow, somewhere, we unknowingly crossed a line. I once said I don’t want to label what we have, but now I feel like we need to define it.”

“Yeah. We’re way past fuckbuddies. I think it’s time we admit that.” Jensen nibbled his lips. “Friends with benefits?”

“Mmm, no, I think we’re past that as well. “I think lovers comes close. Still no strings attached, no promises or no commitment, but I do want us to be exclusive, besides of course, the women in our lives.”

Jensen’s whole face brightened. “I’d like that.”

“I knew you would.” Misha pressed his lips to the pulse point in Jensen’s neck. “Now take me to the bedroom and fuck me,” he whispered against the tender flesh.

***

Jensen took his sweet time to fully undress Misha. He cherished every part of his naked body, breathing in the scent of his skin as he slowly dragged his tongue from his lips over his chest, and further down to his hardened cock.

The tube of lube Jensen retrieved before they had fallen onto the bed, was just within his reach. He coated his fingers, rubbed Misha’s rim and pushed in.

In this relationship, they were equals. Even though Misha was the more experienced one, there was never a question or an argument about who was going to top. They just went with the flow.

This time, Jensen was in full control. He loved taking care of Misha just as much as he loved Misha taking care of him.

He added another finger in the tight heat of Misha’s body, and soon found his prostate. The appreciative moan that bounced off the bedroom walls as he rubbed the sensitive nerves, put a smile on his lips. He kept up this teasing game until he could push in a third finger. By then Misha was reduced to a squirming, panting mess. Oh how he loved taking him apart like this.

“Fuck, Jen. I’m gonna…oh fuck.”

Jensen recognized the warning. He quickly removed his fingers, making Misha whine at the loss.

“Not before I’m inside you,” he said with a chuckle. “And turn around. I wanna fuck you from behind.”

Misha turned onto his belly and pushed himself up on his hands and knees.

Jensen lubed up his cock. He lined up behind Misha and guided it inside his waiting hole. He placed his hands on Misha’s hips and pushed further in. Misha’s body clenched around him as he slid home. He took in a deep breath as he concentrated on not coming instantly. As experienced as Misha was, he was still incredibly tight.

Misha rolled his hips, urging him to move.

Slow at first, but going faster as time went on, Jensen fucked Misha so hard, the headboard banged against the wall with every thrust. A sheen of sweat formed on his skin and cooled off the heated flesh. His thighs were burning with the physical exercise as he slammed into Misha. The pleasure of an imminent orgasm overrode the pain. He reached around Misha’s waist and took hold of the guy’s leaking cock.

The sounds of flesh against flesh mixed with joint moans of ecstasy as they both moved towards an orgasm, filled the room.

Misha climaxed first with a loud cry. Jensen felt the warmth of his cum pouring over his hand.

The orgasm caused his body to contract around Jensen, and made him tip over the edge as well. He threw his head back as he shot his load deep inside Misha with a primal growl.

Jensen was still fighting for air when Misha fell flat on his belly. His spent cock slipped out, and he fell on top of him.  

“Fuck that was amazing,” he whispered in Misha’s ear. He kissed the side of his neck, tasting the salt of his sweat.

“It always is,” Misha mumbled, and who was Jensen to argue with that?

***

Long shadows caused by the descending sun crept over the set. Since it was still winter, twilight set in pretty early.

Misha pulled his coat tight around him to shield him against the bitter cold as he strode to Eric’s so called ‘office’. He ran into Jensen along the way.

“Hey. You know what this is all about?”

Jensen shrugged. “Probably the confirmation we are renewed for a fifth season.”

“It’s supposed to be the last one, isn’t it?”

“The story arc is designed to end at season 5. Five seasons was Eric’s goal and if my instincts are right and this is about a renewal, Eric has reached that goal.”

It turned out Jensen’s instincts were spot on. They were given the green light for a fifth season. Clapping and cheers filled the small, crowded room. The joy they felt was overshadowed by a tinge of sadness. No one said it and no one asked the question, but they all knew it would be the last season.

Misha was asked to stay. He was upgraded to a series regular; a member of the main cast. He would be the third name on the call sheet, next to Jared and Jensen. It was Eric’s way of saying he had a soft spot for the angel and the man who portrayed him.

There were a few perks that came with this upgrade. He would get his own trailer, and Clif was given the task to pick him up as well to drive to the set.

Misha didn’t quite know how to feel about that last one for obvious reasons. How the hell were he and Jensen going to continue living together when they had to be at their own place when their bodyguard arrived?

The lazy morning sex, the stolen kisses at breakfast, the just hanging out together on the couch after a day’s filming. Misha was so used to this domestic bliss he had with Jensen, he didn’t want to give that up, and by the look on Jensen’s face, he didn’t want that either.

It all worked itself out the next Monday morning, February 9. They would be filming on location in White Rock, an hour outside of Vancouver.

Jared wasn’t going to be there. He had to be in L.A. for the premiere of the film he did last year. They were talking about it at lunch when Clif offered to pick Misha up for the ride to White Rock.

“That’s nice of you, but you really don’t have to do that,” Misha tried to decline the offer.

Clif however, wouldn’t take no for an answer. “Don’t be ridiculous.” He patted him on the back. “Be ready by 7.15. I’ll be picking up Jensen first.”

Misha exchanged a quick glance with Jensen and mumbled a ‘thank you’. He looked at Jared who was red faced with contained laughter. He almost choked on it.

“It’s not funny Jay,” Jensen said, irritation clear in his voice when their bodyguard had left the table.

“Oh come on. Surely you guys can do one night without each other, right? You do it all the time when Mish is not around for filming.”

Misha raised his eyebrows, and nodded. Jared got that right. He saw Jensen shooting his friend a death glare.

Jared’s eyes widened. He put up his hands in defense. “What? It’s true. It’s not gonna kill you. Besides, what’re you gonna do when we start filming next season?”

“We’re working on that.” Jensen took a bite from the turkey sandwich he got for lunch.

Jared chuckled. “Good luck with that.” He took his plate and stood up. “You two really should consider stopping trying to hide something that’s so obvious to everyone. Just sayin’.” With these words he walked away.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jensen yelled after him.

Jared didn’t turn around. He just held up his arm and waved his hand as he left.

With a frown Jensen turned to Misha. “What did he mean?”

Misha blinked. Did he really need to ask that? Was he that oblivious?

“He means people are talking, Jen,” he clarified. “There are rumors going around about us. Some even say they’re sure we’re together.” He shrugged. “They aren’t wrong.”

Jensen rolled his eyes. “They can talk all they want.” He wiped the breadcrumbs from his fingers. “As long as they don’t harass me with questions about it, I’m good.”

A PA came walking in and went straight to their table. “Hey guys. You’re needed on the set.”

They both stood up with their paper plates, which they threw away on their way out.

Misha knew this conversation wasn’t over yet. Jensen needed to face the fact that people were gossiping. The whole crew knew by now something was going on. Of course they weren’t sure what they thought they knew, they just knew.

As if that wasn’t enough, they still had to figure out what they were going to do when they started filming next season and Clif picked him up as well. He would be damned if he was going to give up on Jensen kissing him awake in the morning or making him coffee and the awesome morning shower sex they often had.

\-----

They didn’t hit the bar with everyone else that Friday night. Their plan was to spend an extremely lazy weekend together, running around in sweats, having sex, watching movies, having more sex, eat, sleep, shower and have some more sex, until Misha had to leave on Sunday evening.

But then Sunday evening rolled along, and Misha didn’t want to leave and Jensen didn’t let him.

The heavy make-out session that started on the couch, ended in the bedroom with Misha slowly rocking into Jensen, reveling in the pleasure and the orgasm that washed over him.

They laid in each other’s arms afterwards, still coming down from their joint height. Misha swore he was just going to let his eyes rest for a second before getting up and going home. He didn’t mean to fall asleep. He really didn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See you next Monday.


	18. NJ con and fan mail

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still on a high from the con in Hawaii even though I wasn't there myself. Cockles overload, yeah.
> 
> Not entirely happy with this chapter *sighs*

 

Jensen was pulled out of his sleep by a noise he couldn’t quite define. It was probably Misha’s alarm. “Can you turn that off please?” he groaned with a rough voice.

Misha clearly didn’t hear him, for there was that annoying noise again. It sounded vaguely familiar.

One by one, Jensen’s senses came back online. He peeled his eyelids open. Had he been dreaming or was that really… His train of thought was stopped by a seriously loud and steady buzz.

“Fuck!” He immediately sat up straight. His eyes frantically searched for the clock. It was seven in the morning. “Fuck!” And, oh shit, Misha was still here.

He jumped out of bed. His foot got tangled in the sheets. He tripped and tumbled to the floor. “God damn it!”

As fast as humanly possible, he scrambled back up and put on his boxers. All the time the buzzing continued.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, hold your fucking horses.” Jensen threw on his robe and hurried to the door. He picked up the handset from the entry door system almost yelling “yeah” through the intercom.

“Finally. Did you oversleep?” the mechanical sounding voice of Clif asked.

“Yeah, I did. I’m sorry. Come on up.”

“Maybe I can go pick up Misha first while you get ready.”

“No.” Jensen shouted. He closed his eyes. _Shit, shit, SHIT_.

“What?”

Jensen took a deep breath to calm himself. “That won’t be necessary. Just, come up, okay?”

“But what…”

“Clif, please.”

“Okay.”

“Right.” Jensen pushed the button to buzz the bodyguard in. He unlocked the door to his flat. A noise coming from behind him made him turn around. Misha stood in the doorway, looking disheveled, goddamn sexy and fucking adorable. It wasn’t fair.

“What’s going on?” Misha suppressed a yawn with the back of his hand.

Jensen’s jaw almost fell to the ground. Jesus fucking Christ on a cracker. “It’s Monday morning a little after seven and Clif is on his way up as we speak,” he snapped.

Misha squinted at him. The words didn’t seem to register. There was a lot of confusion going on on his face.

Jensen rolled his eyes. How it was ever possible Misha managed to be on time for work when he wasn’t with him to press his ass every fucking morning, was a mystery he still had to solve. The guy wasn’t exactly a morning person. He had figured out that much about him fairly quickly.

Finally, the whole situation dawned on Misha. His eyes widened. “Ooooh.”

“Yeah. Will you get your ass in the shower now?”

There was a knock on the door before it swung open and Clif walked in. He raised a surprised eyebrow at the sight of a still sleepy looking Misha.

Jensen knew how this looked. With him and Misha in bathrobes, on bare feet and looking like they just tumbled out of bed – well, they did just tumble out of bed in fact – a child could figure out what was going on, it wasn’t that hard. Jensen would insult Clif’s intelligence by trying to explain the scene the bodyguard just walked in on other than what it was.

“I guess that saves me the trip to Misha’s.” Clif looked from Misha to Jensen and back. “Well, what are you guys still standing there for, get ready.”

Misha turned around and padded away.

“Ehm, Clif. Do you maybe want to make some coffee?”

“Yes, Jensen, I will make some coffee in the meantime, and some breakfast to go,” Clif said around a sigh.

“Thanks.” Jensen followed Misha to the shower, cursing a lot of profanities under his breath.

\-----

Clif didn’t mention it or ask any questions during their trip to White Rock, much to Jensen’s relief. He only wanted to know if Jared was in on it, and mumbled a final ‘good’ when Jensen confirmed it. He never brought it up again. He didn’t even bat an eye when Misha exited the vehicle after Jensen, with the pretext his car was still here, when he dropped them back off that night. That excuse was shot to hell when Misha was still there in the morning and Clif said he didn’t mind if he caught a ride. From that moment on, Misha always rode to the set or to the locations they filmed at with them.

The problem of how they were going to keep up living together without one of them getting up at the crack of dawn to get to his own place, in time for the bodyguard to pick them up when the filming of next season started, was hereby solved.

***

Misha was back in L.A during the 8 days Jared and Jensen were filming ‘Jump the Shark’, an episode without the angel. He was sitting in his back yard, enjoying the warmth of early spring, while reading the script of episode 20. It was a good story, well written by Carver, and it told the tale of the man whose body Cas used as a vessel.

Meanwhile, he was scheduled for 6 more conventions. Two of them were during the summer hiatus which meant he didn’t have to miss Jensen all summer break long. There were still weeks they wouldn’t see each other though. That prospect already stirred something sad in his stomach.

\-----

Since Misha didn’t have to make an appearance at the con before Sunday, he boarded a plane to New Jersey on Saturday afternoon after a long, reassuring kiss from Jensen before he left for the airport.

Dead tired, he fell onto the bed in his hotel room. They had been filming ‘When the Levee breaks’ from dusk ‘till dawn, working hard to make the schedule. It was already 1 in the morning on Saturday when the final cut had sounded. Needless to say they didn’t hit the bar, but he and Jensen did have some lazy morning sex and then stayed in bed until noon.

He pulled out his phone and called his wife to tell her he arrived safely. They stayed on the phone for about an hour, and only ended their conversation when Jim showed up asking Misha if he wanted to go out to dinner with the rest of them.

It was after eleven when he arrived back in his room. He changed into his pajama pants and a ratty old t-shirt, crawled under the covers and decided to make a quick call to Jensen. He missed him, especially now. This was his very first convention. It would have been perfect if Jensen were here to share this experience with him.

“Man, go to sleep. You’ll need it, trust me,” Jensen said when Misha suppressed another yawn.

“You’re scaring me here a bit, Jen.”

A chuckle came over the line. “You have nothing to be scared of. It’s just that it’s gonna be pretty hectic, that’s all.”

“Yeah. I figured as much.”

“So, what’s first on the agenda? Breakfast with the fans?”

“Yes.”

“You do know that’s not actually have breakfast with a bunch of fans, right?”

Misha laughed. “Yes, I know the drill. They told me.”

“Good. Just, make sure to have some coffee first and eat something. You don’t wanna show up there with an empty stomach, believe me.”

“Okay,” Misha said around another yawn.

“And go to sleep for Christ’s sake.”

“I think that’s a good idea. Night Jen.”

“Night Mish.”

Misha smiled at his phone. He put it on the night stand and turned on his side. He was asleep as soon as he closed his eyes.

\-----

Misha was glad he had taken Jensen’s advice and got some food and coffee into his system before the ‘breakfast with the fans’ event. It would be pretty embarrassing if his stomach started growling in the middle of a conversation.

It went smoothly, but it was so rushed. These people paid good money to be there, but he was only allowed a few minutes of interacting with them.

The constant tapping on his shoulder by his handler indicating his time was up and he had to move to the next table, was starting to irritate him. He had to fight the urge yelling at her to stop doing that. It was so goddamn annoying. He constantly reminded himself it was not her fault. She was only doing her job to keep him on schedule. How nice would it be if the con was half as big though. Things would be a hell of a lot more relaxed.

Breakfast ran a little late despite everything. After that, it was the photo ops. His head was spinning with how they rushed the fans through that. Quick hug, snap picture, next. Some people asked for a specific pose which bought them a few more seconds than the ones who just wanted a simple hug. By the end, he didn’t even know how many people he had held in his arms.

The panel was the highlight of his day. This is what he loved; what he lived for. Being the center of attention was what he had always dreamed about but never dared to hope for.

He talked about the filming of ‘Lazarus Rising’, how the sparks of fire actually burned his scalp and how he had to try his hardest not to jump back when the squibs went off in his clothing to make it look like he was being shot at because they were so loud.

Castiel’s wardrobe was also something the fans liked to know more about, as was his poetry. They even talked him into reciting one of his poems.

He chuckled as he thought of something. He didn’t know if he was allowed to tell this, because it was kind of a spoiler since it happened Thursday during filming. It wouldn’t reveal anything about the storyline of that episode though, so he decided to go for it, and eased it into his conversation as soon as a question about pranks came up. He told how they got into trouble the other night because they were breaking windows at an old abandoned warehouse they were shooting at.

It was obvious the audience loved him. He got them eating out of his hand. Even though exhausted, he felt extremely lighthearted as he left the stage when the panel was over. It was such an adrenaline rush it kept him going during the rest of the day, and when he was still signing autographs at 9:30 in the evening, he knew why they had given him the day off tomorrow.

Still riding the high of a tiresome but very satisfying day, Misha flew back to Vancouver that same night; it didn’t matter how late it was. For a moment he thought about calling Jensen, but decided not to. It was already past midnight. With the crazy hours lately – 13-14 hour workdays weren’t unusual – and all the night shooting that seriously messed with their biological clock, Jensen needed every piece of uninterrupted rest he could get. So did he for that matter.

After a quick shower in his apartment in Vancouver, Misha made himself comfortable under the covers. He was dead to the world as soon as his head hit the pillow.

***

Jensen shot a quick text to Misha in the morning. He was dying to know how he had experienced his very first Supernatural convention. They had exchanged a few messages yesterday, and from what he had read in those, Misha enjoyed every second of it.

When Jensen didn’t get an immediate reply, he just shrugged. The guy was probably still asleep. He would get back to him when he was back in the land of the living.

During his lunch break, Jensen figured it was time to go through some fan mail. He couldn’t read all of it, not because he didn’t want to, but because he simply didn’t have the time. Usually, a PA handled all the letters, which was a full time job on its own, but from time to time, Jensen read a few of them himself, and so did Jared. These were their fans. Thanks to them, the show was still on the air. He often wished he could answer every single letter personally, but that was an impossible task.

Jensen and Jared were sitting in Jensen’s trailer as they went through the bag of fan mail addressed to both of them.

The ripping sound of paper as envelopes were opened or a soft snort of laughter as they read something funny, was the only thing that pierced the silence for about a peaceful half hour.

“Oh for Christ’s sake,” Jensen suddenly burst out. “I can’t fucking believe this.”

Jared looked up from the letter he was reading. A frown appeared between his brows.

“What is it?”

“You don’t wanna know.”

“Oh, I _do_ wanna know.” This time Jared’s eyebrows shot up.

Jensen took a deep breath. “It’s the same old song some of them are singing for almost four years now. The one where you and I are together.”

“That doesn’t make sense. I mean, it’s no secret you’re with Danneel and I’m with Gen.”

“Yeah.” Jensen waved with the letter. “But according to this fan, they are fake.”

“Wait, wait, wait.” Jared sat up straight. He pinched the bridge of his nose, apparently in deep thought. Jensen could almost hear him processing the information in his head.

“Okay.” He finally gave up. “Just, read the letter because I think I’m too dumb to understand.”

“Well, it starts nice enough, with how much she loves the show, blah, blah, blah. The usual. But then, the tone changes.” Jensen began to read a part of the letter out loud.

_‘It must be so hard for you to keep your relationship hidden like this because they think it would ruin the show if you came out. I think it’s wrong they shove these women down your throats and you have to pretend you love them. It must be exhausting when you really only love each other. We all know the truth. In my opinion, it would be better if you just came out. It’s 2009 after all. You two would be a lot happier.’_

Jared blinked. His mouth was literally hanging open. With wide eyes, he stared at Jensen, disbelief written all over his face.

“For the love of…”

“I know,” Jensen cut him off. “The sad thing is, they actually believe it.”

Jared shook his head. “I’m gonna put a stop to it,” he mumbled. “This has been going on long enough.”

“Oh really,” Jensen said, sarcasm dripping from the words. “And how exactly are you gonna do that?”

A shy glint appeared in Jared’s hazel eyes. “I wasn’t gonna tell you this before I had done it, but, I’m planning on proposing to Gen.”

This time it was Jensen whose mouth fell open. He closed it again and swallowed.

“Are you serious?”

Jared nodded vigorously. “Yes. Yes, I am. I love her, Jensen. She’s the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, wanna have kids with.”

The corners of Jensen’s mouth moved up spontaneously. “Then by all means, go for it.”

“I will. Don’t know when yet, but I will.” He squinted his eyes at Jensen. “Why don’t you do the same?”

“Ehhh, you mean marriage?”

“Well…yeah.”

Jensen jumped up from the couch. “Oh no. No, no, no. That’s…” He huffed out a laugh while he paced the carpet. “No.”

Deep wrinkles grew on Jared’s forehead. “Why not? You love her, right?”

“Yeah, but…”

A knock on the door interrupted him, followed by a PA who peeked her head inside. “Jared, you’re needed for a reshoot.”

“Okay.” With a groan, Jared pushed himself up. He stretched his legs a few times to loosen up the muscles. He turned to Jensen with the words “Just think about it,” and he left the trailer.

Jensen heaved a sigh. He dropped back onto the couch and let his head fall back against the cushions.

Marriage? Yes, he loved Danneel and he still saw her as the mother of his children, but, was he really ready to get married just yet? He was perfectly happy with how things were now. Why would he want to change that? Or maybe even ruin that? The open relationship he had with Danneel was working out fine, but would they make an open marriage work too? Would Danneel even want an open marriage? And if she didn’t, was he ready to give up Misha?

The answer to the last question was negative. Misha filled a space in him nobody could fill. He didn’t want to lose that.

 _Shit._ He realized that if he ever wanted to have children, he had to get married first at some point. It’s how it worked in his family. But it didn’t mean he had to do it right now, right? He still had plenty of time. Besides, Jared marrying Gen was probably enough to help some fans out of their delusions.

No matter how annoying they were, delusional fans weren’t what bothered him the most. What really rubbed him the wrong way, was the part of the letter he didn’t read out loud to Jared. It had shocked him and that was putting it mildly. He needed to find the PA who handled their fan mail and ask her if there had been more letters like this one. And if there had been, then why the hell didn’t she inform him about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 19 might not be ready by next week and if not, I will post it as soon as possible. Sorry, bit of a writer's block :( It's a struggle.


	19. Hate mail

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay guys. I only finished this chapter yesterday and while my awesome beta got it back to me, fully edited, the same day, I couldn't post it. I was so tired I couldn't even see straight anymore.
> 
> Jensen and Misha's first date is addressed in this chapter. If he had only told this earlier, I could have written a whole chapter about it. Now I had to go with a memory. 
> 
> And, just to be clear, the people I'm calling out in this chapter are not the wincest shippers. I have friends who ship it and they are great people. I'm calling out the anti's and the haters.
> 
> A huge thank you to everyone who took the time to comment. You guy's are the best.

 

Jensen was welcomed by the smell of a home-cooked meal as he entered his apartment. He found Misha standing at the stove on bare feet, wearing a pair of ripped jeans with holes and an old T-shirt, looking sexier than ever.

Misha had texted him earlier, to say he would come over and make dinner. Jensen realized he could easily get used to the scenario of coming home after a long work day and always have someone waiting there for him.

A grey cloud darkened his mood. Why couldn’t he have this? Well, technically he already had it, but it was only a part of the whole package. He wanted it all; he wanted everything.

He was angry with himself that he had allowed that thought to cross his mind. As much as he could, he pushed it back down, and replaced it with happier things, like being grateful for what he did have. They were together with Vicky and Danneel’s blessing, Jared knew about them and now also Clif. What more did he want?

“Hey Jen,” Misha greeted him with a quick glance over his shoulder.

“Hey.” Jensen walked over to him and wrapped both arms around his waist. He nuzzled his neck. “Mmmm, I missed this,” he mumbled, breathing in the lingering scent of Misha’s after shave.

Misha turned his head and stole a swift kiss from Jensen’s lips. “I missed you too.”

“So, what are you making?” With his chin on Misha’s shoulder, Jensen looked into the pots Misha was stirring.

“Brussels sprouts and salmon.”

“Smells good.”

“Tastes good too.” Misha stole another kiss. “You mind setting the table?”

“Not at all.” With a last sweet kiss at the back of Misha’s neck, Jensen released him.

\-----

With a lot of enthusiasm, Misha told everything about his first con over dinner. All the time, his eyes were shining with mischief and joy. He reminded Jensen of a kid in a candy store at Christmas.

After their meal, they worked together in cleaning up the remains, and put the leftovers in containers to store away in the fridge.

They brought Misha’s masterfully prepared crème brûlée to the living room, where they ate it sitting on the couch while soft music was playing in the background.

There was a question on Jensen’s mind, something he needed to know if Misha was aware of.

Earlier today, he had asked the PA who handled all their mail if there had been more letters like the one he had read. He was outraged when she had confirmed it. What was written in some letters was disrespectful at best and hateful at worst. It was one thing to dislike a character, it was another thing to write to the actor who played said character to go kill himself.

“I can practically _hear_ you thinking, Jen,” Misha broke the silence that hung between them. “What’s on your mind?”

Jensen shook his head. He scooped up the last of the sweet desert and put it in his mouth. It practically melted on his tongue.

“Do you…Do you ever read fan mail, Mish?”

Misha frowned. “Yes, I do. I used to read every single letter, but when it became too much, I let a PA handle it.” He pointed his spoon at Jensen. “You suggested that.”

“Yes, I did.” Jensen chuckled. He remembered giving Misha the advice to let someone else take care of the letters he received when he got buried underneath them.

“So? What is this all about?”

Jensen swallowed. He didn’t quite know how to address this. It was possible Misha wasn’t aware of it. Even he didn’t know until he had the misfortune to pick out that particular letter. If he had picked out another one, he would still be oblivious to the whole thing.

“Jen?” Misha pulled him out of his thoughts, still waiting for an answer.

“Oh. Yes, so…” Jensen cleared his throat. “Jared and I went through some mail during our lunch break and I read this letter from someone who didn’t… Who wasn’t…” He struggled to find the words. How did you say something like that to make it sound less hurtful?

“Who hated Castiel? Is that what you’re trying to say?”

Jensen’s head jerked up. “You know?”

A hint of disbelief glided over Misha’s face. Then he threw his head back and burst out laughing. “Of course I know.”

Jensen was confused. Here he was, wrecking his brain about how to tell Misha his character wasn’t loved by all fans and the guy laughed?

“Well, I’m glad you think that’s funny.”

“Oh, Jen. Of course not everyone likes Cas, and that’s perfectly okay.”

“It’s not just about Cas, Misha. In the letter I read, it wasn’t just about disliking Castiel. If it were, I wouldn’t have given it a second thought. I’m not naïve. But this was downright hatred and I’m sorry, but that’s not okay.”

“Still. People are entitled to their opinion.”

“Hate is not an opinion,” Jensen almost shouted. “And like I said before, it’s not just about your character. Sarah told me how in some letters you personally were attacked. If people dislike someone, fine, but that doesn’t give them the goddamn right to attack a person. That’s just so wrong on so many levels. That’s bullying.”

Misha pursed his lips. “Who gave the PA the right to tell you what was in my personal mail?”

“For the love of God, Misha, save it, okay? I forced her to tell me. And if I’m perfectly honest, I’m a bit upset you didn’t.”

“Because it’s not your problem, Jensen.”

“Like hell it isn’t”

“It really isn’t.”

Jensen jumped up, frustrated. “I can’t believe this,” he muttered.

“Jensen, look.” Misha pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’m sure a lot of famous people get hate mail.”

“That doesn’t make it right.”

“Okay, fair enough. But you getting worked up over it isn’t gonna change it.”

Jensen waved his arm. “I know, I know.” He took a deep breath. “I care about you, Mish. It hurts me when you get hurt.”

A grin from ear to ear split Misha’s face. “That’s so sweet of you to say.”

“Yeah, well.” Jensen found the tips of his socked feet suddenly a very interesting object of study. He felt the heat of a blush creeping over his cheeks. “It’s true, you know.” He shyly shrugged one shoulder.

Long fingers wrapped around his wrist and tugged him back down onto the couch. He was pushed into the cushions as Misha straddled his legs. “I think it’s time we burn some calories.”

Jensen hummed in agreement. “Sounds like a good idea.”

He knew this was Misha’s way to make him drop the subject. A very successful way, for as soon as Misha sealed their lips together, everything that had bothered him today from the moment he had read that letter and the hate that had accompanied it, disappeared to the back of his mind.

***

Sitting on his knees on the bed placed on either side of Jensen’s legs, Misha scissored himself open.

Jensen’s hands were on his thighs, his thumbs gently massaging the muscles, soothing, encouraging.

Misha fucked his fingers to make his hole ready. He wanted to impale himself on Jensen’s cock.

His eyes bore into the shining green ones of the man underneath him. Jensen’s freckles were prominent against his heated face. His mouth was partly open. Sometimes his tongue darted out and wetted his lips, leaving them glistening in the faint light of a streetlamp pouring inside through a crack in the curtains.

Years of silent conversation were spoken in the minutes it took Misha to get ready. At this point, they didn’t need words to communicate.

Misha retrieved his fingers. He repositioned himself and ever so slowly eased Jensen’s lubed up cock into his hole. The initial burn made him gasp. His breath hitched and his eyes fluttered closed as he got filled up inch by wonderful inch.

When he was fully seated, he opened his eyes. He returned the smile Jensen sent him. “You okay?”

Jensen nodded. “Yeah.” He bucked his hips once.

Their movements were slow at first but became more erratic as the seconds ticked away. Moans of joint pleasure echoed in the room as they rode the waves of ecstasy together.

Misha’s orgasm blindsided him. With a loud groan, he spilled his release over his hand with which he was tugging his cock. He moved the sticky fingers to Jensen’s mouth and let him suck them clean as Jensen was chasing his own climax.

With a languid kiss, Misha swallowed Jensen’s scream of his name as he tipped over the edge. The taste of his own semen on Jensen’s tongue almost made him half hard again and ready for round two.

They took their time to recover, reveling in post orgasmic bliss with the sharp scent of sex and sweating bodies hanging heavy in the air.

Misha was the first one to move. He strolled to the bathroom where he quickly cleaned himself. He took the warm washcloth to the bedroom. Tenderly, he cleaned Jensen’s cock and wiped away the dried up release on his stomach.

The used washcloth was tossed into a corner. Misha crawled onto the bed and nestled himself into the welcoming arms of Jensen. This time, it was him who needed the comfort. This time, it was him who needed to feel safe. This time, it was him who needed to be held because no matter what he led Jensen to believe, the hatred of some people did hurt. It hurt more than he cared to admit.

***

Jensen gently carded his fingers through the strands of Misha’s hair. It was soft to the touch, like silk. He loved making it stick up and then flatten it again.

Misha’s steady breathing told Jensen he was asleep. He tightened his grip and pressed a kiss at the top of Misha’s head that was tucked under his chin. God he loved this guy.

The realization hit him like a ton of bricks, yet it shouldn’t surprise him. It had always been there, condensing underneath the surface. He could actually pinpoint the exact moment he fell irreversibly in love with him. The shift from sexual attraction to something that involved feelings happened back in July, in the week following Misha hitting the bar with them for the first time.

Misha had taken him out to dinner at a restaurant in Vancouver. Jensen was in the middle of scanning the menu when Misha took it out of his hands and then ordered the three least ordered items on the food list for the both of them.

The recollection could still put a huge smile on Jensen’s lips. Oh how he hated him in that moment. There he was, giddy as a school girl because Misha took him out on a date and then ruined it all by doing a stupid thing like asking for the three least ordered items on the menu. If it had been a hamburger restaurant, he wouldn’t have minded it that much, but this was some new-age joint. Lord knows what was going to be on their plates.

His fears were well-grounded. They got sweet bread, brains, and a piece of meat he wasn’t sure he wanted to define.

Reluctantly and with Misha watching him, a cheeky grin on his lips and a devilish glint in his eyes, Jensen tasted everything. The sweet bread wasn’t all that bad he had to admit. Even the brains tasted somewhat decent. It was more the idea of it being brains that put him off and kept him from taking more than one bite.

By the end of their meal, he was in stitches. His cheeks hurt and tears of laughter were streaming over his face. He couldn’t remember the last time he had laughed this hard.

What he thought would be a disaster turned out to be the best date he had in ages. That evening, the crush he had on Misha turned into falling in love with him and it had taken him until now to admit it to himself. Things just got a hell of a lot more complicated.

The question now was, how did Misha feel about him? Sure, they had decided they were exclusive and what they had was defined as ‘lovers’, but what about _feelings_? Was he alone in this? With the domestic bliss they had going on, Misha had to feel _something_ , right?

A sigh left his lips. His mind drifted further off, to the hate mail. So, Misha was aware of it. He felt sorry for him. Misha had acted all cavalier about it, but his whole body language had told Jensen it did bother him on some level.

Jensen knew where it all came from. He did understand it to some degree. Fans were rather protective when it came to the brothers. They feared Cas would screw with Sam and Dean’s dynamics, which couldn’t be much further from the truth. The bond between siblings was different from the bond between friends. Yet, some people refused to believe that, or to understand that. To some, the brothers had to be joined at the hip at all times and they were only allowed to care about each other. Some even went as far as thinking Sam and Dean were in this weird, incestuous relationship and were fucking each other. Yes, Jensen knew about the slash fiction that was out there, and no, he didn’t read it. He just knew it existed.

But then, Cas happened and some felt threatened by the angel. Why? Because they all could see and mostly feel the chemistry crackling between Cas and Dean, a chemistry that came from what they had in real life. And they hated it, so they hated Cas and the man who portrayed him.

In his mind, Jensen played the last part of the letter he had read.

_‘It came to my attention the angel is going to be in the next season. What are the writers thinking? I hope they kill him off soon. This show is about two brothers hunting monsters. There is no need for a third party screwing that up. Maybe the actor could do the whole fandom a favor and fling himself off a cliff. It would save you two the trouble of working with him any longer. I know how much you must hate him for coming between you.’_

Jensen had cringed when he had read that. Disliking Cas was one thing, but this was a downright attack on a real person, a person who was his friend.

And where on earth did they get the idea he, or Jared, hated Misha? Oh, that’s right. Misha came between them, except there was nothing between him and Jared to come between in the first place.

Misha stirred in his arms. In his sleep, he turned to his side.

Jensen smiled. He pressed his chest against Misha’s back and slung an arm around his waist, playing the big spoon. Well, Misha wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon and neither was Castiel. The sooner the fans who weren’t particularly fond of him realized that, the better off they would all be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't promise an update every Monday (but I will try) but I can promise a regular update as soon as I have a chapter done and edited.


	20. The point of no return

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, bit late again. I'm trying to post a chapter every week. 
> 
> Again, thanks to my beta. She only got this chapter a few hours ago, lol.
> 
> Check the end notes for some true facts

 

The filming of season 4 ended the weekend of the Salute to Supernatural convention in L.A. Jared was already done. He got wrapped at 4 on Saturday morning. Jensen and Misha had to go back up on Monday for one more scene.

Misha had invited both Jensen and Jared to stay at his house. Vicky was out of town, so they had the whole place to themselves.

Since they had to be in the city for the convention, they missed the crew’s wrap up party. They held their own private party when Misha was back from the cocktail party with the fans he attended that Saturday evening.

Between the three of them, Jared was the most exhausted. No wonder, really. The guy didn’t get much sleep since early this morning. Misha thought it was a miracle he was still standing.

“Jesus, Jay, go to sleep,” Jensen said when Jared loudly yawned for the millionth time behind the back of his hand.

“I guess you’re right.” Jared suppressed another yawn. “We have to get up early tomorrow to meet the fans at breakfast.”

Misha chuckled. “I don’t envy you guys. At least I get to sleep in.”

“Oh really?” Jensen’s eyebrows shot up. “Don’t count on it.” He took a swig from the beer bottle in his hands. The way he first wetted his lips followed by wrapping them around the head made it look extra seductive.

Misha felt his cock perking up with interest. He grinned. “Is that a promise, Jen?”

The predatory look Jensen regarded him with told him enough. If he let Jensen get his way with him, they probably wouldn’t get much sleep. He shifted in his seat. The boner that was growing behind the zipper of his pants became uncomfortable.

“I really don’t need to hear this,” Jared said with a groan. He pushed himself up from the couch. “I hate you two.”

“Hey. It’s not just because Gen couldn’t be here we have to restrain ourselves for your sake,” Jensen yelled after him as Jared disappeared to the guest bedroom Misha had showed him earlier.

He turned his attention back to Misha. The glint in his green eyes had turned devilish. He reminded Misha of an animal that was going to attack any minute. His mouth went dry and an excited tingle stirred in his stomach.

“Keep this up Jen, and I’m going to come in my pants.” His voice was so hoarse he hardly recognized it.

His eyes flicked to Jensen’s crotch and he noticed the bulge in his pants. It all made things worse. He really was going to soil his boxers if he wasn’t going to be taken care of soon; he wasn’t kidding about that.

“Then what are we waiting for?” Jensen jumped up. “Race you to the bedroom,” he said and took off.

\-----

The sounds of heavy breathing filled the room as they traded sloppy, wet kisses while almost tearing the clothes off each other’s back.

Naked, they fell onto the bed.

Jensen didn’t waste any time. With his tongue, he painted a trail over Misha’s stomach all the way down to his cock. He lapped up the bead of precome pearling at the top, wrapped his lips around the head and sucked once.

Misha closed his eyes in pleasure. He was already so turned on he wasn’t going to last long.

A whine of protest left his lips when Jensen pulled off. He peeled his eyelids open and watched Jensen retrieving the bottle of Astroglide from his traveler bag before repositioning on the bed.

Misha’s eyes fluttered closed again when a lubed up finger circled his rim and then pushed past the muscle. The sudden intrusion made him gasp and he pushed back into the touch.

His cock was enveloped by wet heat. Soft velvet swirled around the head.

Sparks of lightning coursed through his body as the fingers inside of him found his prostate and started rubbing it in time with the suction of his cock. He was done for. This, he couldn’t take any longer. With a primal growl and the arching of his back he tipped over the edge, shooting his load in Jensen’s mouth.

Jensen sucked him through his orgasm until he begged him to stop. The oversensitivity almost killed him.

He was still spiraling down from his high, reveling in post orgasmic bliss, when his right leg was hoist up. Something hard pushed against his rim and slipped in almost effortlessly.

His eyes flew open and met Jensen’s green ones. They were shining with mischief as the man they belonged to slid all the way home.

“You little shit,” he said, but with a teasing edge to the words. “It was your plan all along to make me come before you fucked me wasn’t it?”

Jensen pulled back and slowly pushed in again. “That’s right. You think you can come again?”

“I don’t know. Everything is pretty sensitive right now and…” His sentence was cut short when his prostate was hit. He almost screamed.

“Shit! Fuck, Jen, don’t…don’t…don’t do that.”

“Don’t do what?” Jensen asked all innocent like. “You mean this?” He pulled back and hit Misha’s prostate again when he pushed back in.

“Fuck!” Misha was heaving for air as he tried to escape the hypersensitivity of the bundle of nerves buried deep inside of him. Jensen was so going to pay for making him go through this. A diabolical plan formed in his head. Oh yes, he was going to pay.

Misha couldn’t say he didn’t like what Jensen was doing to him though. It was sweet torture mixed with a sharp pleasure that turned him into a squirming mess.

Jensen managed to force another orgasm out of Misha as he pumped himself to completion.

Afterwards, he fell heavy on Misha’s chest, trying hard to catch his breath in the crook of Misha’s neck.

Misha held him tight, rubbing gentle circles in the flesh of the damp skin on his back, in a soothing, comforting manner. This was the man he loved; the man who could fulfill him like no other had ever been able to. Yet, the cards held no future for them.

If he was completely honest with himself though, he knew that wasn’t exactly true. They both held all the cards. If dealt right, they could have a future together, but a lot of people would get hurt in the process. It could possibly also ruin what they had going on so far which was nice, and it was good, but…what the hell were they doing? They had gone from fuckbuddies to exclusive lovers to actually loving each other. Unknowingly they had crossed the point of no return. There was no going back without a massive heartbreak. They were in way too deep. This could never end well.

***

The blaring of the alarm clock pulled Jensen out of his sleep. He blindly reached out his arm and hit what he hoped was the snooze button to shut the thing up.

He didn’t want to wake up and get out of bed. It was too cozy here under the blankets and with Misha’s warm body next to him. He scooted closer and pressed his chest against Misha’s back. He tangled their legs together and closed his eyes with a deep sigh. Just a few more minutes…

The next thing that woke Jensen was his phone. He groaned. Now what? Couldn’t everyone just leave him the fuck alone and let him sleep?

He turned around to take the phone from the nightstand. His eyes caught the hour on the alarm clock. The green illuminated numbers showed him it was 8:20. A.M. Great. Wait a minute. 8:20 in the morning? Shit!

He looked at the caller ID. It was Clif. Fuck!

He tumbled out of bed while answering his phone.

“What the hell is keeping you guys. You’re supposed to be here at eight,” Clif’s voice boomed through the line.

“I’m sorry, I overslept.” Jensen gathered some clothes and almost tripped over his feet while racing to the bathroom.

“Seems like that happens a lot to you lately,” Clif deadpanned. “Do I wanna know what happened?”

“Not really. I’m getting ready as we speak. Can you send a car?”

“Sure. You’re at Misha’s right?”

“Yes.”

“Now I _really_ don’t wanna know what happened. Be there in ten.”

Jensen showered and brushed his teeth at the same time. He bumped his knee painfully against the sink as he put on his boxers. Jumping on one foot he rubbed the sore spot, while cursing under his breath.

When he came back into the room, he found Jared already waiting for him and a very rumpled Misha sitting on the edge of the bed. He looked pretty confused, probably in the process of processing what the hell was going on. How was it even possible an almost 35 year old man could look this adorable?

“See you later Mish,” he said while he left the room with Jared on his heels.

“You are worse than a couple of high school kids,” Clif muttered as they jumped into the car. He turned the vehicle and joined the traffic of L.A. on the way to the convention hotel.

“You were supposed to wake me up,” Jared said. “Didn’t you set your alarm?”

“I did, but I probably hit the off button instead of the snooze button and drifted back off again.”

Clif chuckled. “Is that what you’re going to tell your fans who have been waiting for over half an hour now?”

“I swear, Clif, it’s the honest to God truth.” Jensen turned to Jared. “How did you wake up anyway?”

Jared waved his arm at their bodyguard. “He called me.”

“Be glad I did or you would still be asleep,” Clif said from behind the wheel. He stopped the car in front of the hotel entrance.

Jensen and Jared almost tumbled out of the vehicle. A couple of coffee cups were pushed into their hands – courtesy of Clif – before they went into the room filled with anxiously waiting fans.

\-----

As always at conventions, they ran a tight schedule, now more than ever because they had been forty minutes late to begin with.

The fans were nice about it though. They were patient and they understood. Basically, they forgave them. At least, that was the case until Danneel decided to show up.

Jensen figured it was weird. His fans would let him get away with murder, but not with his girlfriend sitting with him in the autograph room.

They didn’t say anything about it, but he could feel some were pretty annoyed by that. Later he accidentally overheard two fans talking about it.

_“What is she doing here?”_

_“Well, she is his girlfriend.”_

_“I know, and I get that. Still, it doesn’t give her the right to be here. She isn’t on the show.”_

_“Why does it bother you so much? I don’t care that she’s here.”_

_“Because I pay damn good money to be here, to see the boys, especially Jensen, and to have my photo taken with them. The autographs is the only chance we get to exchange a few words with them and she just ruined that by being right there.”_

_“And what would you possibly say to him you don’t want her to hear?”_

_“It’s just unsettling. I got that vibe from her like she’s checking up on him or something. Like the only reason she’s there is to tell us to back off.”_

_“I hate to tell you this, but you’re delusional. She’s nice.”_

_“I never said she isn’t. Besides, he gets paid for doing this, right?”_

_“Yeah. So?”_

_“So it’s his job and do you see me or you bringing our boyfriends to work?”_

_“Well, no, but…”_

_“Exactly. My boss would fire my ass if I did that.”_

The rest of the conversation got lost as they started to walk away from where he was eavesdropping. It made him sad he had to hear this. Maybe he should do what Jared was planning and propose to Danneel. Maybe they would be more understanding if it was his wife who was there instead of just his girlfriend.

***

Misha was living. This convention was as much fun as his first one. He loved being on stage, and the thing he loved even more, was his duo op with Jensen.

It was pretty awkward at first being there with him while they had some amazing sex not twelve hours ago. His mind constantly drifted off to that and made a familiar heat rise to his cheeks. There was no doubt he was pretty flustered at times, and the fans probably wondered why that was. He already learned not to underestimate them. They were pretty damn perceptive, like the ones he heard saying Jensen was not his usual self. They had never seen him quite this loose, instigating things like dancing on stage or saying outrageous things. He even out-goofed Jared. They asked themselves if he was on happy pills or still drunk from the private wrap up party from the night before.

Misha quietly chuckled. He had a more than decent idea why Jensen acted like he acted, but he wasn’t going to tell.

A girl with brown hair and a pair of purple glasses walked over to them for her photo op. Misha immediately noticed she was pretty shy. To put her a bit at ease, he gave her a radiant smile.

“Hi. I’m Jennifer,” she said in a small voice. Her breath hitched as she looked up at him. “May I have a hug, please?”

“Sure.” Misha grabbed her and tugged her close against his chest. Jensen wrapped both his arms around them and Chris snapped the photo. It was over in a matter of seconds.

“Thank you,” Jennifer muttered, voice hoarse with emotion. She walked away, tripped and would have fallen if Misha didn’t grab her by the arm to hold her steady.

“Wow, easy there. Be careful. Are you okay?” He searched her face. The poor girl was beet red and her brown eyes were shining with embarrassment behind her glasses.

“Yes. I’m…I’m fine. Thank you.”

Misha released her arm and winked after which she turned around and almost ran out of the room.

“Nice reflexes there, Mish,” Jensen said with a nod.

Misha grinned. “You know all about it, don’t you Jen.”

He wanted to say so much more, but couldn’t because another fan was already there for her photo op.

\-----

As soon as they were done at the convention, Misha and Jensen hopped on a plane back to Vancouver. They had to be on the set early the next morning.

Totally drained from an exhausted but fun Sunday, they had some amazing shower sex, also to get rid of the last ounces of adrenaline that coursed through their bodies, before they crawled under the blankets in the bed at Jensen’s apartment.

This was the last time they spent the night in each other’s arms before they would go to the convention in Australia in two weeks.

\-----

The filming of season four was officially done in the afternoon the next day.

Jensen and Misha said their goodbyes with a languid kiss in Jensen’s trailer. They would fly home today. For Jensen, that was Texas and Misha would go back to L.A.

Neither of them said it, but they both thought the exact same thing. They were going to miss each other, and not just each other, but the life they had built here, a life separate from their normal lives at the place they called home.

It was in the seclusion of his bedroom in L.A. that Misha finally allowed the tears that had been pricking behind his eyes ever since he stepped on that plane in Vancouver, to fall. Again he asked himself what the hell they were doing. How could this ever end well?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: J2 were late for their breakfast with the fans at this con and Jensen did act unusually happy. Maybe Misha did have something to do with it for this was Misha's second con but the first one he did with Jensen :)  
> Yes, another true fact is that Danneel was there too and some fans did ask to have her removed. Sad but true :(  
> Another true fact is that Jared was wrapped at 4 in the morning on Saturday and Misha and Jensen had to go back up on Monday for some final scenes.


	21. Hiatus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long this time. But here it is.
> 
> Also thank you so much for all the comments :)

 

Every year at the end of the filming season, Jensen reflected on what was behind him. The long flight to Australia was the perfect opportunity to do this.

A lot happened in the past ten months, with a certain blue eyed sex God at the center of it all. It was mind boggling how fast they had gone from strangers to exclusive fuck buddies to what Jensen defined as love. It had taken him a while to admit that to himself and to come to terms with it. Now that he had, he didn’t know what to do with it.

_Damn it_. With a sigh he let his head fall back against the hard cushion of the seat. He mindlessly looked out of the tiny window. A thick blanket of fluffy white clouds pulsed underneath him.

He had worked himself into a whole lot of trouble with allowing himself to fall in love, didn’t he? No matter how you looked at it, he was in a relationship with Misha. It wasn’t only hard, but it also was confusing as hell to juggle two relationships. Was this really what he wanted?

If someone had told him in the past that he, at one point in his life, would find himself in an open relationship, he would have laughed his ass off.  He was a traditional kind of guy who would not stand for the person he was with to be with others besides him. It wasn’t selfish, it just was how monogamy worked. Yet, here he was, living the poly lifestyle. It wasn’t by choice though. It was just the only way he could have a relationship with Misha because of the man’s marital status.

Jensen still considered himself monogamous despite everything. He didn’t want to share Misha with anyone besides Vicky. He didn’t even want to share Danneel, but it would be pretty hypocritical to deny her to have others while he had Misha on the side.

He had been given two options when this whole thing started. Either he broke if off with Danneel and throw away his chance of becoming a father one day; always coming second after Misha’s wife without ever having a first relationship himself, or he sucked it all up, get past his jealousy where Danneel was concerned and just went with it.

He knew one thing for sure. If Misha had told him they weren’t exclusive and he wanted their relationship as open as his marriage, he would have ended it. Sharing Danneel was already difficult. Sharing Misha too? No. That would eventually break him.

“You okay? You seem miles away.” Danneel took his hand in hers.

Jensen turned his head and gave her a smile. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just lost in thought.”

Danneel had decided last minute to go with him. Since she wasn’t an invited guest to the convention she obviously had to pay for her flight and the hotel room.

Jensen had made the mistake of offering to pay for the whole trip. She had almost bitten his head off, scolding she was an independent woman who was perfectly capable of paying for herself thank you very much. Yeah, he should have known better.

“I hope you don’t mind me joining you.” Danneel gazed at their woven hands.

Jensen frowned. “No. Why on earth would I mind?”

Through her long eyelashes, Danneel looked up at him. “It’s just…” She sighed. “You haven’t seen Misha in two weeks. I would totally understand if…”

“Hey. No. None of that,” Jensen interrupted her. He put a finger against her lips to shut her up. “I’m glad you’re with me.”

“Really?” Danneel’s face brightened.

“Yes, really.” Jensen was surprised she doubted that. He surged forward and captured her lips in a reassuring, sweet kiss.

***

A knock on the door pulled him from his nap. Misha blinked his eyes open. A bit disoriented, he looked around. It took him a while before he realized where he was.

With a groan he got up from the bed. Jesus, what time was it? Jet-lag was a bitch. His whole biological clock was messed up.

Sleep drunk, he stumbled to the door, chasing away the cobwebs in his head. He swung it open and gasped at the sight of a grinning Jensen sporting a full beard.

Still in the middle of processing that information, he was pushed back inside while the hotel room door closed with a thud. Pressed against the wall, a mouth was placed on his. A tongue forced his lips apart and demanded access.

All Misha’s senses sprung back online at once. He answered the kiss with as much passion as it was given. Tongues frantically danced with each other as their lips moved in perfect harmony.

They only broke the kiss to get some air before they passed out from the lack of oxygen.

“God, I missed this,” Jensen said, voice rough and overflown with desire. He dove in for another kiss and pushed his thigh between Misha’s legs.

Misha took full advantage of it. He bucked his hips, rubbing his clothed cock over the firm muscles of Jensen’s upper leg.

“Yeah. That’s it, Mish,” Jensen whispered in his ear. He nibbled his earlobe. “Come for me.”

The warmth of an orgasm pooled in Misha’s belly. It exploded with one final buck of his hips. A languid moan escaped from his mouth.

Breathing heavy, he let his forehead rest against Jensen’s shoulder, who held him tight as he shuddered through his ecstasy.

Damn that man. He made him lose all control like a horny teenager. There were not a lot of people in this world who could do that.

When his breathing returned to normal, he pulled his head back and looked into mischievously glistening green eyes. Only now he noticed Jensen was wearing his glasses.

“Nice disguise there, Jen. You travelling incognito?” he teased.

Jensen chuckled. “What? You don’t like it?”

“Oh I like it all right. You look very sexy.”

“Thanks.” Jensen sealed their lips together for yet another heated kiss.

Misha spun him around, taking control of the situation. He made quick work of opening Jensen’s pants with skillful fingers, and sagged to his knees, pulling both the jeans and the boxers down with him.

Overeager to taste him after two weeks, he hungrily took Jensen’s erection in his mouth, giving him a blowjob which he hoped was the best one yet.

\-----

The con officially started the next day. Jensen and Misha didn’t lose sight of each other. Their eyes always unconsciously scanned the room, and when they met, shy smiles were exchanged.

There were casual touches that weren’t so casual and all because they had a hard time keeping their hands to themselves. Everyone who wasn’t blind could see these were two men in love.

Perceptive as always, fans picked up on that. How could they not? The real life chemistry between them was as obvious as a bright shining sun on a clear summer’s day.

With that, another rumor mill was slowly set in motion. There was a shift in the fandom. Those who were sure Jensen and Jared were in a secret relationship and called their girlfriends fake, were furious because they saw Misha as an intruder who tried to break the J’s up.

Others defended Misha against these accusations because there was nothing between Jensen and Jared to ‘break up’ to begin with. If there _was_ something going on, it was between Misha and Jensen.

Misha was made aware of all of this. He thought it was funny because, let’s be honest, one side wasn’t completely wrong. It made him be careful with what he did and said though, which was easier said than done.

He didn’t tell Jensen about it. The guy seemed completely oblivious to the whole thing. No need to bother him with it. Jensen was fine as long as the rumors of them being together were confined to the set, but if he learned it was now out there, he would worry his head off those rumors would reach his conservative family in Texas. Misha still didn’t understand what he was so afraid of. He had a lesbian aunt. What was the problem?

The answer to that question was the same as it always had been: Jensen was hiding behind a mask without any indication of dropping it anytime soon. It was a recipe for disaster. Misha was sure it would all blow up in Jensen’s face one day, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to be there to witness it when it happened. It wouldn’t be pretty to see it all come tumbling down or, worse, get caught in the crossfire.

With Danneel there, they didn’t sleep together but, awesome as she was, she allowed them to share their last night in Australia with each other. After they flew home, they wouldn’t see each other for the next six weeks, until Asylum 3.

***

Jensen pretty much hibernated the first week after the Australian con. Once his body was fully recovered and he caught up on his sleep, he spent the days with Danneel and they often hung out with Jared and Gen. It all kept him from missing Misha too much.

Almost every minute of every day, he wondered where Misha was and what he was doing. He knew he was going on his annual trip to Nepal right after they came back from Australia, but he was back now. Misha had texted him that yesterday. Apart from that and the phone call before he left, Jensen hadn’t heard from him. It drove him up the wall.

By the time hiatus was half way through, Danneel had enough of it. They were all sitting at a picnic table, enjoying a beautiful, warm day and some cold drinks.

“Christ, Jensen,” she said with a sigh. “Invite him over. I hate to see you like this. You act like your best friend just died.”

Jensen shot her a horrified look. Was he that easy to read? Was the way he behaved that desperate? Besides, invite Misha over? Was she kidding?

“Are you kidding?”

Danneel blinked with surprise written all over her face. “No I’m not kidding.” She nudged his arm. “Come on. It’ll be fun.”

“At least call him,” Jared chimed in. He took a swig from his cold beer.

“I’m not gonna call him,” Jensen grumbled under his breath. “If he doesn’t care enough to pick up the phone to call me then he can stuff it.”

“Hmmmm, he probably thinks the same way about you Jensen,” Gen deadpanned. “For all we know he’s as miserable as you are because you idiots are both too stubborn to make that first call.”

Jensen adamantly shook his head. “No. No, no, no. Misha isn’t like that. He doesn’t care about me the same way I care about him.”

Danneel took his hand. “I’m pretty sure he does, Jensen,” she said softly. “I’ve seen firsthand the way he looks at you. It’s the same way Jared looks at Gen.”

Again, Jensen shook his head. He huffed out a small laugh. “You’re seeing things, Dani.” He clapped his hand together in order to change the subject. “Now. Who wants ice cream?”

With a mental note of what flavor everyone wanted, Jensen went inside to order. He had to hide his real feelings better or soon not only his friends, but the whole town would know about it. He still vividly remembered the Austin Peck debacle. There was no need to put his family through that kind of gossip again.

Jensen tapped his fingers on the wooden counter as he watched a waitress make the ordered ice creams. His mouth watered at the sight of the banana split Jared asked for.

The urge to call Misha welled up again. It became more prominent every day. Maybe he should swallow his pride and make that damn call.

“No,” he silently admonished himself. It was very clear Misha didn’t want to hear from him while he was with his own family or he would have picked up the phone himself. And you know what? It was for the best. They couldn’t exist outside of Vancouver or hotel rooms at cons. Why make things unnecessarily complicated by visiting each other outside of work? They had to keep things separated.

_“A call isn’t exactly a visit”_ an annoying voice in his head mocked.

Jensen took in a deep breath to keep himself from groaning out loud. _Shut. The. Fuck. Up._

The waitress put the last bowl of ice cream on the tray. Jensen paid for it with a smile and took it outside to the picnic table they were sitting at.

He was glad his friends seemed to have dropped the subject of him and Misha. Good. He prayed they kept it that way. It was his business and his problem, and his alone. He would deal with it in his own way.

***

Cycling and running didn’t cut it anymore in the effort of keeping Misha from missing Jensen. He might as well throw in the towel and admit to himself that he genuinely missed him. Even the filming of ‘Stonehenge Apocalypse’, a movie for the SyFy network he had agreed on to do during this hiatus, didn’t help. 

“Oh Lord. What _am_ I gonna do with you two.” Vicky put two large glasses of homemade lemonade on the patio table before dropping into a chair next to her husband.

Misha reached for his glass and took a sip. The ice cubes floating around in it left a cold sensation against his lips. “What do you mean?”

“I mean that you should call Jensen.”

Misha laughed. “And why would I do that?”

“I don’t know.” Vicky casually shrugged. “Maybe because you miss him.”

Misha took another sip. “I don’t.”

“Yes you do.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Do.”

“Do not.”

“Do.”

“I most certainly do…” He cut himself off. With a sigh he let his head fall back against the chair. “You’re right. I do.” No use in denying it any longer. Why keep lying to himself while both he and Vicky knew the truth?

“I’m always right,” Vicky said with a chuckle in her voice. “Now we got that out of the way. Call him.”

Misha raised his eyebrows at her. “I’m not gonna call him.”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t wanna come across as…desperate.”

Vicky’s laughter pierced the silent garden. “Since when does calling a friend equal being desperate?”

“Since he’s not just a friend.” Misha squinted his eyes at the slowly descending sun painting the blue sky with shades of pink and orange. The chill twilight brought made him shiver.

“In all seriousness, Misha, you should call him.”

This got Misha’s attention. When his wife became earnest, she meant business. He straightened in his chair and turned to her. “Okay, you got me. You wanna tell me what’s going on?”

Vicky took in a deep breath before answering. “Unlike you and Jensen, Danneel and I actually call each other. I just got off the phone with her. Jensen had LASIK eye surgery today.”

“Yeah, so?” Jensen had told him he was planning this during hiatus. He tensed up. “Nothing went wrong, did it?” Dread washed over him. The thought that something awful might have happened to Jensen’s beautiful green eyes was almost too much to bear.

“Nothing happened. He’s fine.” Vicky waved her arm. “He’s not in pain or anything. He’s just experiencing some discomfort but that’ll be over tomorrow.”

Misha relaxed again. It still didn’t answer why Vicky wanted him to make that phone call. It came out of the blue in the form of a whisper like she was sharing a secret.

“Danneel told me Jensen misses you as much as you miss him.”

The words so softly spoken lingered between them. They warmed Misha from the inside out. He could feel it vibrating in his chest cavity. A faint smile formed on his lips but faded again with his next question.

“Then why didn’t he call me?”

“Because you are both stubborn idiots who need to get their head out of their asses, that’s why.” Vicky jumped up from her chair. With her legs spread and her arms folded over her chest, she looked down at him. “Now you call him or I swear to God I will do it for you.” With these words she walked away and went inside.

Misha rolled his eyes. He let out a sigh. Ah well, why not. He finally caved, took his Blackberry off the patio table and called Jensen.

They stayed on the phone for two hours, both glad to hear each other’s voice but neither saying as much.

Misha got the whole story about Jensen’s eye surgery and he expressed how much he was going to miss seeing him with his glasses in the morning or in the evening after filming.

He almost fell off his chair laughing when Jensen told him the tale of how he was golfing with Jason when Danneel rang him saying she bought a dog; a cockapoo to be exact, and he had no idea what the hell that was. It turned out to be a part poodle part cocker spaniel kind of dog.

“A white bundle of energy named Icarus who always bounces like a meter high whenever he sees me,” Jensen said.

Misha had to wipe the tears of laughter from his eyes at the adventures of Icarus who looked like a stuffed toy when Jensen first saw him and how what he lacks in masculinity he makes up in personality. It was obvious Jensen loved him though. He already had him as the wallpaper on his phone.

They ended the call with the promise to call more often from here on out. Of course it didn’t beat being physically around each other, but it made hiatus a hell of a lot more bearable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep, I have another chapter ready. So, next update is next Monday.


	22. An anniversary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MERRY CHRISTMAS. I hope Santa brought you what you asked for :)
> 
> Meanwhile, between all the holiday cheer, here's a new chapter for you.

 

Asylum in Birmingham was fun but hectic and, most of all, chaotic as hell, not to mention exhausting. Since Jensen had visited Paris and Scotland before heading to the convention, he was already used to the time difference when he arrived.

He watched Misha’s panel from the side and was baffled by the image he had created. He profiled himself as this bubbly personality, cheerful and weird, full of jokes and laughter. It was only a facade. True, Mish _was_ a bit like that, but if you cared to look deeper, you would find a shy man, someone who did his best to please everyone and tried to make the world a better place to live. He was a very sensitive person who got hurt pretty easily.

Jensen defined the feeling that was tingling inside of him as sadness. He knew exactly why Misha put up these protective walls and showed the fans someone he was not. It was to shield himself from the hate he now knew was out there. He acted like he couldn’t care less what people thought about him, but Jensen just knew it affected him more than he wanted to admit.

During their stay in Birmingham, one hotel room was left completely unused. They spent the nights in each other’s arms. After not seeing each other in such a long time, the sex and the being together was better than ever. They made the most of it. When this convention was over, it would be another month before they would meet again. Jensen wasn’t particularly looking forward to being parted again.

\-----

There was a lot of truth in the saying ‘Absence makes the heart grow fonder’. Jensen experienced that firsthand during this hiatus. He spent most of his time thinking about Misha when they were apart. It was aggravating, but most of all frustrating. Why couldn’t he just be with Misha? It was a rhetorical question. He knew why. He knew that very well.

He was often angry with himself. Him and himself alone was responsible for the shitty situation he was in. He had created that all on his own.

There were times he asked himself why he hadn’t put a stop to this before it was too late. Yeah, right, like that was even possible with all the sexual tension that had simmered between them from the very start. The explosion had been inevitable. Okay, so, that was true, but once they had resolved that, they should have ended it.

 _Christ fucking damn it._ He kicked the ball of hay in the stable where he tended to the horses, to get rid of some of the pent up anger that coursed through his veins. For someone like him who was raised in a conservative family, this was all pretty messed up to say the least.

All his questions and all his doubts disappeared over the horizon when Misha called to ask him if he wanted to come over and stay with him the last week of hiatus. Vicky would fly to Europe on a vacation with one half of the couple she had a secondary relationship with. And, of course, Danneel also had to agree with it.

Danneel told him to go for it. She had a modeling job in New York and couldn’t be with him anyway, so, why shouldn’t he spend that time with Misha and then fly with him to Vancouver in time for the filming of season 5?

And that’s how Jensen found himself buck naked and flat on his back on Misha’s bed seven days later, with his hands tied at the wrists to the headboard, squirming and begging for release when Misha pulled off once more just when he was about to orgasm.

His forehead was glistening with sweat. A lonely tear escaped from the corner of his eye, ran down the side of his face and dripped in his ear.

Well, he _did_ ask for it. They talked about it when he arrived here. He really wanted to know what edging was all about like Misha had promised once to show him.

He never thought it would be this intense. Never in his entire life had he experienced something like it. Misha constantly drove him to the very edge and just when he was about to tip over, he yanked him back again…and again…and again until Jensen was sure he couldn’t take it anymore. It was a sweet kind of torture, and he loved every second of it.

“Please, Mish. Please.” His breath came in short puffs. It was almost too hard to form a decent sentence as all coherent thinking had left him at this point. He was floating in a headspace that came close to euphoria. It was so fucking glorious he wanted to stay there forever. He was on a high that was better than drugs.

“Shhhh. It’s okay. I got you.” Misha’s voice was soothing. Jensen was so lost in an endless pleasure it was only vaguely audible. He grasped it and hung onto the meaning behind the words. Misha would take care of him, he trusted him.

Misha’s mouth was hot as it cherished every inch of his body. He moved up and down, his tongue trailing over the sensitive skin. Jensen felt goosebumps forming on his flesh.

His cock was aching. He bucked his hips, desperate for some friction. He needed to come so badly that he was sure it would only take two firm strokes to get him there.

Lips were wrapped around his cock once more and sucked down. Jensen cried out from a pleasure so sharp it bordered on painful.

The pressure in his belly grew. It built and built and this time Jensen was sure Misha would finally allow him to come.

Just when he was about to explode, it stopped. The warmth of the imminent orgasm slowly ebbed away, yet semen pulsed out of the tip of his cock. He came, but with none of the usual pleasure because Misha had pulled away right that very moment. It was the most horrible thing in the whole world.

Jensen suffered his way through it. He thrashed on the bed, bucking his hips into thin air and so very desperate to take his cock and to stroke it through his ecstasy.

He was crying. He was a grown man and he was _crying_ because he was denied a mind blowing climax and was given the most unsatisfying orgasm of all time instead.

Misha untied him and gently rubbed his wrists. With his thumb, he smeared the wetness the tears had left on his cheeks. “Are you okay?”

Jensen nodded, not sure he was able to say anything. He watched as Misha left the room and came back with a small bottle of orange juice and something that looked like chocolate.

“Here. Drink this.” Misha unscrewed the bottle and pushed it into his hands.

“I don’t want any,” Jensen said, voice hoarse beyond recognition. He felt funny. Why did he feel funny?

“Please, Jen. You have to.” Misha looked at him, eyes pleading.

“Why?”

“What we did was pretty intense. Your body released a bunch of happy chemicals from your brain. Orange juice is high in simple sugars. It will give your body a boost as it’s adjusting to the loss of those happy chemicals. In BDSM circles it’s called aftercare.”

Jensen almost choked on his drink. “You’re worried I’m gonna have a sub drop or something?” He laughed. That was ridiculous. He wasn’t a submissive…was he?

“It is possible, Jensen. I don’t wanna take any chances. Now, finish it.”

Jensen didn’t realize how much he needed it until he gulped down half the bottle at once and was surprised at the sudden craving for the chocolate Misha had brought.

“You’re amazing, you know that?” Misha unwrapped a bar and started feeding it to him. “So fucking amazing.” He leaned forward and softly pressed his lips against Jensen’s. “Turn on your stomach so I can give you a massage you so rightfully deserve.”

Jensen complied willingly. He put his head on his folded arms and let his eyes flutter closed as he enjoyed Misha rubbing his back.

The events of the evening flooded his brain. He replayed what he had gone through again before his mind’s eye, and tried to analyze it.

Misha had taken him to a place he had never visited before. Maybe he had been in subspace. There was no other way to explain the enormous high he had experienced. If he wasn’t careful, he could get addicted to it. Those were his last thoughts before he drifted off to sleep.

***

Soft snoring sounds told Misha Jensen was out like a light. He tenderly watched him a few more seconds before he got up from the bed to retrieve some blankets from the closet.

He threw the covers over both of them as he snuggled next to the man he loved.

Jensen had been so great tonight. Misha had always suspected there was a submissive hidden inside him. He had already seen glimpses of it in the past, but tonight he had managed to pull him out in all his glory. The way he had given himself to Misha, so freely, so full of trust, had blown his mind.

There was no doubt Jensen had gone into subspace. He was a bit worried now though. It was possible Jensen would experience a drop despite the orange juice, the chocolate and the massage, and not so much physically, but emotionally. That’s why he needed a few days off with him. It wasn’t wise to experiment with it when they were filming. It would be a fucking disaster if Jensen dropped in the middle of shooting a scene.

\-----

Misha didn’t know he fell asleep until he was woken by a gentle nibble of his lips. He opened his eyes and looked into the green ones of the man he had grown to love in ways he never suspected was possible.

“Good morning,” he said with a sleepy voice. “How are you feeling?”

The smile Jensen gave him was sweet. “I’m fine.” He scooted closer and pressed his hard morning wood against Misha’s thigh. “And fucking horny.”

Misha chuckled. “Yeah, I can feel that.” He let his eyes roam over Jensen’s face, counting the freckles, admiring the long lashes, and lost it when Jensen’s tongue darted out and licked the full lips of his mouth. He surged forward and passionately kissed him.

Jensen slowly rocked his hips. “Hmmm, you wanna tell me now what yesterday was all about?”

“Which part?” Misha frowned. “The edging?”

“No. I mean that train wreck of an orgasm. If you can even call it that.”

Misha burst out laughing. “That bad huh?”

“That bad?” Jensen ceased the bucking of his hips. He ran a hand through his short hair. “It was a fucking disaster.” He rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling.

Misha pushed himself up on an elbow. “I can imagine it was pretty maddening.” He couldn’t hide a smirk.

“Are you kidding me right now, Mish? If I hadn’t been so far gone, I probably would have strangled you.”

“It was payback,” Misha explained. He bent over and closed-mouth kissed Jensen.

“Payback?” A few lines were painted on Jensen’s forehead. “For what?”

“You remember when you made me come and then fucked me?”

“Yeah. So?”

“So, I don’t exactly like to be penetrated right after an orgasm.”

“Oh.” Jensen rubbed his eyes. “Well, I didn’t _exactly_ hear you complaining.”

“I didn’t. And you know why?”

Jensen narrowed his eyes at him. “Why?”

“Because it was you,” Misha whispered. He bent over and kissed him again. “You can make me do things no one in this world can. Didn’t mean I didn’t want to take revenge though.”

“And so you did, yesterday.” Jensen reached out his hand. With his finger, he traced the lines of Misha’s mouth. “I kinda wanna fuck you right now.”

Misha parted his lips. He sucked Jensen’s finger inside, tasting the saltiness of the skin as he swirled his tongue around it.

“I think we have a problem then,” he said when he released the finger from his mouth.

“How’s that?”

“Because _I_ kinda wanna fuck _you_.”

“Hm.” Jensen searched Misha’s face. It was like he was trying to read him. The specks of gold caught by the beam of early morning light that creeped through a crack in the curtains were very prominent in the green of his eyes. Misha could almost hear him thinking.

“Is this where we now have our first fight about who’s gonna fuck who?” Jensen broke the silence first.

“Not necessarily.” Misha crawled on top of him. He lined up their hardened cocks and with his hands placed on either side of Jensen’s head, he slowly started moving them both towards a joint orgasm.

\-----

They didn’t leave the house much during their stay in L.A. They were perfectly content living together in the cocoon they had created.

The days were spent being lazy and having sex, enjoying the final days of hiatus. The new script that arrived emphasized the fact their vacation was almost over. They read through it and both agreed it was really good. Everyone expected a lot from this season which would be the last one as far as they knew.

That thought filled Misha with dread. He pushed it away. He didn’t want to think about that because it would lead him into dangerous territory filled with ominous questions about him and Jensen and how they would go from there. It helped that his wife and Danneel had a great friendship going on which would help them maintain their relationship, but damn it, he had barely survived hiatus as it was. How the hell was he going to survive longer periods of time without seeing Jensen? He already knew the answer to that question: he wasn’t.

Okay, and now he was being overly dramatic. Of course he was going to survive, Jesus. Yes, it was going to be hard and yes, there probably would be times he would want to die, but damn it, he was a grown ass man. Besides, it wasn’t over yet, was it? The network could still ask for a renewal. Just because Eric’s five season story arc ended, didn’t mean that the show had to end, right?

\-----

They flew to Vancouver on the first of July and attended the welcome party. It suddenly hit Misha that it was a year ago today his eyes landed on Jensen for the first time. Time sure travelled fast. A lot had happened during this past year.

“I guess we have an anniversary to celebrate, don’t we,” Jensen said, clinking his beer bottle against Misha’s.

Misha’s eyes widened. His lips parted slightly and then formed a smile.

“You remembered.”

“Yes, I do.” Jensen bent his head. A faint blush crept over his cheeks. “How can I forget the first time I saw you?” He took a swig from his bottle. “What did you think about me that first time, Mish? I mean, you never really told me.”

“Oh.” Misha laughed. He waved to the waitress to bring him another beer. “I obviously already knew who you were, and I was dying to meet you in person, but when I saw you, standing right here at this very counter in the flesh, I chickened out.”

“You chickened out?” Jensen sounded surprised. “And I thought _I_ was the big coward,” he said with a chuckle.

“I think it’s safe to say we were both a bit anxious,” Misha replied with a nod of his head. “I have to admit I thought you were a big asshole in the days following. It seemed like you didn’t want to get to know me at all.”

“Yeah.” The regret in Jensen’s voice was clear. With apologetic eyes he looked at him. “I’m sorry about that.” He ran his fingers through the strands of his hair. “That day in the cafeteria, you looked so lost and then you threw me off guard with that stare of yours. When I realized what a jerk I was, I wanted to wave you over to come sit with us, but you were already gone.”

“I know.” Misha took a deep breath. “But that was then. This is now. And now…” he leaned over and whispered, “…now I wanna take you home and fuck you into the mattress until you come, screaming.”

Jensen almost spit out his drink. He quickly finished his beer and placed the bottle on the wooden counter with a loud thud. “Then what are we waiting for? Let’s go.” He turned around and made his way to the door.

Misha could barely contain a smile as he followed him, ignoring the conspiratorial whispers and faint laughter of the rest of the crew. They probably all knew what was going on, and he didn’t give a damn about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed it. See you in the new year. Be safe.


	23. Proposals

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy 2018. 
> 
> Sorry I'm late, it has been pretty hectic around here and I'm still tired of all the parties.
> 
> This is the chapter I wrote while sipping mimosas. Yeah, I had to delete half of it and rewrite a lot.

 

After the fourth of July celebrations, Misha and Jensen fell into the same domestic routine as last year, with filming all day and falling into bed at night, drifting off to sleep in each other’s arms.

There was lazy shower sex in the morning and sweet kisses shared over breakfast. They were happy with the life they had built here in Vancouver.

Since Misha was now a season regular, he spent a lot more time on the set and he and Jensen were never more than two or three weeks apart.

Misha had his first Comic Con in San Diego. It was quite an experience to attend such a huge event.

The ‘Salute to Supernatural’ convention in Vancouver took place the last weekend of August. It was during his autograph session that a fan asked him about his rings.

Misha thanked her when she said she really liked them. “This is my wedding ring,” he explained the band on the finger of his left hand. He moved to his right hand and tenderly traced over the warm metal of the ring around his middle finger. “And I got this one from Jensen.”

 _Shit. Damn it._ He tried to look not too horrified when he moved his gaze back to the fan. She didn’t seem to mind though. She smiled sweetly, thanked him and moved on. _Fuck._ He just added, unwittingly, more fuel to the already raging fire of rumors about him and Jensen being together. And…oh boy, he could only imagine the outrage of the people who thought Jared and Jensen were in a secret relationship when they heard about this. He hoped he didn’t just start world war three.

Right after the autographs, he searched for Jensen to admit his little slip up. He didn’t want him to be put on the spot should this fan ask him about the rings during his panel. If Misha could just talk to Jensen, he would be prepared to deal with that kind of question.

Jensen shot him an extremely annoyed look when he told him.

“Jesus, Misha.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I should be more careful.”

“Yes you should. The whole world doesn’t need to know, let alone the fans.”

Their conversation was cut short by a handler who whisked Jensen away to his photo ops.

Misha stared after him. It was in that moment it hit him that this guy was terrified. Yes, he knew Jensen was afraid; he got that, and he also was aware where that fear came from and why, but this? He never knew it was this bad. Would it be that terrible if the truth came out? The whole frigging cast knew about them by now.

The subject of the rings wasn’t brought up and they didn’t talk about it anymore either. Maybe the story was floating around on Social Media, Misha didn’t know, and he didn’t search for it. The best thing to do was to stay quiet and if he happened to see something about it, to not engage.

And so life went on like a steady stream of water without any significant ups and downs. The most exciting thing that happened was when Jared came in one Monday morning in October, announcing he had popped the question to Gen.

“Aw man, that’s great,” Misha said. He gave him a hug. “Congratulations.”

Jared was literally beaming. “Thank you.”

“So, you finally did it. Congratulations man.” Jensen pulled his friend into an honest hug as well. “When is the wedding?” he asked when he released him.

“February most likely,” Jared replied. He looked from Jensen to Misha and back. “You’re both invited, of course. We’re already gonna plan a lot during Thanksgiving break.”

Misha nodded. “I think that’s wise considering the wedding is in, what, four months?”

“Gen wants snow on her wedding day which wouldn’t be impossible since we’ll get married in Sun Valley,” Jared explained the rush to tie the knot. He was almost bouncing up and down with excitement. Misha found it adorable but he completely understood. Jared reminded him of his own excitement when he proposed to Vicky and she had said yes.

The news of Jared’s engagement spread like wildfire over the set. Everyone seemed to be happy for him.

Jared continued to be the center of attention during the rest of the week and he acted goofier than Misha had ever seen him. It should be interesting though, how the fans were going to react. He figured a lot of hearts were going to break when they made the engagement official via the news.

***

It was especially during family gatherings when Jensen reconsidered his life choices. He wanted Misha to be here with him. Over and over again he had to remind himself it was not possible and it never would be. Even if Misha was not married and they were both free to date each other, he could never bring him home to his family.

Early in November, he casually told his family over dinner about Jared’s engagement and instantly regretted it. He got bombarded with questions about when he was going to propose to Danneel. Damn it. He should have kept his big mouth shut.

“What are you waiting for?” his older brother, Josh asked. He pointed his fork at him and Danneel. “You’ve been dating for over two years now and Jared has been dating Gen not even a year.” He turned his attention back to the food on his plate. “You’re falling behind little bro.”

“Oh hush, Josh,” his mother chimed in. “It’s not a competition. Jensen will get married when he’s good and ready.”

Jensen inwardly rolled his eyes. Bless Danneel for changing the subject.

\-----

Jensen thought a lot about marriage in the following weeks. He went over the pros and the cons in his head and made the final decision at Thanksgiving. Getting married was the right thing to do and there were a lot of reasons why, besides the fact that he loved Danneel.

Before he told anyone else, he needed to tell Misha first. He didn’t even inform his family or Jared that he had popped the question.

Danneel had agreed to keep quiet, but only for a week. She was way too excited to keep the news hidden longer than that.

There were a lot of nerves tying Jensen’s stomach in knots as he waited for the right opportunity to strike. He needed to get this over with before he lost all courage and ran for the hills.

The exact time presented itself on one of those rare days they were released early from the set. They were in the middle of cleaning up the remains of dinner with Misha rinsing off the plates before putting them in the dishwasher.

Jensen cleared his throat. It was now or never.

“So, I ehm…proposed to Danneel last weekend.” He held his breath as he watched all the muscles in Misha’s back tense up.

Misha slowly turned to him. There was a smile plastered on his mouth; a smile that didn’t reach his eyes.

“That’s great, Jensen,” he said evenly. “I’m happy for you.” He turned back to the dirty dishes in the sink.

Jensen squinted his eyes. He leaned against the counter with his arms folded. “That’s it? That’s all you have to say?”

“What do you want me to say?” Misha closed the dishwasher probably harder than he intended. Jensen cringed at the loud crash it made. “I don’t know. Congratulations? Maybe?” he said as he unfolded his arms to make a wide gesture to emphasize his words.

“Well then. Congratulations.” And there it was again, that pained smile that didn’t make the lines around his blue eyes crinkle as it did when it was genuine.

Misha dried his hands on the dishcloth and brushed past him on his way to the living room.

Jensen heaved an audible sigh. He _knew_ this was going to happen. This was exactly why he had been so sick with anxiety the past few days.

Anger bubbled up. He could feel it gathering in his belly and searching for a way out. He pushed himself off the counter and followed Misha to the living room with long decisive strides.

Misha was hanging on the couch with the remote in his hands, mindlessly zapping through the channels.

“Oh no, you don’t,” Jensen mumbled. He snatched the device out of Misha’s hands and turned the T.V off. He plopped down on the opposite couch and threw the remote on the coffee table. “We’re gonna talk about this, right here, right now.”

A pair of wild blue eyes landed on him and tried to bore a hole in his skull. Jensen could almost feel the piercing gaze burning its way through his soul.

“What’s there to talk about, Jen? You proposed, Danneel obviously said yes, end of story.”

“No.” Jensen furiously shook his head. “Not ‘end of story’. I wanna know why you’re so fucking angry.”

“I’m not angry.”

“You could’ve fooled me.”

“Jensen…” Misha pinched the bridge of his nose. “Why now? Not only a month after Jared popped the question to Gen? I can’t help but think that _you_ think you’re in some kind of competition. Like, well, Jared jumped off a cliff, I better jump right after him because I don’t wanna fall behind.”

“Misha,…”

“And let me guess. You probably told your family about Jared’s engagement, or they heard about it, and they harassed you into doing the same, right? Are you gonna get married on the same day too? Because, while you’re at it, do it right and see it all the way through.”

There was so much salt hidden in those words Jensen could almost taste it.

“I’m not..”

“Think before you try to deny it,” Misha cut him off. “And ask yourself the question if you would have proposed to Danneel if Jared hadn’t proposed to Gen first.”

Jensen snapped his mouth shut. Misha was right, as usual. He probably wouldn’t have popped the question to Danneel if Jared hadn’t done it first and without his family pushing the issue. Was he really that swayable?

“I love Danneel,” he said softly as if it explained everything, which it didn’t. Not really.

“Oh, Jen. I don’t doubt that,” Misha sighed. “But I have the impression it was not your initial choice.”

“Maybe it wasn’t,” Jensen admitted. “But I did put a lot of thought into it.” He stared at his hands. “First of all, it will put a lid on the rumors of me and Jared being in a secret relationship once and for all. I’m sick and tired of it. Second, it’ll stop the constant harassment from my family because I’m sick and tired of that too. Every time, and I mean, every fucking time I went home I got the question when I was gonna propose, and when Jared got engaged it got even worse. Since I was gonna marry Danneel anyway eventually because, yeah, we kind of need that piece of paper if and when we want to have kids, why not now and get my family off my back. And third, it won’t change anything between us, Misha. This marriage will be as open as this relationship is now. Fact is, Danneel made me _promise_ it wouldn’t change a thing.” He gasped for air. He was nearly out of breath after the rush of words.

Misha seemed to be satisfied with his explanation about the how and why of the whole thing because he visibly relaxed. The smile he now formed on his mouth was a bit more genuine than the one he shot him earlier this evening.

Jensen leapt from the couch and went to sit beside him. He cupped his face. “I promise you, it won’t change a thing for you and me.” He somehow felt he needed to repeat it. Unlike what he let the people who were not close to him to believe, Misha was rather insecure. Jensen leaned forward and captured his lips in a kiss that was meant to be reassuring but soon turned heated and above all, passionate.

***

Despite the heavy make out session that started on the couch, they didn’t have sex that night. They saved it for the morning, but something was off. Misha’s heart wasn’t fully in it and he could kick himself for that.

Production got shut down for the Christmas vacation that evening. Misha declined hitting the bar with the rest of the crew and didn’t give a flying fuck if that made Jensen wonder. He still had a lot of questions, and a lot of doubts. He needed time to think, and to talk to Vicky about it.

They said their goodbyes with a languid kiss at the apartment before Misha headed for the airport. This time it would be three weeks before they saw each other again.

\-----

“Okay, out with it. What fire do I have to put out now,” Vicky said with a big sigh. They were decorating the Christmas tree while soft carols were playing in the background.

Misha told her everything about the engagement and the argument that had followed. “But I guess you already knew about it, didn’t you.” He huffed out a laugh as he wove the lights through the branches of the tree.

Vicky untangled a garland. “Yeah. Danneel told me that Jensen popped the question. She asked me not to tell you because she promised Jensen to keep her mouth shut.”

“But she told you. So much for her promise.” Misha took another garland from the box of decorations.

“That’s because she knows I can keep a secret. Besides, she had to tell someone. She was about to burst.”

After they made sure the lights and the garlands were in place, they started putting in the ornaments.

“I don’t understand why it bothers you so much. So they’re getting married, so what? Danneel told me as well as Jensen told you that it won’t change anything,” Vicky went on.

“Because Jensen is still dancing to the tune of his family, _that’s_ what’s bothering me.”

“Oh hon.” Vicky turned to face her husband. “Jensen was brought up in a very conservative household. Hollywood may have made him more open to what he is, but right now he really is going against everything he was raised to be.”

Misha shrugged. “I guess so.”

“I know so. And, not to put a downer to your relationship, but I think he will never openly admit to it. He will probably deny it until the day he dies.”

Misha hung the last ornament on a branch of the silver fir. He stepped back and looked at it with a critical eye.

“He also told me it will stop the rumors of him and Jared being together. I wish him good luck with that.” He laughed sarcastically. “Those who think that they are dating in secret will see their engagements, which happened not only a month apart, and their marriages in the same year as a PR stunt to stop the rumors, _confirming_ they are together instead of denying it. They will see it as a conspiracy just because it all happened suspiciously close together.”

Vicky nodded in agreement. “I can’t argue with that. They could have timed it better if that was the goal.”

Misha plopped on the couch with Vicky beside him. Together they looked in silence at the blinking lights of the fully decorated tree.

“I don’t wanna talk about it anymore.” Misha said. “I wanna talk about babies instead.

Vicky raised her eyebrows. “Babies?”

“Yeah. We talked about this before and, well, now that the house is almost finished and we have savings, it may be time. It could take a while before we get you pregnant. And, as much as I hate to say it, we’re not getting any younger. If we ever want some kids, now is the time to act.”

“Oh.” Vicky scooted closer. “I like this idea.”

“You do, huh?”

“Yes, I do.”

Misha stood up. He reached out his hand to Vicky and pulled her to her feet. “Then what are we waiting for?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See you at the wedding next week


	24. Time for a wedding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay.
> 
> Smut ahead, enjoy.

 

Even though he missed Misha, Jensen had a great vacation. The main topic of the conversation within his family and among friends was of course his engagement to Danneel. Everyone was exhilarated over it. Jensen didn’t expect anything else. He only wished Misha was equally happy.

It was Sunday evening. He was unpacking his suitcase in the apartment in Vancouver. It was still the same place he rented as it had been when he moved out of Jared’s, with one tiny difference: he now shared the rent with Misha. This was their place; their home when they were here.

With a sigh he put some sweaters in the closet while pondering over Misha’s reaction. When he took out the boxer briefs to place them in the drawer, his thoughts stopped dead in their tracks. All the blood drained from his face. Two of Misha’s boxers were mixed with his own. He stared at them in horror. _Shit._ His mom always did his laundry. She must have seen them.

He took a deep breath to calm himself. His mom didn’t mention it or say anything about it. She probably thought they were new. Please, God, let her think they were new. He closed his eyes while sending up his silent prayer to the good Lord who he hoped was listening.

By the time his suitcase was unpacked and he shoved it under the bed he was over the initial terror of his mom finding out what he didn’t want her to find out. Jesus, he had to be more careful next time he packed his bags to go home.

Dressed in pajama pants and an old T-shirt, he padded to the kitchen. He took the sandwich he had bought at the airport out of the bag and put it on a plate.

Sitting at the counter, quietly enjoying his evening snack, he contemplated calling Misha. Castiel didn’t make an appearance in the next episode, which gave him an extra week off.

They had talked a lot over the phone during the holidays, carefully avoiding the subject of Jensen’s engagement. Instead Misha had let him into a secret. He and Vicky were trying to have a baby. After almost ten years of marriage, it was about time, Misha had told him. Jensen couldn’t help but wonder if that was the only reason.

\-----

Misha arrived in Vancouver exactly one week later. It didn’t take them long to get naked and horizontal. What was it about this man that made Jensen crave physical intimacy? Sure, he enjoyed having sex with Danneel too, there was no question about that, but he could do without it for several weeks without going mad. When it came to Misha however, he went bat shit crazy when he was deprived of it for only a few days.

It wasn’t just about sex, not anymore. They had crossed that line a while ago. To Jensen it was more about the closeness; the becoming one of both body and soul. When he was buried inside Misha, or when Misha was buried inside him, he experienced a connection he had never felt before in his life.

***

Early in February the 100th episode of Supernatural was filmed. The anniversary party was already thrown the weekend before, on January 30.

Misha got his first impression of Jensen’s vocal cords when he got up on the stage and sang ‘I’m a soul man’. True, Jensen’s voice was somewhat untrained, but with a little practice he could easily become a professional singer if he wanted to.

With a grin from ear to ear, Misha watched him, acting like a proud boyfriend. It should be said they were all slightly drunk by that time.

There was another cause of celebration for Misha. Vicky had called him earlier with the news she might be pregnant. It still was a bit early to tell, but she did a pregnancy test anyway and it showed positive. A doctor’s appointment to confirm it was already made and they both agreed to keep it quiet until they were absolutely sure there was a baby on the way.

Misha could hardly believe it. They only started to have sex without protection somewhere mid-December if he remembered correctly. That sure happened fast, and he wasn’t really prepared for that. He thought it would at least have taken them a few months to succeed. It made him feel torn between incredibly excited and scared shitless.

Despite the fact he had the agreement with Vicky to not tell anyone, he told Jensen. He needed to voice his concerns to someone. He couldn’t share them with Vicky for obvious reasons. Her main focus right now was to take care of herself and that baby. There was no need to burden her with his own insecurities.

Jensen’s reaction to the pregnancy news was a lot better than his own reaction to Jensen’s engagement, and instead of being happy about that, it made him wary. He was still not over his fears that one day Jensen might walk out of his life and never look back.

***

Jensen had his work cut out for him. He not only had to put one friend at ease now, but two: Jared because of his upcoming wedding and Misha because he was going to be a dad much sooner than expected.

He had to do his best not to act too…jealous, for the lack of a better word, when Misha told him about Vicky’s pregnancy. Of course he already knew they were trying, but that it happened so soon? Even Misha was surprised by it.

There was a lot going on all at once. Jensen wasn’t sure if he liked the rollercoaster of changes he was currently riding. He and Jared were well on their way to a whole new life as husbands to two beautiful women, and Misha as a brand-new dad.

But there was more news on the way. On February 10, Eric called everyone together to announce that the series had been renewed for a sixth season. While Jensen and Jared were always under contract for a potential renewal, it was now official, and Misha was asked to stay on as a series regular.

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief and excitement. They weren’t out of a job yet.

There was a downside to the good news though. Eric said he would step down as a show runner and give the reins to Sera Gamble.

While this wasn’t exactly a doomsday scenario – Sera was already an executive producer on the show and had been writing for the series since season 1 – Jensen had a bad feeling about it. Without Eric to keep everyone in check, anything could happen. There was trouble lurking over the horizon, Jensen was as sure about it as he was sure the sun came up in the East every morning.

He tried to shake it off, telling himself he was seeing things that weren’t there. Eric would remain actively involved in the show and would still continue to be a hands-on executive producer. That should count for something, right? Then why didn’t it make him feel one ounce better?

\-----

Jared’s big day finally arrived. Jensen tried to keep him calm. It was easier said than done. Like every man who was about to get married, Jared was a bundle of nerves.

The wedding took place in Sun Valley, Idaho, Gen’s home town.

Gen had chosen the ‘Valley Club’, a mid-Valley golf and country club for the ceremony, which was in a clear tent on the Valley Club’s terrace. At around 4.30 pm, snow began to fall and granted Gen’s biggest wish: a white winter wedding.

Of course, pictures needed to be taken in the magically covered landscape. Gen was freezing in her strapless Monique Lhuillier wedding gown, but she told everyone it was worth it.

Jensen spotted Misha among the guests but barely had the time to talk to him. Between his duties as a groomsman and everything else involving the ceremony, it just had to wait. They did exchange a few meaningful looks and shy smiles though, knowing they would spend the night together. They had rented a hotel room they would stay at after the wedding party.

It was after the meal and the couple’s first dance as husband and wife that Jensen saw his chance. He went over to Misha and plopped down in the empty chair next to him. He realized his mistake as soon as he breathed in Misha’s smell. He hadn’t seen him in a week. The urge to touch him; to feel him, was overwhelming.

Jensen clenched his fists to resist taking Misha’s hand, look into his eyes and plant a kiss on his mouth. He did the next best thing instead. He let his knee bump against Misha’s under the table and made it stay there, enjoying the warmth it radiated through the fabric of his slacks.

Misha’s lips moved up into a smile. “Hi Jensen,” he said without tearing his gaze away from the pairs whirling over the dancefloor.

“Hey Misha.”

“Gen sure makes a beautiful bride.” Misha placed his elbows on the table and put his head in his hands with a dreamy sigh. He was pulled out of his reverie by a flash of light. Someone had snapped a picture, catching the moment on camera.

Jensen chuckled at the surprise on Misha’s face. He had really zoned out there for the better part of a second. Jensen was curious who or what was responsible for that look. Was it him and the knee bump or was it something else? He liked to believe it was him.

“So.” Jensen cleared his throat. “How’s Vicky and the pregnancy?”

“Oh.” A twinkle appeared in the blue of Misha’s eyes. “She’s fine. Suffering from morning sickness that lasts all day, and is also part of the reason why she isn’t here, but other than that, healthy as ever.” The smile on his mouth grew wider. “I saw the baby for the first time last week.”

Jensen’s eyebrows shot up. “Wow. That’s awesome man.” He slapped Misha on the back, took a risk and couldn’t resist rubbing it, hoping the movement was subtle enough for no one to notice.

“Of course it’s not a baby yet.” Misha pulled a face. “It looked like a shrimp.” He reached for his wineglass and took a sip.

Jensen threw his head back and laughed at Misha’s description of what was still an embryo. He was happy for him, he really was, yet the green monster of envy made itself known again. Vicky gave Misha the most precious gift, something he would never be able to give him.

\-----

With how intoxicated they were, Jensen thought it was a small miracle they didn’t end up in the wrong hotel room, or at least _try_ to enter the wrong hotel room and then asking themselves why the key wouldn’t fit, scaring the living daylights out of the people who the room belonged to.

He dropped the key three times before he managed to hold it steady long enough to put it into the key hole and unlock the door, all the time giggling like an idiot while Misha almost died laughing at his antics.

They tumbled inside and the next thing Jensen knew, he was pressed with his back against the wall, with Misha’s mouth sucking at the tender flesh of his sensitive neck. He closed his eyes and let out an appreciative moan.

His cock that had been half hard all evening, grew fully erect. It painfully pushed against the zipper of his pants as it desperately tried to escape the prison of fabric. He gasped when the cool air of the room hit it when it was freed.

Skillful long fingers wrapped themselves around the base. A tongue soft as velvet swirled around the head as a pair of lips surrounded it and sucked down a few times.

Jensen’s hands found their way to the top of Misha’s head. His fingers tangled and untangled the strands of dark hair while his fingernails gently scratched Misha’s scalp. He almost got lost in an endless pleasure when suddenly it all stopped. A raw whine of protest left his mouth.

“I wanna fuck you ‘doggy style’,” a rough voice whispered.

Jensen’s eyes flew open and caught the stormy ones of Misha. His pupils were blown so wide they almost entirely covered the blue of his irises.

“I’d like that.” Jensen took a step forward to attack Misha’s lips but his foot got tangled in his pants that were pooled at his ankles. He fell hard against Misha’s chest who lost his balance, and they both tumbled to the ground.

Clothes were ripped off and flung around, falling in piles somewhere across the floor, all the while trading sloppy, drunken kisses.

On hands and knees, Jensen crawled to the edge of the bed and bent over, his naked chest flat against the satin comforter.

Something wet circled his rim and then pushed past it. Jensen gasped. He rolled his hips into the touch, trying to change the angle to make sure the intruder found his prostate. A jolt of electricity shot through him when the bundle of sensitive nerves was hit.

Fingers scissored him open. His whole body was on fire and he just laid there, enjoying every last bit of tiny sparks tingling his insides.

The transition from the fingers to something more firm and thick was so fluid Jensen almost didn’t notice at first until he was overwhelmed with the satisfying feeling of being stuffed full. He bucked his hips. “Move.”

Misha complied. Slowly he started pumping in and out, hitting Jensen’s prostate with every other push inside.

Jensen pried his hand between the bed and his leaking cock. He took it and started tugging it in time with Misha’s thrusts.

Groans and moans filled the room. The scent of sex hung heavy in the air as Misha’s movements became more erratic. He fucked Jensen so hard both him and the bed  moved a few inches every time he slammed back in, with Jensen’s knees sliding over the carpeted floor.

Entirely caught up in chasing his orgasm, Jensen barely noticed it. He was too busy reaching for the climax to pay attention to the burning sensation.

Stars exploded before his eyes when he came, spilling his release warm over his hand and tainting the comforter that hung off the side of the bed.

Misha kept on fucking him rough and fast until also he came with a moan that bounced loudly off the walls.

Heavy breathing was the only audible sound in the room for a few seconds as they both came down from their high.

Jensen’s heartrate slowly returned to normal with Misha’s thumbs rubbing circles over his hips. The gesture was so soothing it almost lulled him to sleep.

He whimpered softly when Misha slid out of him. He must have dozed off for a moment because the next thing he was aware of was a warm washcloth running over the inside of his legs and his hole.

“Jensen, get up. You can’t fall asleep in this position.”

“Mmmmm.” Why not? He was perfectly okay like this. He dozed off again.

A few pats on his naked ass cheeks jolted him awake again.

“Come on now, Jen. Go lay on the bed.”

 _Ugh_. “Okay, okay,” he mumbled. He crawled onto the bed and fell on his stomach. The last thing he remembered before his lights went out was a warm body pressed to his and something covering him. Everything went dark after that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll do my very best to have the next chapter up on Monday.


	25. Carpet burns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From now on, this fic will be updated every two weeks instead of every week. 
> 
> Here's the aftermath of their...ehm...quite rough sex in the previous chapter.
> 
> Oh and I always forget to mention, but you all probably have noticed by now, every time I change POV's it's marked with ***

 

A beam of sunlight that fell on his face woke Jensen up. He peeled his eyelids open and squinted against the brightness shining through the window. With an annoyed groan, he buried his head under the pillow. Damn it, why couldn’t it just be cloudy outside?

The more he came out of the semi-unconscious state called ‘sleep’ and the fog in his brain cleared, the more he became aware of his body that felt like it went ten rounds with Mohammed Ali. The soreness of his hole reminded him of a night well spent. He smiled and scooted closer to the warm body that was lying next to him, but as soon as his knees slid over the bedding, he startled wide awake from an excruciating pain.

“Ouch, ouch, ouch, fuck, shit.” He threw off the covers and never turned faster to his back in his life. With his hands, he carefully pushed himself into an upright position. His eyes went big as he stared in horror at his legs. The skin of both his knees was broken, leaving some nasty friction burns that stung like hell, and even though the wounds were superficial, they were oozing tiny specks of blood.

“Fucking hell?”

Beside him, Misha stirred awake. “Hm, Jensen? Something wrong?”

“You could say that. Shit!”

“What?” There was concern hidden in Misha’s voice. Rubbing the remaining sleep from his eyes, he sat up. He gasped for air as soon as his gaze fell on Jensen’s knees.

“Fuck.”

“Yeah, well, that kind of is responsible for this.”

Misha ran a hand through his hair, making it sticking up even more than it already did. “Jesus. I’m so sorry, Jen. I…I should have been more careful…”

“Shut up, Mish,” Jensen cut him off. “This is not only on you. We were both too wasted to even care.” He groaned as he moved further up to lean against the headboard. Damn it, it hurt. He was afraid to even move his legs let alone bend his knees.

With wary eyes, he watched Misha getting off the bed and putting on his boxers before searching the pockets of every piece of clothing that was scattered all over the floor.

“What are you doing?”

“Looking for my phone to see what we can do about that.” He waved at Jensen’s injuries. “You can’t keep those wounds unattended. They might get infected and then you’ll really have a problem.” He pulled a device from the inside pocket of a jacket with a triumphant “Aha.”

Jensen frowned at the phone in Misha’s hands. “That’s mine.”

“Oh.” Misha blinked and then just shrugged his shoulders. “It’ll do.” He resumed his place on the bed.

Jensen rolled his eyes. “Aren’t you a bit overly dramatic now, Mish? I mean, yeah, it stings like a fucking bitch, I can’t argue with that, but it’s not that bad and…” He stopped mid-sentence when a picture of what an infected rug burn looked like was shown to him. He wrinkled his nose. “Okay, _that_ looks pretty disgusting.”

“Uh huh.” Misha nodded. He shot him a knowing look. “You were saying?”

“Okay, okay, okay.” With a sigh Jensen let his head fall against the headboard. “What do I need to do?”

“First, you’re gonna take a nice, long bubble bath, like, 30 minutes at least. Next, you leave the wound in the open air until it scabs over. That also takes about 30 minutes according to this. Since the injury is on your knees, and while it’s better to leave it exposed to the open air because it heals faster, you cannot possibly walk around without pants on now can you? So, it needs to be bandaged to prevent it from rubbing painfully against the fabric, and it’s important to apply anti-bacterial lubricant between the wound and the bandage.”

Jensen’s head was spinning with the flow of words that washed over him. So, long bath, wait half an hour, bandage. That didn’t sound so bad. Wait. Where the hell was he going to find some anti-whatever – what was it – lubricant?

He rolled his head to Misha to ask him and was again hit with how absolutely handsome the guy’s profile was. The strong jawline, the aesthetically shaped nose, the dark, messy sex hair,… Jensen truly considered himself a lucky man to have him. If Misha only loved him as much as he loved Misha.

“Jensen? You okay?” Misha pulled him out of his musings.

“Yeah.” Damn it. He was gone there for a second. He even forgot what he was about to ask.

“Ehm, do you think Astroglide will do as anti-something lubricant? I mean, it _is_ lubricant.”

Misha looked at him as if he had lost his mind. What? It wasn’t that far-fetched.

“I hope you’re joking Jen because, if you’re not, I seriously need to question your mental condition right now.”

Jensen faked a laugh. “Of course I was kidding man, hahaha.” Lord he felt dumb. Must be the huge amount of alcohol he consumed last night. He had read somewhere it killed about a million brain cells. Wait, no, that was debunked.

“Aloe Vera gel will do just fine.” Misha jumped off the bed. “And you’re lucky I carry that with me all the time.”

Jensen blinked in surprise. He did?

“You do?” he voiced his thoughts.

That was new information. Jensen didn’t know that. Why didn’t he know that? They had been living together for little over a year now. Okay, maybe not _all_ the time, but still… He really needed to pay more attention to what Misha had stored in his medical cabinet, or to what was in his traveler bags. He suddenly realized there was a lot about this man Jensen didn’t know yet.

“Yes, I do.” Misha pulled a tube out of the small first aid kit in his bag. “It has proven anti-bacterial properties and it’s great to treat skin conditions.” He sighed. “You sit tight, I’ll run you a bubble bath.” He turned around and disappeared into the bathroom.

***

Misha took a quick shower and got dressed before he ran the bath for Jensen. Now he was picking up their wrinkled suits from the floor as he chuckled at all the ‘shits’ and ‘fucks’ and ‘ohs and ‘ouches’ that came from inside the bathroom. He could only imagine how painful it must be to soak the wounds. They did look pretty nasty.

Guilt washed through him. He felt responsible for Jensen’s injuries. The amazing sex they had was never meant to hurt Jensen like it did. What the hell had they been thinking?

Well, with how inebriated they had been, they weren’t exactly thinking. They had just been horny as hell and dying to get on with it and fuck the possible consequences with doing it doggy style on a carpeted floor.

A knock on the door announced the breakfast he had ordered from room service. Finally. He craved a decent cup of coffee to chase away the last remains of his hangover. Coffee and a hearty breakfast always did the trick.

Misha opened the door and quietly watched a hotel employee wheeling in their food. He tipped the guy with a smile and let him out again.

Jensen emerged from the bathroom, dressed in a pair of boxers and a sleeveless shirt. His hair was still moist and a relieved expression graced his pink flushed face. The bath had obviously done him a world of good.

“Any better?”

“Yeah.” Jensen nodded. “It was excruciating at first, but after a while the pain subsided.” He plopped down on a chair at the small table Misha had set for breakfast and filled his plate with a pile of scrambled eggs and crispy pieces of bacon.

They ate in a comfortable silence for a while, each lost in their own thoughts. This afternoon their ways would part for another week and neither was looking forward saying goodbye yet again.

\-----

There were times Misha regretted everything about his life and the choices he made. Sitting on the plane back to L.A. was one of those times.

Sometimes he was sorry he ever got the part of Castiel; that he ever met Jensen and started a ‘thing’ with him. The being and living together was great, no doubt. They _did_ have something good going on. It was the saying goodbye part he hated and made him rethink everything. One would think he was used to it by now. They had done it so many times before after all, but somehow, it never got any easier. If anything, it got harder. Why did he put himself through the pain of parting all the time? Was he that masochistic?

Misha often wanted to just walk away, and not only from Jensen, but from his marriage as well, leave it all behind, go to a deserted island and fuck the world, but he couldn’t exactly do that could he? Especially not now when there was a baby on the way. He wasn’t the type of man to run away from his responsibilities.

And why the hell did he ever think having a baby was a good idea? He loved children, but he wasn’t ready to be a father himself. He even doubted he would make a good dad no matter what people said.

He silently scolded himself for having these thoughts. It was like he betrayed everyone he loved including Jensen, even though he questioned if Jensen really loved him back. Chances were he didn’t. He never said he missed him, not once. Sure, he had told him he missed the fucking and the kisses, but not _him_.

To say he was perfectly happy at that moment would be a blatant lie. If he could go back in time with everything he knew now, he would do certain things differently. He had made his bed though, and now he had to lay in it. Most of the time, he had no problem with it, but every now and then he allowed himself to wallow in self-pity and regret. He let it in, dealt with it, pushed it back to wherever it came from and moved on like he always did. By the time his plane landed in L.A. he had got his ducks in a row again, counting the things he had instead of concentrating on a life he could never have.

***

Season five got wrapped up in time with the Supernatural convention in L.A. Jensen was surprised no questions about Jared’s wedding were asked. Surprised, but also relieved. The last thing his friend needed was a whole lot of drama.

There had been a lot of hostility and disappointment about the wedding. Fans claimed Jared was forced into this marriage to keep his relationship with the one he truly loved hidden because it would hurt the show if the truth came out. Jensen had no idea the number of times he had rolled his eyes every time he read yet another one of those assumptions. It was ridiculous. They weren’t some big Hollywood, world famous actors and these weren’t the 1950’s. In those days it was common practice for the stars of the silver screen to pretend they were in a relationship with a woman while they were really into men, but Jesus, times had changed. They weren’t living in the dark ages anymore. Some fans though made it seem they still did.

\-----

The convention in Rome, known as Jus In Bello, or shortly JIBcon, was next on the list. It would be the first time they were there, and Jensen was already looking forward to it.

They flew in on Tuesday. Not only to get used to the time difference, but also to have the time to explore the city with its rich history.

There was another reason Jensen was excited about this trip. It would be another vacation abroad with Misha and without the women present. There was also a downside to it. When this was over, they would be parted again until his wedding on May 15.

With his hands on the railing of the balcony of his room, Jensen watched as the sun descended on the city, looking like it was setting the buildings on fire. He took in a deep breath of the cool early spring air. A shiver ran through his body. The days were already nice and warm yet not too hot, but the evenings still brought a chill as they fell.

Two arms slipped around his waist from behind. A kiss was pressed at the back of his neck after which a head was put between his shoulder blades.

Jensen smiled fondly. He let go of the railing and placed his hands over Misha’s.

They stood there for a while, enjoying the closeness and the warmth of each other’s bodies while they quietly listened to the never-ending evening buzz of the city beneath them. Jensen wished he could freeze this moment in time.

A knock on the hotel room door pulled them apart. It was room service with their dinner.

They had decided to eat in Jensen’s room tonight while the others went out. This was their time, their chance to be together as much as they could before hiatus separated them again. As much as Jensen loved summer break, he also hated it because it kept him away from Misha for much too long.

\-----

The nice organizer of the Jus In Bello event, a woman named Daniela, set them up with a tour guide who showed them around Rome. They visited famous historical sites and were told intriguing stories about them.

It was a long, exhausting and interesting day, but it didn’t prevent them from making sweet love that night.

Afterwards they laid in each other’s arms, reveling in post orgasmic bliss.

They were talking about visiting the Vatican, something they just had to do before they left, when Jensen remembered something.

“You know. Danneel grew up in Louisiana and next door there was this family with nine kids.”

“Nine kids?” Misha whistled. “Wow.”

“Yeah. Anyway, one of them, a woman, Anne, is the same age as Danneel and she is a consecrated nun at the Vatican. So, I was thinking. Why don’t I email Danneel and ask her if she knows how to contact her or something?”

“That’s actually not a bad idea,” Misha replied thoughtfully.

Jensen untangled himself from Misha’s arms. He hopped off the bed, put on a robe and padded to the living area of the small suite to get his laptop.

The email was written and sent before Jensen had the time to rethink asking Danneel for help.

\-----

They met the rest for breakfast at the hotel’s restaurant the next morning. Jensen listened to Misha talking with Richard and Tracy about the ‘Roman Holiday’ event they would do the next day with a bunch of fans.

Julie, Misha’s agent, came over with some last minute details. She would be there as well to keep an eye on things. Jensen rolled his eyes. Like Misha needed a babysitter. HA! She seemed nice though. It wouldn’t hurt him to give her some more credit.

Jensen realized he was being moody and didn’t even understand why.

His spirits were instantly lifted when he got back to his room and found an email from Danneel in his inbox. He read through it and smiled over the laptop at Misha.

“Seems like we have a meeting with sister Anne at the steps of the basilica next Tuesday morning at seven.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fact: What Jensen told Misha about Danneel knowing a family with nine kids living next door where she grew up, is true. And yes, Jensen did email her and Danneel arranged the visit to the Vatican for them.


	26. Rome

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not entirely happy with this chapter but, ah well... I hope you guys like it.

 

Jus In Bello was a smaller con than what they were used to. It made it more intimate and more relaxed. Since they were already on summer break – and hey, this was frigging Rome – they enjoyed the hell out of it. In the green room they discussed the fact that this was the best crowd they’d had so far.

Jared left on Sunday morning for personal reasons, but the con had to go on, even without him.

The weekend was over before they knew it. Jensen and Misha took their time to relax on Monday and practically stayed in bed all day being lazy and doing nothing but eat, sleep and have sex. It’s what they deserved after another long, fun but exhausting con.

Daniela had asked them if they were interested in coming back some time, maybe even as soon as next year. They didn’t say no to that. JIB had been the awesome experience they would love to do again.

On Tuesday, Misha and Jensen met sister Anne at the steps of the basilica at 7 AM sharp. She had brought a priest from Louisiana and a Vatican scholar.

After the formal introductions, they got the grand tour. Jensen felt all giddy inside. It was pretty amazing of Danneel to have pulled this off for them.

The tour ended at the back of the basilica where they were shown a mural of the angel Michael slaying Lucifer. The priest sure had saved the best for last.

“It sums up the show pretty well, don’t you think?” he said with a proud grin from ear to ear.

Jensen nodded. “Yeah, it does.” Breathlessly, he took in the giant painting on the wall. It was a stunning piece of art.

“I thought it was appropriate to perform a private mass here for you in front of this mural and ask God to bless your love for each other.”

Wait. _What?_ Jensen blinked in surprise. He probably misunderstood that. One quick glance at Misha though, told him there was nothing wrong with his ears. The guy looked as shocked as him.

The priest smiled in a reassuring manner. “The good Lord doesn’t judge. The Church might not allow same sex marriages, but there is nothing wrong with asking for His blessing.”

Jensen still couldn’t believe this was happening. What on earth did Danneel tell these people? Did she have something to do with this? She _did_ set this up for them. Or maybe the priest had figured it out all on his own? Jensen never thought he would see the day that a Roman Catholic priest from Louisiana would ask for a blessing for a same sex couple. This was a whole new kind of crazy, but also a whole new kind of refreshing, he’d give him that.

The entire thing went by like some sort of a dream. There was a strange sense of peace surrounding them; something… _divine._ Jensen could almost feel a blessing descending on them.

He ventured another look at Misha and saw the water of tears shining in the blue of his eyes. In that moment he dared to hope that maybe, he wasn’t alone in this; that maybe Misha did love him too.

***

Misha was still floating on the emotional high of what had just happened in the basilica when he and Jensen said their goodbyes to their tour guides and made their way to the car they had rented.

The amicable silence that was condensing between them became increasingly awkward as it lingered on. Neither of them seemed to know what to say until Jensen made the effort to speak first.

“So. Is it true, Misha? _Do_ you love me?”

Misha sighed deeply. He squinted against the bright sun beating warm on his body. This was it. The moment of truth, and if the truth chased Jensen away, then there was nothing he could do about it. It was fun while it lasted.

“Yes, I do,” he said softly without looking at Jensen, bracing himself for the pain of his heart that was about to break.

When Jensen stayed silent, he glanced up at him. The look of bafflement written on the guy’s face would be hilarious if it wasn’t so sad. He had read it totally wrong.

“Don’t worry, Jensen. I’ll move to my own hotel room for the rest of our stay,” he snapped harder than intended.  He started to walk away with long decisive strides, but was stopped by a hand placed on his arm.

“What the hell are you talking about, Mish?”

“I’m talking about getting out of your hair now that it’s clear my feelings for you are a one way street.”

The earlier bafflement on Jensen’s face grew stronger. Green eyes filled with disbelief stared at him in total confusion.

“Are you serious right now? You honestly believe I don’t feel the same way?”

Misha frowned. It was his turn to be confused. What was Jensen saying?

“I’m…eh…”

“I love you too, Mish.” Jensen put his hands in the pockets of his jeans and shyly studied the tips of his shoes. “I fell in love with you a long time ago.” He shrugged. “I thought you had already figured that out by now.”

Misha shook his head. “No, I…I didn’t.”

“Oh man.” Jensen ran a hand through his hair and chuckled. “And I thought _I_ was the insecure one.”

A long stare, one that came very close to the stares that were famous for Dean and Cas, was exchanged between them.

“Did we just profess our love for each other in the middle of Vatican City?” Jensen asked the rhetorical question after a few beats of silence.

Misha laughed. It was so good to be able to laugh; to feel so relieved. “I guess we did. There is something magical hanging in the air here.”

“Yeah there is.” Jensen looked around. “There sure is.”

Something changed. The sex they had from that moment on wasn’t just about sex anymore. To Misha it hadn’t been about just sex for quite some time, but now that he knew about Jensen’s feelings, he could finally define it as ‘making love’ and damn it if that didn’t make it a whole lot better somehow.

There was a downside to it as well though. The parting was harder than ever. It was with pain in his heart that Misha left Rome. The city would be forever seared in his brain as the place he and Jensen confessed how they truly felt about each other.

\-----

His annual trip to Nepal and Jensen’s phone calls was what helped Misha through another hiatus. What also helped was the knowledge that Jensen and Danneel would move to L.A. after the wedding. The distance between them wouldn’t be that big anymore and they could actually start spending some time together during summer break when they weren’t at conventions.

Melancholy hit Misha hard when he flew to Australia for the ‘All hell breaks loose’ con in Sydney and Melbourne. Last year, Jensen had been there with him. Not that he didn’t have a good time because he did, but conventions with both Jensen and Jared were a hell of a lot more fun, and that was a fact no one could deny.

Being the intuitive person that he was, Misha sensed some organizers tried to keep him apart from Jensen and Jared. He wondered if it had anything to do with a brand new ship that was being built in port; the Destiel ship. Oh yes, he knew about it. Some fans really liked the idea of Cas and Dean being in a romantic relationship, and to be honest, he wasn’t opposed to the idea either, even Kripke liked to toy with it and so did the writers. Lines from Dean last season like ‘blow me, Cas’ or ‘You know, the last person who looked at me like that, I got laid’, with a wink from Jensen, and Misha as Cas shooting him a look that said as much as ‘don’t tempt me’, was enough proof of that.

Misha knew it was merely teasing. They were never going to go there, not really. They would step on a lot of sensitive toes if they did, and stir up a shitstorm of enormous magnitude.

Jensen was still completely oblivious to the whole thing and that was maybe just as well. There was no doubt in Misha’s mind the guy would have a total freak out if he ever found out, which was only a matter of time. Eventually, at some point in the future, he probably would have to face it. Misha only hoped Jensen handled it well when that time came.

A week after the Australian con, on May 15, Misha attended Jensen’s wedding. It took place at sunset at the Crescent Court Hotel in Dallas, Texas.

Vicky accompanied him this time. She had missed Jared’s wedding due to morning sickness, she wasn’t going to miss this one.

Misha felt tears burning behind his eyes during the ceremony. Watching the man he loved getting married to someone else was… _weird_. He was happy for Jensen, it wasn’t that, but at the same time there was something incredibly sad about it.

They hadn’t seen each other in six weeks and all Misha wanted to do was to kiss Jensen senseless. Having him so close but not able; not _allowed_ to touch him other than in a brotherly manner, was maddening.

A soft hand folded over his. Through the mist of tears blurring his vision, he looked at his wife and smiled. He was glad she was here with him. He didn’t think he could have gotten through this in one piece without her by his side.

Cheering and clapping sounded as the ceremony ended and Jensen and Danneel shared a kiss. After that, they mingled with the guests and by the time they made their way over to him and Vicky, Misha’s eyes were dry.

After the sparse but sincere hugs and congratulations, Danneel’s eyes were drawn to Vicky’s belly. “You are beaming,” she said. “How are you? How’s the baby?”

“We are both fine, thank you.”

“Do you feel it kicking yet?”

Vicky nodded with shining eyes. “Yes, I do. It was nothing more than a flutter at first, but it’s very strong today. You wanna try if you can feel it?”

Danneel’s eyes went wide. She looked from Misha to Jensen and back to Vicky. “Can I?”

“Yeah, sure.” Vicky took Danneel’s hand and placed it on her stomach. It took a while, but then Danneel audibly gasped. “Oh my God,” she said with a high pitched voice. A smile graced her lips. “I felt it.”

Misha chuckled. “You’re lucky. I haven’t had the pleasure yet.”

“Are you serious?” Danneel sounded surprised.

“He is,” Vicky replied in Misha’s place. “For some odd reason the baby always decides to stop whenever he tries to feel it.”

“Seems like he or she already knows to behave when daddy is around,” Jensen laughed with a nudge at Misha’s arm.

They didn’t have much more time to interact with each other. The newlyweds were whisked away by the photographer for the wedding pictures.

During the party, Misha managed to dance with Danneel and even with Gen. Later that evening he went for a stroll in the garden to get some air. Vicky had already retired to the room they had conveniently rented at this very hotel where the wedding and the party took place.

It was a lovely night with a clear sky and a lot of stars that weren’t really visible due to the light pollution of the beautifully lit garden. Strings of lights were woven through the branches of the trees and the bushes, making the surroundings seem like something out of a fairy tale.

A hand was gently laid on his shoulder. Misha knew who it belonged to without having to look up.

“Hi Jensen.”

“Hey.” Jensen’s hand glided over his arm and down, until their fingers gently touched.

“So. How are you feeling now that you’re married?”

The answer came in a sigh. “Guilty.”

It wasn’t exactly the reply Misha expected. With raised eyebrows he turned his gaze to his friend standing next to him.

“Guilty?” he echoed. He noticed Jensen’s bowtie hung loose around his neck and the top of his shirt was unbuttoned, looking sexy as ever.

“Yeah man. I mean, here I am, just married and the only thing I can think about is how much I wanna kiss you,” Jensen elaborated, looking from Misha’s lips straight into his eyes.

Misha lost it. He surged forward and softly pressed his mouth on Jensen’s in a sweet, gentle kiss.

“I know,” he whispered. He let his forehead rest against Jensen’s. “But we can’t. Not here, not now.” He pulled back and straightened, looking around to make sure no one was watching. There wasn’t a living, breathing soul around.

Carried on the soft breeze that cooled down the warm spring night, the first notes of a love song drifted in their direction. Misha closed his eyes and listened, his body slightly swaying to the music.

“Dance with me, Mish.” Jensen edged closer to him. He let his arm slide around Misha’s waist, took his hand and pressed it against his chest.

Misha automatically reacted by placing his hand on Jensen’s shoulder, and before he could fully process what was happening, they were shuffling around in rhythm with the faint music coming from inside.

It was the first time they had danced with each other. Misha couldn’t say he didn’t like it, especially not with the romantically lit garden and underneath a dark starry night. It was perfect. Yet he couldn’t help but be wary. What if someone saw them like this?

“This isn’t wise, Jen.”

“Mmmmm. Maybe not, but it’s what I want right now.” The hand around Misha’s waist tightened, as Jensen tugged him closer to his chest. He could feel Jensen’s erection pressing hard against him through the thin fabric of his slacks. _Damn it._

Misha’s eyes fluttered closed as arousal got a hold of him and kept him in an iron grip. It had been six weeks since the last time they made love. Not that he was deprived of sex – there was always Vicky – but this was Jensen and he craved to be intimate with him.

The subtle buck of Jensen’s hips made Misha come back to his senses. Dancing with each other was one thing, dry humping on Jensen’s wedding night wasn’t right, no matter how open this marriage was.

“Jen, please, stop. Don’t do this.” His voice was rough and low.

With a big sigh, Jensen let him go. He took a step back and cocked his head. “I know. I know.” When he looked back up at him, Misha saw, even in the dim light of the garden, his eyes were glistening. “But once my honeymoon is over, and you’re back from your conventions in Europe, you have to come visit me. With me and Danneel moving to L.A. we will be practically neighbors. There’s no need for us to be separated for weeks during hiatus anymore, not with us living in the same city.”

Misha nodded in agreement. “Just text me or call me when, and I’ll be there.”

“Okay.” The smile Jensen shot him now was radiant. It was obvious he already looked forward to it.

“Now go back inside before Danneel organizes a search party.”

He watched after Jensen as he strolled back to the party. Once he was out of sight, he realized it was the last time they would see each other for at least three weeks. God, he hated goodbyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading :)


	27. Destiel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some might recognize the smut scene in the beginning. That's because I posted it once in the group 'Destiel Forever'. Yes, that was me. I want that to be clear before someone is gonna scream I stole it.
> 
> I want to point out again that, when I change POV's, it is marked with ***

 

The weight of Misha’s cock was heavy on his tongue. Jensen enjoyed the salty taste of the man’s precome mixed with his own saliva as he was fucking his mouth.

Misha slightly changed the angle by moving his hips. With each thrust his dick went deeper and deeper down Jensen’s throat until he couldn’t go any further. Then he pulled out and thrust back in again.

The musky scent of sex penetrated Jensen’s nostrils as he tried to breathe through his nose. He was completely at the mercy of the man on top of him.

Hot wet heat enveloped his own cock while strong hands held him down. A velvety tongue swirled around his cockhead, lapping up the evidence of his arousal.

Jensen swallowed. An appreciative hum sounded from somewhere between his legs. The vibrations sent tiny sparks of lightning rushing through his veins and exploded at his nerve endings.

Slowly but surely Jensen ran out of oxygen. His fingernails dug crescent moons in the tender flesh of Misha’s hips as he was fighting for air. His head was fuzzy. A mist started to cloud his oxygen deprived brain. _Close, so very close._

One final thrust and Misha held still. Warm liquid with a bitter tang to it, flooded down Jensen’s throat. He took it all, swallowed as if his life depended on it, and somehow, it did. Tears were pricking at the corner of his eyes. He was on the verge of passing out. His lungs were burning, screaming for air. Dark spots danced behind his closed eyelids and he wanted to come, wanted to come so badly before he could breathe again.

His orgasm took him completely by surprise. It hit him like a freight train and he came harder than he had ever come before.

Misha pulled his spent cock out of Jensen’s mouth. The sudden intake of much needed air made Jensen come yet again, this time with the loud scream of Misha’s name spilling from his lips.

Misha milked him dry and sucked him clean. Then turned around and started to kiss his way up his body, leaving a fiery trail of wet heat in his wake. He crashed his mouth on Jensen’s lips and pushed his tongue inside.

Jensen tasted his own come in the moistness of Misha’s mouth as he kissed him, deep and filled with a never ending passion.

“Damn, Mish, that was pretty awesome,” Jensen said between two intakes of breath when Misha released his lips.

“Yeah, it was.” Misha fell on his back, scooted closer and nested himself in Jensen’s arms.

At that moment, Jensen was perfectly content with his life. He had a beautiful wife, a job he loved more than anything and a gorgeous man he had a secondary relationship with. What more could he possibly want?

They were living in the same city, which made getting together during hiatus not such a big problem anymore. It was so different from last year when he had missed Misha like crazy but couldn’t possibly invite him over because of his family. Not that they would have a problem with it, but they were so damn perceptive. One look at them interacting and they would just know something was going on. It was best he kept Misha as far away from them as he possibly could, to avoid stirring up a shit ton of trouble.

Misha’s even breathing told Jensen he was asleep. His own eyelids grew heavy as the first light of dawn crept through the curtains.

They sure had come a long way since the first time they had made love, now more than two years ago, and when Jensen had thought their relationship would always be limited to the apartment in Vancouver, the confinement of his trailer or hotel rooms at conventions. They had become so much more than what they started out to be, and Jensen didn’t regret anything about it. They were good at this; they were fine. It was the last thought Jensen had before he followed Misha to the land of dreams.

\-----

Jensen directed his first episode ‘Weekend at Bobby’s’ which would be episode 4 of the new season a week before the official filming of season 6 started.

Since the preparations to direct an episode takes a lot of time, and since Jensen didn’t really have that because he played Dean from dusk ‘till dawn, he had been given the whole summer break to prepare for it.

He had asked his dad to voice the newscaster in the episode. Alan didn’t physically have to be in Vancouver for that. He could phone it in. And that’s exactly what his dad did. He literally phoned it in from the studio in his house in Texas, sitting in a bathrobe, sipping his coffee.

Misha wasn’t in this episode. It was something Jensen genuinely regretted. He would have loved to direct Misha. On the other hand, he was glad. He just knew Misha would have taken the opportunity to mess with him in retaliation for the things he and Jared did to him last season which, let’s be honest here, weren’t always very nice.

When it came to pranks, Jared never seemed to outgrow his inner child and he sometimes took it a tad too far, like that time when he had let the air out of Misha’s tires when they were filming on location, and the guy got stranded there at 1 in the morning after a long day of filming. Jensen often thought Jared should thank all his lucky stars that this was Misha. If it had been any other actor on any other TV show, he would have given him hell for it. Not everyone appreciated ‘pranks’ like that. Misha however didn’t get mad, he got even. He wanted to have Jared’s car towed away and he would have succeeded if Jared hadn’t caught him in the act. It was things like that, that made all three of them great friends because, at the end of the day, they always had each other’s backs no matter how ‘evil’ a prank was. As long as nobody got injured, it was good, although it needed to be said that Jared often walked a very thin line when it came to that. He would never hurt anyone on purpose and he would feel awful if he did, but he just never seemed to think about the consequences when something went wrong.

Jensen and Misha soon fell into the same routine as last season, enjoying the domestic bliss when they were in Vancouver together, always leaving one hotel room completely unused during conventions. There was a difference though. Even though Misha was a season regular, he wasn’t nearly as often on the set as last year which was kind of disappointing. They had to miss each other more often for longer periods of time. Jensen didn’t like it, but there was nothing he could do about it. He just had to make the most of it when they were together.

The ‘Salute to Supernatural’ convention in Vancouver went by as usual, with Misha appearing on Saturday, while Jensen and Jared made the Sunday appearance starting with the ‘breakfast with fans’, followed by the photo ops and their panel.

Although he tried his best not to show it, Jensen was a little grumpy. As much as he loved cons, it got a bit repetitive. He would love to do a panel with someone else besides Jared for once, like with Misha. Why did they keep them separated like this?

A question from a male fan about Cas and Dean and their relationship, and the reaction of the audience held the answer. It wasn’t so much the question itself, but the annoyed moan that rippled through the fans that caught him off guard. What the hell was their problem? Not only two weeks ago one of Castiel’s lines had been: ‘Dean and I do share a more profound bond’. If the audience got triggered by a simple, and to his opinion, valid question about Cas and Dean, then he could only imagine how they were going to groan at their TV when that episode aired.

So yeah, he got somewhat upset, but it wasn’t entirely due to the question but more due to the fact that most of these people in the room didn’t like Castiel one bit. He just got painfully reminded of it, and he hated to admit it to himself, but at that moment he wasn’t sure he liked those groaning fans very much.

He didn’t have much time to think it over, so he just dodged the question to keep the audience pleased.

“I’m going to answer that question by not answering that question,” he replied. “Sorry, dude, it’s not what the show is about.”

He got cheers and applause, but no, he wasn’t happy with it.

The fan thanked him and stepped back.

Jensen felt awful. But what was he supposed to do? It was better to upset one fan than a whole room full of fans

He tried to shrug it off during the rest of the panel and he was glad it was over. And then they dared to wonder why he wasn’t as bouncy and happy as last year? Did it ever occur to them it was because of them? Probably not. Some of them even had the audacity to speculate it was because they were forced into fake marriages when all him and Jared really wanted was to be together. Holy Christ. People needed to get a fucking grip on reality. He couldn’t believe this was still going on.

Jensen’s face lit up as he entered the green room after the panel and saw Misha had arrived. He had promised him to drop by for a visit.

With long strides, Jensen walked over to him and pulled him into a crushing hug.

“Wow, Jen. What’s going on?”

Jensen released him and shook his head with a deep sigh. “I’ll tell you later this evening, okay?” he whispered.

There was concern and a lot of questions in Misha’s eyes as they searched his face, but then he nodded. “Okay.”

Knowing Misha was there helped Jensen through the rest of the day, and to stay friendly during the autograph session. The constant reminder of how they had reacted to a stupid question didn’t make it easy though. Of course, not all of them were like that, but a lot of them were. And these were his fans. It was almost too hard to grasp.

***

Misha had been surprised by the bear hug Jensen had overpowered him with. It had almost crushed all the air out of his lungs. The guy clearly had something on his mind, and Misha was dying to find out what it was.

The relief this convention was over was written all over Jensen’s face as he drove him home that evening. He made him a nice dinner after which they just relaxed on the couch with Jensen laying in his arms.

“So. Are you gonna tell me now what happened today?” Misha started the conversation.

Jensen shrugged. “Basically a fan made the mistake of asking if there was more between Cas and Dean than just friendship.”

Misha closed his eyes. It was starting and there was nothing they could do to stop it.

“Did it bother you that much, Jen?”

“No, man. Not really. It was the reaction of the audience that caught me by surprise.”

“Ah. Let me guess. They weren’t happy about it.”

“That’s the understatement of the century.” Jensen untangled himself from Misha’s arms. He sat up straight and turned to look at him. “How do you know?”

“Because I got asked a similar question in New Jersey back in early July.”

Jensen’s eyes widened. “You too? How did the fans react?”

“Judging by how upset you are, apparently not as bad as your fans reacted today. Some just sighed, but that’s it.”

“I wish my audience would have had the decency to do just that.” Jensen ran a hand through his short hair. “But, noooooo. They just had to groan…loudly, not only making the fan feel uncomfortable, but me and Jared too.” He squinted his eyes. “How did you answer it?”

“I said I wasn’t gonna answer it because it was Sunday.”

Jensen laughed. “Nice one.”

“Yeah.” Misha rubbed his forehead with thumb and index finger. They needed to talk about this. He was sure Jensen had felt something brewing beneath the surface, but it was the first time he was confronted with it head on. He might have said the question didn’t bother him as much as the reaction, but Misha sensed that wasn’t entirely true. If fans picked up on the Dean and Cas chemistry, then casual viewers might too; in particular his family, and Jensen was deadly afraid of that. He was still hiding one side of himself.

“Look, Jensen. You do know those questions don’t just come out of the blue, right? That there’s a reason for it? The groaning of the audience proves they see it too and they are not happy with it.”

A few lines appeared between Jensen’s brows. “What do you mean?”

“Do you remember Jared walking in on us, and that he wasn’t even surprised? That he already sensed something was going on between us before we acted on it?”

“Yeah. So?”

“So, that ‘thing’ we have between us, some call it chemistry, it bleeds through on the screen. I know you don’t watch the episodes besides the premiere and you often even don’t watch that one, but a lot of us do. That includes Vicky, and she stated more than once that, if Cas had been a woman Dean would have banged her already.”

Jensen who had taken a swig from his beer bottle, almost spit out his drink. He swallowed and started coughing. When it was over, he stared at Misha with red rimmed eyes filled with horror.

“God damn it! Are you kidding me right now?”

“Seriously, Jensen?” Misha was surprised. “Are you really that naïve or are you just pretending to be? I hope you know Kripke based your character on the bisexual character of ‘On The Road’. At least, that’s what he told me once.”

Jensen waved his arm. “Yeah, yeah, I know that. But that doesn’t mean the fans need to know that, and certainly not my family.”

“You played a bisexual character before,” Misha challenged.

“Yes. And do you know what hell I put my family through by doing so? They were harassed by people who told them they couldn’t believe they approved of that.” He jumped up from the couch.

Misha watched him as he padded to the kitchen and opened the fridge to pull out another couple of beers.

“What about all the hints, even in the first three seasons before Cas was on the show, that Dean isn’t 100% straight?” Misha pressed on. Surely he was aware of that?

“They are subtle, man. People who don’t pay much attention won’t even notice.” Jensen handed Misha a bottle and sat back down. “And if someone ever asks a question about Dean’s sexuality, I will say Dean is straight.” He held up his hands in a placating manner. “Not all my choice. It’s the network who told me to do that after that question did come up once, but I happen to agree with them.”

“And what about when a question arises again about the Dean and Cas chemistry?”

“Then I’ll deny it.”

Misha blinked. “So, you’ll lie? Basically saying the fans are delusional while you know they’re not? I hope they will never find out how little respect you have for them by telling them they are crazy.”

“What else do you want me to do, Misha? Tell them that, oh yes, Dean is bisexual and totally in love with Cas?”

“You could say the bond between Cas and Dean is more profound. It’s a goddamn line from the show said by yours truly which I already know made the final cut.”

“Yeah, well, considering the moaning audience from today, that might not have been a wise decision.”

Misha could not believe this. Who the hell was this guy? Where was the Jensen who professed his love for him in Vatican City? Oh yeah, that’s right, he was probably wandering around in Narnia.

Misha couldn’t take it anymore. He had to get out of here. Episode 6 had been wrapped last Friday and tomorrow they would start filming episode 5. Somehow the shooting of those episodes got switched. Since Castiel wasn’t in episode 5, Misha got a week off. Vicky was nearing the end of her pregnancy and Misha wanted to be there for her as much as he could. He was planning on flying home tomorrow and spending one last night with Jensen before they would be parted again for yet another week. Considering their conversation just now though, it may be best if he left tonight.

With a big sigh, he pulled out his phone and searched for the number of the airport.

Jensen frowned at him. “What are you doing?”

“Booking a flight to L.A., Misha replied without looking up from his Blackberry.

“I thought you already had.”

“For tomorrow, yes. I wanna change it to tonight.”

A moment of tense silence fell between them.

“Misha, please, don’t,” Jensen whispered. His voice was wavering. Misha was sure he heard a contained sob in it. He slowly moved his gaze from the phone in his hands to Jensen’s face. He immediately noticed the water of tears in his green eyes.

“I’m sorry.” Jensen looked down at his hands. “I just…I can’t. My…my family, the…the network…” He couldn’t go any further. The still unshed tears constricted his voice, but Misha knew what he meant to say. It wasn’t entirely his fault he couldn’t out Dean as bisexual and confirm there was more between his character and Cas. The network had something to do with it as well, and of course, his family. It wasn’t fair of him to lay it all on Jensen.

“Please, stay?” It was a broken plea from a man torn between who he was and who the outside world wanted him to be.

Misha closed his eyes and admitted defeat. He pulled Jensen into his arms, telling him it was going to be okay.

If he didn’t love him so much, he would have gotten up and told him to clean up his act, grow some goddamn backbone and stand up to everyone who tried to control him. And maybe, just maybe he should do just that just _because_ he loved him so much, but he couldn’t. It would hurt him a lot and it would possibly destroy everything they had built up so far. He couldn’t do it.

So, Misha stayed. He made a decision though. They might have control over Jensen, but no one had control over him. He wouldn’t let them. From now on, he would play along with the fans, not confirming anything, but not denying anything either and if they didn’t like it, well, then it was their problem, not his. He wasn’t going to change who he was.


	28. Character bleed

 

West Anaximander Collins made his entry into the world on September 23.

Misha was amazed as he looked with suspiciously glistening eyes at the tiny human in his arms. It truly was a miracle, and the best part of it all was that he helped to create it.

When Vicky was done feeding their son and he was nicely tucked under the blankets in the cozy hospital crib, basically being a happy baby, Misha decided to give both him and mommy some rest.

“Get some sleep now, while you still can,” he advised Vicky with a soft chuckle. He kissed the top of her head and quietly left the room, still trying to wrap his brain around the whole giving birth experience his wife went through. How did women do this? He had felt pretty helpless and useless while he watched his wife suffering through the contractions. They clearly were no laughing matter, that’s for sure. Vicky had told him that the actual birth was less painful.

The family were already informed the moment West was born. Now it was time to call Jensen with the happy news. If everything was on schedule, they should be on their lunch break now.

Jensen’s voice came over the line after the third ring. “Hey Mish.”

“I’m a dad,” Misha blurted out and then started sobbing which made Jensen instantly worried.

“Damn, Mish, are you okay? Is everything all right over there?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m sorry. Vicky is fine; tired, but fine and the baby…” He sniffed. “Oh God, Jen, he’s perfect. I’m just overwhelmed, that’s all.”

“Oh.” There was a smile audible in Jensen’s voice. “In that case, congratulations, man. I can’t wait to meet the new member of your family, and neither can Danneel, I’m sure.”

“Thank you.” Misha heaved a sigh. “So, how are things over there?”

“Same as usual. Busy. Oh, hey, I watched ‘Stonehenge Apocalypse’ yesterday.”

Misha groaned. “Oh no. I wish you hadn’t.”

“Why not. It’s not that bad, for a TV movie with a low budget, and your acting was good. There’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

“That’s nice of you to say, Jen. I still doubt I’m gonna watch it. The only reason I did it was because it gave me something to do last summer.”

There were voices in the background and he heard Jensen saying: “Jay, come over here, Misha’s a dad.”

Suddenly Jared’s voice boomed in his ear. “Hey, Misha. Congratulations.”

Misha chuckled. “Thank you.”

“Now that Jared knows it’s only a matter of time before the whole crew knows,” Jensen laughed. “But listen, I have to go. Thanks for calling. I’ll see you soon.” There was a beat of silence, then he whispered “Love you.”

“Love you too,” Misha softly replied, and then ended the call.

\-----

Misha hired a postnatal doula when Vicky was discharged from the hospital. Both he and Vicky thought she was a godsend. She offered them gentle support and guidance and helped with simple tasks around the house because, let’s face it, not only Vicky needed this in the early stages of motherhood, Misha did too. They were treading into unfamiliar territory here.

Misha also felt a lot better when he knew there was someone Vicky could rely on once he had to go back to work, and couldn’t be there for his wife 24/7 anymore. That’s why he was more relaxed when he attended the ‘Salute to Supernatural’ convention in Chicago and he didn’t have to worry so much. His wife and baby were taken care of and even if it was a bit hard for him to leave them, he was glad he could spend some time with Jensen.

This con had a different set-up. He didn’t have to appear on Saturday as usual, but on Sunday, and instead of Jensen and Jared having to do the ‘breakfast with fans’, it was him and Jared who did it this time.

Misha kissed Jensen long and hard before he got out of bed that Sunday morning. They had both arrived yesterday and had lost themselves in a night of endless passion.

“I’m totally gonna crash your panel today, you do know that, right?” Jensen said with a voice still thick with sleep.

“I’m counting on it.” Misha placed another close mouth kiss on Jensen’s lips. The love he felt for this man could still amaze him sometimes. He loved his wife and his new born son, but he loved Jensen just as much. He hoped Jensen realized that.

***

Jensen missed Misha’s panel and the moment Jared crashed it. He was at the photo op sessions when it happened. He was not scheduled to do a panel at this convention, not alone, not with anyone else, but the fans expected him to make an appearance at some point, and he couldn’t disappoint them now, could he?

The audience went out of their mind when he impersonated a fan who asked Misha to do his best impression of Dean and then joined him and Jared on the stage.

It was different with the three of them up there, but it was a good kind of different. Also, the fans enjoyed the hell out of it. They ate it up. Why couldn’t they plan a panel with the three of them in at every convention? It was clearly a huge success, and it showed beyond a shadow of a doubt that he and Jared loved Misha, unlike some delusional fans out there liked to believe. Those were the only ones who were pissed, claiming Misha deprived them from a J2 only panel and he had no business being up there with them. It had clearly slipped their mind that there wasn’t a J2 panel scheduled to begin with, and that Jensen didn’t even have to make an appearance if he didn’t want to.

Later he heard those same people had actually complained about it and no matter how much the organizers tried to explain that there was never a J2 panel planned, they didn’t want to hear it. According to them, Misha should have left the moment Jensen came on. They argued Misha wasn’t a lead and it was disrespectful to Jared and Jensen to put him up on stage with them. It was at that exact moment that Jensen knew the three of them weren’t going to do a panel together anymore, at least not at the cons organized by Creation.

Rogue events were going down the same route. Misha was an invited guest at Asylum 5 in Birmingham and Jensen and Jared weren’t, while last year, all three of them had attended. Same with the cons in Australia. They were clearly trying to keep them apart.

Misha exploded in a full body laugh when Jensen voiced his thoughts on it that evening when they were back in their hotel room.

“Jesus, Jen. You’re sounding like a conspiracy theorist.”

“Yeah, well, maybe. But I find it suspicious, okay? I mean, come on, it’s either you and the rest of the cast or Jared and me and the rest of the cast, but never all three of us at the same time like last year. This goes for both Birmingham and Sydney.”

“Oh Jen.” Misha wrapped both his arms around his waist and pulled him close. “We still have Rome, you know?”

Jensen put a smile on. “Yes, I guess we do.” He had completely forgotten about Jus in Bello. They were all scheduled for that event. Bless Daniela for not trying to keep them apart.

He surged forward and captured Misha’s lips. “We will always have Rome.”

***

Production closed for Christmas Vacation on December 16.

Misha invited the Ackles’ and the Padalecki’s over to spend New Year’s eve with him and Vicky, and their almost three month old son.

Misha got more and more worried about how his character was being written this season. Yes, they all were informed of Cas’s war on two fronts at the same time at the start of the season, but something was off. He felt like they were ruining this beautiful character Eric had created.

\-----

The shooting of ‘The French Mistake’ right after their break was over, was a lot of fun. Misha even live tweeted from the set during filming. Everything kind of went down the drain after that when it became clear that even though Castiel was still watching over the boys, trying to keep them safe, he betrayed them at the same time. Misha didn’t like it. He didn’t like it one bit.

The extent of that betrayal became clear when he got the script of ‘The Man Who Would Be King’. It was wonderfully written by Ben Edlund. It tightened up a lot of loose ends, explaining a few things, but goddamn it, it hurt. Misha was royally pissed after reading it, and that was an understatement.

“Come on, Mish. You’re an incredibly talented actor. I’m sure you can pull off those scenes without a hitch,” Jensen said after Misha exploded once they were back in the seclusion of their apartment.

“It’s not that. It’s just…what the hell are they doing? They are ruining the trust and the friendship Cas has built up with the boys.” He plopped down on the couch with his legs stretched out in front of him.

“I’m sorry.” Jensen came to sit beside him.

Misha waved his arm. “It’s not your fault. If there’s anyone to blame it’s Sera and Bob and I cannot _believe_ Eric agreed to it. I feel betrayed, Jen.”

“I know and I understand that, but it’s not really Eric’s fault. He’s not a showrunner anymore. Yes, they consult him, but in the end, they just do what they want anyway.”

Misha sighed deeply. Jensen was right, but still… Eric was still writing for the show, he even wrote the finale and refused to write him dead as discussed at the beginning of the season. The question now was whether he was going to give Cas a redemption arc or was he going to destroy him?

\-----

With Jensen’s help and support, and God knows he needed it, Misha got through the filming of ‘The Man Who Would Be King’. There was no doubt in his mind this was going to be a beautiful yet extremely sad episode.

It was hard, especially because he started to suffer from character bleed, which put a strain on his and Jensen’s relationship. Cas and Dean weren’t just quarreling this time, they were downright fighting and it was a heavy fight; a fight that could destroy their friendship.

Misha was glad the episode got wrapped up and he and Jensen got out of it in one piece, with their relationship still intact. He hoped and prayed the next two episodes, or at least the finale, would be better.

\-----

On March 13, Misha attended Paley Fest with Eric, Sera, Ben, Jim, Jared and Jensen. He was in the middle of an interview when Jensen passed behind him. He watched after him as he went by, but then Jensen retraced his footsteps.

“Wait, hang on. Let me fix this for you,” he said, and the next thing Misha knew, Jensen was adjusting his collar with the interviewer going all “Aww” about it.

Heat rose to his cheeks but there was also something warm pooling in his belly. It was endearing how Jensen took care of him like a boyfriend who took care of his boyfriend, to make sure he wasn’t running around at a big event like this with his clothes out of order.

What really rendered him speechless though was when Jensen slapped him on the ass when he was done and then casually walked away. He could not believe Jensen just did that in front of a fucking camera for the whole world to see. _What the hell?_ He only hoped nobody noticed how flustered he was and how he struggled for a few seconds to find his words.

The panel with all of them afterwards was not bad. He did sense some awkward tension between him and Jensen; a leftover of what they went through the previous week. Some of this was a bit relieved when Castiel’s voice was brought up and Jensen jokingly took them on a trip down memory lane, making everyone laugh and then patted him on the leg with the sincere words: “Nice job, man.”

Misha had a hard time not to flinch away and stay all casual about it.

By the time the day was over and he got home, he was drained by pretending all the time that everything was fine, while nothing was fine at all. It was exhausting to put on a mask and not let it drop. The only hope he had left was that things would get better; things _had_ to get better if he and Jensen wanted to survive this.

***

Jensen craved Misha’s touch. They hadn’t made love ever since the filming of ‘The Man Who Would Be King’ started, and Lord knows he longed for it. He did understand where Misha was coming from though. He had his fair share of character bleed himself, so, he gave him time, but it wasn’t easy tiptoeing around him or lying next to him at night and not being allowed to hold him. He tried it, once, just as a manner of comfort, but Misha had tensed up and had asked him not to do it.

At Paley Fest, he saw his chance when he noticed Misha’s collar was out of order. He even slapped him on the ass in front of everyone, not caring what people would make of it.

At the panel, he was seated next to Misha, but there was a bit of a gap between their chairs. Misha almost sat in Jim’s lap, that’s how far he shied away from him. He looked at him a few times, but Misha avoided his gaze until they started to make fun of Castiel’s voice and actually managed to make Misha laugh, even to look at him while he spoke. That’s when he couldn’t fight the urge anymore to touch him again and patted him on the leg.

They got the last two scripts on Monday. Cas didn’t get his redemption arc. It got even worse. He truly turned on the Winchesters, breaking the wall in Sam’s head and then gaining so much power swallowing all the souls in Purgatory, he declared himself God in the finale.

Misha lost it. He was clearly done hiding how unhappy he was. He picked a fight with Singer, was constantly on edge, and no matter how Jensen tried to calm him, it didn’t work.

With how Misha behaved, Jensen feared the worst. It could get him fired, especially because he didn’t sign a contract yet for another season as Castiel, mainly because they didn’t have any news yet about a renewal, and because they had hinted, at the beginning of the season, that they would possibly kill Cas off at the end. Of course they didn’t, Eric had put a stop to that, but that didn’t mean they couldn’t still change the script and do it after all. He tried to tell him that.

“I don’t fucking care, Jensen,” Misha yelled while shrugging off Cas’s trench coat in his trailer after another day of filming. “I don’t even want to play Castiel anymore if they continue to treat him like this.”

Jensen ran a hand through his hair. “Mish, please, just, reel it in, okay? They can still give Cas a redemption arc in the next season, but you have to tone it down, man.”

Misha huffed. “If there is a next season.” He sat himself down in front of the mirror and started to wipe the make up from his face.

“I know there isn’t any news about it yet, but we are all pretty confident we will get renewed.”

“Good for you.”

Jensen was at the end of his rope. With a sigh he plopped down on the couch. “Listen, I get it,” he said. “I’m not happy about it either. I mean, that’s some pretty heavy fight between Cas and Dean and I have to look at you with so much mistrust it’s fucking me up. Don’t think this is easy for me.”

Misha ceased his actions for a moment and looked at him through the mirror. “I know. And that’s why I won’t go back to the apartment anymore. From now on, I will sleep here.”

Jensen gasped. He couldn’t possibly mean that. Character bleed was bad, but this was seriously messed up. He knew things weren’t all too great between them at the moment, but this was ridiculous.

“Please, Mish, don’t do that,” he whispered.

“I’m sorry, Jen.” Misha shook his head. “I just can’t…” He swallowed audibly. “I just can’t be around you right now. Even having you here is hard for me.”

Jensen nodded in understanding, with tears burning behind his eyes. Again, he got it, but it hurt so bad he could almost physically feel it.

Without another word, he got up and left. Since he didn’t look forward to going to his apartment alone, he decided not to go at all. He found Jared and told him he would stay in his trailer and probably would spend the rest of the season there.

Jared shot him a more than confused look, but didn’t ask any questions. The guy probably knew what was going on. Everyone who had eyes knew it, but Jensen couldn’t care less. The only thing he wanted was this horrible season to be over already.


	29. JIB 2011

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Basically a happy chapter. Enjoy it. The next one is gonna get a bit angsty.

 

Misha didn’t know how to feel when he heard that Jensen was staying in his trailer as well, not that he had much time to _feel_ anything. He was too busy battling Castiel who was raging inside of him being angry and sad, because the people he considered his friends didn’t trust him enough to know what he was doing in his efforts to prevent Raphael starting another goddamn apocalypse. Didn’t they see he had to do this? That it was the only way to defeat the archangel? Why couldn’t they just back him up after all he had done for them?

 _Fucking hell!_ What was he doing? He wasn’t Cas, he was Misha, but it seemed his alter ego was taking over. It was so bad he couldn’t even look at Jensen in those last days of filming. It was all so messed up on an epic level. He tried to keep his sanity through it all, but it wasn’t easy.

Relief washed over him when the final cut sounded and the season was a wrap. It was finally over and not a moment too soon. There had been moments he had thought he would lose it all together.

As Misha walked to his trailer, he could slowly feel Cas leaving his body. By the time he got out of the shower, the last inklings of the angel were gone and he was himself again. He plopped down on the couch and with his hands over his face, he started sobbing uncontrollably. He completely broke down.

He didn’t know how long he had been crying, letting the tears flow freely as they took the strain he had been under with them, when a knock on his trailer door sounded.

“Yeah,” he yelled, voice still hoarse. He quickly wiped away the steady trail the tears had left on his cheeks. He was surprised that it was Jensen who entered.

Jensen warily looked at him. “Is he gone?”

“You mean Cas?”

“Yes.”

“Yeah. He’s gone.”

“Good.” The relief on Jensen’s face was clear as he let out the breath he had obviously been holding. There was even the hint of a smile visible on his lips; the first one in weeks. God he had missed him.

The emotions that were swimming in Jensen’s green eyes told Misha he felt the exact same way. It made them simultaneously cross the distance between them. Their mouths crashed together in a heated kiss that had to bridge six whole weeks.

“Fuck me,” Jensen whispered, pulling at Misha’s shirt to take it off.

“No. It’s been six weeks, Jen. You’re too tight and I’m not patient enough for foreplay.”

“I don’t care. I need to feel you inside of me.”

Misha was as eager to be buried inside of Jensen as Jensen was to feel him. If Jensen wanted to be fucked, he wasn’t going to deny him that. Still, it made him a bit worried. Fucking someone without prep wasn’t that much of a big deal when said fucking was done on a regular basis, but it had been six weeks and he didn’t know if Jensen was still loose enough.

Exchanging scorched kisses, they stumbled to the bedroom, almost tripping over their own feet and knocking a few things over along the way.

By the time they reached the bed, almost all their clothes were gone, scattered all over the trailer floor.

Jensen peeled the last pieces of fabric from his body and then turned, to sit on his elbows and knees on the bed, naked ass beautifully exposed.

Misha lubed up a finger and rubbed Jensen’s rim. He didn’t want to take any chances. The last thing he wanted to do was to hurt Jensen, no matter how impatient they both were.

“God damn it, Mish, get a move on.” Jensen bucked his hips. “It’s fine.”

“Okay, okay,” Misha said with a chuckle. He made quick work of lubing up his cock and with one careful, but fluid move, slid inside Jensen’s hole.

He gasped at the tightness as Jensen’s body clenched around his cock. He held still to let Jensen adjust to his thickness, but the guy wouldn’t have it.

“Move,” he urged Misha on.

Misha placed his hands on either side of Jensen’s hips and slowly started to push in and out. This felt so good. It had been way too long. Not having sex because they couldn’t be together during hiatus was one thing, not having sex because their characters had fucked with their headspace was an entire different ballgame. Misha hoped he never had to go through that again.

The loud yet appreciative moan that spilled from Jensen’s lips told Misha he had found his prostate. He picked up the pace, slamming in and out while chasing his orgasm, but holding back from tipping over the edge until he felt Jensen contracting around his cock, accompanied by a cry of pleasure coming from the guy’s mouth. Only then did he let go, and pumped himself frantically to completion.

Afterwards they laid side by side, surprised at the unexpected sex they just had. The sticky wet spot where Jensen had spilled his release was the only thing that prevented them from crawling into each other’s arms; at least Misha hoped that was the reason for the gap between them.

Deciding not to overthink it, Misha got up with a groan. He padded to the bathroom, suppressing a slight shiver from the sheen of sweat on his body that was slowly drying up.

He cleaned himself and put on a pair of fresh boxers before going back, bringing a wet washcloth for Jensen. He ordered him to get off the bed so he could remove the dirty comforter.

Reluctantly, Jensen did what he was told. Another small wet spot was visible where some of Misha’s semen had dripped from Jensen’s hole. Misha hoped the people who washed the dirty linen from the trailers didn’t notice. Oh, who was he kidding? Of course they were going to notice when pieces of the fabric of the comforter seemed to be glued together; they weren’t idiots.

While Jensen was wiping his cock and his stomach clean and ran the washcloth over his hole, Misha folded the comforter up into a ball and threw it on the floor. He was surprised when Jensen threw the dirty washcloth on top of it and crawled under the covers.

“Ehm. We’re staying here?” he asked, not sure what to think of it.

“Yep. I don’t feel like leaving. Now get in here.”

A smile tugged at one corner of Misha’s mouth. He didn’t need to be told that twice, and as soon as he got into the bed, Jensen pulled him into his arms.

Misha wasn’t entirely at ease. “What if someone comes looking for us?” he wondered. He gasped when he realized something. “Shit. I didn’t lock the door.”

“Relax. Jared knows. He’s got us covered.” Jensen pressed a kiss against Misha’s temple. “Now get some sleep.”

Misha hummed in reply and closed his eyes. He didn’t know what the future held in store for Dean and Cas, but at least he and Jensen were fine now.

***

Jensen and Misha said their goodbyes after the wrap party, and only spoke over the phone for the next two weeks until they headed to Rome for their second Jus In Bello convention.

With what happened last year, Jensen looked forward to another Roman holiday with Misha.

As soon as Jensen entered Misha’s hotel room that Friday afternoon, they fell onto the bed, taking their sweet time at making love; jet-leg be damned.

They stayed in their room for the rest of the day, and the night, getting as much rest as they could in preparation of what no doubt was going to be a crazy weekend. He wasn’t wrong.

After his autograph session on Saturday morning, Jensen decided to crash Misha’s panel, since his own panel was right after that. He snuck up onto the stage. The crowd started screaming, but immediately toned it down when he put a finger against his lips, signaling them to be quiet about his presence.

Having a hard time not giggling out loud and spoiling that he was right there, he calmly poured some water in a mug and sprinkled Misha with it.

Misha whirled around, eyes wide with surprise, and then put a huge smile on his lips when he saw it was just him.

“Hey babe,” Misha whispered for no one to hear and Jensen could see his stage persona was crumbling down. When he handed Misha the mug and then slung an arm round his shoulders, that was it for Misha. The wall he always built up between him and the audience was gone for a second and the fans got a glimpse of the real Misha.

Misha awkwardly reciprocated by wrapping his own arm around Jensen and for one glorious moment, they were just standing there, arms around each other for the whole world to see.

As soon as they released each other, Misha put his wall back up again.

After some talk about how warm it was underneath the spots and how on earth Jensen managed to get the crowd to be so obedient, Jensen shoed him off the stage. Tomorrow they would do a whole panel together, the first one since Misha started doing conventions. He would be lying if he said he wasn’t looking forward to it.

\-----

After lunch, Misha butted in on the J2 panel. Jensen immediately knew it was him as soon as he asked a question in this weird sounding accent.

Jensen tried to hold it together, being all serious about it, but when he asked in what accent Misha was talking and Misha answered ‘Indian-Russian’, he genuinely lost it. He jumped from his stool, laughing so hard tears were forming at the corners of his eyes. Misha never failed to do that. It was part of the reason why he loved him so damn much.

Misha didn’t come on stage to join them which Jensen kind of regretted. He longingly looked at the side of the stage where he caught Misha, surrounded by shadows, walking away.

\-----

After Rob’s concert, they all went out for drinks and got totally wasted. Going on a binge while jet-legged, falling into bed at five in the morning while they had to get back up three hours later, wasn’t a good idea. Misha looked terrible.

“Poor baby. I told you not to drink so much,” Jensen said, a bit amused, while trying to get him up and about.

Misha groaned. “Why didn’t you stop me, or at least drag me back to the hotel at a decent hour.” He pulled a pillow over his head.

“I tried. You wouldn’t listen. Now be a man about it and get out of bed.” Jensen pulled the covers from Misha’s naked body, exposing his firm ass. He licked his lips. Damn. If they weren’t in such a hurry he would give into the temptation to fuck him into the mattress right now.

A knock on the door sounded and a muffled voice coming from Misha’s manager Julie from in the hallway asked “Is anyone alive in there?”

Suddenly Misha was wide awake. “Don’t open the door,” he almost yelled in a panic, and jumped up. Jensen thought he never saw him putting on a robe faster in his life to cover himself.

Julie entered the room, bringing breakfast. She was also one of the people who knew he and Misha were together, but she also knew how to keep her mouth shut. If the word got out, it wouldn’t come from her.

She put the tray on the table and looked from Jensen to Misha and back, sighing deeply.

“Seriously, guys? Why aren’t you dressed yet?” She seemed to think it over for a second and then immediately followed with “Don’t answer that. I really don’t wanna know.”

Jensen burst out laughing. “It’s not what you think.” He waved at Misha who had plopped down in a chair at the table. “ _You_ try to get his drunken ass out of bed.”

Julie shot him a bitchface. “By the looks of it I think I just did. Now get into that shower Ackles, while I try to get some coffee into this guy’s system and get him moving.”

“’He’ is sitting right here,” Misha grumbled, and boy if he didn’t sound extremely sexy.

Jensen turned around without another word and padded to the bathroom. Yep, that definitely was going to be a cold shower he had to take.

\-----

Jensen felt sorry for Misha when he saw there were literally about a hundred people waiting in line to get his autograph. Poor guy was totally being herded. Since they were running late everything was rushed, but Julie handled it all very well. He had to hand it to her, she was pretty efficient.

He was doing photo ops when she came over to him.

“Your panel is right after Misha and Sebastian’s, right?”

Jensen frowned. “Yeah. Why?”

“Can you come in early? If that’s possible.”

Jensen was at a loss. “What’s going on?”

“Sebastian still seems to be drunk. He is going completely mad and totally insane. Misha tried to keep up with him, but he is so done. I’m afraid he’s gonna explode any minute if Seb doesn’t tone it down a notch.”

“I’ll be there as soon as I can,” Jensen said with a nod.

When Jensen approached the microphone to ask a question, impersonating a fan, he saw that, yes, indeed, Misha was done. He looked extremely uncomfortable about something Sebastian said, and didn’t even try anymore to keep up his stage persona. It was right then that Jensen realized Misha was in trouble.

In a thick, Russian accent, he asked his question. Misha seemed to be out of it, trying to be funny, but failing epically. Jensen thought it was time to put him out of his misery and entered the stage.

The smile Misha gave him was radiant and full of relief when he wrapped his arm around his shoulder. The one he shot him when he handed him the microphone was that from a man who was ready to kill someone. Jensen was honestly shocked. That had to be quite some panel.

He took over and sensed that Misha relaxed, but Lord did he look tired. He hoped he had the sense to get some sleep before their panel.

His own panel after signing off Misha and Sebastian went smoothly. The answer to the question of a fan who wanted to know what his best memories of Rome were, wasn’t hard. He told them the truth about the trip to the Vatican which Danneel had organized, but didn’t specify who he was with. The fans didn’t need to know it had been just him and Misha. It would lead to speculations he wasn’t ready to deal with.

Sunday evening rolled along and with it, the thing Jensen looked forward to the most: his panel with Misha.

Jensen noticed pretty quickly that his panel with Misha was nothing like his panels with Jared. They couldn’t be more different.

Another thing he noticed was that Misha let go of his stage persona in his presence. He was himself, being flirty and shy and Jensen was totally on board with that. They sure brought out the best in each other.

So yeah, Jensen flirted back. It only took one look into those mischievously glinted eyes to throw all caution overboard and go along with it.

They got a piece from the script ‘When Harry met Sally’ and were asked to reenact that. It was the part with the fake orgasm, much to the audience’s delight.

They turned their chairs around to face each other and when the part came where Misha faked an orgasm in front of Jensen, Jensen got all hot and bothered. His crotch area started to grow very tight. Not that Misha sounded like that when he came, not at all, but it reminded him of what exactly he _did_ sound like, and that was not something he wanted to think about in a room full of fans.

Jensen was sad when the panel was over. It sure was the highlight of this convention. He wanted to do more panels with Misha like this, but he also knew Creation was never going to agree to it. The fans here in Europe were different from the fans in the States, who would complain and throw temper tantrums like five year olds when they did that.

They stayed a few more days in Rome before they headed home to L.A. where they visited each other on a regular basis.

So yeah, at that time and at that point in their lives, everything was perfect…too perfect almost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everything about the panels at JIB 2011 happened as described.  
> And yes, Misha's agent at that time was a woman named Julie, and she was there. (I don't know if she's still his agent today).


	30. The beginning of the end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tiny bit of angst.

 

Misha was working in his yard with the Los Angeles sun beating warm on his back. He already had to take off his shirt because it was getting too hot.

Vicky strolled over to him with his cell phone in her hands. “It’s Julie,” she said, handing him the device.

Misha wiped his hands on his jeans before taking it. He gave his wife, who was signaling him she was going out shopping with West, a nod to tell her he understood and then turned his attention to the caller.

“Hey Julie. What’s up?”

“I’m afraid I have some bad news for you,” Julie’s voice came through the phone. She sounded a bit strained.

“Oh? What is it?”

“It’s not official yet, but the network just renewed Supernatural. There’s gonna be a season 7.”

Misha frowned. He didn’t quite understand.

“And that’s bad news because…?”

Julie sighed in his ear. It was a sad sigh; a sigh that made Misha’s stomach turn slightly, and then he knew. Cas wasn’t going to be in it.

“Is it about Castiel?” he asked, just to be sure.

Another sigh sounded. “Castiel will be written off the show. You’re contracted for two episodes as a special guest star, and then that’s it for you.”

“So they basically fired me.” It wasn’t a question.

“Pretty much.”

Misha clenched his jaw. “Who?” he asked. “Whose idea was this and why?” He needed to know; he _deserved_ to know. They owed him that much.

“Misha that really isn’t important…”

“It is important to _me,_ ” Misha cut her off. “Now tell me. Who’s idea was this? Who fired me?”

There was a beat of silence before Julie answered. “Singer.”

“Of course.” Misha let out a bitter laugh. Robert never really liked him, and neither did Sera for that matter. The way they had written Castiel was enough proof of that.

“Did he say why?”

“Basically they felt like Cas’s story has to come to an end. They say his stay was long overdue.”

“Right. Right. And the fact that I didn’t keep my mouth shut about how unhappy I was with how Cas was written didn’t have anything to do with that decision, right?”

“You know I don’t know that, Misha. If it did, they’re not gonna tell me that.”

“God damn it.” Misha paced circles in his back yard, not quite knowing what to do with himself. It was a bitter pill to swallow. But could he honestly say he didn’t see this coming? Hell, they already wanted to kill Cas last season. It was Eric who had put a stop to it.

“Look, if it is any comfort, the fans will not like it,” Julie went on. “I’m sure of that. I’ve been on social media a lot. Just like you, Cas’s fans were not happy with how his character was written. They are screaming for a redemption arc.”

“That really doesn’t do me any good does it,” Misha said.

“Maybe not. But, listen to me for a second. First of all, you’ve been longer on the show than we expected when you got the role. Do you know why?”

“Ehm, according to Eric it was because Cas was so very well received?”

“Exactly. You’re a fan favorite with a larger fan base than they think. Did you know that the ratings are tanking? They’ve been holding steady for five years and went up when Cas was introduced, but now, when it becomes more clear that Cas is the bad guy, people are furious and they stopped watching. If it is any consolation, I think they are making a big mistake by killing Cas off.”

Julie’s words did offer Misha some kind of comfort. It didn’t save his job though. He was still thinking about it long after they ended the call.

Misha wasn’t as much upset about Cas being killed off than it was what this would mean for him and Jensen. No more stolen moments making out or having sex in trailers during filming, no more living together in perfect domestic bliss when in Vancouver. It was all gone. They had taken that from him.

Tears burned behind his eyes. Soon they fell. He had to keep it together. They were still living in the same city, right? Jensen would be home every weekend and he could always visit him in Vancouver. They also still had a few conventions together, at least until the fall. He knew that would soon change. Once Cas was gone, he wouldn’t be invited anymore. And worst of all, what about Rome? He thought they would always have Rome. They had taken that away from him too now. That’s what hurt the most.

He was still processing everything in his head, making sense of it all, when his phone rang. The caller ID told him it was Jensen.

For a second the thought of not answering it crossed his mind. How much did Jensen know? Had he already been told Dean would lose his best friend?

Hoping his voice didn’t sound too hoarse from the tears that were still stuck in his throat, he picked up with a simple “Yo”.

“Hey Mish, it’s me. Have you heard the news yet? We’re getting renewed.”

It was obvious Jensen was still in the dark about Cas’s fate. He sounded way too cheerful.

“Yeah, I’ve heard. I just got off the phone with Julie.” Misha tried to sound happy, and he _was_ happy, for Jensen. Yet he couldn’t help sadness seeping through in his voice, and Jensen wouldn’t be Jensen if he didn’t catch that.

“Mish what’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing,” Misha brushed him off. Why would he bother Jensen with his pathetic reaction to his character being killed next season? It wasn’t that big of a deal, it’s just the way things worked. Julie was right. Cas had already been on the show a lot longer than expected. He should be glad he lasted that long.

Jensen, however, didn’t buy it. “You can’t fool me, Mish. Out with it. What’s wrong?”

Misha took in a deep breath. He leaned his head on his neck and closed his eyes. Wouldn’t it be better if Jensen heard the news about Cas from him? He knew Jensen well enough to be sure that he would be pretty upset if he heard it from someone else, especially after this phone call.

“Are you busy? Can you come over?” Misha therefore asked, deciding that yes, it would be better if he was the one to break the news to Jensen.

“Sure. I can be there in an hour.”

“Great. See you then.” With that, he ended the call.

Misha whipped up a healthy salad and some homemade sugar free iced tea for lunch. It gave him something to do to get his mind off Cas’s upcoming demise. It was all still so surreal, like he was caught in a bad dream he couldn’t wake up from.

He was setting the patio table for lunch for him and Jensen when Jensen strolled into the back yard. They hugged and shared a chaste kiss before Jensen plopped down on a chair at the table.

Misha disappeared inside and came back out with the salad and the tea. He put it all on the table and waved his arm at Jensen to dig in.

They ate in silence for five minutes – at least as far as pushing the salad back and forth on his plate could be called eating that is. Misha’s stomach was in so many knots he couldn’t get anything down, not even if he tried.

“Are you gonna tell me now what’s going on or are you gonna keep on taking whatever it is that’s eating you out on your salad?” Jensen broke the silence first. The glint in his green eyes demanded some answers.

Misha shook his head. He put his fork down and leaned back in his chair. “They’re gonna kill Cas.”

Jensen blinked. The fork with a piece of salad on it that was on its way to his mouth, ready to be devoured, froze mid-air.

“They _what_?” With a crash the fork landed back down on the plate.

“They’re gonna kill Cas,” Misha repeated his words calmly in the same tone of voice.

“They can’t do that!”

“Yes, Jensen, they can and they will.”

“Well, over my dead body.” Jensen’s face turned more red with every passing second. It was obvious he wasn’t very happy about it, and that was an understatement. Furious probably was a better word to describe the emotions that were playing on his face. He took a deep breath, and then another to calm himself before he asked “Whose idea was this?”

“Singer’s.”

“Oh really? Who died and made him showrunner?” Jensen spat sarcastically. He jumped up with such force his chair fell to the ground. “Who the hell does he think he is that he can fire people like that?”

“Well, he can’t. He probably had to run it by Sera, and since she isn’t one of my biggest fans either, she agreed.”

“Of course she agreed, she already wanted to kill him off last season. She never liked Cas and a lot of had to do with the Dean/Cas chemistry. It wouldn’t surprise me at all that that’s why she totally destroyed their friendship, since Eric refused to write him dead. She’s no better than all those rabid fans who think Sam and Dean are in this incestuous relationship.” He shuddered. “God fucking damn it!”

Misha’s eyebrows shot up. He hadn’t thought about that. Jensen might have a point there. She became showrunner, and the next thing they knew she systematically ruined the strong bond Cas and Dean had.

“Shit, Jen. I think you’re right.”

Jensen sat back down. “You can be damn sure I’m right.” He ran a hand through his hair. “She couldn’t get rid of Cas under Eric’s reign, but now she can do whatever the hell she wants. But, you know what? I’m not letting her get away with it.”

“Jensen.” Misha let out a tired sigh. “There’s nothing you can do about it.”

“Oh no? You just watch me.” Jensen dug up his phone from the pocket of his shorts.

Misha watched him in surprise. “What are you doing?”

“Calling Singer and telling him to change his mind, or he can do season 7 without me.”

“Wow, no, Jen, don’t.” Misha reached out and put his hands over Jensen’s to prevent him from making that call. He looked straight into his green eyes.

“Baby, don’t do that,” he softly continued, gently rubbing his thumbs over the flesh of Jensen’s hands in a soothing manner.

“Why the hell not?”

“Because you can’t disappoint a lot of fans who love the show, by quitting. Besides, I don’t want you to fight my battles for me. It is what it is. I’m not gonna hide behind you.”

Jensen let out a shivering breath. “You do know they are gonna ruin the show, right? Hell, they are already ruining it. Have you seen the ratings?”

“Yes. Julie told me. They are barely holding.”

“Watch them tank even more next season. I strongly believe it’ll be the last one with what they’re doing right now. I mean, come on. Do they really have their heads so far up their ass they don’t see it?”

“They are too blinded by their hate for Cas to see it, Jen.” And wasn’t that the sad truth?

“I’m telling you Mish, the fans are not gonna have any of it.”

“That maybe so. But, again, there is nothing we can do about it.”

Jensen shook his head. In his eyes Misha could see the water of tears.

“I don’t wanna lose you, Mish.”

That’s what this was really all about, wasn’t it? Sure, Jensen was upset that they were going to kill off Cas, but he was more concerned about what that was going to mean for them.

“You won’t lose me,” Misha said. Who was doing the comforting now? “We live in the same city, close by each other. I will still be there to film the first two episodes with you guys and there are a lot of conventions we’re both scheduled for. And I can still come to visit you in Vancouver. Nothing’s gonna change. The only difference is that I won’t be on the set anymore.”

“That’s a pretty big difference if you ask me, Mish. Damn, man. I’m gonna miss you like crazy.”

“I know.” Misha reached out over the table to take Jensen’s hands again. “I’m gonna miss you too, but we will make it work.”

“You promise?”

“Yes, I promise.”

Misha meant it. He was going to do everything in his power to keep that promise.

***

Despite his promise to Misha, (well, it wasn’t exactly a _promise_ but still), Jensen made some calls. Maybe he could convince those idiots to change their minds, maybe not, but he couldn’t just sit back and do nothing. That’s not who he was. He wanted to get to the bottom of this whole mess.

His first call went to Eric. After the few episodes he had written for season 6, he would now back off completely but would still and always be available as a consultant. This was still his show after all. He had created it and all the characters in it with Cas as the one he was the most proud of.

Jensen could still remember what Eric had told him once. During the first three years, Eric had always been afraid they wouldn’t get a renewal. But then Misha came and the ratings spiked. For the first time in years, Eric could sleep again because he was confident now that with Misha, he would get to finish his five year story arc.

Eric picked up the phone with “Hey Jensen.”

“Eric. Have you heard the news yet?”

“About the renewal? Yes. I was the first one the network called.”

Jensen closed his eyes. “What about the other news. About Cas.”

There was a tense beat of silence before Eric replied “Yes, I heard about that too.” Jensen swore there was a sad edge to his voice.

“Were you consulted on this?”

“I was. And I told them it would be a grave mistake.”

“You did?” Jensen was surprised although he shouldn’t be. He should have known that at least Eric still had Misha’s back. Not that it mattered anymore. That much was proven.

“Of course I did. Why are you so surprised, Jensen? Did you forget I was the one who refused to write him off last season?”

“No, I haven’t forgotten that. That’s why I honestly thought they would listen to you.”

“Yeah well, they don’t. I give them my advice and they can take it or leave it. In this case, they left it, and before you’re gonna ask me to try again to change their minds, I already did. I moved heaven and earth to try to make them reconsider, I presented them with valid arguments why killing Cas would be a big mistake. They just wouldn’t listen. I don’t call the shots anymore.”

“I know, I know.” Jensen had to admit defeat. He ran his free hand over his face. “Did they tell you why?”

“They will always say it’s because of the way Misha behaved last season, but I know that’s just an excuse. There are underlying factors, things that bothered them and they needed a reason to get rid of him. Misha unwillingly gave them that reason, sadly enough.”

“Like what? What factors?” Jensen asked, although he could already guess.

“Basically it’s the chemistry you and Misha have. Singer doesn’t like it period, and Sera doesn’t like it because she doesn’t want anyone to come between Sam and Dean. Why else do you think she had us write Cas as the big bad and destroy the deep friendship Cas and Dean have?”

“Jesus fucking Christ,” Jensen exploded. He was right all along, just like he told Misha only yesterday. How pathetic could one be?

“I’m sorry, Jensen. Please don’t quote me on this because it’s all speculation on my part. They will never admit to it if they are confronted with it.”

“No, man. I won’t say a thing. Thanks for talking to me and for confirming what I already suspected.”

“Anytime, Jensen. You hang in there, okay? And keep an eye on Misha. This mustn’t be easy for him.”

“Ya think?” Jensen snorted. “He was so glad to be a part of something for once, to be a part of the family and they took it all away from him.”

“He will always be a part of the Supernatural family, Jensen. Just tell him that, okay?”

“I will. Thanks, man.”

“No problem.”

In the minutes after the call ended, it slowly dawned on Jensen that there was nothing anyone could do. If even Eric couldn’t change those two idiots’ minds, then no one could. It didn’t mean he wasn’t going to give Sera and Singer hell for it. Oh no, they weren’t going to get away with it that easily. What were they going to do if he went off on them? Fire him like they fired Misha? That would really be the same as signing the death sentence of the show, if they hadn’t already signed it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, they already wanted to kill Cas in the finale of season 6. I don’t know for sure, but I strongly suspect Eric put a stop to it. He was still writing for the show at that time and well, it was still his show; his creation.   
> Bob fired Misha, that we know. But since Sera was show-runner it’s logical to assume she had to agree. I know now why they did it, but that will be revealed in chapter 32.  
> Yes, Eric did say he slept a whole lot better after Misha came on the show. He said in an interview that for the first time, he wasn’t afraid of a cancellation anymore.


	31. Lies and promises

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I had the urge to strangle Sera while doing research

 

“Wait a minute.” Jared pinched the bridge of his nose. “Let me get this right. When we were informed about the overall story arc of season six last year, they said Cas would probably be killed off in the finale, right?”

Misha nodded. “Yeah.”

“But Eric blatantly told them he didn’t wanna have any part in that and so they let it go. I mean, we were all there.”

“Yep,” Jensen confirmed. He turned some burgers on the barbecue in his back yard.

Jensen had invited them all over for a pool party. The women were already splashing around in the water, having a blast giving West his first swimming lessons. Misha fondly watched them playing around with him.

“So, if Eric could stop them then, why couldn’t he stop them now?” Jared wondered.

“Because he isn’t on the show anymore,” Misha replied. He took a sip from his iced tea. “As a writer and most importantly the creator of the show, he still had some power. Now that he’s gone completely, they can do whatever they want.”

“So what? They let him live in the finale to kill him off at the start of the next season?”

Misha nodded. “Basically.”

“Damn, man. I’m sorry.” Jared leaned over and patted Misha on the leg. “I’m gonna miss working with you.”

Misha threw his head back and laughed. “You mean you’re gonna miss ‘messing’ with me.”

“Well, that too.”

It turned out to be a nice afternoon among friends, despite the bad news Misha had received about a week ago. Everyone shared their thoughts on the matter and their concerns about the future of Supernatural. They all agreed on one thing: it was a bad idea to let Cas go.

Gen was probably the only one who could relate to what Misha felt, although not entirely. She had only been working on one season. Misha had three whole seasons of history to leave behind.

\-----

Misha had a convention in Brazil on May 29. He left with Vicky and West two weeks prior, planning to make a vacation out of it. They stayed in Rio de Janeiro, visiting beaches and waterfalls, and relaxing for the most part.

His panel at the convention was somewhat annoying. The translator kept interrupting him and the people who asked the questions. He kindly asked her to translate the question after it was fully asked. Same for his answers. It went a lot smoother after that.

People wanted to know about Cas and what was going to happen now that he had declared himself God.

For a moment, Misha contemplated taking revenge and just spoiling the fact Cas was going to die. What did he have to lose? He was already fired, or he would be after shooting those first two episodes. It was so fucking tempting, but then he thought about Jensen and how it wouldn’t be fair to him, so he decided against it. Instead, he told the fans the writers were planning to kill Cas last season. A warm feeling washed over him when the audience made it very clear they didn’t like that.

The fans also grumbled in disappointment when he said he wasn’t going to be in many episodes next season and that his relationship with the Winchesters was going to change; that it was going to be different from now on. Oh if they only knew what he meant by that.

When a Destiel question came up, he answered it with no problem, especially because these Brazilian fans didn’t get annoyed by it. It was refreshing and a big fuck you in the direction of the ones who hated it. They should come over here and take some lessons in common decency from these fans.

During his two week vacation in Brazil, Misha had found a silver lining about Cas’s upcoming demise. He could spend more time with West and concentrate on other projects, like the one in Haiti funded by his charity Random Acts. He wouldn’t be bored, that’s for sure. Thinking about all these things helped him cope with the very sad truth that he had to leave a whole new found family behind soon.

***

At the ‘Salute to Supernatural’ con in Nashville a week after Rising con in Brazil, Jensen was constantly on edge. Misha had to get extra security because it came to their attention that there was a project running on Tumblr called ‘Operation Kill God at Nashcon’.

Jensen was furious, and that was putting it mildly. What the hell was wrong with people?

If this was about Cas, they could spare themselves the trouble. The writers were going to do that for them. But this wasn’t about the character, this was about Misha, and that was not okay.

“Relax, Jen. You don’t honestly believe they are stupid enough to try something, do you?” Misha asked. They were lying in bed after having some amazing shower sex.

Jensen turned onto his side. “Are you kidding me right now? One, just ONE mentally unstable fan is all what it takes to cause you some serious harm. I’m worried, man.” He could not believe Misha took it all so lightly. Some crazy fans made threats on his fucking life. This was no laughing matter.

“Well, don’t be.” Misha reached out his hand and gently traced the outlines of Jensen’s face with his finger “I will be fine. I have extra security. Nothing’s gonna happen.”

Jensen loved the sweet caress. It was soothing and an act of tender love meant to relax him.

“I just…I just don’t want anything to happen to you, you know? I don’t think I will be able to handle that.”

Misha’s finger ended on Jensen’s mouth. “It’s going to be okay, Jen.” He surged forward and captured his bottom lip. “It’s going to be okay.”

\-----

Jensen watched Misha like a hawk whenever he could. He wouldn’t let him out of his sight. Despite the fact that he led Jensen to believe he wasn’t worried, Jensen sensed that he was. He had turned up his usual bullshit a notch at his panel; answering questions with jokes, even when a question was asked about his son. Only when fans asked about his charity or how his project in Haiti was going, he got serious and genuine and the real Misha shone through his stage persona.

Much to Jensen’s relief, the weekend went by without an incident. He was glad it was over.

The rest of hiatus was spent with visiting Misha, or Misha visiting him, and making preparations to direct his second episode. It would be episode three and it would be the first one to be filmed.

\-----

Misha came to Vancouver on July 17. The shooting of the first episode would start the next day.

It was a mutual decision to stay in Vancouver, and not fly home over the weekend, until Misha’s days on Supernatural were over. They were running out of time and had to make the most of it.

San Diego Comic Con happened during the filming of the first episode. Misha was invited, of course, but they both knew it would be his last one. That knowledge overshadowed the whole big event experience.

Jensen was proud of Misha at how well he held it together during the panel. It gave him the strength he needed to not do or say anything stupid himself, especially when he was seated next to Sera and the following thing was asked:

“Sera, this might be a loaded question, but how much will we see Castiel this season? What is his role in this season?”

Jensen took in a deep breath. He looked at Sera, and his eyes probably shot daggers when she started to answer, carefully avoiding his gaze.

“We want to tell you everything about Misha, because we love Misha as much as you do, and about Castiel because we adore the character as much as you do,” she said. “But, you saw the cliff hanger, it was very… cliff hangery, so, we want you to tune in. We can’t say past what you know, which is that he’s going to be in the first couple of episodes, so, watch those and then bug us about it again and I’ll tell you a little more.”

During her answer, Jensen picked up his water bottle and took a gulp. He had to do something with his hands to prevent them wrapping themselves around Sera’s neck.

She loved Misha? She adored Castiel? That certainly was news to him. He broke character, bent over to the microphone and said with a snarl “Well, that was really informative.”

Of course, the audience didn’t know what he _really_ meant by that, but he was sure Sera did. She should be glad he didn’t say anything more like “Is that why you fired him? Because you love him so much?” but he knew she could see it in his eyes. He wasn’t going to forgive her anytime soon, and he made that very clear. Sure, he could be professional while on the set, but they weren’t on the set at the moment. He wasn’t going to be a big hypocrite in front of her and act like everything was fine when everything wasn’t.

Misha tried to answer questions directed at him in a joking manner and succeeded half of the time in making the audience laugh. He even managed to make Jensen laugh, but Jensen could hear the tremble of desperately held back emotions in his voice.

The next time Jensen got pretty worked up was when the deaths in Supernatural were discussed and Sera was asked if she had to make a lot of phone calls.

“We actually do make a lot of phone calls to actors, recurring actors on the show,” she answered. “It’s a good and polite thing to do as a producer to call an actor when they’re going to get pages that say they die, and one of the things we say is that death doesn’t mean on Supernatural what it means on other shows.”

Jensen wanted to punch her. Her answer made his blood boil. Misha had to hear it from his fucking agent that Cas wasn’t going to make it past episode two, and that there were no plans to bring him back.

The panel ended, and not a moment too soon. If Jensen had to spend one more second sitting next to that woman, he was going to strangle her.

There was one thing that lit up the day though. He was in the middle of an interview when he felt someone pressing a sweet little kiss on the back of his neck. He looked up and saw it had been Misha. The warmth of a blush crept over his cheeks when he pointed with his thumb to Misha and told the interviewer “and…and not this guy” because well, he was talking about Sam and Dean.  
Somehow, it made him feel better even if Misha had done it in front of a camera, for everyone to witness.

***

Misha felt…empty, drained, and above all exhausted. He almost fell onto the couch in Jensen’s hotel room suite, hardly able to keep his eyes open.

“Hey, man, you okay?” Jensen asked.

Misha knew it was a rhetorical question. He answered it anyway.

“No, Jensen, I’m not,” he said around a big sigh, while slinging an arm over his eyes.

“I’m sorry.” Jensen patted his legs. “But if it’s any consolation, I’m pretty tired as well from keeping myself from strangling Sera the whole damn day.”

Another sigh left Misha’s lips. With a groan he pushed himself into a sitting position.

“It’s not about Sera. It’s about putting on a happy face, pretending everything is okay where Cas is concerned, while all I wanted to do was just scream.”

Jensen frowned. “How is that not about Sera? She’s the reason you’ll be gone soon.”

“I know, it’s just…ugh.” He rubbed his face with both hands. “Look, I’ve made my peace with it, okay? And you should too, for your own sanity.”

“Seriously?” Jensen snapped as if he couldn’t believe what he had just heard. “Well, I’m sorry that I can’t just forgive and forget.”

Misha turned to him, putting one leg on the couch, bended at the knee. “I’m not telling you to forgive and forget. I’m asking you not to hold a grudge. It’s not healthy. Besides, you heard her, right? Death on Supernatural doesn’t mean the same as death on other shows.”

Jensen rolled his eyes. “You actually believed her?”

“Well, yeah.” Misha shrugged. “She wasn’t exactly lying, you know?” He took Jensen’s hands. “I have to hang on to the fact that maybe, just maybe, they will bring Cas back. It’s the only way I can deal with it right now. And in the meantime, there’s conventions and I have a lot of time on my hands to concentrate on other projects.”

“Damn, Mish.” Jensen stared at their interwoven hands. There were tears audible in his voice. “I’m not ready to let you go.”

“Hey. I’m not gone yet.” Misha forced a smile onto his mouth. “I told you we’ll be okay, and we will. I promised you that, didn’t I.”

Jensen huffed a sad laugh. “Yeah, you did.”

“Then trust me.”

The green eyes that looked up at him were filled with hope. “I do trust you.”

“Good.” Misha surged forward and put his lips on Jensen’s.

They made sweet love full of desire and passion that night. Afterwards, Misha pulled Jensen into his arms, cherishing him like he was a treasure, enjoying the warmth and the closeness of his naked body pressed to his own. This was a man he never wanted to lose. He had become as precious and as important to him as Vicky. Together with his son, his wife and Jensen were the most important people in his life right now. If he were to lose either of them he wasn’t sure he was going to be able to survive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Misha was taking a vacation in Brazil with West and Vicky two weeks before the con.  
> There was indeed a project on Tumblr to 'kill God at Nashcon'. Misha did have extra security.  
> Everything that was said at SDCC is true. You can look up the panel on youtube. You can see Jensen wasn't very happy.


	32. Food poisoning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, we finally gonna find out why Sera did what she did.

 

Time flew by, and the day Misha would leave permanently grew nearer. He didn’t know if it was that or something else that made him sick to his stomach the morning the filming of episode two started. He was only going to be in this episode for a few minutes, at the very beginning. They wanted his scenes to be over by tomorrow before the weekend started.

He woke up before the alarm clock went off and boy did he feel sick. It was so bad he had to get up and run to the bathroom where he puked his guts out in the toilet bowl.

“You okay?” Jensen asked standing in the doorway to the bathroom, voice still thick with sleep.

“Yeah. Probably something I ate. I think it’s the salmon. It tasted funny.”

The mere thought of it made him bend over the toilet bowl again, bringing up more of his stomach contents.

“I _told_ you not to eat it, Mish. That fish had been sitting in the fridge for too long. It’s a miracle it didn’t walk away.”

“Ha, ha, ha, very funny. But, in my defense, it still smelled good. I would have known if it was spoiled.”

Thinking the worst was over, Misha got up from the floor in front of the toilet and turned on the shower. “Good thing I’m a man so I at least don’t have to worry I might be pregnant,” he joked.

Jensen almost choked. “Jesus, Mish,” he breathed.

His reaction made Misha frown. With his brows knitted together he turned to face his friend.

“What? It’s true, isn’t it?” His frown grew deeper. “Fuck, Jen. Don’t tell me I just gave you the scare of a lifetime with something that is one hundred percent impossible?”

“I’m  not stupid Misha, of course I know it’s impossible,” Jensen snapped. He took in a deep breath. “It was just…I don’t know.” He shrugged. “It was a nice thought, if it was possible.”

Misha blinked in surprise. Did this mean Jensen actually loved him enough to raise a child with him? In this secondary relationship they had going on aside of their marriages?

“Oh, Jensen.” He took a step towards him and wrapped him in his arms. He didn’t kiss him, not with that foul taste in his mouth.

Jensen buried his face in the crook of his neck. He pressed his lips to his shoulder and then Misha had to push him away because another wave of nausea hit him. He dropped to his knees and threw up again even though there was nothing left _to_ throw up. It fucking hurt.

“I think I better make breakfast,” Jensen said, like that was gonna help.

“Well, not for me.”

“Mish, it really is better you try to eat _something._ It’ll be less painful to vomit with something in your stomach.”

With his head almost in the toilet bowl, Misha waved his arm, signaling ‘whatever’, bringing up another amount of nothing but pure bile. It was disgusting. Maybe Jensen was right. Maybe he should eat something, even if it was only to have _something_ to throw up.

\-----

To his own surprise, Misha did feel a bit better after eating some light toast and a cup of tea.

The ride to the set however, was a nightmare. His stomach started to act up again, but he managed to keep everything down and not soil Clif’s car with the breakfast he just had.

As soon as they arrived on the set, Misha tumbled out of the vehicle and ran to his part of the three banger that was appointed to him. (Since he wasn’t a series regular anymore, he was condemned to the three doors). He barely made it. As soon as he opened the door, he emptied his stomach into a bucket.

Things got worse during the day. He wasn’t just nauseous anymore; his stomach hurt like a bitch, like it was constantly poked with needles. If that wasn’t bad enough, he got cramps, causing some serious diarrhea. He ended up spending  most of the time between takes on the couch or sitting on the toilet.

People constantly asked him if he was okay. Jesus, no, he was not okay, wasn’t that frigging obvious? Why did they even ask? Yet he dismissively waved his arm, saying it was fine, and hoping to God his scenes got shot soon before he passed out.

Covered in sweat and being very woozy, he tried to get through his next scene. He often looked at the pail to vomit in. Black goo oozing from his head and dripping into his mouth didn’t help the situation.

He looked at Jensen who was sitting next to the camera with a ‘this is horrible’ expression on his face.

At some point, Jensen couldn’t take it anymore. “Guys, it’s over. We’re going home. We’re not doing this now,” he said shutting the whole production down.

If Misha didn’t feel so sick, he would have kissed him. It was super nice of Jensen to step in like that, because he really could not do this.

Jensen told Clif to ride them back to the apartment and without changing their clothes, they left, with Misha holding the pail close to his chest.

At home, Jensen helped him out of his Castiel attire and put him into the shower to clean up. Then he ordered him into bed with a voice that wouldn’t tolerate any contradictions, so Misha didn’t even try to argue. He was way too weak to do it anyway.

He couldn’t lie down for the life of him though. He had to sit up.

Jensen piled up some cushions behind his back to make him comfortable, and handed him a bucket.

“You rest,” he said with a finger pointed at him. “I’m gonna call a doctor.”

Misha groaned. “Please, don’t.”

Jensen’s eyebrows shot up. “Are you kidding me right now, Mish?” He waved his arm. “Look at you. You’re so sick you’re even running a fever.”

“I know, but it’s probably a mild case of food poisoning and if it is, then there’s nothing a doctor could do. It has to run its course. I just have to stay hydrated. It should get better within 48 hours.”

With his arms crossed over his chest, Jensen regarded him with narrow eyes. “So, what, you wanna wait it out?”

“Yes. If it isn’t better by Saturday, then you can call a doctor.”

Jensen sighed deeply. “Fuck, Mish. I really would feel a lot better if you just let me call one _now_.” He looked at Misha, green eyes pleading. There was a lot of concern laying in them.

“Okay, fine,” Misha finally gave in. Protesting would just tire him out more. If it made Jensen feel better, he could go right ahead.

\-----

After asking some questions and a full examination, the doctor who visited an hour after Jensen called him, diagnosed Misha with food poisoning, just like Misha had suspected.

“Happy now?” he asked when the man was gone.

“Actually, yes,” Jensen replied. He looked a lot more at ease. “Now at least we’re sure you have what you said you have.” He placed himself on the edge of the bed and started to feed Misha some ice chips he had brought from the kitchen, when his phone went off.

Jensen put the bowl with ice on the night stand and took his phone. He looked at the caller ID and then rolled his eyes at Misha before answering with a booming ‘yes’ like he was annoyed.

Misha squinted. Judging by Jensen’s body language, it was probably Bob or something.

“No he can’t come tomorrow, he won’t be better by then,” Jensen said into the phone while pacing the bedroom floor.

Misha heard someone talking at the other end of the line but couldn’t make out what was said.

“I don’t fucking care if it messes with the planning,” Jensen exploded. “He has to walk into a fucking body of water. Do you think that’s beneficial for his health? Besides, what’s it to you if he shoots his scene tomorrow or next week. It’s not like we’re filming chronologically.”

Misha blinked. Wow. They wanted him to come in, sick or not, while Jensen was right, and his scene could be shot next week because they were not filming in chronological order. They really were anxious to get rid of him, weren’t they.

“Now, do you need me today or not?” was the next thing he heard Jensen say.

There were a few beats of silence in which the person on the other end replied.

“That’s not what I asked,” Jensen snapped. “I asked if I was needed today or not.”

Another moment of silence.

“Thank you. That’s all I needed to know.” Furiously, Jensen pushed the end call button while muttering “Fucking idiots.”

“They’re so nice, aren’t they?” Misha said, trying to be sarcastic but sounding sad instead.

Jensen resumed his place on the edge of the bed. He took the bowl with ice chips and continued to feed them to Misha. “Screw them.”

Misha let the ice melt in his mouth. “You know,” he said, swallowing the water. “Maybe I should go to the set tomorrow and get it over with. That way I will be out of their hair…”

“Like hell you will,” Jensen abruptly cut him off. “You’re gonna stay in bed and rest like you’ve been told. Don’t you dare show up tomorrow because I will kick your ass.”

“Yes mom,” Misha said with a chuckle. Next, his stomach acted up again. “Oh fuck.” He took the bucket and threw up in it. All that came out was water.

“Okay. That’s enough for you.” Jensen stood up. “Try to sleep a bit. I’m gonna put this away.” He turned and left the room.

***

It was hard for Jensen to see Misha this ill. And then those fucking idiots wanted him to come in tomorrow. Well, over his dead body.

He threw the ice chips in the sink, took a bottle of water and made some more for later.

If everything had gone according to plan, Misha would have been wrapped today. He would have stayed an additional day in case some things had to be reshot, and they had decided to spend a final weekend together until Misha had to fly home on Monday.

It looked like there was now going to be a slight change in plans. Misha’s illness bought them a couple of extra days together.

\-----

Jensen set his alarm clock half an hour earlier so he could be sure Misha was comfortable, and had everything he needed, before Clif came to pick him up.

A lot of genuinely concerned people including Jared, asked him how Misha was doing. The majority of the cast and the crew loved him and had already expressed how they were going to miss him being around. Too bad the showrunner didn’t feel that way. Jensen could barely look at the woman.

He called Misha regularly, and was glad when he told him he had made some toast and had actually managed to keep it in his stomach. By the time he got home that evening, Misha’s fever was also gone.

“You think you’re up for some light dinner?” he asked, after placing a sweet kiss on his forehead.

“I don’t know.” Misha shrugged. “I’m still nauseous. It’s not so bad I want to throw up every five minutes and at least those excruciating cramps are gone, but my stomach is still pretty upset.”

“Can you try?” Jensen pressed on. Misha needed to eat something more than the two pieces of toast he had so far during the day. His weight loss was starting to get noticeable.

“Jensen,” Misha said with a big sigh. “I honestly don’t have much of an appetite and I’m really not hungry.”

Jensen gave up. “Okay then. But I’m still gonna make some plain rice and chicken in case you do want some.” He padded to the kitchen to start dinner, hoping the smell would make Misha crave some of it. The guy was sick, he got that, and he couldn’t very well push food down his throat, but damn it, he needed his strength back by Monday to get through his scenes.

\-----

Misha’s health improved considerably over the weekend, mostly due to the plenty of rest Jensen had ordered him to take. He couldn’t be happier when Misha told him he was hungry that Saturday evening. It meant the worst was over. Things could only improve from this point on.

He was right. On Sunday Misha was his old self again, having eggs for breakfast, a light salad for lunch and again chicken and rice for dinner. It was the most he had eaten since Thursday when this whole thing started. He was even up for some sex that night, and Jensen was more than happy to provide him with an amazing frottage session.

***

“Glad you see you feel better,” Clif greeted Misha when he got into the car after Jensen.

Misha nodded. “Thanks.”

Also, Jared expressed his happy feelings to see him all healthy again, and so did a lot of the crew when they arrived on the set.

Misha had to bite back the tears when he went to make up and then changed into his Cas attire. Last Thursday he was too preoccupied with how unbelievably sick he was to think about it, but now it hit him full force that this would be his final scene. The worst of all was that he wanted to do so much more with Cas’s demeanor but couldn’t, because they had shot some of his scenes, the ones where he wasn’t facing the camera, with his double, and he had done things differently.  

The walk into the lake and then disappearing under water had to be done in one take, preferably.

The supposed lake was nothing more than a small body of water just outside the set and only a few feet at its deepest point. Misha had to sag down on his knees to completely disappear.

He started walking into the water, which was so cold he gasped as he was going deeper and deeper.

Arriving in the middle, where it was marked for him, he took a large breath, dropped to his knees and went under. This was it for him as Cas. This was the end. Cas was officially written out of Supernatural.

He resurfaced and heard Guy Bee shouting “That’s a wrap.” Thank God for that. He really didn’t want to go through the pain of doing what he knew was his final scene again.

People clapped for a scene well done as he made his way back out of the lake.

“Good job, man.” Jensen said while wrapping a big blanket around him. “Now go take a warm shower.”

Misha shivered. “Thanks.” He managed a smile as he wrapped the blanket tight around him and went to his compartment of the three banger.

It wasn’t until he stood underneath the warm spray that he let the tears freely flow.

\-----

The next day on set was hard. People told him how they were going to miss him and wished him well. Misha got so emotional about it that he had to hide in his part of the three banger most of the time.

Sera dropped by, which surprised him to say the least. She said she was sorry. Yeah, right, like he was going to believe that. If she was so sorry, than why the hell did she agree to this?

“May I sit down?” she asked as if she had just read his mind. “I owe you an explanation.”

Misha waved his arm. “Yeah, sure.” He wondered what kind of ‘explanation’ she was going to give him. He was dying to know what excuse she was going to come up with.

“Look. First of all, I wasn’t lying back in San Diego. I do like you, Misha, and I like Cas too.”

“Then why?” Misha interrupted her. He placed himself on the couch beside her. “I mean, you have to admit that your actions speak a whole other language than your words.”

Sera held up her hands in a placating manner. “All right, all right. You are right. That’s why I need to explain some things.”

Misha squinted suspiciously. “Okay.” Was she going to lie, or was he at last going to know why exactly he was written off the show.

“The ratings of last season went down,” Sera said after taking a deep breath. “Did you know that?”

“Yes. I have heard about it.”

“You know why?”

Misha frowned. What was she trying to say here? “According to Julie it’s because people didn’t like how Cas was written; making him the bad guy.”

“No, Misha.” Sera shook her head. “Ever since season five, fans have been complaining about Cas’s presence. They wanted him gone, even back then. So, we tried to kill him off last season, as you know, but, also as you know, Eric wouldn’t hear of it. So, instead of killing him, we made him the big bad and made him turn against the Winchesters, hoping it would satisfy the fans. Clearly we were wrong. They really want him gone.”

Misha was flabbergasted, and that was an understatement. This was unbelievable. He pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Sera, did it ever occur to you that maybe Julie is right? And that the ratings tanked because you made Cas the bad guy?”

“I don’t think so,” Sera replied. “Fans didn’t complain about that. They complained about Cas, and they say with him gone, the people who left will come back again. They don’t like him because he screws with the Sam and Dean dynamic.”

Misha jumped up from the couch, fuming. “Since when do you let fans dictate the show? Or a man’s job for that matter?”

“Misha, please understand,” Sera begged. “We almost didn’t get renewed because the ratings took a dive. We convinced the network to give it another chance by taking the show back to the basics. Sam and Dean and no one else.”

Misha threw his head back onto his neck and looked up at the ceiling of his compartment, huffing out a sarcastic little laugh.

“Those fans really don’t care about the show, you know that, right?” He looked back at her. “The only thing they care about is Sam and Dean fused at the hip and preferably dying for each other on a loop.”

“Well, if that’s what they want…”

“And to hell with the quality of the show?”

“Misha,…”

“No. Say no more. I get it.”

Sera stood up with a big sigh. “For what it’s worth, nothing is set in stone. Let’s just see how it goes, okay? I just…I wanted to explain.” She stared at her hands. “I hope you don’t hate me.”

 _Oh for heaven’s sake._ “No, Sera, I don’t hate you. I do think however, you are listening to the wrong crowd here. But, like you said, let’s see how it goes.”

Sera nodded. “Thank you.”

Misha stared at the door of his compartment she just disappeared through. She had been baited and she took the bait, costing him his job. It was disturbing to think people hated him this much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The food poisoning was real. I think everyone knows that. It started during the filming of episode two. The reason I believe that, is because Misha was telling about black goo oozing from his head when he was so sick and the only time he had black goo on his head was in episode two.  
> Yep, Jensen in fact shut the whole production down because Misha was so sick. Gotta love a protective boyfriend    
> Also, this is basically one of the truths why Misha was fired. Sera was in fact baited. They listened to the wrong crowd of people, the ones who glorify toxic codependency and fetishizes incest. Well, we all know how well that worked out for them, don’t we? The ratings hit the floor.


	33. All good things come to an end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something's brewing...

 

Misha told Jensen all about his little talk with Sera later that evening.

“I don’t fucking _believe_ this,” Jensen almost shouted with his hands on his head. “How stupid can they _be_? And where the hell are _your_ fans to put a stop to it?”

“Jensen, my fans think they have nothing to worry about. They know I’ll be in season seven. They don’t know yet they’re gonna kill Cas. We have to wait until the episodes air to know how they are going to react to it.”

“Well, not good.” Jensen plopped down on the sofa. He threw his head back on the cushions. “Season seven is gonna be a fucking disaster, mark my words.”

“Yeah, well, I know that and you know that. Try telling _them_ that. Just, don’t hate Sera, okay? She has the show’s best interests at heart. I know that now. We judged her too hard.”

Jensen rolled his head to the side to look at him. “Maybe. But she should know better than to listen to a bunch of fans,” he spat.

Misha let out a tired sigh. They could talk about it and be angry about it all they wanted; in the end it wouldn’t make any difference and he would still be fired. It was a waste of energy.

He took Jensen’s hand. “Let’s go to bed instead of wasting our time expressing how angry we are.” He stood up, reached out his hands and pulled Jensen up as well. He stole a quick kiss from his mouth before escorting him to the bedroom.

The roughness and the desperation with which they made love one last time that night would leave Misha sore as hell tomorrow, not that he cared. He wanted to feel it for days. Tomorrow he would have to leave; tomorrow he would board a plane to L.A., not sure if it would bring him back anytime soon. As much as his heart ached at the prospect of leaving his life here behind, there was nothing anyone could do about it.

***

Jensen missed Misha tremendously. He was angry and felt lost without him. He thanked all his lucky stars he still had Jared. He would have gone out of his mind if it wasn’t for his best friend’s endless jokes and pranks, even though they had a sad tinge to them. It was obvious Jared missed Misha as well. Still, it wasn’t the same as having Misha around.

Sure, there had been times in the past when Misha wasn’t on the set, but that was different. Every time he had to leave for a few weeks, there was always the knowledge that he would come back. Even during the long summer hiatus where they missed each other, they always had the certainty they would be together again when it was over.

Now Misha wasn’t coming back. Jensen had to let him go, and it hurt like hell.

They visited each other in L.A. on a regular basis, but it wasn’t the same as living together in Vancouver. The lazy morning sex, the stolen kisses at breakfast, the just chilling on the couch on rainy Vancouver Sunday afternoons…all gone, just like that.

They got some of it back when Misha came over the week of the ‘Salute to Supernatural’ convention in Vancouver. For a few glorious days, they could pretend nothing had changed, but they both knew that bubble would inevitably burst when Misha had to fly home again on Monday. Jensen didn’t know how much of this he was going to be able to take before he completely broke down. It was torture.

Thank God Misha spent another week with him in September and another one in October before they headed to the con in Toronto. It was after that event that everything kind of came to a screeching halt. The episode featuring Cas’s death had already aired and the fans were outraged when it came to their attention that it was permanent, but then Social Media started to buzz with rumors. Misha was seen in Vancouver, with Jensen. Didn’t that mean Cas was not dead after all? Sera put a lid on it by saying that yes, Cas was really dead so no, Misha was not filming. He was just visiting a coworker.

All of this wouldn’t have bothered Jensen that much if those rumors didn’t reach his family in Texas. It was at a Sunday dinner that his mom asked about it.

“Oh, Misha and his family come visit sometimes and then we all hang out together,” Danneel saved the day. It was a little white lie she told, and for now it stopped the questions from his family. But what about next time?

The sudden realization that he had to stop it before it was too late, made him sick to his stomach. He had to end things. They had been living in a goddamn fantasy. It was fun while it lasted, and they were able to pull it off while they were working together, but not anymore. Everything became way too real and literally hit too close to home. His family could never find out about his open marriage and his secondary relationship with Misha.

***

Misha went straight to Jensen’s hotel room suite when he arrived in Chicago for Chicon that Friday night. They hadn’t seen each other since the convention in Toronto. Jensen hadn’t even attended the renewal of his and Vicky’s wedding vows as a celebration of their tenth anniversary. It had taken place in a supermarket with both of them in drag and a bunch of vegetables as a wedding bouquet. They were weird like that.

Jensen had called him though, but Misha had sensed something was off. He couldn’t quite put his finger on it, but he had felt it in his bones. It stirred something ugly in his stomach; something that scared him.

That feeling had haunted him the whole next week. It wouldn’t leave him alone. Maybe it was because the upcoming con in Chicago would be their last convention together in…well maybe forever. He had one more convention after this, in Europe, without Jensen, and then that was it for him; then everything would really be over.

With a bittersweet taste in his mouth caused by the upcoming finality of all things, he knocked on the door.

It was with a faint smile that Jensen opened the door. He stepped aside to let him in and then gave him a quick hug. It made the knot in Misha’s stomach grow even tighter. This was not normal behavior; not by a long shot. Usually, after not seeing each other for a while, they would fall into each other’s arms, trading kisses that would take their breath away until they were fully sated, not this, whatever the hell ‘this’ was.

Misha opened his mouth to say something, but Jensen beat him to it.

“You had dinner yet?”

“Ehm…no. Jensen…”

“We’re going out,” Jensen cut him off. “You wanna join us?”

Misha blinked. What the ever loving fuck? Why was that even a question? He answered regardless. “Of course.”

Jensen grabbed his jacket. “Come on then.” He brushed past him and opened the door.

Misha couldn’t do anything but go along with it, hoping he would get some explanations soon.

\-----

Jensen loosened up during dinner, probably because of all the wine. He became his touchy feely self with Misha as always when he had too much to drink.

Jared, also slightly drunk and never being able to keep his mouth shut, blurted out that Gen was pregnant. That news gave them even more cause for celebration. By the time they were back at Jensen’s suite, they had a happy buzz going on.

Misha fondly watched Jensen taking off his shirt and snapped a picture of him with his phone.

Jensen froze on the spot. “What the hell, Mish.”

“Relax. I just took a picture of your profile,” Misha giggled while tapping on his phone. He posted the photo on Twitter with the words: ‘I’m not normally one to talk about coworkers, but Jensen just let me take this picture of him shirtless’.

Jensen snatched the device from his hands. With eyes that grew wider every second and a face that became more red with either anger, embarrassment, or both, he read the tweet.

“Delete it,” he said, giving him back the phone.

Misha shook his head with a frown. “Why?”

“Just do it.”

“Not until you tell me why. It’s a fucking harmless joke, Jensen.”

“No, it’s not, and you damn well know it. Fans don’t need to know we are together in the same goddamn hotel room. The rumors are bad enough already.”

Misha took a deep breath. Jensen was still worried about the rumors. He had to be honest with himself though. With this picture posted on Twitter, he kind of hoped fans would draw the right conclusions about him and Jensen. If they were outed they wouldn’t have to sneak around like they did right now, especially because he wasn’t on the show anymore.

“Rumors never bothered you that much, Jen.”

“They reached my family,” Jensen shouted. “They are wondering why you spend so much time with me in Vancouver when you have no business being there.”

That was really the truth of the matter, wasn’t it? His family. Misha should have known. He was still dancing to their tune. With a big sigh and while shaking his head, he deleted the tweet.

“You know, Jensen, you are a grown ass man of 33. Don’t you think it’s about time you be who you are and not who your family wants you to be?”

Jensen immediately got defensive. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“That means that you are still putting on a mask for their sake. What are they gonna do when you come out about us? Disinherit you?”

The audible gasp that left Jensen’s lips hung heavy in the air between them. _Shit_. Maybe he had gone a bit too far this time, but damn it, it was true.

It was not like Misha didn’t understand Jensen’s struggles, he did, but it had been three fucking years. Wasn’t it about time Jensen grew up and make at least an effort to find the courage to face his family?

For a second, he thought Jensen would explode, that’s how red his face became, but then he watched him slowly relaxing. His shoulders slumped as if he had been carrying a heavy load.

“No,” he said with his head hung low. “I’m not afraid _of_ my family, but _for_ them. I have witnessed firsthand how hateful people can be when my aunt came out. I can’t put my family through that again.”

Misha inhaled deeply. “Okay then,” he breathed out. He turned and started to walk away only to be stopped by Jensen who almost yelled in a panic “Please, stay.”

There were a lot of things Misha could resist; Jensen wasn’t one of them. He closed his eyes and took another calming breath. He turned back around to find Jensen almost immediately attacking his mouth in a scorching kiss. His lips were forced apart by a soft tongue that demanded access and then tangled with his own.

This was it. This was the greeting Misha had expected when he knocked on that hotel room door earlier this evening, and boy did it feel good.

***

Jensen hated himself. He had made the decision to end things with Misha this weekend, and yet here he was, laying in the guy’s arms after a round of passionate sex.

He didn’t regret it, he would never regret having sex with Misha, but it wasn’t fair to make him think they were fine when they weren’t. The feeling was so horribly painful, it made his eyes water with tears because he loved Misha with everything he had. Still, he couldn’t go on like this; _they_ couldn’t go on like this. Sooner or later they would be exposed and then shit would really hit the fan. It was a ticking time bomb.

He could only imagine the outrage of some part of the fandom; the part that thought he and Jared were in this super-secret relationship. They would probably massively stop watching, and the show was in trouble as it was already. They couldn’t afford to lose more viewers. Not that Jensen really cared. If he had to choose between Misha and the show, he would choose Misha, no doubt. That wasn’t really the problem. The problem was his family, as he had explained about a thousand times over again. Everything would turn into one big ugly mess if he didn’t stop this. Making a clean break was the best he could do for all parties involved. It would hurt like a frigging bitch, he had no illusions about that, but what else was he supposed to do?

\-----

The convention went by as all conventions went by: normal. Nothing earth shattering happened, well, not at the con itself that is. Outside the con, that’s a different story.

Jared texted Misha at two in the morning on Sunday to come to his room to wrestle, followed by a text that read: ‘come on, don’t be gay’.

Jensen rolled his eyes when Misha showed him the messages, but they both went to Jared’s room for a midnight wrestling match. It was fun among friends even though both Jared and Misha fractured their ribs and Misha also screwed up his elbow. He didn’t know he could tap out. It was an honest mistake. Jensen assumed he knew he could do that.

He felt pretty bad about it when he saw the pain Misha was in when they returned to their room.

“It’s okay, Jen, I’ll live,” Misha laughed it off when Jensen tried to apologize for letting him get hurt like that. “But I think sex will be out of the question for a few days.”

His words were like a punch to Jensen’s gut. It made him tear up because sex between them would be out of the question for forever if he went through with his plan to break things up.

He swallowed around a heavy lump in his throat. With a forced smile on his lips, he crawled into bed beside Misha. Carefully, he pulled him into his arms. It would be the last time they spent the night together like this. Tomorrow, it would all be over, for tomorrow he would have to break a good man’s heart for the sake of everyone, and for his own sanity.

A small voice in the back of his head whispered he would probably break his own heart in the process.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Misha did snap a photo of Jensen and posted it on Twitter but then deleted it and yes that happened on Friday during Chicon. Since Misha was still his bubbly and happy self during the weekend, it probably wasn’t exactly the reason for the break up.  
> Jared did text Misha for a wrestling match at that con. Misha told the audience this during his panel. In 2012 they all talked about a wrestling match and so there’s reason to believe they referred to this one. Jared and Misha did get hurt.


	34. The break up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was...painful to write.

 

There was a lot going on inside Jensen’s brain on Sunday; a lot of thoughts to work through. Luckily all the events he had to attend, and the autograph and photo op sessions, provided him with enough of a distraction not to go bat shit crazy with over analyzing things.

The more the day progressed, the more anxious he became for the talk he was going to have with Misha tonight. At one point it became so bad he almost bailed out on it, not sure if he could really do it.

It was near seven in the evening when the convention officially ended. They all hung out in the green room, making plans to go out to dinner, and then went to their hotel rooms to change.

Jensen was still contemplating if he was going to do it now or wait until after they had eaten, when he suddenly blurted out: “Misha, we need to talk.” He was surprised the words came out that easily. It was like his brain had shut down and his body took over.

Misha was in the process of unbuttoning his shirt. His actions slowed down until they fully ceased. The worried look that appeared on his face and the confusion in his big blue eyes were almost too much for Jensen to bear.

“I…don’t like the sound of that, Jen,” Misha said with a slight quiver in his voice.

Jensen almost lost it. For one fleeting moment he wanted to fling all his plans overboard, walk over to Misha, cup his face and kiss him senseless, telling him to forget it. It took all the strength he could come up with to restrain himself from doing just that.

“I can’t…do this anymore,” Jensen finally forced out with his gaze fixed on the carpet. He didn’t want to look at Misha, afraid of the hurt he would see playing on his face. He didn’t know if he could take that.

“Can’t do _what_ anymore exactly?” The question was asked so eerily calm it was scary. Jensen knew it was the calm before the storm.

“You mean us? Are you breaking up with me?” Misha continued in the same calm tone of voice. “And will you look at me, goddamnit.”

Jensen moved his eyes up and was met with a pair of pained blue ones that had turned a shade darker from the anger that was building up in them. “Yes,” he whispered.

“Why? Because of the rumors?”

Jensen nodded. “Among other things.”

“What other things?”

Jensen honestly didn’t think he could go through with telling Misha the biggest lie he had told so far in his life. But, he had to do it. He had to say it. Misha had to hate him or he was never going to back off completely, and Jensen knew he was never going to be able to resist him. He took in a deep breath.

“I guess I just don’t love you anymore,” he said, bracing himself for the massive hurt he was going to be faced with in Misha’s eyes. No matter how prepared he was however, it wasn’t enough because what he saw? The amount of pain that he caused? That was going to haunt him to his grave. He was sure he had never hated himself more than in that particular moment.

The silence that fell was tangible. For a few tense moments the only audible sound came from the traffic outside, however faint that was. It was Misha who instigated the explosion that was waiting to happen.

“Are you fucking serious?”

“Oh come on, Misha. We both knew it was never going to end well from the moment it started.”

Misha gasped in disbelief. “Fuck you Ackles,” he yelled, with a finger pointed at him. “Remember, three years ago? Movie night at Jared’s place? I was fucking _ready_ to walk away. I wanted to go out that door that night, but _you_ stopped me; _you_ pinned me against that wall.”

“Oh and now all of a sudden it is _my_ fault?” But shit, Misha was right.

“You promised I was not going to be the next Austin Peck, or did you conveniently forget about that because, well, here we are.” He huffed out a sarcastic laugh. “The minute you were off that show, you walked away, and now you’re walking away from me too. The only difference  is that it’s me now who isn’t on the show anymore. What actor they’ll hire as a regular is gonna be your next victim? Tell me in advance so I can warn the sorry sonofabitch to stay as far away from you as possible so you can’t feed him the lies you fed me.”

“I never lied to you.”

“Right.”

“I didn’t. Everything I told you in the past few years was true. It was a glorious time and I will probably remember it as one of the best in my life.”

“Well. You have a funny way of showing it,” Misha bit out. He sounded so bitter it broke Jensen’s heart. Hell, his heart was already broken by merely doing this to Misha.

“No one is at fault here, Misha.” Jensen tried to compensate some of the hurt he had inflicted on him. “We both let things get out of hand. We were living in a dream we eventually had to wake up from, you know?”

“No, Jensen, I don’t know,” Misha said around a big sigh. He was calmer now, yet still so fucking angry, Jensen could see it in his whole demeanor.

“What happened to you? What happened to the man who, not long ago made me promise we were going to be okay? That we were gonna get through this?”

Jensen shrugged. “I guess he woke up from the dream.”

“No.” Misha furiously shook his head. “To me, it wasn’t a dream. It was _like_ a dream, maybe, but it wasn’t a dream. It was all real and you just destroyed it in every way imaginable.” He grabbed his jacket and walked to the door. He already had the doorknob in his hand when he stopped, as if he remembered something. “Wait a minute.” He whirled around. “Did you already have this whole thing planned when I arrived here Friday night?”

Jensen swallowed hard. He ran a hand through his hair. “Misha…”

“Tell me. Did you?” Misha shouted.

Jensen couldn’t do anything other than tell him the truth. “Yes,” he admitted.

“So, you led me to believe, this whole fucking weekend, that we were fine? We slept in each other’s arms last night for fuck’s sake. We had sex the night before that, and all that time you were planning to break up with me?”

Jensen nodded, not trusting his own voice if he said something now. He couldn’t look him in the eyes. A sudden shame washed over him because of what he had done.

“You fucking asshole,” Misha yelled. “You took advantage of me one last time only to dump me and toss me aside like a used washcloth when the con was over.”

“Misha, I…”

“Shut up,” Misha interrupted him briskly. “I don’t want to hear another word coming out of your mouth. It would only be lies and hollow excuses anyway.” He shook his head.  “You have hurt me so much worse than any other person has hurt me. I hope you’re satisfied now, and don’t worry, you won’t see or hear me again.” He left the room, slamming the door behind him, leaving the words hanging heavy in the air.

Jensen sagged down at the edge of the bed, exhausted, _drained_ from the heavy fight. This was really it then. He would probably never see Misha again unless they were going to bring Cas back, but so far there was not even a hint of an indication they were going to do that.

Suddenly, the severity of what he had just done hit him hard, like a slap in the face, when he realized that he was right. He did break his own heart in the process of breaking Misha’s.

***

The mist of tears blurred Misha’s vision as he hurried to his own hotel room. Once inside, he searched his phone for the first available flight to L.A. He found one that would leave in two hours. Without hesitation, he booked it and then made a call to the front desk to ask to arrange a taxi for him that would bring him to the airport.

Normally, he would leave tomorrow and spend one last night with Jensen; normally… Nothing was normal anymore. Nothing about him and Jensen had even been normal, he knew that now.

“Fucking asshole,” he muttered, tears constricting his voice to a whimper. His whole body was shaking with desperately contained sobs as he packed his suitcase.

He was such a fool. He had known all along that getting involved with Jensen was a bad idea, and yet he let it happen. Why? Why did he allow it? He should have pushed him away that night three years ago, or at least have ended it the weekend after. He wouldn’t have been here with a heart shattered into a million pieces if he had just ended things sooner, because as much as he hated to admit it, Jensen was right about one thing. They both let get things out of hand.

\-----

Seven hours later, the taxi that Misha took from the airport in L.A. stopped in front of his house. The driver took his bags from the trunk and Misha paid him, after which he drove away.

Vicky was standing in the doorway to greet him. He had called her earlier to tell her he was coming home. She hadn’t asked any questions, probably because she had heard it in his voice something was terribly wrong; something he wasn’t ready to talk about just yet.

His eyes were remarkably dry when he walked up to her, but his whole chest was hurting with the tears he had pushed down for the last seven hours. He was almost choking on them.

He stepped inside. When the door closed behind him, Vicky pulled him into a hug. As soon as he felt her arms around him, Misha let the tears freely flow. In her embrace, he completely broke down in a series of endless and silent sobs.

Vicky didn’t say a word, she just let him get it all out first.

He felt like an idiot. His heart wasn’t the first one to be broken and it also wouldn’t be the last. There were probably a lot of people in this world at the moment who were going through the exact same thing as he was going through.

He didn’t know how long they had been standing there in the hallway with him crying like a fucking child, when he untangled himself from Vicky’s arms and strolled over to the couch where he plopped down.

Vicky came to sit beside him. “What happened? You wanna talk about it?”

At first, Misha shook his head, but then it kind of all poured out. Afterwards he felt lighter, but the pain was still there. It was going to take a while for these wounds to heal, he made no mistake about that.

***

Danneel called Jensen an idiot when he got home that Monday afternoon, and told her what went down on Sunday evening after the con. Great, just what he needed.

“Jesus Dee, don’t sugarcoat it. A little support would be nice here.”

“Support?” Danneel echoed. She folded her arms across her chest. “How am I supposed to support you in a decision I don’t agree with?”

“Because it is _my_ decision,” Jensen snapped. “The least you can do is to respect that.”

Danneel narrowed her eyes. “But it wasn’t exactly _your_ decision, was it now, Jensen, you and I both know who made that decision _for_ you.”

“Yeah, well, it’s done,” Jensen muttered. “And I think it’s for the best. This whole polyamory thing,” he made a wide gesture with his arms, “was screwing with my head. From now on, you and me, total monogamy.”

Danneel blinked. “Excuse me?” She sounded appalled. “Isn’t that something we have to decide _together_? There’s two in this marriage you know.” She strolled over to the mini bar to fix herself a drink.

Jensen watched her while thinking she was right. They both had to agree on this.

“I just wished you’d talked to me first before you made the rash decision to break up with Misha,” Danneel said. She turned back to him with a crystal glass filled with a brown liquid and lots of ice, in her hand. She carefully took a sip.

“It wouldn’t have made a difference,” Jensen replied. “And don’t think for one minute this is easy for me or that I’m not hurting, because I am…a lot. I broke Misha’s heart and that’s something I have to live with for the rest of my life.”

“That, and the lies you told him in order to do that,” Danneel deadpanned. She took another sip.

“I know that.” Jensen looked down at the carpet, ashamed. “You don’t have to rub it in.”

Danneel walked over to him. “Jensen, you’re my husband and I love you, but I can’t feel sorry for you. You brought this all on yourself.” She patted him on the chest with the flat of her hand.

At that moment, her cellphone went off. She took it, looked at the caller ID, smiled and then picked up with the words “Hi Vicky.” She gave Jensen a smug look and walked out of the room, leaving him burning with curiosity.

 _Damn it_. He wanted to go after her to listen in on the conversation. He might have ended things with Misha, but he still cared about him. No, scratch that. He still _loved_ him, and he really wanted to know how he was doing.

As soon as that question crossed his mind he realized how stupid it was. How the hell did he think Misha was doing. He had probably broken him beyond repair. The guy had been livid when he had stormed out of his hotel room yesterday evening, and he couldn’t blame him.

Break ups were always nasty, but the way he had done it was unforgivable.

\-----

Jared looked at Jensen with a lot of sympathy in his eyes on the set the next day. He knew what had happened. After Misha had stormed off, he had called him and had told him he wasn’t going to have dinner with the rest of them after all.

Five minutes after that call, Jared had appeared in his room. He had excused Jensen with the others, and then showed up looking for some answers.

“So. Have you heard from him yet?” Jared asked as they made their way to catering for some lunch.

“No. Not directly anyway.” Jensen looked at the buffet without much of an appetite. He wasn’t hungry, unlike Jared who piled a huge amount of pasta on his plate.

“What do you mean ‘not directly’?”

“Vicky called Danneel,” Jensen elaborated. He decided on a Caesar salad. He had to eat something, especially since he had skipped breakfast.

“And?” Jared asked while they walked with their food to Jensen’s trailer so they would have some privacy to talk about this.

“And he’s a mess,” Jensen replied with a sigh. He opened the door of his trailer and walked inside with Jared on his heels. They placed themselves on the kitchen counter to eat.

“Of course he is. What did you expect?”

Jensen mindlessly stabbed his salad. “I know, I know.” He put his fork down. His stomach was knotted so tightly together that, if he tried to force something down, it would probably just come back out again. His eyes began to sting with upcoming tears. “I screwed up on an epic level.”

“Yes, Jensen, you did. You could have handled it a hell of a lot better. Now you not only lost a lover, but you lost a friend too.”

Jensen nodded. He couldn’t argue with Jared about that. There were a million different ways he could have gone about this, and he had chosen the wrong one; the destructive one. Misha was probably never going to forgive him for that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm...sorry?  
> Remember, this is speculation because no one really knows what happened. All we know is that Misha was miserable at Asylum the week after that con and that he was bitter for a long time even after he came back to SPN while Jensen was trying to make it up to him. Anyway, that and more will be in the next chapters.


	35. Bittersweet Symphony

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Misha is still so broken...

Asylum 7 in Birmingham was a nightmare. It was Misha’s last convention, and instead of enjoying the hell out of it, he was miserable. No matter how much he tried to hide it, he couldn’t. He could be salty and snarky and joke or bullshit his way through a panel, but when it came to real feelings he always had a hard time not showing them.

His friend Darius was with him. It had been Vicky’s idea that he would accompany him to Europe. He had told her he didn’t need a babysitter, but she had insisted. She sure as hell was not going to let him fly off to Europe alone while he was in this state.

Misha had thought about cancelling, but almost immediately had decided it wasn’t a good idea. He could not disappoint his fans, especially since they were the reason he had been on the show this long. He still couldn’t believe Sera listened to the wrong crowd; to the ones who hated him and his character.

Seriously jet-lagged, but not giving a damn, he strolled into the bar of the hotel he was staying at. He placed himself at the counter, and ordered five vodka shots in the hopes they would stop the chaotic thoughts that were uncontrollably whirling inside his brain. They centered around one thing and one thing only: Jensen. He wanted it to stop already and have some goddamn peace in his mind. It was driving him crazy.

Fairly quickly, he finished the first five shots and ordered five more. Not only did he want to numb the physical pain, but the emotional pain as well by drowning it in hard liquor, and if it caused him a hangover from hell tomorrow, well, then so be it.

Darius came to sit beside him when he was on his second round and joined him in getting drunk. Good. Getting wasted alone was never any fun.

“You really think this is gonna work?” Darius asked, waving at the shots in front of him.

Misha downed the last one of his second round. “For now, yes,” he replied, and signaled the bartender for a refill. “At least it will help me sleep tonight.”

Darius didn’t argue with him, nor did he force him to talk about it, and for that Misha was grateful. He just wanted to drink until he forgot everything, even his own name.

\-----

The price Misha paid for his heavy drinking the previous night became very clear when he woke up the next morning. His head felt like it was stuffed full of cotton wool, and it hurt like a fucking bitch.

He groaned loudly into the cushions of his bed. He didn’t want to get up and face another day. If it weren’t for Darius to press his sorry ass and get some coffee and breakfast into his system, he probably would have stayed in bed feeling very sorry for himself.

After a whole lot of coffee, a surgery breakfast that Darius had brought to their room, and a hot shower, Misha felt slightly better and ready for his first panel.

As soon as he got on the stage and was welcomed by a cheering bunch, he noticed this was a very Cas friendly crowd, which wasn’t at all that surprising. People who didn’t like his character wouldn’t attend his panel.

Misha put on his happy face, and not just for the fans, but for Jensen as well. He knew his panel would be recorded and up on youtube by tomorrow, or maybe even as early as tonight. He was going to show Jensen he did just fine without him, and that he couldn’t care less; that he was over him already; that he didn’t need him in his life. He made sure it was known Darius was with him and that they shared a room. He even made some sexual innuendos about it with which Jensen could do as he pleased.

Darius joined him on the stage and they shared some childhood stories before the panel ended. All things considered, he patted himself on the back for keeping it together so well while he was dying inside. The tears in his eyes when he left the stage were enough proof of that.

In the green room he took some time to collect himself, before his first meet and greet that would happen right before lunch.

\-----

During both meet and greets, Misha learned some things, but was also surprised how much the fans knew, like the drop in ratings. Just like everyone had predicted, they hit the floor after Cas was killed off. The show really was in big trouble at that moment. If they continued to fall, cancellation was looming on the horizon.

A very satisfying and smug feeling washed over him when he was told that Cas won ‘the spoilerTV’ character competition, beating Dean in the semi-final. Ha! Eat that Sera Gamble. He hoped she knew about this. He would love to see her face at the realization she killed a character that was apparently more loved than Dean.

A mist of tears constricted his vision again when he heard about the ‘save Castiel’ campaign. His fans were sending feathers to the writers with the plea to bring Cas back.

“Is Castiel coming back?” a girl asked the question that was burning on everyone’s lips. Suddenly all the people in the room jolted wide awake. The change in the atmosphere was palpable as everyone held their breath for the answer.

Misha shrugged. “I genuinely don’t know when or how Cas is gonna come back. At this point I even don’t know _if_ he’s coming back.” He swallowed around a heavy lump in his throat. “I heard Sera gave a press release saying I would come back to the show, but the producers haven’t told _me_ anything about it, nor did my agent. I suspect she only made that statement because she was fed up with fans asking her about it.” Oh yes, he knew everything about it. She was fucking lying through her teeth to the fans and they had the right to know about it.

“She’s a bitch,” someone blurted out.

Misha exploded in a laugh. Well, this fan wasn’t wrong, so he didn’t contradict her on it.

***

“I can’t believe it!” With a loud thud, Jensen closed his laptop. He let out an exasperated breath as he ran a hand over his face in frustration.

“What’s wrong?” Danneel asked, a bit irritated. She looked up from the book she was reading on the couch.

Jensen squinted at her. “Did you know Darius is with Misha in Birmingham?”

“Yes. Vicky told me.” Danneel knitted her brows together. “Why?”

“And you didn’t, you know, “Jensen made an exaggerated wave with his arm, “tell me?”

“Why would I, Jensen? It’s none of your business.”

“None of my…” Jensen cut himself off. He took in a deep breath to calm himself. The last thing he wanted to do was to scream at his wife. “Why?” he asked in a calmer tone of voice. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because,” Danneel closed her book with a sigh and put it on the coffee table, “it really _is_ none of your business; not anymore, not since you broke up with him.”

“I’m…” Jensen put his elbow on the table and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I just wished you had told me.”

Danneel stood up and walked over to him. “Again, why? What do you care who he spends his time with?”

“Because I just do, okay?”

“Seems more like you are jealous,” Danneel deadpanned. She plopped down on a chair beside him. “What were you looking at anyway?” She opened the laptop.

“Misha’s panel from Saturday, and a fan report saying he and Darius got pretty drunk at Louden Swain’s concert. Apparently they were all over each other having a good time, but at one point it became too much and they were asked to leave.”

Danneel burst out laughing.

“It’s not funny, Dee,” Jensen said, appalled at her reaction. He jumped up from his chair and started pacing the carpeted floor.

“You’re right, it’s not,” Danneel agreed. “It’s actually very sad, because did it ever occur to you he’s drinking so heavily because he’s miserable?”

Jensen stopped pacing and whirled around at the sudden revelation. Danneel was probably right. His barely mended heart broke again a little. A tinge of sorrow painfully clenched his gut. He was responsible for Misha’s state of mind. If he only had the chance to do it over again, he would handle things differently.

He looked up at Misha’s voice coming from the computer. Danneel was watching the panel. It made him resume his place back at the table beside her.

“Oh Jen,” she mumbled halfway through the whole thing. “Can’t you see it? He’s trying so hard to pretend he’s fine, but he’s not.” She absent mindedly traced her bottom lip with the red painted nail of her index finger. “I feel so, so sorry for him. It hurts to watch this.”

“Damn it, Dee. If you’re trying to make me feel even more guilty then it’s working,” Jensen growled. He leaned back with his arms folded over his chest.

Danneel closed the laptop. “Ugh, I can’t keep watching this. It’s all too depressing.” She turned to him. “You really regret what you did, don’t you?”

Jensen let out a tired sigh. “Yes, I do.”

“So. What are you gonna do about it?”

“I don’t know,” Jensen replied honestly. He leaned forward again, put his arms on the table and rested his forehead on them. “What can I do?”

“Well, try to make it up to him for starters.”

Jensen’s head jerked up. He looked at his wife with raised eyebrows. “And how do you propose I do that? He doesn’t even wanna talk to me.”

“Oh come on. You don’t know that.”

“Oh I know.” He huffed a laugh that sounded bitter and sarcastic. “Believe me, I know.”

Danneel patted him on the arm. “You don’t know until you try.” She stood up and left the living room.

Jensen stared after her. Calling Misha. Right. Easier said than done. The guy probably, no, _most definitely_ wouldn’t pick up when the caller ID said it was him. _Shit._ He really, really, _really_ messed up big time now, didn’t he.

***

Misha stared out of the tiny window of his first class seat, on the plane that brought him back to L.A. This was it. It was all over now. Cas was gone, he was gone, the conventions were gone, Jensen was gone, everything was just _gone_ , done, over and out with.

Yesterday had been a complete disaster. First, he and Darius were removed from the concert because they had been way too drunk. Then he had appeared at his panel while still hungover and very depressed, because this would be his final panel. Because of that, he couldn’t care less anymore what he said, and if he had said anything that had outed him and Jensen, well, then so be it. It was over now anyway.

“You really need to get it together, man,” Darius said. “I mean, you were pretty rude to the staff yesterday. You gave your handler a hard time by whining you didn’t wanna do more photo ops, and you were basically being a jerk to everyone beside the fans.”

“I know.” Misha let out a deep sigh. “And I regret it, I really do.” He meant it. He was sorry he had acted like a real asshole, but it had become way too much at one point, and he had completely broken down. A lot had to do with the alcohol he had consumed. He had been drinking vodka all day yesterday, even at his meet and greet.

“I just…I just don’t know how to move past this, Darius.” He looked at his friend. A tear escaped from his eyes. It rolled down his cheek and landed on his lips. He tasted its saltiness, as it died a lonely death there.

“I know it’s hard, Misha, but you need to find a way. You can’t go on like this. It will destroy you.” Darius shook his head. “I have been through some very rough times with you in the past, but I have never seen you this heartbroken. I’m worried, man.”

“It’s okay. I will be fine,” Misha tried to put his friend at ease. “Vicky is waiting for me at home, and I have West to concentrate on and other projects that need my attention.” He forced a smile onto his lips. “I’ll be fine,” he emphasized, trying to convince Darius. He only wished he could believe his own words because right now, he didn’t see any light at the end of the dark tunnel he was currently in.

\-----

Getting over the fact he wasn’t on the show anymore turned out to be the easy part. He had made his peace with the fact he would never return. Getting over Jensen, that was hard. He was still very bitter about both though, and he poked fun at the show every chance he got, like when he was invited to do some sort of podcast for ‘Disaster piece theatre’.

It was a happy bunch he had to work with and they shared a lot of laughs. Obviously, the subject turned to Supernatural and what it would be like if it were a film.

“So, as a Hollywood executive, what would they do with Supernatural?” was the more official question after some jokes.

“Honestly, I’m just gonna answer this quickly to get it over with,” Misha started to formulate his answer. “Basically it’s gonna be ehm…eh…eh…a gay porn incest movie, with two brothers fucking the shit out of each other.”

The whole studio exploded in laughter, and a lot of sexual innuendos were made as a result, after that.

Even though he had said it in a joking manner, he had meant it, every frigging word of it, because it was true, wasn’t it? Wasn’t that what they wanted? Sera had listened to that particular crowd who wanted exactly that, and it had cost him his job. Well, they had it now. He hoped they were happy, even with the drop in ratings, because that was the price they paid for it.

He was secretly happy about the fact the show was in big trouble, and he didn’t even feel guilty about it. It served them right. They got what they deserved. It would be very surprising if the show got renewed. Rumors were they had to do something to save it from cancellation.

It was Jared who had informed him about it and kept him up to date. Yes, the big guy called him regularly. The first time he had asked him if he wanted to talk to Jensen. Misha had said ‘no’. He didn’t want to talk to him, hear about him or talk about him, and if that was the only reason Jared took the trouble to pick up the phone, then he would appreciate it if he never called him again.

Jared respected his wishes, and never brought up Jensen again when he called him with the latest news. That’s when Misha knew he had a friend in Jared. At least he tried to stay in touch.

***

“I wish he would just talk to me,” Jensen said. He was walking with Jared to Sera’s ‘office’ on the set. Gamble had arranged this little get together after filming. There was something she needed to address before they all left for Thanksgiving break next week.

“I can’t say I blame him, Jensen. You hurt him pretty bad.”

“Whose side are you on, Jay?” Jensen exploded.

“I’m not picking sides, that’s the whole point,” Jared went on the defensive. “What happened between you and Misha is between you two. I tried to make him talk to you and he doesn’t want to, end of story. He’s my friend. I’m not gonna stop calling him just because he isn’t on the show anymore.”

“I know, I’m sorry.” Jensen ran a hand through his hair. “I just want to apologize. But how am I gonna do that if he doesn’t wanna talk to me?”

Jared shrugged. “The old fashioned way I guess.”

Jensen drew his brows together in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“Write him a letter. Tell Danneel to tell Vicky, so she can make sure he gets it and reads it.”

It was a ridiculous idea, but after thinking about it, Jensen had to admit it was most likely the only way to have Misha listen to what he had to say. It would also be very healing to write everything down; to pour his feelings onto a piece of paper for Misha to read. He wouldn’t go as far as to think it would glue together the pieces of their broken relationship, it had come to a way too bitter end for that, but it was a start into mending a friendship, hopefully.

There were not too many people present in Sera’s ‘office’. Only Singer was there, a few writers and some people from the production team.

“Okay, now that everyone’s here, let’s cut to the chase,” Sera started to speak. “I think it’s no secret that the show is in trouble?”

“Yeah. I wonder why,” Jensen couldn’t help himself from saying, with a sarcastic edge to his voice.

Sera shot him a bitchface but didn’t comment on it. Instead, she continued with her speech.

“The ratings are balancing on the bare minimum. If they drop lower, that’ll be the end of it. The Network has informed me that, if we get the ratings to go up again or at least stabilize them, we will get renewed. It’s a promise they made me, so,” she turned to Singer and then looked Jensen dead in the eyes, “Bob and I have decided to bring Cas back.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That podcast thing? Yep, Misha actually said that.   
> And the guy was miserable AF at asylum 7. Fans say he was drinking all weekend and he and Darius were asked to leave the concert/party on Saturday evening because they were so drunk. He was pretty rude to the staff and his handler. He was friendly to his fans though.  
> The things said at the meet and greet are true.
> 
> Next update in two weeks, maybe sooner. Stay tuned.


	36. Rhymes and reasons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's an update for you guys. I know you've been waiting for it. I'm off to JIB on Thursday and hopefully I'll be back with some Cockles goodness to tell ya'll :)

 

At first Jensen couldn’t believe his ears. Then he thought it was all just a dream. A nudge at his arm from Jared told him it was real.

“Does this mean you’re gonna ask Misha to come back?” he asked almost breathlessly, just to be sure they were talking about Misha here, and not just some other actor in the role of Cas. He immediately realized how stupid that was. It was Misha the fans wanted, not someone else to play their favorite angel. They would riot, and then they could really take the show to its grave. Besides, he wouldn’t stand for someone else playing Cas either.

“Yes, Jensen, that means we’re gonna ask Misha to come back,” Sera confirmed with a big sigh. She leaned against her desk. “I was wrong, I know that now.”

“You were played,” Jensen nodded in understanding.

“Yes, I was.” 

Sera looked at him with such a big apology in her eyes, he almost felt sorry for her. She had fallen victim to a very loud minority, who demanded Cas’s death and convinced her the show would gain viewers if they got rid of the angel.

“I owe Misha a huge ‘I’m sorry’, and I’m gonna do that by writing the script of his return myself. Bob will direct it,” she continued.

Everyone hummed in agreement.

Jensen narrowed his eyes. “What convinced you to bring Cas back? Not that you’re wrong, but what makes you think he’s gonna save the show?”

“Are you kidding, Ackles?” Bob cut in. “Have you taken a look at the writers’ office lately?”

Jensen was at a loss. He looked at Jared to see if he knew what Bob was talking about, but his friend was apparently as much in the dark as he was.

Robert rolled his eyes. “Feathers,” he explained.

“Lots and lots of feathers,” Sera chimed in. She chuckled. “The writers got buried underneath them.”

“Ooohhh,” Jared said as if some big revelation just hit him. “I heard about that. It’s the, ehmm…,” he snapped his fingers, “save Castiel campaign, right?” He looked at Jensen with a curious expression. “I can’t believe you didn’t know that.”

“Well, I wasn’t informed.” Jensen glanced around the room and finally let his eyes rest on Sera. “But I’m glad Misha’s fans stood up and expressed how they really felt.”

Sera held up her hands in a placating manner. “Okay, okay, okay, enough. I get it.” She pushed herself off the desk. “I would appreciate none of you breathe a word about this, not even to Misha. I’m gonna call his agent after Thanksgiving break and let her deliver him the good news. Now get out of here. Enjoy your vacation.”

Everyone wandered off, talking with each other in excitement. It was obvious they were all happy that they would have Misha back in their midst soon, Jensen most of all. He felt so fucking light he could fly. Maybe that letter was not necessary anymore…or maybe it was, now more than ever, even if it was only to smooth over any awkwardness between them before they met again.

***

It was the Monday after Thanksgiving. Misha came back from his morning run. He jogged into his kitchen, took a small bottle of water and gulped it all down at once. He crushed it and threw it in the trash can. Then he took another one.

“Hey hon, you forgot your cell phone,” Vicky said, West balancing on her arm. The almost one year old toddler wrangled to get loose at the sight of his dad. Vicky put him down and he crawled up to Misha while making excited noises.

Misha plopped down on a kitchen chair. He picked up his son and put him in his lap. “Daddy’s a little sweaty buddy,” he said. He turned to his wife. “I didn’t forget my phone, I left it here on purpose. When I go out running to clear my head, I don’t wanna get disturbed.” He made some funny faces at his son that made the child giggle.

“Well, Julie called. She asked to call her back ASAP.”

“Oh. Did she say why?”

“No. But it sounded important.”

Misha reached for his phone that was laying on the table. West’s grabby hands immediately tried to take it.

“No, Westy, you can’t have that.” Misha held the device high above his head. 

“Your dad had to make a very important phone call,” Vicky said as she took West from Misha’s lap and strolled with him out of the kitchen.

Hanging back in the chair with his legs stretched out in front of him, Misha pushed the number under which he had his agent on speed dial. He drummed with his fingers on the table surface as he waited for her to pick up.

“Hey, Misha,” her voice came through the line after the fourth ring. “I’m glad you called me back so soon.”

“Vicky told me it sounded important, so I got curious. What’s up?”

“I have great news,” Julie said, and didn’t she sound awfully cheerful. He wondered what got her so excited and was dying to find out. Lord knows, he could do with some good news. He hadn’t exactly been his happy self the past weeks. He pretended to be, but in reality he was far from it.

“Okay, you got my attention. Shoot.”

“They want you back.” Julie was barely able to contain her enthusiasm. 

Misha frowned. He didn’t get it. “Who is ‘they’?” He put an elbow on the table and rubbed his forehead with his free hand.

“Who is… Are you kidding me right now?” Julie yelled through the phone, surprised. “They, the show. They want to revive Castiel.”

As soon as Misha heard those words, and he could fully process them, his stomach turned. He clenched his jaw. “Forget it,” he said through gritted teeth.

“What? I thought you would be glad? I mean, didn’t you want to come back?”

“Maybe that was the case, a while ago, but not anymore. They left me hanging, high and dry. I’m done with those people, Julie. No more.”

“But the show is in tr…”

“I don’t give a flying fuck about their precious show,” Misha cut her off, shouting. “They can put it where the sun doesn’t shine. I. DON’T. CARE.” He furiously pushed the end call button and threw his phone on the table.

Taking two steps at a time, he ran upstairs, fuming with rage. He couldn’t believe the nerve. First they ditched him and now they want him back? Screw them.

In the bathroom, he almost ripped his clothes off and pondered some more underneath the hot spray of the shower.

If he and Jensen had still been together, he probably would have jumped at the opportunity to go back. But not anymore. It would be way too hard for him to work with Jensen after he had dumped him the way he did. He didn’t want to see him let alone be in his presence. He couldn’t even stand the sight of him or think about him. Jensen had hurt him way too much. Those wounds still hadn’t healed.

The memories he had pushed back because they were way too painful to remember, suddenly came crashing down on him. The first time they met, their first kiss, the first time they had intimate sex, with Jensen giving himself to him so freely and so full of trust. He vividly remembered how he had opened him up, slowly, carefully. How he had slid inside of him, going deeper and deeper until he was fully seated. He could still almost feel how tight he had been as his body had clenched around his cock and what an awesome feeling it had been to pound into him, faster and faster until they had both come in a joint orgasm.

Misha’s eyes filled up with tears. God how he missed Jensen’s hands on his body and his lips around his cock as he sucked him to the greatest high of all time; how he missed waking up next to him to have lazy morning sex; how he missed the sweet sloppy kisses or the just relaxing on the couch with a beer and a movie.

_ NO!  _ He chased the memories from his mind. He was  _ not _ going to do this; he was  _ not  _ going to torture himself with remembering what once was. It was over now. He was going to take some time to finally allow himself to heal until there was nothing left but some distant memories from a past lifetime, and then turn the page to begin a new chapter in his life; one that didn’t involve Jensen.

***

Jensen was dying to know how Misha had taken the news that he could come back. All Thanksgiving break he had thought about it, and it had made him as excited as a kid on Christmas Eve. Danneel had often rolled her eyes with a shake of her head over his enthusiasm. The smile on her lips however, had told him she was genuinely happy for him.

At lunchtime, he spotted Sera walking across the set. Now was his chance. He jogged over to her and fell into pace.

“So, ehm, you heard from Misha yet?

“As a matter of fact, I have,” Sera replied. ”Or, at least I have from his agent.”

“And?”

“And I think I have to find a way to be a little bit more persuasive because he doesn’t wanna come back.”

Jensen stopped dead in his tracks, baffled. This was not the answer he had expected.

“What?” He spread out his arms. “Why?”

Sera turned to him with a sigh. “Beats me, Jensen.”

“Well, did you ask?”

“Of course I asked, but Julie didn’t have an answer other than that he basically said he was done with us.” She shrugged. “And that’s that.”

“So, that’s it? You’re just gonna let it go?” He couldn’t believe this. Were they going to give up that easily? Did they even  _ want _ Misha to come back?

“No Jensen, we are not just going to ‘let it go’,” Sera said, making quotation marks with her fingers. “It just means we have to find another way because right now, Misha doesn’t want to answer his phone. Julie called several times, I called a few times myself. He just doesn’t pick up.” Another sigh left her lips. “But, if nothing works and he really doesn’t wanna come back, he’s signing the show’s death warrant.”

“No.” Jensen furiously shook his head. “ _ You _ signed the show’s death warrant the moment you wrote him off the show, that’s on you, so don’t you dare pin that on him.” He pointed a finger at her. “We warned you. Hell, even Eric warned you it was a bad idea to kill Cas, but did you listen to us? No, you would rather listen to a bunch of people who don’t give a fucking shit about anyone that isn’t Sam and Dean, and are still stuck with their heads in the past.”

“Do you think I don’t know that?” Sera shouted. “Do you think I don’t regret that decision every single day?”

“Well, good. You should.” Jensen turned on his heels and walked away with long, angry strides.

This was bad. This was so very bad. But, on the other hand, what did he expect? That Misha was going to jump for joy? Okay, maybe not, but he thought that Misha would at least be…happy?  _ Right. _ With the way things ended between them that was not very likely. 

Suddenly the realization that this was partly his fault dawned on him. One of the reasons that Misha didn’t want to come back was probably because of him.  _ Shit. _

He dug up his phone from his pocket and called Danneel.

“Dee, it’s me,” he said as soon as she picked up. “Listen. Can you do me a favor?”

“Sure. Name it.”

“In the top drawer of my desk, there’s an envelope with Misha’s name written on it. Can you get it?”

He heard footsteps coming through the phone, the creaking of a door being opened and other undefinable noises until he heard Danneel’s voice again.

“Got it. Is this the letter you wrote during Thanksgiving break?”

“Yes.”

“Ehm, what do I have to do with it? You want me to mail it?”

“No. I want you to hand deliver it.”

A short silence fell. Jensen could almost hear his wife processing what he had just said in her head.

“You want me to hand deliver it?” she finally asked for confirmation of his words after a few seconds.

“Yes, and make sure that Misha reads it, even if that means that you have to tie him to a chair and read it out loud to him.”

Danneel exploded in a few giggles. “That’s gonna be fun. I can already picture me gagging Misha and tying him to a chair. I hope you’re gonna bail me out of jail when Vicky calls the cops on me, for harassing her husband.”

“I’m sure you’ll find an ally in Vicky,” Jensen said drily. “No, seriously, Dee. Make sure he reads it.”

“Okay, okay, I got it.” She sighed. “You gonna tell me now what this is all about?”

Jensen told her everything. How they wanted Misha back, but how Misha didn’t want to come back and part of the blame was on him.

“What you need is an intervention,” Danneel drew the conclusion when he was done talking.

“Yeah, well, maybe,” Jensen sheepishly admitted. “You’re friends with him and Vicky, but as you know, he doesn’t wanna talk to me. This is the only way I can make him listen to what I have to say.”

They ended the call with Danneel promising him she was going to do it right away. Jensen put his phone away, praying things were going to go as planned. He didn’t expect Misha to forgive him right away or to change his mind about coming back, but he did hope he would at least read the letter and accept his apology.

***

Spending time with West was one of Misha’s favorite things to do. He was playing with him on the carpet, when the sound of the doorbell rang through the house.

“Hon, can you get that?” he yelled.

“Yep,” he heard Vicky shouting back. He smiled at his son but then all the muscles in his body tensed up at a very familiar voice. What the hell was Danneel doing here?

The women talked a bit. Misha strained to listen to what they were saying, but they were too far out of hearing range to make out the conversation. Ah well, he shouldn’t worry. They were probably planning a last minute shopping trip or something. Not everything was about Jensen, right? He should stop obsessing over it.

Relaxing again, he turned his attention back to West until he heard Danneel squealing “Oh my God, he’s getting so big.” She plopped on her knees beside him, in front of West. “You’re becoming quite the young man, aren’t you?” she said to the toddler, who started to giggle as if he understood what she was saying. In the same tone of voice and without taking her eyes from West, she continued “Hi Misha.”

“Hello Danneel. To what do we owe the pleasure of your visit?” he asked in a formal sarcastic sort of way.

He watched as Danneel shot a quick glance at Vicky, after which his wife picked West up and took him out of the living room. What were these two women up to? He could already guess. 

“If this is about Jensen, you can leave again.” He pushed himself up from the carpet.

“Oh no you don’t,” Danneel said. She got up as well and grabbed him by the arm. “This has been going on long enough. You’re gonna listen to me.”

Misha squinted at her. “Seriously? And who’s gonna make me? You?”

“Don’t you underestimate me, Misha,” Danneel bit out and oh boy, she sounded quite dangerous. She wasn’t the type of woman you wanted to mess with. If she wanted something done, she did everything in her power to succeed, and it was clear she was on another mission right now.

“I’m sick and tired of you and Jensen acting like a couple of kindergartners,” she continued. She took the letter out of her purse and handed it to him. “Here.”

Misha looked suspiciously at it as if it was something from another planet. Instead of taking it, he put his hands in the pocket of his jeans.

“What’s that?”

“An apology. Jensen wrote this during Thanksgiving break.”

“Right.” Misha laughed without much humor to it. He was surprised at the bitterness in his own voice.

Danneel waved with the envelope. “Stop being such a head ass and take it.”

After another moment of hesitation, Misha briskly took the envelope from her hands. “Fine.” He tore it open and pulled out the letter with a lot of both anticipation and resentment whirling around in his stomach, and went to sit with it at the table. 

“Are you gonna stand watch or something?” he asked, when he noticed Danneel hadn’t moved an inch.

Danneel crossed her arms. “You better believe it. I’m gonna make damn sure you are gonna read it.”

Misha sighed deeply. He would be fooling himself if he said he wasn’t curious what Jensen had to say, so he started to read, and when he was done, some of the ink on the paper was smudged with the tears that had fallen from his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next update in two weeks. See you then.


	37. The Big Gay Apology

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys. Back from JIB. It was AMAZING. I'm going back next year. The boys were everything I expected them to be and more.  
> Have fun with the update. I hope you like it.

 

Jensen apologized in a fluid, graceful handwriting that defined his personality. It was a beautifully written letter. The sincerity emanated from the words. Misha could almost feel the truth they radiated.

With his thumb and index finger, he wiped the tears from his eyes. He swallowed around a big lump in his throat as he turned to Danneel. “Have you…ehm…read this?” His voice was still hoarse with emotion.

Danneel shook her head. “No. But whatever is in it, it’s real.”

“He hurt me, Dani.”

“I know, and he’s beating himself up for that every single day.”

“So he says in the letter.”

“Misha, listen.” Danneel sat herself down next to him at the table. “Not only does the guilt eat him away, he misses you tremendously. He messed up, and he’s painfully aware of that.”

Misha carefully folded the letter and put it back in the envelope. The thought that this was some attempt to persuade him to come back crossed his mind, but he immediately threw it out again. Danneel told him Jensen wrote it during Thanksgiving break, right? That was before he told Julie that Sera and the rest of them could go screw themselves.

“Don’t think that this magically makes it all better. The damage he’s done is too big for that.”

Danneel grabbed his hands. “I know that. But, it’s a start. He _ is _ trying, Misha.”

Misha moved his gaze up and looked into Danneel’s pretty brown eyes. In them he discovered a pleading glint to give Jensen a chance.

He flicked his eyes back to her hands that were still covering his. “I don’t know what to do,” he whispered, sounding a little lost.

Danneel’s hands tightened around his. “Pick up the phone when he calls; talk to him.”

A sigh left Misha’s lips. “It’s not gonna fix anything.”

“I understand that, but at least you’ll be on speaking terms again.”

“Okay then,” Misha succumbed with another sigh, against his better judgement. No matter how good it would be to hear Jensen’s voice again, it was going to hurt like hell. “Tell him he can call me if he wants to.”

“It’s all I ask,” Danneel said. She smiled. “It’s all  _ he _ asks.”

\-----

To Misha’s surprise, Jensen already called him later that night. His stomach painfully clenched together as he looked at the caller ID flashing on the screen of his phone. It was too soon. He wasn’t ready for this.

Thinking about not picking up and just letting it go to voicemail, he remembered his promise to Danneel. He closed his eyes, took in a deep breath and pushed the ‘accept call’ button.

“Misha Collins,” he said, doing his best to suppress the quiver in his voice, and sounding basically emotionless, but was nervous as hell in reality.

There was a beat of silence.

“Hey Mish.”

The way Jensen said his name… Memories of endless nights in joint pleasure, or just being together in perfect domestic bliss, flooded his mind. How many times had he heard Jensen whispering his name like this? Too many damn times for him not to have a serious reaction to it. Yet he tried to keep his emotions in check; to not let Jensen know how the ice around his heart started to melt.

“Hello Jensen,” he said, unlike Jensen not using the shortened version of his name. It’s not because he accepted the call that everything was forgiven now all of a sudden. Not by a long shot.

Jensen cleared his throat. “So, ehm, Danneel told me you read the letter?”

“Yes, I did.”

Another pause. 

“I meant every word I wrote, Mish.”

“I know that.”

Jesus. This whole conversation was so awkward and strained, it was a miracle they were even talking.

“So, ehm, do you accept my apology then?”

“Yes, but that doesn’t mean I can forgive you yet. The wounds are still too fresh and too raw for me to be able to do that. You  _ hurt _ me, Jensen.”

“I know, and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” Jensen whispered, sincerity clear in his voice. “But I’m glad you at least accept my apology.”

A few more seconds of silence fell after that. Then Jensen’s voice came back.

“I was told they want to revive Castiel.”

Misha tensed up. “If you called to persuade me…”

“No, I’m not.” Jensen hastily interrupted him. “I’m not, Mish, I swear.”

Jensen was telling the truth. Misha knew him well enough to know when he was lying, even over the phone.

“With how they treated you and with how things went between us, I can’t blame you for not wanting to come back,” Jensen continued. “I totally understand your reluctance, it’s just... _ I  _ want you back, Mish. I miss you, man.”

Misha teared up. Jensen sure knew how to push all the right buttons, damn it. Misha was still pretty hurt and extremely bitter though. Jensen might be honest right now, but Misha didn’t  _ trust  _ him, not anymore. Too much had happened between them; too many things were just broken, and he didn’t know how to  _ begin _ mending all those shattered pieces; if it was even possible.

“If I decide to come back, and that’s a pretty big  _ if _ , Jensen, it won’t change a thing,” Misha said, after swallowing back some tears. “What once was is over. I can be civil with you, and professional, but that’s where it ends. It can never be anything more; I can’t go back to that. I want to be very clear about it. My decision will also have nothing to do with you, but with me having a job.” 

He wasn’t lying, but he wasn’t telling the whole truth either. Jensen would be the biggest reason for him to go back to the show, but there also was this house he and Vicky wanted to buy. It was a Spanish-Moroccan dwelling in the Hollywood Hills built in 1920, and it needed some renovations. It was not that he was short on money or anything, but it would be nice if he had a job so he didn’t have to worry about running out of it.

“I...I understand,” Jensen said. Misha swore he heard in his voice, the disappointment Jensen miserably failed to hide.

The call ended after that.

Misha stared at his phone, his hand slowly tightening around it as frustration bubbled up. He had to restrain himself from smashing the device against the wall.

“Asshole,” he yelled, immediately followed by the thought  _ “shit, I hope I didn’t wake up West.” _

Vicky came running in, all worried. “Are you okay? What happened?”

“I hate him,” Misha said through gritted teeth.

Vicky sighed. “No, you don’t.”

“Okay, maybe not  _ him _ , but what he does to me.” He plopped down on the couch. With his elbows resting on his knees, he put his head in his hands. “I hate it how he can still get under my skin; I hate myself for letting him get to me.” He lifted his head to look at his wife. “How am I supposed to get over him if I have to work so closely together with him, Vicky? I honestly don’t know if I can do that without falling for him all over again.”

Vicky rubbed his back in a comforting manner. “You don’t have to go back if you don’t want to, hon.” 

“What about the house?”

“Don’t worry about the house. It isn’t going anywhere. So the renovations will take a bit longer, so what? It’s not like we don’t have a place to stay in the meantime.”

Misha let these words sink in. Vicky was right. The house they wanted to buy wasn’t going anywhere once it was theirs.

Misha went through another sleepless night with tossing and turning, and thoughts chaotically whirling inside his mind. He knew well enough why they wanted to revive Castiel. They wanted to save the show that was on the verge of cancellation, but what were Jensen’s reasons? Sure, Jensen had been sincere when he had told him  _ he _ wanted him back because he missed him, but could he be sure Jensen didn’t have an ulterior motive? Like trying to save his job maybe?

Damn it. Frustrated, Misha turned onto his other side, analyzing and pondering some more. It wasn’t until the early light of dawn crept through the curtains that he had made his decision, and finally fell into a dreamless, much needed sleep.

***

Jensen was bouncing around like a beach ball when he heard the news that Misha was going to come back. He wanted to call him to express how happy he was. His finger was lingering over Misha’s number on his phone, when he decided against it. He didn’t know how Misha was going to react. He had been pretty cold the last time Jensen called; not that he didn’t have any right to be. So, no, calling wouldn’t be such a good idea at this point. He texted him instead.

“Glad you’re coming back, Mish. It will be so good to have you around again.” He hesitated for a second before he finally hit ‘send’ and then pocketed his phone, not expecting an answer. Imagine his surprise when, a few minutes later, his phone vibrated with a text message.

A warm feeling washed through him when he read ‘Thank you’. It made him bounce around a little more. At least Misha answered. It wasn’t much, but it was a start.

His enthusiasm slowly ebbed away over the Holiday season. They texted, but it was always Jensen who had to message first. Misha’s replies were short, to the point and so fucking polite it was annoying. The extent to how bad things really were between them, suddenly became very clear, and when Misha texted Danneel instead of him with ‘Happy New Year’, he completely lost it. It was obvious this was not something that was going to be fixed soon, if ever.

It was the very reason that Danneel caught him crying in their backyard, sitting on the grass at 3 in the morning. He had way too much wine to drink during dinner, and after that had switched to something stronger to celebrate a brand new year. He was drunk, and it made him overly emotional.

From the corner of his eye, he watched Danneel kicking her shoes off and dropping next to him. Without a word, she pulled him into her arms and held him while his body was shaking with sobs, whispering words of comfort.

They sat there underneath a clear sky sparkling with stars for a few moments, before he started to speak.

“He loved me, Dee. He gave everything. And what did I do? I took that love and destroyed it. I crushed it and threw it back into his face.”

His own words hit him like a sledgehammer, hard and painful. He took in a shaky breath and continued “I still love him”followed by some more uncontrollable sobs. “Oh God, Dee, what have I  _ done _ ?” He buried his face into her neck. It was crazy how, in the past weeks, he had gone from an all time high to hitting rock bottom right now.

“You’ll fix it,” Danneel said, holding him a bit tighter, gently carding her fingers through his hair. “You’ll find a way. And for what it’s worth, Misha still loves you.”

Jensen untangled himself from his wife’s arms to look at her. “After the stunt I pulled?” He huffed out a bitter laugh. “I doubt it.”

Danneel rolled her eyes. “He does. People don’t just fall out of love with someone, you know. He’s trying to get over you, yes, but according to Vicky, it’s not going great.”

Jensen wiped away the traces the tears had left on his cheeks. “You two talk about us?” He didn’t know how to feel about that.

“Not all the time. I just ask how Misha is doing and Vicky does the same, so, we tell each other,” Danneel explained. She shrugged. “It’s no big deal, Jay. And it’s not like we’re telling each other earth shattering secrets.”

She was right. It was no big deal. He wasn’t even surprised. It was normal their wives talked to each other about how their husbands were doing with all that was going on.

“You think he will ever forgive me?” Jensen asked after a few beats of silence. He wanted to know her take on this. She was an expert in reading people and she had seen Misha. She already told him Misha still loved him, right?

“In time, yes, I think he will,” Danneel nodded. “He already accepted your apology, didn’t he? And you guys are texting, so, that’s something.”

“Only if I text first,” Jensen mumbled.

Danneel sighed. “At least he replies. It’s better than nothing. This whole mess is way too big to be fixed overnight, just remember that. One small step at a time, sweetie.”

With a small grunt, Danneel pushed herself up from the ground. She brushed some grass halms from her party dress before she reached her hand out to him. “Let’s go to bed.”

Jensen took her hand and let her pull him up. Only then he noticed how weak and wobbly his legs were, not to mention his head was pounding from the excessive amount of alcohol and all the crying he had done. He already knew he was going to feel miserable as hell tomorrow, and not just because of a hangover.

***

‘The Born Again Identity’ was Sera’s way of apologizing, and wow, what an apology it was. Misha’s eyes grew wider and wider as he read through the script he had just received. It was good, but damn, there were some pretty cheesy scenes and lines in it like Dean’s: ‘Part of me always knew you would come back’.  _ Seriously? How about NO, Gamble _ . It was a bit too much for his liking and he was sure Jensen would feel the same way. 

He snorted sarcastically. Of course Jensen would feel the same way. The guy was still allergic to everything Destiel related. He was probably going to ask them to scratch or rewrite that line, and for once, Misha kind of agreed with him.

With a sigh, he let the script fall in his lap and threw his head back on the cushions of the couch. Looking up at the ceiling, he started to listen to the quiet of the house. Vicky was out with West. The only noticeable sounds were the soft ticking of the clock and the monotone zoom of the refrigerator. They calmed him and made his mind wander. It drifted back to the letter Jensen had written him.

_ “...Words fail me to express how sorry I am with how things ended between us, Mish. I would be lying if I told you that I never meant to hurt you, because that was exactly what I intended to to. I needed you to hate me so you could move on; so I could move on. I was wrong. I know that now…” _

The ceiling became pretty blurry. Misha closed his eyes, causing the tears to fall at the memory of Jensen’s words.

_ “...You gave me your heart. It was and still is the most precious gift anyone could give me, and instead of cherishing it, I threw it at your feet and stomped on it. And why? Because I was a fucking coward…” _

A coward and an asshole, Misha thought.

_ “...Remember Vatican City and what I told you? It was the God’s honest truth, and everything I said that night in the hotel room in Chicago was lies; lies to keep you away from me. I broke your heart, but I broke mine too and when you stormed out, you took the shattered pieces with you. I still love you, Mish, and no matter what happens next, that will never change. I hope that, one day, you can find it in yourself to forgive me…” _

Misha let out a deep sigh. “Oh Jensen,” he whispered into the stillness of the room. “I want to forgive you. I just don’t know how.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The script 'The born again Identity' became known as 'The big gay Apology' It was indeed Sera's way to say 'I'm sorry'.


	38. Nothing Says I've Moved On Like Coming Back

 

A lot of things kicked into high gear all at once. Misha’s agent had called to tell him he was invited to both the Nashville and the L.A. ‘Salute to Supernatural’ conventions, and also the organiser of Jus In Bello had asked if Misha was interested in coming back to Rome.

Since Misha loved conventions, and they were part of his job, his reasons to attend far outweighed the ones to decline. He wasn’t sure about Rome though. It was the one he loved the most, but there were a lot of serious emotions and memories attached to it. Rome was his and Jensen’s playground, or at least it used to be. Could he handle going back there, with Jensen, and not break down? He honestly didn’t know.

Meanwhile, the day he had to be back on the set was getting closer. His stomach was in so many knots that he often found himself hanging over the toilet bowl to throw up. Being nervous was one thing, but this was ridiculous.

He also worried about his weight. He was still in shape because of his regular morning runs, but he had lost a lot of pounds since the break-up.

As if all of this wasn’t enough to keep Misha balancing at the very top of his nerves, Vicky told him she might be pregnant again. If that were true, there would be another baby born in September.

Misha’s head was about to explode, and he longed for the peace and quiet of the monastery in Nepal. He wanted to escape the world, if only for a little while, just until he felt like he had everything back under control.

\-----

Being back on the set was, well... strange, for the lack of a better word, but also extremely exciting.

The first person he met as he stepped out of his rental car, was Sera. She had been waiting for him. They had cleared the air during a few phone calls so there wouldn’t be any awkwardness between them.

Together they walked to the three banger that was appointed to him. Along the way, he was greeted by many familiar faces who expressed how happy they were that he was back, and how they had missed him.

“You have a lot of supporters,” Sera said, chuckling. “You should have heard them when they first got the news we wanted to revive Castiel.”

Misha was on the verge of replying when he was suddenly wrapped in a bear hug he didn’t see coming. Jesus. If Jared squeezed a little harder he would break some ribs.

“So happy to see you again, man. Welcome back,” Jared said, with a smile from ear to ear when he released him.

“Thanks Jared. It’s good to be back.”

Jared looked from him to Sera and back. He opened his mouth to say something, but decided against it, probably because whatever it was, it was private.

“Listen, I ehm, have to go.” Jared pointed with his thumb over his shoulder. “We’ll catch up later, okay?”

“Sure.”

“He’s a good friend,” Sera made the obvious statement as they resumed their way to the three banger.

Misha nodded. “He is.” He didn’t elaborate on it any further. It was none of Sera’s business who he was friends with.

It was like he was thrown back in time when they reached the three way trailer and Misha saw his name on one of the doors. He vividly remembered his first day on the set. A sense of melancholy hit him and made him swallow hard around a big lump in his throat. Life was so much simpler back in the day.

“Take some time to adjust. We’re currently reshooting some scenes from the previous episode. The table read for this one is after lunch,” Sera said. She patted him on the arm. “Glad you’re back, Misha.” With these words, she walked away.

Misha rolled his eyes as he entered his compartment of the trailer. Right. He doubted he would be here if the show hadn’t been in trouble. It did give him some sort of satisfaction to know they brought him back in the hopes to save it though, and wouldn’t it be hilarious if he in fact  _ did _ save it? It would be a big ‘fuck you’ to all the haters who were responsible for him being fired in the first place.

A big sigh left his lips while shrugging off his jacket. He had successfully taken the first hurdle. The second one would be a hell of a lot harder, he made no mistake about that. 

***

It was Jared who came to tell Jensen that Misha had arrived. He gave him the advice to go talk to Misha before the table read if he didn’t want all the innocent bystanders to get caught in the crossfire of the tension between them. It was best to get at least part of that out of the way first.

Agreeing with Jared, Jensen made his way to the three banger Misha was staying in, with more nerves coiling in his stomach than he wanted to admit.

Apart from that one phone call last year, they hadn’t spoken to each other again. The only communication they had maintained were texts, and even those had been pretty short and basically meaningless.

Jensen now regretted that he had always chickened out when he had been on the verge of calling Misha. If he had just done that then, this talk now wouldn’t be so difficult.

Standing in front of Misha’s compartment of the three banger, he took in a calming breath to slow down his racing heartbeat. It was pounding so hard against his rib cage that he was afraid it might jump out any second.

His arm was shaking when he held it up and knocked on the door while sending up a silent prayer that this would go well. It couldn’t hurt. You never knew who was listening.

There were a few seconds of silence. Then Misha’s muffled voice from inside said “the door’s open”.

Jensen didn’t know what to expect when he walked in, but it sure as hell wasn’t what he was met with. The man standing in front of him wasn’t Misha; it was only the shadow of the man he used to know and love.

Doing his best to hide how shocked he was, Jensen put a smile on his lips.

“Hey, Misha,” he said softly, not even trying to suppress the tremble in his voice.

Misha looked up at him and bravely held his gaze, which made Jensen gasp for air from what he saw.

The mischievous glint that had always been present in Misha’s eyes, especially when he was around Jensen, was gone. Jensen swore they had even turned a shade darker and were now laying obtuse in a pale face, robbed of the sparkle that had been in there once.

Guilt washed through Jensen. He was to blame for this; he had done this to him.

The urge to step forward and wrap Misha in his arms, telling him it was going to be okay, was almost too much to bear. He clenched his hands at his sides to prevent himself from doing it. Everything in Misha’s demeanor told him to back off. He had put up a protective wall around himself, a wall as massive and as thick as the walls around an ancient castle.

“Hello Jensen,” Misha said with a smile of his own.

Jensen saw it was all fake. A genuine smile would make Misha’s nose wrinkle and let the lines around his eyes dance. None of that was present now on his still handsome, but tired face.

“I’m glad you’re back, Mish, I really am.” Jensen put four fingers of each hand in the front pockets of his jeans. “I ehm, we can be colleagues, right?” he asked tentatively.

“I thought we already were,” Misha replied with an uneven grin. “We’re professionals, we can make this work.”

“Yes, we can. We were friends once after all.”

Misha tensed up and Jensen immediately realized he shouldn’t have said that. It was too soon.

“Look, Jensen, I accepted your apology, that should be enough. Let’s just get past it now. Besides, I’ve thought long and hard about it all, and come to the conclusion that I’m not entirely innocent in this story.”

Jensen frowned. “What do you mean?”

“I mean that there are always two sides to a story and that I’m partly to blame for what happened.”

“No.” Jensen shook his head. “You did nothing wrong.”

“But I did,” Misha disagreed. “I pushed too hard, wanting you to do something I knew you weren’t ready for yet, or ever.” He waved his arm. “But, don’t worry about it. I learn from past mistakes. Getting close to co workers is never a good idea.”

Those last words washed over Jensen like a bucket of ice cold water. So, Misha thought their friendship was a mistake? Right. He got it. It made him incredibly sad. He thought that, in time, they could at least go back to being friends again. Misha just shattered that hope.

But then he remembered Danneel’s words.  _ This whole mess is way too big to be fixed overnight...one small step at a time.  _

A knock on the door made him jump.

“Door’s open,” Misha shouted.

Jared peeked his head inside. “Hey guys. Wanna join me for lunch?”

“You two go. I’m not hungry,” Misha said with another fake smile to hide the bitterness in his voice, but did a terrible job at it. “I’ll see you at the table read.”

It was Jensen’s cue to leave. Misha obviously didn’t want him to be there any longer.

“Okay. See you there then,” he said, before turning around and stepping out.

Once outside, Jared shot him a questioning look. “Judging by your face, that didn’t go very well.”

“No, it didn’t.” Jensen sighed deeply, biting back some tears as they strolled over the set to catering. “I apologised, he accepted it, yet he’s still so fucking angry. I’m  _ trying _ , Jay. What else am I supposed to do? What more does he want from me?”

“He doesn’t want anything from you. He’s just...guarded, I guess. You hurt him and he’s not gonna let that happen again.”

“It won’t happen again.”

“Can he be so sure about that?”

Jensen stopped to look at his friend. “I mean it.”

“I know you do. But you have to look at it from his point of view. He doesn’t trust you anymore and I can’t blame him. I mean, if someone pulled a number like that on me, I would probably never wanna talk to that person again in my life. So, Misha accepting your apology, even talking to you, is a hell of a lot more than I would do if I were in his shoes.”

Jensen thought about it as they resumed their way to get lunch. Jared was right. He should be glad Misha was even talking to him, which was more than he deserved. It could have been worse. For what he did, this could have been a whole lot worse.

“Just, let him set the pace,” Jared continued. “Be friendly, kind and above all, be patient.” He gave Jensen an encouraging pat on the back. “Misha will come around. I’m sure of that.”

Jared’s words did offer Jensen some sort of comfort. He only wished he had his friend’s confidence that everything was going to work out, because right now, things were looking pretty dim to him.

\-----

The tension hanging in the air during the table read was bearable. It wasn’t too bad, and for that, Jensen was thankful.

He observed Misha closely and noticed he was putting on an act. He smiled at the right times, cracked a joke or two and was professional for the rest, but it was fake, all of it.

Another thing Jensen was grateful for was that they didn’t have any scenes together today. It gave them a little time to get used to being around each other again, not that he saw a lot of Misha. 

He did catch him watching once though, but as soon as Misha noticed that he was spotted, he walked away.

Meanwhile, something else was eating at Jensen. There was this line that Dean said. ‘Part of me always knew you would come back’. It was way too cheesy for his liking, and it didn’t really fit the show.

He didn’t want to say anything about it though, afraid that Misha might take it the wrong way, like he didn’t  _ want _ to say it because people just  _ might _ read too much into it. Wasn’t it something similar that started this whole mess? Him being afraid people  _ might _ read too much into Misha visiting him in Vancouver on a regular basis? It was the whole fucking reason for the break up.

So, no matter that his reasons for scratching that line were totally different, and not about that at all, it was best that he just let it be. Things between him and Misha were fragile at best. No need to throw some misunderstandings into an already very delicate situation.

***

With his hands folded behind his head, Misha looked up at the ceiling in the semi darkness of his bedroom as he replayed the events of the past day before his mind’s eye.

This first day back on the set wasn’t that bad, all things considered. There had been a few surprises. Like Jensen who had come to talk to him. Misha honestly hadn’t expected to see him before the read through.

Part of him, the emotional part, had wanted to hug him, but the rational part had prevented him from doing so. He could not fall into Jensen’s trap again. He did it once and look at where it got him.

Jensen did try to mend what was broken between them though, he had to give him that. Misha however, didn’t know if he could trust him again. He seemed genuine, but was it real?

The other surprise was when Jensen didn’t even try to argue with Dean’s rather cheesy line. Misha was baffled at first, but now it finally hit him. Jensen didn’t want to step on his sensitive and still bitter toes. He was willing to suck it up for his sake and that was very telling. Jensen  _ was _ being honest in making things right and would do whatever it took. 

Misha turned onto his side with a faint smile on his lips. The very first inklings of forgiveness bubbled up at that revelation. No, he could never go back to what once was - that was over - but maybe their friendship could be saved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next update may take a little while. I'm leaving on vacation next Monday.


	39. Melancholy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little reminder: When I change POV it is marked with ***
> 
> This chapter is a little narrative. It's more about thoughts and feelings than actual conversations. Sorry about that. I hope you still enjoy it though.

 

Misha was annoyingly professional during his scenes with Jensen. It was pretty depressing, really. 

Jensen remembered there were times that they would goof around up until the point the director wanted to pull his hair out. Those were the days. With a sense of regret in his heart, he thought back on them.

There was a little light of hope shining on the horizon though. Jensen had read the first drafts of the final episodes and it seemed Cas and Dean were going to be okay, as they should be. They were friends and friends got through the bad times, it’s what friends did. He only wished it was true for him and Misha as well.

The first sign that Misha did start to warm up to him again was when they were shooting a scene in the Impala. They were waiting for the ‘action’ to sound when Misha suddenly started to stroke his cheek with the back of his hand.

Needless to say, Jensen was completely taken by surprise. This truly came out of nowhere but damn, this physical contact after being absent for so long felt so friggin good. He didn’t even know how much he had missed it; how much he had craved it, until now.

Since the mics were still on and you never knew who in the audio department was listening, Jensen didn’t ask about it, and Misha didn’t elaborate. There were things between them no one else had any business knowing about.

The ‘Impala scene’ was the last one to be shot that Friday night. They got through it without much trouble, although Jensen had a hard time keeping it together with Misha so close to him in the confinement of the vehicle. 

They exited the car after the scene. Some PA’s came running to take the mics from their clothes.

“Hey Misha, you wanna hit the bar with us tonight?” Jared asked. He had been standing at the side, watching.

Jensen tensed up, straining to hear what Misha’s answer was. 

“No, I don’t think so. But thanks for the invite,” Misha said. He gave Jared a lopsided smile. “See you in Nashville tomorrow.” With these words he walked away, not even giving Jensen a second look.

It was a sad sigh that quietly left Jensen’s lips, as he looked at Misha’s back until he rounded a corner and disappeared from view.

_ Time _ , he reminded himself in silence.  _ It just needs time. _ It was these thoughts that kept him from going crazy or falling apart, longing for the day things would get back to normal again, not even sure if that would ever be possible; not with the history they had to work through.

***

The convention in Nashville went like all conventions went. Nothing ever changed.

Misha arrived on Saturday morning and was busy all day with photo ops, autograph sessions, meet and greets and his panel in the afternoon; the usual.

Since Jared and Jensen didn’t have to make an appearance until early Sunday morning at what was called ‘breakfast with the fans’, they arrived that evening.

Misha was tired. Putting on a smile all day pretending everything was alright was exhausting. It helped that most of the fans were exhilarated with Cas’s return. The news was officially out now even though the episode wasn’t shot yet, and wouldn’t air before the end of March.

All that Misha wanted to do after dinner was go to bed. He couldn’t. He had to attend the cocktail party and the supernatural centerpiece contest at 10.45 later that night, so he put on another happy face hoping it wouldn’t drain him of the last piece of sanity he had left.

The Cocktail party went better than expected. Everyone goofed around a bit. The whole thing was quite hilarious.

He looked at the center pieces and when he spotted one that was like a collage of Jensen pictures, his breath hitched as he examined it very closely. It was beautifully put together with Jensen in different positions doing different things. It wasn’t easy for Misha to hide his emotions looking at the man he used to love. No, correct that. The man he still loved; a love overshadowed by the bitterness that was residing in his heart..

He composed himself, trying to be all casual about it and ended his review with: “Very tasteful, very spiritual,...very erotic,” and then moved away from it. He couldn’t look at it any longer without bursting into tears; there was already a strange mist clouding his vision.

The party ended at midnight. When they all arrived back at the hotel they were staying at, Jared and Jensen were still hanging around in the bar. Great. Just what he needed. It was already hard enough to be around Jensen on the set. Being around him outside of work too was too much.

“I’m not staying,” he said to Sebastian as soon as he spotted Jensen standing at the counter.

“You sure you don’t wanna share a nightcap with the rest of us?” Seb asked, sounding surprised.

“Yeah, I’m sure. I’m tired, man.” He chuckled. “Besides, I know how it goes. One becomes two, becomes three and before we all know it we are drunk. The last thing I need tomorrow is a hangover from hell.”

Sebastian threw his head back and laughed. “That’s probably exactly what will happen,” he agreed. “I’m glad that between all of us, you seem to be the most mature one tonight.”

Misha smiled. Mature. Yeah, well, that was one way to put it. He was sure that if he and Jensen weren’t having such a big fight right now, he probably wouldn’t be so ‘mature’ about it. They would probably have too much to drink and have some passionate drunk sex later on, like they usually used to do at conventions.

_ Damn it _ . Why was he thinking about that shit? It was something that belonged to the past and it was best it stayed there. He couldn’t help the melancholy hitting him again though, and by the time he entered his room, the tears that he often had to bite back during the day, finally were allowed to fall from his eyes.

***

Jensen ordered five whiskey shots to wash away the disappointment and the sadness he felt when he saw Misha leaving. The sting in his heart that it was because of him that Misha didn’t stay was pretty nasty. Misha really didn’t want to be around him longer than necessary, did he.

“Yo, easy there, Ackles,” Jared said. “We have to be up pretty early tomorrow. You might want to take it slow with those drinks.”

“Shut up,” Jensen growled in response. He downed a shot, enjoying the liquor burning down his throat.

With his elbow on the counter, Jared pinched the bridge of his nose. “Listen, man, drinking isn’t gonna solve the problem.”

“Wow, Jay. Did you figure that out all by yourself?” Jensen replied sarcastically. He gulped down another shot of whisky. 

Jared rolled his eyes. “That’s it. I’m taking you to your room.”

“You’re not my mom,” Jensen deadpanned. 

“No, but I  _ am _ your friend, and as your friend I’m looking out for you. Now drink that last shot and then go to bed before it gets out of hand.”

Reluctantly, Jensen had to admit Jared was right. It was best he stopped with the booze now, while his brain wasn’t fully fogged up yet. His head would thank him for it in the morning. Besides, numbing the pain with hard liquor wasn’t the answer.

\-----

It was so good to be inside Misha again; to feel how Misha’s body clenched warm and tight around his cock as he pounded into him.

Blue eyes clouded with the darker shades of an imminent orgasm looked up from underneath him. The full lips were slightly parted, producing the most beautiful sounds of pure pleasure.

“God, Mish. I’m so glad you came to me tonight,” Jensen moaned pumping himself to his climax. He was so fucking close, desperately wanting to tip over the edge.

He closed his eyes while going faster, harder, reaching for the height and then spilled his release with a long growl.

A strange buzz pierced his ears. Still half asleep, he reached out his arm and slammed the alarm clock, hoping he hit the snooze button. Only then did he realise he had been dreaming and, judging by the sticky wetness in his boxers, it had been a pretty lucid dream.

_ Shit.  _ He could not believe he had just fucked the mattress.

He threw off the covers and turned on his back, away from the wet spot, rubbing the last remains of sleep from his eyes.

_ Damn it _ . Why was this just a dream? Why couldn’t it be real? 

He hated dreams like these; the kind where everything was alright, where his biggest wishes came true. It was cruel how they always yanked him out of something awesome and threw him back into reality. It wasn’t fair and they annoyed him like hell, because they teased him with something he could never have anymore. 

If he couldn’t have it in real life, then he didn’t want it in his dreams either. It was always too painful to wake up from it. It didn’t make things better, it only added to the heartache and made everything worse.

The alarm clock buzzed again, chasing him out of bed and from his thoughts. He turned the thing off, took some clean clothes and hit the shower, hoping his dream wouldn’t be written all over his face when he saw Misha today.

***

Misha startled briskly awake from a dream that was so lucid it took him some time to realise it wasn’t real. Jensen had made love to him and damn it, it had felt so good.

_ No!  _  He drove the dream and all the feelings attached to it from his mind. He was not going to let things get messy again. Over time, they might get back to being friends, but that was as far as he was willing to go with this. 

He looked at the clock. It was only six in the morning, too early for him to be awake since he didn’t really have anything else to do but some Castiel photo ops and an autograph session. Today mostly centered around Jared and Jensen, like always.

Knowing he wouldn’t get any more sleep - but that didn’t mean he had to get up yet - he stared at the ceiling of his hotel room, letting his mind wander.

He was contracted for three episodes this season including the finale, and they had already asked him back for season eight. “Only if you don’t kill me again,” he had joked, but Singer had been dead serious when he had said “We won’t. We have learned our lesson.”

A sigh came over Misha’s lips. It seemed like a lot of people had learned some lessons in the past year; him in particular.

He tentatively allowed some memories to surface; memories that were, well, safe to think about because they didn’t involve anything intimate, and were therefore not too painful. He had to start somewhere, right? He couldn’t hide from every memory that involved Jensen forever.

One of those memories were of his son, West. He had taken his first steps in Jensen’s back yard and fell head first into the pool. He had fallen onto a step though and hit his head pretty hard. Misha would never forget the image of his child drifting in the water with a large bump on his head, slowly sinking to the bottom. Without a second thought, he and Jensen had jumped in after him. 

West turned out to be just fine, but Misha had still been shaking hours after the incident. This had all happened one sunny Sunday afternoon, only a few weeks before everything was shot to hell.

_ God damn it. _ No matter how hard he tried, all his memories would take him to the break up, something he wasn’t ready to think about because it hurt too much and reminded him why he was so bitter, still.

***

The atmosphere in the green room was relaxed, it always was. Everyone shared jokes and laughs and basically had a great time, yet Jensen knew they had to feel the tension between him and Misha. It was so thick it was hard not to notice. No one mentioned it though. They just left it alone while making subtle attempts to relieve some of it.

They didn’t speak to each other, not when Misha came in a little before ten and let his handler take him to the Castiel photo ops after nursing a cup of coffee, and not even during lunch.

It was late in the afternoon that he caught him staring. It was a strange trickle running down his spine that made him turn around to catch Misha’s gaze from across the room.

His breath hitched. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from that ridiculously blue stare Misha hit him with; his Castiel stare that always managed to make his hormones spiral out of control, and the bastard fucking knew it.

Jensen swallowed, still not able to look away, but then he saw a faint smile gracing Misha’s lips. It was sweet and genuine, not the mocking kind. Something inside of him lit up, and he shot Misha a smile of his own before shyly looking away.

Jensen felt a lot lighter after that. It wasn’t much, but it was something; it was a start.  _ Baby steps.  _ It was the little things that counted on their way to reconciliation.

\-----

They all flew back to Vancouver that same night after the convention. Another workday was waiting for them tomorrow.

Clif offered Misha a ride, but he declined, saying he couldn’t leave his rental stranded at the airport garage.

Jensen knew it was just an excuse. Misha could easily call the company to pick up the car and ride with them to the set every day, just like in the old days. The reason he didn’t was probably because he didn’t want Jensen to know where he was staying. What? Was he afraid Jensen might turn up on his doorstep in the middle of the night or something?

He immediately figured it wasn’t that far fetched. Jensen had done crazier things in the past, and with a few too many, he might very well ending up doing just that.

So, yes, maybe it wasn’t such a good idea after all to know where Misha stayed when he was filming.

With a big sigh of regret, he climbed into Clif’s car, letting Jared have the front seat. He wanted to be alone with his thoughts.

As he mindlessly stared out of the side window, at the dark landscape that monotonously glided past him, he thought about how different things had been only a year ago. A year ago, they would go to their shared apartment and fall into bed together, sleeping in each other’s arms to wake up to some lazy morning sex and kisses stolen over breakfast.

Jensen wanted to go back to that. He missed the life they had built up here in Vancouver; a life he so stupidly destroyed.

It was there and then that he made a firm decision. He was going to do everything in his power to get Misha back. No, he wasn’t going to force himself onto the guy, but he was going to show him that he could be trusted again; that this could be fixed, no matter how long it took.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story of West is true. He did take his first steps in Jensen's backyard and fell into the pool.  
> The bit about the centerpiece contest is also true. Misha did examine it and did say what he said.


	40. Love Hurts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya guys. Here's another chapter, but I'm now going to take a little summer break. I have three WIP's going and that's way too much to keep up with posting every two weeks. I feel like the chapters are rushed and I'm not happy with the writing. Because it's so rushed, I totally screwed up the timeline. I need more time. Don't worry, I will keep on writing, just...slower.

 

Cas and Dean had a lot of air to clear between them, so it wasn’t hard for Jensen to channel his feelings and to display them on screen, because he knew exactly how his character felt.

He noticed Misha did the exact same thing. 

It was weird how what Cas and Dean went through was so similar to what they were going through right now.

They were filming the scene in which Dean gave back Cas’s trench coat he had pulled out of the water in episode two, and had kept all this time. It hadn’t been scripted, but Jensen as Dean had just done it. Guy Bee had loved it so much that he decided to keep that particular part.

“Part of me always knew you would come back,” Jensen said his line as Dean, but damn it, it sounded strained.

Singer noticed and yelled “Cut. Again. And Jensen, please try to sound a bit more like Dean and less like yourself.”

Jensen sighed silently. It wasn’t going to be easy. It really wasn’t like Dean to express his emotions that way. He was going to do his best though, for Misha, because he knew perfectly well how it would sound if he complained about it.

No matter how hard Jensen tried, after three more takes, he still couldn’t get it right. He shot Misha an apologetic look.

Misha squinted at him and then rolled his eyes. He turned to the camera department. “This isn’t gonna work.”

Jensen took in a breath of relief. Thank God Misha agreed. He jogged over to him.

“Misha’s right. Dean wouldn’t say this. It’s way too cheesy.”

“Mmmmm.” Sera was looking at the script. “Yeah, it does sound a bit gay, doesn’t it. Not that there's anything wrong with that.” 

A bit? The whole fucking script was gay. Jensen knew better than to say it out loud though, not with Misha right there.

Sera looked up. “Okay guys, how do we fix this?”

Generally, it wasn’t a problem to scratch or add a line, or to rearrange a few words in the script while filming when something didn’t sound right. As long as it wasn’t major changes that had to be done. If an actor had a problem with a scene, they had to address it at the table read. That’s what they were there for, among other things.

The scene went smoothly after the changes but Misha didn’t look happy. It confused the hell out of Jensen. It was him who said it wasn’t going to work, right? So what was he so annoyed about? 

“Cut. That scene’s a wrap,” Singer shouted. “Let’s break for lunch.”

Misha turned on his heels without another word and strode away.

“Okay, that’s it,” Jensen mumbled through gritted teeth. He ran after Misha to find out what his problem was this time. The guy was still pissed at him, he got that, but damn it, he was running out of patience.

“You, ehm, care to tell me the reason you’re so angry all of a sudden?” Jensen asked when he fell into pace next to Misha, and tried to keep up with his long strides.

“You are,” was Misha’s deadpan answer.

“I am?” Jensen shook his head. He didn’t understand. What had he done now that got Misha so aggravated? “You care to elaborate on that?”

Misha stopped walking and turned to him, eyes dark with hidden anger. “You just jumped when you saw the opportunity to change that line, didn’t you.”

Jensen blinked, surprised. Was that what this was all about? A stupid line that was changed? Something Misha had agreed on; even instigated in the first place?

“Hey,  _ you _ are the one who said it wasn’t gonna work.”

“That’s because it wasn’t working. I didn’t mean changing the script.”

“Oh, come on,” Jensen ran a hand through his hair. This whole bickering was getting exhausting. Why couldn’t they just have a normal conversation, for once?

“Even you have to admit that was a very cheesy line,” he went on.

“Yes, it was, I’ll give you that.”

Jensen really couldn’t follow anymore. Could Misha stop being so damn cryptic and just say what it was that was bothering him?

“Then what’s the problem?”

“The problem is that you never had a problem with Dean being cheesy in the past. I have seen the episodes, Jensen. That scene in the car? Where Dean was mouthing to one of the cheesiest love songs in the fucking history of cheesy love songs? You didn’t have a problem with that, did you? Did you complain? Of course you didn’t, otherwise that scene wouldn’t exist.” He turned around and resumed his way to wherever he was going which, given the direction he strode in, was his threebanger.

Jensen gasped. Misha kind of did have a point. That scene was so funny though that he didn’t really think much of it, but now he had to admit, it was pretty cheesy. He ran after Misha again.

“That was a whole other situation, and you know it,” he tried to defend himself.

“Keep fooling yourself, Jensen,” Misha said, holding his pace. “I know exactly why you didn’t complain then but you did now.”

“Oh, seriously?” Jensen crossed his arms over his chest. “If you know so well, then why don’t you enlighten me?” He was genuinely curious about it.

Misha narrowed his eyes at him. “Because that scene was open to interpretation. Dean just had to leave his beloved car behind, so it could have been about baby just as much as it could have been about his dead friend. But now? Now Dean is saying it directly to Cas, leaving no room for interpretation because it’s so blatantly obvious. And you can’t have that, can you? You just can’t deal with the fact the whole ‘Destiel’ thing will be raked up again, and it scares the shit out of you that people will ask about it.” Again he turned around, and resumed walking.

“That’s not true,” Jensen shouted. “That line is something Dean would never say. Did he think it? Yes, probably, but he doesn’t express his emotions like that, and especially not to Cas after all they had been through; after all Cas had done.”

Misha huffed out a bitter laugh. “Well, he didn’t have a problem expressing his emotions in that car, how’s that for an argument?” He sighed. “But I’m done talking about this. Please stop following me and do some soul searching.”

Jensen watched him walk away and disappear into the threebanger, thinking about everything Misha had said, and how part of it was true, if he was being honest with himself. He was so damn stupid. He should have never butted in, saying that line was too cheesy. There were other ways he could have handled that. 

***

Misha wondered if he hadn’t been too hard on Jensen just now. 

He stood by everything he had said, but that really wasn’t the issue. The issue was that he needed something to be angry about, because being angry with Jensen was easier than the alternative: his feelings for the man.

He had known it would be hard to work with Jensen while he was trying to get over him. He was right. It was fucking hard because he still loved him. 

The problem wasn’t so much a stupid line. The problem was that Jensen hadn’t changed at all. He still freaked out when there was something in the script that hinted that the relationship between Dean and Cas was more than just platonic, no matter how small it was. He still denied it; didn’t  _ want _ to see it. To Misha it was like he denied everything they once had because, let’s face facts, the Dean/Cas chemistry came from what they had going on in real life for three years.

He fell onto the couch with a big sigh. At least he could relieve some of his pent up anger by channeling it through Cas, but it wasn’t enough. So many emotions were bottled up inside of him that the occasional explosion to get them out was inevitable. He just wished Jensen would quit tiptoeing around him and get angry himself. He needed Jensen to yell at him. It would help a lot.

\-----

Misha declined hitting the bar with the rest of them when the episode was a wrap. He wanted to go home, be with Vicky and his son. Besides, he had promised his wife to accompany her to the doctor tomorrow to confirm she really was pregnant. The test had shown a positive result, but tests could be wrong. They needed to be sure.

“Oh, wow, that’s great news, man,” Jared said. He clapped him on the back. “You’re hoping for a girl this time?”

Misha smiled. “Hmmmm, it would be nice if it’s a girl, but, you know, as long as the baby is healthy, I don’t really care.”

“Yeah,” Jared nodded. “I know exactly how you feel.”

“So, do you have a preference? Or do you know already what it’s going to be?”

“No. I didn’t want to know and I’m like you. As long as the baby is healthy.”

Misha glanced often at Jensen, who was quietly following the conversation. There was something wrong, he could see it on Jensen’s face. He wondered what it was, and for the first time in a long time, it concerned him. It kicked long forgotten feelings to life. He wanted to take Jensen into his arms and comfort him over whatever was troubling him. It wasn’t about him this time; it was something else.

He found out what it was from Vicky when they were driving home from the doctor’s office. They had just gotten the official confirmation that they were indeed expecting again.

“It surprises me Danneel isn’t pregnant yet,” Misha said, as he maneuvered the car through the busy traffic of L.A. “I mean, I would have thought, after the news Gen was expecting, Danneel wouldn’t fall far behind.” It was a very casual remark. He didn’t mean anything by it, but it did get a reaction out of his wife. She shifted uncomfortably in her seat.

Misha drew his brows together. “You know something,” he said.

“Yeah, well…” Vicky gazed down at the hands in her lap. “I don’t know if I should tell you this.”

Now Misha got really curious, and even more concerned. 

“You can’t say that and then back off, Vicky. Come on, spill. What’s going on?”

It was quiet for a few moments, as if Vicky had to think it over. She sighed.

“They’ve been trying to get pregnant for quite some time. It just doesn’t...take.”

Misha honestly had to gasp for air. Then he clenched his jaw.

“How long?”

“How long what?”

“How long have they been trying?”

Vicky shrugged. “Does it matter?”

“Yes, it matters, because Jensen never told me that, and don’t you think that, considering I was in a relationship with him, I deserved to know?”

Again, a sigh coming from Vicky rippled through the car.

“They’ve been trying since last summer with no luck. They’re now trying to figure out what’s wrong.”

Since last summer. So, in other words, before the whole break up. Misha snorted. And Jensen never mentioned it once to him. Great. Just great. Jensen just added another thing to the long list of screw ups.

Misha didn’t say much more during the rest of the ride. He didn’t want to vent his frustration to his wife, especially not with West in the back seat. It wasn’t good for him to hear his parents yelling at each other.

But wait, Gen was due next month, which meant that their baby was conceived...he counted nine months back...somewhere in July.  _ Last summer. _ That revelation hit him so hard it was like a punch to the gut. It was a fucking conspiracy. Gen and Danneel probably wanted to be pregnant together and, okay, there was nothing wrong with that, but what hurt so much is that they kept this from him. He felt left out; like the third wheel. They were all supposed to be friends. 

Why? Why did he ever go back to filming Supernatural? It was a bad decision; something he regretted. It would have been better if he had just stayed away.

***

Jensen almost threw his phone against his trailer wall out of frustration when yet another call to Misha went to voicemail. What the hell did he do now? Surely this still wasn’t about that stupid line, was it?

Two weeks had passed since episode seventeen was wrapped; two weeks in which Misha didn’t reply to Jensen’s texts or answer his calls, leaving him clueless about what was wrong.

Frustrated was a good word to describe his mood. He yelled at practically everyone, and when someone asked him something, his answers were short and snappy. 

“Whatever is eating you, you’ve got to get it out of your system,” Jared gave him the friendly advice. They were at catering, eating lunch. As far as Jensen stabbing his pasta could define as ‘eating’ that is.

“Easier said than done when Misha doesn’t want to answer my calls,” Jensen mumbled a reply.”

“Oh, so, this is about Misha again?”

Jensen looked up from the food on his plate. “Who ever else could it be about?” he snorted.

Jared ran a hand over his face. “You guys are acting like a couple of five year olds.”

“Hey, tell him that,” Jensen snapped. “I’m trying. He’s the one who’s stubborn.” He turned his attention back to his pasta. With a sigh, he pushed the plate away. His appetite was gone. He didn’t have one to begin with, really.

“Ambush him,” Jared suddenly said.

Jensen blinked in surprise. “What?”

“Ambush him. If he doesn’t want to talk to you on the phone, show up on his doorstep.” Jared shrugged. “It’s not that hard.” He put a fork full of pasta in his mouth.

“You’re kidding, right?” Jensen couldn’t believe his friend just suggested that.

Jared however, was dead serious. He shook his head while chewing. “Uh, uh.”

“That’s a disaster waiting to happen!”

Jared swallowed the food away. “You don’t know that, unless you try it. You want to fix it, right?”

“Well...yeah.”

“Then go to him. Demand some answers and tell him that, if he didn’t want you there, he should have picked up his phone when you called.”

Jensen gave it some thought and decided Jared’s advice wasn’t that bad. It would be another two weeks before he would see Misha again at the convention in L.A. They wouldn’t have time to talk then, or not properly, not with their busy schedule, unless he kidnapped Misha in the evening and… no. Not a good idea.

After the convention it would be yet another two weeks before Misha returned to the set for the filming of episode 21. Everything summed up, that would be four more weeks before they would have a chance to talk, which was way too long for Jensen’s liking. He needed answers and he was fucking going to get them, even if there was a chance Misha would slam the door in his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is entirely fiction. I have no idea if Danneel was indeed having trouble getting pregnant and frankly, it's none of our business.


	41. Still loving you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooooo sorry for the very very VERY late update. But, here it is. I hope it was worth the wait.
> 
> I cannot say when the next update will be. It's close to Christmas and my mom is in the hospital. Things are a bit hectic right now. I'm gonna try to update once a month. Don't kill me if I can't make it, LOL.
> 
> Small reminder: *** means a change of POV

 

It was with long, decisive strides that Jensen walked through Misha’s yard heading for the back door, taking on a demeanor that was a hell of a lot more confident than he felt. 

It had taken some planning to get him here, and even though he hated putting Danneel and Vicky in the middle of it all, their help was needed. To give their spouses some privacy to talk about whatever they needed to talk about, the two women had decided to spend a day at the Spa, leaving West in the capable hands of his grandparents. Misha would have the house to himself for a whole day.

With a knot in his stomach that tightened with every step he took, Jensen climbed the stairs of the porch. He took a deep breath, inhaling the scent of freshly fallen rain, and knocked on the door.

At that same moment, a few rays of sunshine penetrated the thick grey clouds, lighting up a dark day and Jensen’s mood. It was a good sign, right?

Not so much. Jensen should have known better. The moment the door swung open and Misha caught sight of him, the initial surprise in his blue eyes hardened.

“What are you doing here?”

“Getting some answers, and I won’t leave until I get them,” Jensen replied, determined. “Can I come in? I don’t want to have this conversation on your porch for your neighbours to hear.” He tried to sound self-assured, and almost succeeded...almost. He couldn’t hide the tremble in his voice.

Misha seemed to think about it and then took a step aside to let him in. As soon as the door closed, he turned around, arms crossed over his chest, and regarding Jensen with a lot of caution.

The tension between them rose and soon filled the whole kitchen. It was so high even the most insensitive person in the world would be able to feel it.

Misha was the first one to cut through it. “What d’you wanna know?”

“Why you won’t answer my calls, for starters.”

Misha squinted. “I didn’t know it was mandatory to pick up the phone every time you call.” He averted his gaze and strode to the fridge. “You wanna drink?”

“No, I’m fine, thanks.”

“Suit yourself,” Misha grumbled. He took out a bottle of water.

Jensen sighed. “Look, Mish, I’m trying to fix this, but I can’t do that when I don’t know what the fuck I did wrong  _ this _ time.”

Misha huffed out something that resembled a laugh, but it sounded bitter and humorless. “Of course you don’t know, Jensen, you never do,” he spat sarcastically. “You’re always so damn perfect.”

Jensen blinked rapidly. “That’s not fair and not true,” he almost yelled, offended by the lie. “I have owned up to my mistakes. I have admitted them and taken responsibility.” He pointed a finger at Misha. “I  _ apologized _ and I meant it, and you fucking know it.”

“So you did.” Misha took a huge gulp. 

Jensen got distracted by Misha’s mouth wrapping itself around the neck of the bottle, and the glistening wetness the water left on his lips.  _ Shit _ . This was not the time to get aroused. He mentally told his cock to keep it down and quickly composed himself but totally lost track of the conversation.  _ Where were they? _

He audibly swallowed as he tried to remember. When the memory of Misha’s last words came floating back, he ran a hand through his hair.

“Mish, man, come on. Just tell me what’s going on.”

Misha screwed the top back on the small plastic bottle in his hands. “Why didn’t you tell me you and Danneel were trying to get pregnant?”

That caught Jensen off guard. He didn’t know what kind of answers he had expected to find, but it certainly wasn’t this. He drew his brows together into a frown.

“Is this what this is all about?”

“No, Jensen. This is about the moment, the  _ very moment _ that it was known I was written off the show, you cut me out of everything that was happening in your life.”

Jensen was dumbfounded. Yeah, okay, he didn’t tell Misha, but he never thought he would make such a big deal about it. Hell, even his own parents didn’t know it at the time.”

“Mish, I…”

“Think before you speak,” Misha cut him off. “Think very hard before you say another word so it won’t be another lie. I know for a fact you’ve been trying since last summer, the same time Jared and Gen started.”

“They wanted to be pregnant together,” Jensen admitted. “What’s wrong with that?”

Misha rolled his eyes. “There is nothing wrong with that,” he snapped. “That’s not what this is all about.” He sighed. “You don’t get it, do you? This is about you keeping secrets from me. We were still in a relationship together, remember? Or have you conveniently forgotten about that?”

Anger bubbled up in Jensen. Slowly it made its way to the surface. Misha was being unreasonable.

“I didn’t deliberately keep it from you. I would have told you eventually.”

Misha snorted. “Oh really? When?”

“I don’t know.” Jensen threw his hands in the air. “When the time was right.”

“The right time would have been when Jared told us Gen was pregnant. But you already planned to break up with me when we found out, so I guess it wasn’t important anymore, was it.”

Jensen clenched his fists, trying his best not to erupt. He took in a few calming breaths, and that’s when he saw Misha’s eyes were suspiciously glistening with the water of tears. Guilt coursed through him. He was such an asshole for what he did to Misha.

Misha turned his back to him. “You got what you came here for, now get out,” he said through gritted teeth.

Jensen shook his head. “No!” He wasn’t going to let Misha throw him out like this. They were fucking going to work through this if it was the last thing they did. And if that meant they had to get angry with each other or even throw things at each other to get rid of that pent up anger, then so be it. 

Misha whirled back around. His blue eyes flashed. “Get outta here Jensen.”

Jensen narrowed his eyes. “Do you hate me so much you can’t bear to be in the same room with me?”

“I  _ love _ you too much to be able to be in the same room with you!” Misha blurted out.

There it was, the very thing Misha was struggling with. Fucking finally. Jensen figured it took him long enough to be able to admit it to him,  _ especially _ to him. Misha was fighting so hard against this love it made him illogical. To Jensen, every piece of the puzzle now fell into place. Misha was holding on to his anger and his bitterness because it shielded him from the thing he feared the most, because it hurt him the most: love.

***

Misha could not believe he just blurted out his true feelings like that. Sure, he never denied that he still loved Jensen, but to admit it to the man himself was an entirely different ballgame.

He noticed that Jensen was about to close the space between them, and took a step back. “Don’t.” Then he sagged down on a kitchen chair, defeated;  _ exhausted. _

Jensen respected his wishes. He held his place and took out a chair instead.

“I’m sorry,” he said as he sat himself down. “I should have told you.”

Misha nodded. The walls he had pulled up around himself started to crumble. He was so tired of fighting against something there was simply no fighting against. Maybe it was time to just let it go. This was a war he could never win. That didn’t mean he was going to fall into Jensen’s arms anytime soon, or ever, but maybe their friendship could be saved.

“So ehm...Vicky told me you and Danneel are having a hard time conceiving?”

Jensen’s eyes clouded with sadness. “Yeah.”

“You know why?”

“Not really. I mean, it isn’t me. They have already figured out that much.” He laughed. “They told me I would be a great sperm donor, since I met all the criteria.”

Jensen tried to joke about it, but Misha could see he was worried about the whole thing. If it wasn’t him, the cause had to lay with Danneel.

As if Jensen had just read his mind he mumbled: “Dee feels bad about it. I have to reassure her over and over again that it isn’t her fault and it won’t change my love for her.”

“Of course it won’t,” Misha agreed. He had to fight the urge to cover Jensen’s hands with his own. It would be too much too soon. First they had to restore whatever was left of their friendship, and judging by the way they were talking right now, that was more than Misha had thought was possible. It slowly dawned on him that it took much more to completely destroy the kind of friendship they had built up over the years.

“But enough about that,” Jensen changed the subject. “How’s Vicky?”

“Pregnant,” Misha replied with a laugh, and then gasped for air. He cocked his head. “Damn, I’m sorry.”

“Hey, don’t worry about it man. I’m happy for you. Besides, you said something about it like...three weeks ago? Give or take?”

“Hmmm.” He was glad Jensen took it so well. He could only imagine how much it hurt to see everyone around them getting pregnant while having a hard time conceiving themself.

“She’s not nearly as sick as she was with West, so, that’s a plus.”

There were a few beats of silence. The only audible sounds were the faint rumbling of thunder in the distance and the rhythmic ticking of raindrops against the windows. Unlike all the other times they were around each other since their nasty break up, there was some comfort between them again. They were not there yet, not by a long shot, but at least they were making progress, in the sense that they were talking without a lot of screaming on both sides.

It was a little after noon when Jensen pushed his chair back and said he had to go. The reluctance in his demeanor was so clear that Misha spontaneously invited him to stay for lunch. 

Jensen looked at him, his lips slightly parted and with a lot of suspicion in his eyes. Misha couldn’t blame him for being wary. Apart from the last hour and a half, all they had done in the past few months since they broke up was fight and bicker.

“Relax, Jensen, it’s not a trap.” Misha got up from his chair. He opened the cupboard and took out the bread. “Unless there is somewhere you have to go, you are welcome to stay.”

“Are you...are you sure?”

Misha opened the fridge. “Why wouldn’t I be?” he said over his shoulder. He pulled out the mayo, the salad, a few tomatoes and the chicken, and placed everything on the counter. “We both have to eat. Why would we do that alone while we can do it together?”

There was still a lot of uncertainty written on Jensen’s face as Misha stared him dead in the eyes. Silently, Misha tried to tell him that this was just lunch, and that it would be wrong to read anything into it. This wasn’t an invitation for something more.

Jensen still stood there, frozen in place. He had clearly lost the ability to speak. And just like that, the situation became awkward. Misha already regretted asking.

With a sigh he placed his hands flat on the counter and hung his head. “What do you  _ want _ , Jensen?”

“I’m...sorry?” Jensen sounded so confused, like he had been somewhere else.

“You’ve been trying to make things better the entire time and now when I’m finally willing to give our friendship another shot, you are standing there looking at me like an idiot,” Misha explained. “Have you changed your mind? If you have, then tell me now before I make the same mistake twice.”

“No!” Jensen shook his head. “No. I had already almost given up hope you would ever come around.” He shrugged. “You took me by surprise just now, that’s all.”

“Well, then sit down and eat. You want cheese? I have cheese too.”

“No, chicken is fine. I like chicken.”

Misha pursed his lips to hide a smile. At this point Jensen would eat anything he put in front of him, even if he didn’t like it.

Something shifted that day. They were moving in the right direction, and all because Misha had decided to let go of the bitterness and the anger. Some of it still remained though. He could feel it resonating deep inside of him. 

It became obvious he still wasn’t over everything yet, at the convention in L.A. He couldn’t help but sound awfully bitter when it came to Dean and Supernatural. He regretted it when he heard how fondly Jensen talked about him; how he missed him and how glad he was Misha was back. And he didn’t only say it, he did his very best to show how much he liked Misha and genuinely cared about him. It warmed Misha’s entire being, and again a little piece of the bitterness ebbed away.

Gradually, he started to hang out more with Jared and Jensen again while being on the set, but only while filming. He wasn’t ready yet to be around them -- specifically Jensen -- outside of work or at conventions. Maybe he would never be ready for that again, he couldn’t tell at that moment. Still, something that could be called ‘friendship’ was restored. 

The road back to what they used to be was long, Misha made no mistake about that, and a romantic relationship was out of the question. That ship had sailed. Jensen had successfully torpedoed that one. Sure, they still loved each other, Misha had made his peace that he would probably never stop loving Jensen, but sometimes love just wasn’t enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, here is a true fact. Misha did originally audition to play a demon on the show, that was what he was told. Therefore he lowered his voice. At the audition, Kripke was pretty impressed and asked him to read the lines again, but now as an angel and he landed the part of Castiel. That's what Misha told in an interview.  
> The one about Jensen having a crush on Jared in the beginning of the show is a rumor, I don't know if that is true but it would make sense. I'm pretty sure Jared doesn't swing that way.  
> I think the rest of the facts and the fiction is pretty obvious to the Cockles fans out there.  
> Thanks for reading and, leave a comment :) See ya'll next Monday.


End file.
